WTTC Graduates
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January 27th, 2009, 11:56 AM
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Platinum Supermommy
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Chicagoland
Posts: 5,117
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I'm going to try and get through this and post it between breakdowns.
I am miscarrying again.
The spotting never stopped. It stayed brown and didn't get too much heavier, but it just wouldn't go away. I called my OB to inform them and they had me come in last night. I had an ultrasound which showed nothing in my uterus - nothing. Nothing nothing nothing. Not even an empty sac like last time. Just a uterus and some lining. At 5w3d this meant I might be having an ectopic. The doctor could not find any sac in the tubes but said you can't always find it, even if it's there because it's so small in the tube. I thought a blighted ovum was bad enough, nothing in my life has ever prepared me to deal with this possibility. I had a blood draw and the doctor said if the hCG was over 1500, then she could diagnose an ectopic and I'd have to be admitted to the hospital for a higher resolution ultrasound, and then potentially a dose of methotrexate and/or surgery to remove and the possibility of scarring or losing a tube. If I had any cramps or shoulder pains I was to go to the ER overnight.
This morning the hCG results came back. They called me and then put me on hold for 5 full minutes while I had a panic attack on the other end. hCG 90 and progesterone 3.3 so way too low to be ectopic. I have never felt bittersweet relief like that. I think the nurse on the phone was confused because obviously she was all prepared to deliver the horrible news of a miscarriage only to have the patient start crying in relief and thanking her. When I explained that I knew I was miscarrying but I thought it was ectopic. She kind of went oooohhhh.
Right after I passed just one slippery clot the size of a lima bean and fished it out of the toilet into a ziplock bag. I am 99% sure it is my gestational sac. I know because coming out through my cervix it felt exactly like it felt last time passing the sac. I think it must have been sitting right on top of my cervix where the ultrasound didn't see it? So now, after taking the day off work I have to drive 1 hour round trip to deliver a ziplock bag holding the products of my conception to my doctor for chromosomal tests to try and find out why why why whywhywhywhy this is happening to me. This is a real special corner of hell.
I will thank you all in advance for the beautiful and kind words I know you will all post here because I really don't know right now if I can come back here for a while. While I deal with this and try to find a therapist in my area who specializes in grief. At this point Eric and I are both completely out of hope and strength and we are not able to hold each other up through this and I recognize how badly we need support. He is a mess as bad or worse than me. I do not honestly know if I'll be able to TTC again for a long time and right now my brain says never. And I am considering making a detour into TTCAL for a while if I do come back.
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January 27th, 2009, 12:00 PM
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A Prince And 2 Princess's
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Dorset, UK
Posts: 29,906
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Oh Kyle  I am so, so , so sorry xx
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January 27th, 2009, 12:01 PM
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My brand of heroin.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 12,226
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Oh, Kyle. Oh no no no no no. 
I am so sorry. Words cannot express how sorry I am for you and Eric.
*HUGS*
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(NO FACEBOOK, PLEASE!)
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January 27th, 2009, 12:03 PM
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Mega Super Mommy
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,839
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I'm so sorry Kyle. Take as long as you need. We'll be here when you need us. You and Eric are in my thoughts.
Michelle
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January 27th, 2009, 12:04 PM
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Mega Super Mommy
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 3,018
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I am so sorry Kyle. I am praying for strength for you and Eric.
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January 27th, 2009, 12:04 PM
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Mega Super Mommy
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 4,969
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I am so sorry to hear about this. You and Eric are in my T's & P's!
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January 27th, 2009, 12:06 PM
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Platinum Supermommy
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: ID
Posts: 12,014
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Oh no Kyle!! I am so so sorry! No one should have to go through what you are going through. My heart is breaking for you
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Krista
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January 27th, 2009, 12:11 PM
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Mega Super Mommy
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 2,931
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I don't even know what to say. Prayers with you and DH as you go through this...again. It sucks.
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"Children too are a gift from the LORD, the fruit of the womb, a reward." Psalm 127:3
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January 27th, 2009, 12:19 PM
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Platinum Supermommy
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Hagerstown, MD
Posts: 23,058
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Oh gosh hun, I'm so terribly sorry I'm praying for you and Eric ((HUGS))
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January 27th, 2009, 12:22 PM
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Platinum Supermommy
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 10,199
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I am so sorry..
