VERY interesting situation

Lash · #1 February 14th, 2009, 03:13 PM

So, we have a very interesting situation presented to us at the moment and I need some serious advice here. My aunt adopted a baby and not through an adoption agency with thousands of dollars, but rather from a family who had heard through word of mouth that she wanted to adopt (she can't have children). The family of the pregnant woman were looking for an "easy" adoption without tons of the adoption process, just to do a private situation often like you see in the back of pregnancy magazines. Its all legal and he is officially hers. He just turned 1 year old. She payed about $300 for his legal fees and thats about it. She still knows the family and has access to their medical history and pregnancy history of the woman

A second family has asked if she is wanting to adopt again. A 13 year old girl is pregnant and they are looking to do a private adoption like the first family did. My aunt thought of us and asked if we were open to adopting the baby, if we would like that option. The idea is basically, if everything is all kopasetic and healthy, we'd pay the legal fees and even take her home from the hospital. I'm not sure that situations like this present themselves very often although apparently it happens to my aunt now twice.

Its a little girl, not due until June, so we have a few months to decide. We have an RE appt in 2 weeks which hopefully will give us much more insight and more answers into our situation and whether or not simple meds will be an option or even "just" IUI vs IVF. I'm not sure that we can ever afford IVF or even adoption.

We talked last night about our options and what we want to do, whether we'd save and save and save to do IVF or even take out a loan or if our end goal is about having a baby in general, not just our baby. Or if we'd still do IVF at some point even if we adopted.

The only catch at this point is that we "might" have to pay her medical expenses for birth and if so, then we'd pass for now because I'd rather do IVF or medical procedures. If she is covered under insurance or medicaid/medicare (as I'm assuming due to her age) then the cost would just be paperwork filing.
I'd really really like some input and observations from the outside. I'd of course find out about medical history and family history and the good thing is that we'll know not only the mom but the rest of the family. The father does not want the baby

**Jenn** · #2 February 14th, 2009, 03:33 PM

Wow! Well you're right in that this kind of situation does not present itself very often at all! Boy you have a lot on your plate to think about! How long will they give you to think about it? Do they need an answer soon or can they wait until after your RE appointment at least to see what your own personal options for conceiving are?

All I can say is if this was me and what I *think* we would do. Personally, all I've ever wanted is just to be a mother, no matter what. If everything is on the up and up with these people and you don't have to pay her medical expenses I would go for the adoption. Adopting this little girl does not mean that you cannot keep trying for a baby that is biologically yours. I'd go to the RE and see what they have to say but I think I would still go through with the adoption. My thinking is that even if I *only* needed IUI or something less invasive who is to say that it will work quickly or on the first try. It still may take a while and then I'd be missing out not only on my own child but the opportunity to have that little girl too.

I'd hate to see you and Clint pass up the opportunity to be parents because I know this is something you both have wanted for so incredibly long. You can still try for your "own" too. See what the RE says and then you'll have a plan of action for conceiving your own when this little girl gets a little older. Or if you have to save up the money for IVF or something you can still do that but in the mean time you will also get to be parents to a little girl who would be so blessed to have you guys.

Obviously this is a huge decision that you and Clint really need to consider and think about and this is only what I think I would do if I was in your situation. I'm continuing to keep you guys in my prayers and I know that you will come to a decision that you are both happy with.

bittersweet · #3 February 14th, 2009, 04:53 PM

Wow Lauren.

That is a HUGE oppurtunity. And I don't think there is an easy or quick answer.

I guess I don't have any real advice, but maybe I can offer some things to think about.

You and Clint havent been TTC for that long in the grand scheme of things. There are a lot of couples who TTC for over a year and go on to have babies. You have so much ahead in ways of RE appts, possibly IUI, maybe IVF....I still think there is a HUGE chance you will get pregnant and go on to have a healthy baby. At this point I think it is inaccurate to say adoption is your only means to becoming parents.

Also, if you adopt now...the baby will be with you in June, probably delaying your own efforts to TTC until the baby is a little older. And with TTC with MA, time and age are very important. So adopting now could make it less likely to have a biological baby.

This is going to be a very tough decision. But I think if it were me, I would wait longer before considering adoption. For myself, I'd want to TTC for at least a 2-3 years and tried everything under the sun to have a biological baby.

I cant imagine being faced with what you're being faced with now. I know you and Clint will chose the right thing in the end.

