Its about time for one of these posts right?

Lash · #1 January 14th, 2009, 05:55 PM

Sorry, not the good kind of post, just the ######ing and whining type post. Sorry ladies, I just dont have much holding me here besides the Twilight threads and watching you all get pregnant and have babies while I'm lurking. I just dont enjoy TTC and my emotions vascilate between not caring whatsoever to caring but believing it will happen "one day when we can afford it which is not now because apparently we dont get to use the cheap method of just doing it till we get pregnant"

We havent wanted to go to the fertility docs, because honestly we just havent been in that place. I claim the title of Reluctant (am I Infertile yet ya'll? Seriously, I am now fitting in that category arent I? WOW that just hit me as I typed it out. Hold on, I'm having a moment here)

I can't tell you what its like to admit that you fit in that category. I cant tell you what its like to be on this board for so long and feel so left out, so broken. I know with every part of my mind that I"m not the only one going through this, but it doesnt make it less heartbreaking. Clint just gets angry at the world that we waited and planned and perfected and then this is how it all works out.

I really havent cried at all. I've been very numb to all the BFP's, and very very glad for some of you guys that I was close to. I'm not bitter and very thankful that many others arent experiencing this. But the numbness is fading, and in its place is coming a very large amount of gut wrenching grief at this last waste of a year, with no idea how much longer this will take

Mod-LadyCoconut · #2 January 14th, 2009, 06:32 PM

My heart aches for you Lauren. I'm so sorry TTC has been such a struggle for you two after so long of waiting for the 'right timing' despite how hard it was so hold back. I haven't gotten to that place in my life yet so I'm sure I can't even come close to comprehending how difficult it is, cycle after cycle. Let me know if there's anything I can do to make it any easier on you guys & I'm there. We can sit on the floor and scream 'it's not fair' if that'll help. Anything at all.

KatiInCT · #3 January 14th, 2009, 06:34 PM

I've been staring at your post for a while now and writing and rewriting the following words. Wanting to reply. Wanting you to know that I read and I care and I listen.

I have no profound words of wisdom but an acknowledgment that life can suck and be not fair and as much as we scream and stomp and whine it will still be unfair.

Of all months, January is a perfect month for a fresh start...

(I couldn't find a suitable "groupscream" emoticon)

lauren in hi · #4 January 14th, 2009, 06:53 PM

I'm sorry. It's not fair.

*kyle* · #5 January 14th, 2009, 07:24 PM

I am so sorry, Lauren. Even in the midst of this new chance and blessing I'm being given, I realize how sucky and unfair life can be. Blessings seem to be handed out unevenly, and arbitrarily. No one can ever say why these things happen so easily for some, and are so much more difficult to reach for others, those who deserve every chance of happiness. I am sure every woman on this board understands if you need some time away from the baby invasion. We just don't want you to STAY away. So please check in as often as you can. And please know I am here for you anytime, if you want to chat, just PM me. I wish for you all the strength that you need right now to continue facing the future with some ounce of hope in your heart. You WILL be a mommy, it is inevitable, and even in the hardest times, your future baby is getting ever closer to you.

soImarriedAnerd · #6 January 14th, 2009, 07:40 PM

You guys are in my thoughts and I hope it happens soon for you!

petalfuzz · #7 January 14th, 2009, 07:40 PM

I know what you feel: after 15 months TTC or NTNP, I am kinda numb too. But we're not in a place where we want to get diagonosed yet. We're still questioning: are we really ready for this? do we really want it that bad?

We'd rather not know for sure and hold on to that hope that it'll happen for us "some day"...

In the meantime, please stick around and rant as much as you want. Of all the forums on this board, this one is the most balanced and we need gals who are frustrated with the whole thing. It really provides a reminder to all of us who struggled at one point--b/c it seems the instant you get your BFP you forget what it took to get there and that there are women who are still there behind you.

I appreciate you sharing your story here because I usually feel the same as you but don't express it in my own post. Group huggles!

chellerenee · #8 January 14th, 2009, 08:36 PM

I'm right there with you Lauren. I'm trying to be positive and everything, but sometimes life just sucks period! It's been 19 months now for us. Wow! 19 months...I just realized that. We're not in a place finacially where we can get help either. Plus my weight issues. Even if we could afford fertility help, it would be very hard to find a Dr. willing to help me because of that. I keep thinking it's just gonna happen one day. I wish I could really believe that. We waited because Chris wasn't ready, and now sometimes he tells me how bad he feels that he made us wait so long because we might have had better chances had we tried sooner. And I tell him how I feel bad because I'm broken and can't even give him a child that he wants just as much as me now. It really does suck when you want to share with your friends about your TTC journey, but really there's just nothing going on. For me, I feel like I don't have a TTC journey really. I don't get imaginary symptoms, I don't temp anymore because I feel like that was just a waste of time, I don't use OPKs for anyone to help me analyze. Nothing. We just DTD ever couple days and then wait for AF to arrive. So anyways. Lots and lots of (((HUGS))). I know exactly how you feel.