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January 27th, 2009, 12:24 PM
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Mega Super Mommy
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Southern Germany
Posts: 4,229
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This seems so so so unfair, Kyle. You and Eric are probably one of the most deserving couples there are. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
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January 27th, 2009, 12:27 PM
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Platinum Supermommy
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 8,090
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Oh Kyle I am terribly sorry I wish there was more I could say to make you feel better.. We are all here for you though Take your time and heal in any way you need to! I will keep you guys in my thoughts.
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Aimee wife to Jeremiah mommy to Adeline Louise
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January 27th, 2009, 12:27 PM
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Mega Super Mommy
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: British Columbia
Posts: 3,685
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Oh Kyle... Honey I'm so sorry... I don't know what to say, my heart is just breaking for you... I was so hoping that this one would work out for you. I'll be keeping you and Eric in my T&Ps.
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January 27th, 2009, 12:27 PM
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Mega Super Mommy
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 4,116
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Im have no words to possibly comfort you. This is just horrible and heart breaking. I'm so so so sorry. 
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January 27th, 2009, 12:31 PM
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Super Moderator
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Georgia
Posts: 33,072
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Kyle, I'm here if you need anything. I am so sorry you and Eric are having to go through this again. 
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January 27th, 2009, 12:31 PM
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broken.
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Georgia
Posts: 5,830
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oh kyle. my heart is breaking for you. I hope you can find someone to help you and eric through this, and that the testing provides some answers. I am so sorry.
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My Blog
2006-2012 6 years of NTNP, TTC, TTCMA, Losses, Surgeries, and Diagnoses.
RPL and Genetic Tests came back 100% normal
No known reason for our losses.
50+ cycles of heartbreak, loss, and the hated waiting.
RE Reconsult 4/26-Done
Cycle 52- letrozole, trigger, & DS IUI- ???
Follie Scan 5/21: 1x16mm, 1x7mm, 5x6mm or less
Follie Scan 5/23: 1x21 mm, 1x14mm, 5x7mm or less
Trigger 5/23 10,000 IU
IUI 5/24- count was excellent, perfect timing.
Beta 6/11-?
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January 27th, 2009, 12:33 PM
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Lilyan's Mommy
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Georgia
Posts: 12,736
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Kyle, I am so sorry for your loss. You and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers!
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Born June 5, 2010
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January 27th, 2009, 12:53 PM
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Platinum Supermommy
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 14,102
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Oh no. Kyle I am so so so sorry, I cannot believe this is happening to you againg. You shouldnt have to go through this, no one should.
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Cycle #1-9 - All Natural....5BFN's, 4BFP's (all ended in miscarriage) Cycle #10-11 - Met with first RE, diagnosed with heterzygeous MTHFR mutation & slightly low SA on all counts. -BFN, Cycle #12 - First IUI+Trigger - BFN, Cycle #13 - BFN Cycle #14-15 - Met with new RE, diagnosed with a blocked right tube that previous RE completely overlooked or didnt care to mention. Soy (120mg) - BFN Cycle #16 - Clomid (100mg) - BFN, Cycle #17 - Clomid (100mg)+Trigger+IUI - BFN Cycle #18 - Acupuncture+Clomid (100mg) - BFN Cycle #19-27 - 2 Soy (160mg) cycles, the rest all natural also 30lbs lost!! - BFN's Cycle #28 - New RE is GREAT! Put on bcp 7/6/11, Lap surgery 8/1/11- Tubal cyst (5cm) found and removed, Uterine Septum removed, and Stage II-III endo removed. Cycle #29 - All Natural - BFN, Cycle #30 - All Natural - BFN, Cycle#31 - All Natural - BFN, DONE TTC FOR NOW
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January 27th, 2009, 01:09 PM
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My heart breaks for you....both you and Eric. You don't deseve this. All I can say is that even though we are only online friends, I care about you immensely and wish that I could take away your pain.
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January 27th, 2009, 01:21 PM
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Co-host of the May 09PR
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Maryland
Posts: 8,720
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How devastating for you! Oh Kyle, there are no words. I'm hoping the doctors can shed some better light on this for you. And I'll be sending good thoughts to you and Eric.
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