**Jenn** · #4 February 14th, 2009, 05:20 PM

Lauren I wanted to add that I said what I said based on how I felt after my miscarriage and during the 28 months it took to get Liam. It's such a hard and frustrating time when you want something so badly and it's just beyond your grasp. And if I had this opportunity in front of me then I would have jumped at it. I'm not saying that you should because that's really only a question you and Clint can answer. Just saying what I would do. I know you guys will figure out the right thing for the two of you. I just wanted you to know the frame of mind I was coming from when I wrote my original response--not the mother of two small boys but the childless woman who's body had failed her. Much love to you and Clint.

alicenwonderland · #5 February 14th, 2009, 05:25 PM

wow! This is and interesting turn of events! Especially right before you were going to get started with an RE.
It's such a personal decision. How important it is for your child to be yours biologically, or how important experiencing pregnancy is to you. But really that's amazing. Many people wait years to adopt an infant. However, I know i would want to try treatments before I went to adoption. It's a tough decision, I can't imagine where your mind must be right now.

thepinkleprechaun · #6 February 14th, 2009, 05:40 PM

WOW! If I were you, in your situation, I would probably go for it. If this girl is only 13 she must be covered by some kind of insurance/medicaid....and if you only had to pay the legal fees that would be wonderful! Then you guys could STILL do infertility treatments, or IVF of whatever you have to do. What's the worst case scenario? You end up with two kiddos close together? I know you guys want to be parents really bad and it just seems like a wonderful opportunity.

Good luck on whatever you decide to do!

Mars · #7 February 14th, 2009, 06:01 PM

This is a very personal decision so I'm not sure that we may be able to help you decide, we can only try to say what we would do in a similar situation.

I've always wanted to adopt so an opportunity like this, which is very rare, would be one that I would jump at. BUT that's something I thought about for years because of my fear that I may not have been able to conceive.

I think however that as you mentioned, after your RE appointment and after you find out where you and the mother stand financially (medical bills, insurance, etc) then you will feel more comfortable making a decision. A lot of persons prefer to try a couple years on their own before going the adoption route. Others adopt and still keep trying. It's a tough decision but I think the main challenge is whether you and Clint really want this and really want it now.

Good luck in your decision.

thepinkleprechaun · #8 February 14th, 2009, 07:01 PM

I was thinking about this some more....Jeremy's cousin is adopted from Korea. When I told him about your post he told me the whole story about that whole situation. Apparently his aunt and uncle had been trying for ELEVEN YEARS to get pregnant, and they finally decided to adopt. Of course they weren't using birth control because they didn't even think they could get pregnant, but soon after they adopted their daughter she got pregnant! And they went on to have two boys, so they went from being infertile to having 3 kids!

Mod-LadyCoconut · #9 February 14th, 2009, 07:37 PM

Holy Crap! Talk about the stork coming through Texas... haha. Wow. This situation is just so incredible & random I couldn't believe it as I was reading it. Once I kind of soaked it in I went and sat down on the couch with Ben and we talked it over a bit too. We both think that this is an amazing opportunity, and that if we were in your shoes, we'd jump on it. I would probably wait until after seeing the RE to accept, just because... but most importantly, just because you adopt does not mean you won't get pregnant on your own biological children. It doesn't mean you can't keep trying, go see the RE, do whatever to have biological children as well. For me, I have ALWAYS wanted to be pregnant. I would take a long time mourning the idea of not being pregnant and having the full ten months to bond and plan for this little girl. But this kind of situation rarely presents itself at all, let alone twice in your family! Is your aunt interested at all? Like if you guys said no, would she consider adopting her? This whole situation is just SO heavy... it really blows your mind. It's amazing to think come June you and Clint could be parents to a little girl! I think that this clearly isn't your only option... it isn't a now or never situation. It's likely you two will have some way to conceive naturally in the future, or you'll be able to come up with the funds to go the traditional route of adoption. You WILL be parents. At the same time, this situation just seems so perfect... and there isn't anything saying you and Clint won't have biological siblings for this little one at some point either. Adopting her isn't ruling out your chance of conceiving and being pregnant and having more children. Not adopting her doesn't rule out the possibility of being parents altogether either, it just might mean a longer road of ups & downs and financial hardship until that time comes.

And Clint will babysit her when I come so we can go see New Moon, right? haha

*Anna* · #10 February 14th, 2009, 09:35 PM

Lauren- what an amazing thing!!! I don't have too much to add- everyone pretty much said it all!!! Great points. Just wanted to add that a cousin of DH's took 7 years after they were married at 30 years old, and finally got preggo with a boy at 37 yrs old. She is 40 now, wants to give him a sibling, and after 3 years of not preventing-NOTHING. So they are going through an adoption agency- and its costing over 50K (her hubbys work pays about 30K towards it!!! But they pay the rest) And they are currently working on their portfolio and stuff. So it could be 6 months to a year before they actually complete the process and wait for a baby- from US too- as they want to avoid all the traveling and all! So a private adoption seems so much better, but I imagine is so tough to find- so if it were me, I would do it! And then if you do get pregnant, you have babies- and you will be wonderful parents to both of them!!!