Michelle

#9 January 14th, 2009, 09:52 PM

I'm sorry Lauren. I know it is heartbreaking, and I remember having feeling similar to yours in the past. Dustin and I also planned our whole lives around having kids, basically. Paid of all our debt, got state jobs, built up savings. It really stinks when you can do all these other things "right" but then you body can't or won't properly do what you want most--make a baby.

It is true a lot of us have been in your shoes. Maybe not exactly in your situation, but there are a bunch of us that had to struggle for one year or more trying to obtain that BFP. There is me, Fiona, Shannon, Jen (Garfield), and I think LaLa too. And on the TTC your first board there are even more that tried so hard for a long time until they got their BFP. What I really hate for you is that you weren't with that group of us trying; you started later. And now you and the Michelles are the long timers amongst short timers and that can suck. I wish there was something I could do to help, but I know for me when I was struggling with TTC I felt very isolated. And each new stage just made it worse. But in a way it does get somewhat better after a while, once the shock of unrealized expectations wears off. I hope you get that soon.

I don't know what else to say except that I still consider you a TTC sister, and I am so seriously rooting for you. I will be over the moon when you get your BFP. And you will. And maybe once you start to try other means to TTC, like even acupuncture, it will help. I never did well without doing something proactive towards TTC besides temping and getting it on. All the things I tried--Vitamin regimens, saliva scopes, looking at sperm under the microscope, and then medical assistance--helped me deal with it. I would have gone mad just doing it every month and crossing my fingers. So I don't know if that could help you feel better about TTC or not, but it is an idea.

Hang in there Lauren. Even when you don't post much, I am still wishing you well and sending major baby dust vibes. It will be a fantastic day when you get your BFP, and this last year of trying will be worth it. Everything and anything you do to achieve your dream will be worth it. You are a strong woman, and you will get through this difficult journey as heartbreaking, unfair and all around crappy as it is.

ScottishBrit · #10 January 14th, 2009, 10:27 PM

Im sorry Lauren....I feel bad, I dont know what to say. You guys are always in my thought's!

*vi · #11 January 14th, 2009, 10:30 PM

All I'm going to say is I know exactly how you're feeling, and if you need someone to talk to, I'll always lend an ear.

Kiwi · #12 January 15th, 2009, 12:17 AM

Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you.

Angelaosaurus-rex · #13 January 15th, 2009, 01:23 AM

I'm so sorry Lauren! (((HUGSSSSSS)))

*JenJen* · #14 January 15th, 2009, 01:23 AM

I know so very much how you are thinking. I feel for you too. I'm thinking almost the exact same things.

ANGWife · #15 January 15th, 2009, 03:03 AM

Oh Lauren

Well, I can't speak from experience so I won't try to pretend I understand. It's such a shame that such a loving woman cannot easily get pregnant.

I go to work and see some rotten mothers. Such uninvolved women. And it makes me sad to know other women who would give so much just to be a mommy.

I do think of you, and hope for that wonderful day when you get your BFP that's a sticky.

#16 January 15th, 2009, 03:42 AM

I don't think anything I can say can make you feel reassured or feel any better. I haven't suffered a loss so cannot comment on that with you. I did TTC for a long time, not as long as some of the girls and we had the ED issue which DH refused to get help with. Despite it all, we got there eventually... I don't say that as a means of rubbing itin your face but as a means of trying to offer hope.

I got tears in my eyes reading the heartache in your post and Carolynn, Michelle & Jen's. I'm so sorry for you all that are struggling with ttc. It's a rollercoaster ride, the ups and way up and the downs are lower than down.

All I can say is we're here for these types of time when you just plain need to get it out, and don't ever feel you can't. I know it must be so painful as we post our updates

But we are all here, even if we can only offer ((((((((((((huggles))))))))))))))))

Mars · #17 January 15th, 2009, 04:31 AM

I have no words that could offer reassurance. I just have faith that you and all of the girls who have struggled will become pregnant. I don't know when or how I truly believe that it will happen.

LisanAndy · #18 January 15th, 2009, 04:37 AM

I'm so sorry hun. I truly have no words other then I really do pray for every single one of you ladies going through your TTC journey. I don't understand why conceiving a child has to be so complicated but I'm holding out, believing you WILL be a mommy. Big hugs!!

midnight_starr · #19 January 15th, 2009, 05:25 AM

I have no idea what you are going through and really don't know what to say.. I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you!!

IamMom · #20 January 15th, 2009, 06:36 AM

Oh Lauren - life does suck sometimes and is not fair that's for sure. My heart breaks for you as well and you are in my thoughts and prayers. I don't know if your religious but I feel that God makes miracles happen but unfortunately its in his time and not ours. My boss just told me a story yesterday of a woman who did everything for years and years trying to get pregnant even using donor eggs and got pregnant with the donor eggs with 2 babies but lost them....years went by and nothing....until this past year she and her husband got pregnant on there own doing nothing but DTD....it does happen. I cannot wait for you to get your BFP and I do believe it will happen for you Lauren. Please stick around post as much as you can - you know we all love you!