Wishing you the best!!!

HopeWishWait · #11 February 15th, 2009, 04:17 AM

My parents actually went through something very similar with me...a woman they knew told them about a woman giving up her baby, in the middle of them trying to get pregnant. They had been trying for about a year and a half with 1 loss along the way. For my parents, they decided the most important thing was that they wanted to be parents, not how they got there. So they got me and unfortunetly they were never able to conceive (of course, keep in mind this was back in the day before they had all the opportunities that you guys have...so obviously you have a MUCH better chance) so they were grateful they made the decision they did.

It's just so hard to comment because of how personal a choice it is but having been in that baby's shoes, having a good home to grow up in is so important and I know you and Clint would be fantastic parents to her. So whether you should or shouldn't I really don't know, but I think you will come to the decision that is right for you guys and be satisfied with the choice you made.

#12 February 15th, 2009, 04:46 AM

I don't know how to comment, Lauren. I went from thinking I'd never carry my own child (with DH's ED issues), to finally getting my "dream", and I hope & pray you get yours in the not too distant future, however the cherished baby comes into your life - i.e. adoption or conceived (hope that makes sense? It did in my head?!).

As someone else said, how important is it to you both to have a biological child? What does Clint feel about it all?

(((((((((((((((((((((huggles)))))))))))))))))))))) ) This is an incredibly difficult decision for you both. But whatever you decide, it'll be the right decision for you both.

#13 February 15th, 2009, 07:21 AM

I didn't read the other responses but here is what I think.

First, the chance to adopt is an amazing one, and I do believe you and Clint will make awesome parents no matter what! It really does seem like a special opportunity, if you are ready to adopt, and I do feel that if anyone would make darn sure they are ready at this moment in time to adopt, it would be you.

But I did want to say this (And I am NOT saying this applies directly to you and Clint, I am talking about this situation in very general terms since I have known 2 couples who faced infertility treatments and the opportunity to adopt): in my opinion, and it is just my opinion, I do not think it is fair to the baby if you do adopt her, nor do I particularly think it is "right", to do both fertility treatments and adoption at the same time. To me, it then seems to be more about baby collecting or having a back-up baby, then the actual child. Again, I am not saying you and Clint feel this way, this is just an opinion in general on this situation that does come up in the infertility world more then you would think (and it would be another story if we were talking about a couple who has been on the infertility road a long time). Besides, if you do choose to adopt this June baby, you have a LOT to get ready for! I know I would not want to prepare for the birth of a baby and undergo fertility testing and treatments at the same time. And usually seeing an RE is not quick, nor is it easy. Most women undergo months of fertility treatment before a doctor mentions IVF, unless the fertility problem by its nature can be found easily with testing (like a sperm problem) and give you an early IVF heads up. But if Clint's sperm is fine, and your ultrasounds and HSG are fine, you are looking at a good swath of time spent popping pills and just waiting! (remember, it took us 6 months of fertility treatments to get a bfp). So it seems to me this is a one or the other choice right now, unless you think it is ok to do fertility treatments with a newborn, which is a personal choice of course, but since I am giving my opinion here I think that undergoing fertility treatments with a newborn is not only wrong but senseless. Unless you have been on the infertility road for a long time (you are just at the beginning!) with years of failed medicated cycles under your belt, are of compromised age and want a big family, or you are just about collecting babies (which I don't think you are). Again, this is just how I feel about those types of situations.

And in case you want my opinion on whether you should do one of the other right now, I have to say if it were me I would stick with the fertility treatments. But that's me. Dustin and I really want to adopt, but we know we are not ready. If someone had come to us with this situation last May, we would have passed. Heck, if someone came up to us then and offered free IVF I would have passed at the time. But that is just us. To us, just because something is offered to us as a screaming "deal" or as an "easy" option that we may never get again, it doesn't mean we take it. You have to be ready. I know you know this already, you are a smart and conscientious woman. And for my last general impressions on this opportunity I have two things: One, I found it interesting that you said you would pass up the adoption if you had to pay the mother's medical expenses. While I know you do not see any baby as a back-up baby, and that money of course should be a consideration in these matters, this gave me the overall impression that it is not so much about adopting this baby as it is about not wanting to pass up the opportunity to have a baby very very soon on the quick and easy route. But don't get me wrong--I think quick and easy are great if you are all about adoption anyways. And my other impression--girl you are jumping the gun thinking you need IVF. Yes, you could get an HSG and be told yo tubes are completely blocked so IVF is your only option. Or Clint could get a semen analysis and they tell him he has severely compromised sperm. Those would be some quick answers for sure. But if those problems and similar ones are not present, you are one of the thousands that are facing an ovulatory problem, and hopefully little intervention would result in a bfp. But remember, it took us 6 months, so again it is not necessary a quick process to determine if you need IVF. I really hope for you it is "just" an ovulatory problem.

Ok, I am done. The only reason I was completely honest with my opinions is b/c no matter what you do, I know you will do what is best for you. And if you completely disagree with everything I wrote, that is absolutely fine. Sometimes having someone to completely disagree with just reassures you even more that what you are doing is the right decision

And you would have my full support anyways! You know what is best for you guys, and either way I am liking all the option you may have available to you to become a mom. And if you do adopt this girl, she will have an awesome mom and dad!

midnight_starr · #14 February 15th, 2009, 07:28 AM

Wow!! I really don't know what to say.. I have no idea what I would do.. It does seem like an amazing opportunity though.. Maybe this is a sign Lauren! You will know in your heart what is the best thing to do for ya'll!

Mars · #15 February 15th, 2009, 07:33 AM

WOW Michelle, that's deep!! But seriously, it's a very interesting reply! I'd never thought of it that way...as a backup baby kinda thing but I understand your point and I guess it helps that you have a little history of this kinda thing.

#16 February 15th, 2009, 07:36 AM

And just so it is clear (cause I don't wanna get yelled at, lol) I am in no way saying Lauren is considering it as a back-up baby opportunity! It is just something that is good to question oneself about in this sort of process. Well, from what I have experienced from my friends it is. Just food for thought along the way.

Mod-LadyCoconut · #17 February 15th, 2009, 09:38 AM

PMing you!

lupti · #18 February 15th, 2009, 09:46 AM

Wow, Lauren.

This is so much for you to wrap your mind around! I have absolutely nothing to add that hasn't already been said. But from what I know of you, I know whatever you decide will be the right thing and you will be an awesome Mom.

Take the time you need and really think about it. Good luck!

Lash · #19 February 15th, 2009, 09:48 AM

I also wanted to add, and I dont think I put this in there, but that many many people in my family adopt children, on both Clint and my side. Its a very natural, accepted part of parenting in our families and I can count almost 10 families that have mixed biological and adopted siblings. So in many of our cases, its not necessarily expected but its a very normal situation or decision as far as approaching parenting.

Lash · #20 February 15th, 2009, 10:13 AM

OH and yes my Aunt is adopting her if we dont. I was telling Shannon that she's not sitting on pins and needles forcing us to choose, but that she will gladly adopt her if we decide to still wait and do some other things first.

I guess I really should have put part of our family culture in there. I guess I forgot that its just normal to adopt in our families although my Aunt is the first to do so in such a way. Adoption isnt expected but its very much the norm. Clint and I have talked adoption from the beginning

Shannon brought up some words of mine from the past that I still hold to, if it gives any weight to this discussion. If someone handed me $50,000 today and asked me to choose IVF or adoption, I'd choose IVF first. Not because I think one is better than the other, but for me, the first time around, I'd still be trying for a bio child.

However we had already had one naturally and then began having trouble and that same person gave me $50,000 and asked me to choose, I'd choose adoption that time. The miraculous part about this circumstance is the cost is not a factor. Its not a backup baby to us, because we've wanted to adopt and have always talked about it. For us, its not about having one "just in case" the other doesnt work out. I can honestly say that if we'd have had a child already, we'd be taking this little girl in a heartbeat. I'd have already been at walmart buying every sun dress on the rack. I'm not sure though how I feel about having a new born and still going through with fertility meds on top of no sleep and the stress of a new baby. We do want to continue trying for a biological child but if it gets to IVF, we probably wont be able to afford that

We dont think that it will get to IVF which is the interesting thing right now. We dont think it will take that much

I think, for us, it was a fantastic way to be able to adopt, not necessarily have a baby. We've wanted to do both like I've said, and it was an answer for us to be able to adopt a child without cost as a factor, not get a baby without cost as a factor. Does that make sense? I'm afraid that fertility meds and routes will block us financially one day from being able to adopt, not from getting a baby in general.

I kinda wish I could take a snapshot of my family to show I guess the family mentality or culture. I wish I could show that for us in this situation, its not about getting a baby. We know we'll be parents. We are actually pretty calm about even waiting a year and I know that I'm not too panicked about fertility stuff. I was telling Clint the other night that the desperate feelings wore off a long time ago, and i dont know if thats because I feel whole with him and welcome a baby as an addition but not the missing puzzle, or if I'm just content to wait even if I get frustrated. I dont know, but I do know that we aren't panicky about getting a baby as fast as we can.