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  #1  
July 29th, 2009, 06:25 AM
Resi's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I got into it with my mother this morning. I knew it was going to happen any day now. She is a negative person and thrives on having something to obesess and complain about. Now that she isn't working it's become my house and husband. There has been tension for awhile now. She watches Oliver 2-3 times per week since she isn't working. She use to stay for dinner after watching Oliver and never does anymore. She doesn't talk to Damon anymore and Damon doesn't say much to her. I know she is holding a grudge againt him for what happened with him texting my brother's GF back in April. Damon texted the GF telling her she was an awful mother. If you remember that set off a fight between my mom, brother, and his GF which lead to the GF getting a restraining order against my mom, Damon, and I.

This morning she came over and started getting all worked up over Damon having his fish tank stuff out on the kitchen floor and in front of the tank. He wasn't done with what ever he has been doing the past couple days to it and left it out to finish tonight. It's on our main floor. She said it's a safety issue and she isn't going to watch Oliver anymore in our home if Damon doesn't start putting it away every time he is done with it. She said she is a "prisoner" upstairs. Everything of Oliver's is upstairs. His bedroom, his toys, his play area are all upstairs. The only reason for Oliver to come downstairs by the fish tank is to eat his breakfast, lunch, and dinner in his high chair. There really isn't a good place to let him roam when all of the fish tank stuff is put away. My mom has been complaining about the downstairs ever since Damon moved the fish tank down there a couple months ago. She even told me a month or so ago to divorce him. I told her I'm not divorcing him and breaking up our family over a fish tank and him not cleaning up after himself. That is just ridiculous. I bet if every wife on here divorced her husband for not cleaning up after himself every time he made a mess only 5% of us would still be married.

After she started going off, yelling, and getting all shaky while holding Oliver I asked that she stop yelling in front of him and took him from her. I don't want him around that kind of atmosphere. She asked if it's going to stay this way when Oliver is walking and if it is she isn't going to watch him in our home anymore and she will be taking him to her house. She lives 25 miles away and the drive is on busy highways. Damon and I don't want ANYONE driving around with Oliver. I told her we don't want Oliver driving with anyone but Damon or myself. She didn't like that either. She asked if she isn't allowed to run an errand and I said there isn't any reason to. She then said again that she is a prisoner in our house and that any one else that would watch him would want to leave with him too. I told her that most parents would feel the same way as I do and would not want someone taking there baby out for no good reason. My mom is not the best driver to start out with and she only watches him 2-3 times per week. They go for walks and to the park in our neighborhood. She has 4-5 days to do whatever she needs to do when she isn't watching him. There is no reason for him to leave in a car with her at this age. If she has a full time job she would be stuck in one place too! She started yelling and talking very bad about Damon. I don't remember what she called him but I told her to stop. I told her he is my husband and it's not her place to talk about him like that. I said that she is going to cause more problems and if she kept it up it would end up like her and my brother. She said she is my mother and she can tell me what ever she wants and get into my business. I told her that I'm almost 31 years old and she is my mother but it's not her place and she should not talk bad about Damon to me. I'm almost always going to defend him when someone calls him names. There was a lot more said and now it's hard to remember. At one point I told her to leave but she didn't. Basicly it was her attacking Damon, complaining about stuff being on the downstairs floor, her not being able to leave with Oliver, and Damon causing her not to have a relationship with my brother.

Ugh.. this stinks. I don't want her to watch Oliver anymore and either does Damon. We knew this was about to happen. It's so stupid because it's really over nothing. My mom can not just come over and watch him and enjoy him without finding something to complain about. Damon doesn't like my mom anymore and my mom obviously doesn't like him either. I'm stuck in the middle. I'm taking Damon's side but she is my mom and I can't cut her out of my life. She is too much in my life right now and she thinks that gives her the go a head to say what ever she wants.

I have not shared this on JM yet but Damon just got offered a new job that he interviewed for and accepted it. It's more money and we are both thrilled and happy about it. It's M-F during the day time. It's the same hours I work with weekends off. We need my mom to watch him now 5 days per week! She has been telling me for years that Damon needs to find a better job that pays more and now that he did she is being negative about that too. I think part of her is upset that he was able to find a new job before she did. She would have been happy and told him congratulations in the past but she didn't say a word. She said before that she would watch Oliver 5 days per week until she found a job but I would have to bring him to her house for part of the week. That would mean driving 30 mins to her house and then 45 mins to my job and then 45 mins to pick him up and then 30 mins back home. I know she won't watch him at our house even if we pay her and after today I know for sure she won't. She said that Oliver and I can stay the night at her house a couple nights per week. That was what I was going to have to do but I hate the idea of it. I don't want to change Oliver's routine. He should sleep at home every night. Plus, then Damon will not see him as much. If I stay with her she will start trying to control me and boss me around in her house. She will also keep opening up her mouth about Damon because she can't let things go. Oliver doesn't have a safe place to nap there anyways. My plan was to keep working until the end of the year to pay off bills and then find a part time job during the weekends and a couple nights per week if needed. That way I could be home with Oliver during the day when Damon works.

I don't know what to do. I still feel strongly about keeping him out of daycare (inhome or a center). Plus the cost to put him in childcare would be about the same as me going from FT to PT. My mom isn't working out and it's only going to get worse with her.

Help!
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  #2  
July 29th, 2009, 06:36 AM
LadyCoconut's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Aw Resi! I'm so sorry to read all of this... it's the worst when it's drama with your MOM Is she more rational when she's calmed down... do you think it's possible she'll reflect on this argument later and realize she's in the wrong? I am very happy to hear you stood up for your husband and I'm sorry he and your mom aren't getting along these days. It sucks to be in a position where it sounds like it would be easier to repair you all's relationship without her watching Oliver for you... but at the same time, you don't really have an option because you need her help. That just sucks.

Congrats on Damon's new job though! That's fantastic -- especially in these times where getting a good job, or any job!, is difficult. Will he be making enough that you could switch to nights/weekend p/t job now? That sounds like it would be the ideal situation. I don't think staying with your mom is going to help things at all... especially with the space it will create between you and Damon and Damon and Oliver.

Whatever happened with the data entry position? I'm sorry, I can't remember if you updated about that. The last I remember is you doing the training and working your full time day job and being pretty exhausted.

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  #3  
July 29th, 2009, 06:41 AM
Resi's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LadyCoconut View Post
Aw Resi! I'm so sorry to read all of this... it's the worst when it's drama with your MOM Is she more rational when she's calmed down... do you think it's possible she'll reflect on this argument later and realize she's in the wrong? I am very happy to hear you stood up for your husband and I'm sorry he and your mom aren't getting along these days. It sucks to be in a position where it sounds like it would be easier to repair you all's relationship without her watching Oliver for you... but at the same time, you don't really have an option because you need her help. That just sucks.

Congrats on Damon's new job though! That's fantastic -- especially in these times where getting a good job, or any job!, is difficult. Will he be making enough that you could switch to nights/weekend p/t job now? That sounds like it would be the ideal situation. I don't think staying with your mom is going to help things at all... especially with the space it will create between you and Damon and Damon and Oliver.

Whatever happened with the data entry position? I'm sorry, I can't remember if you updated about that. The last I remember is you doing the training and working your full time day job and being pretty exhausted.

My mom only ever sees her side and she will get just as emotional if we talk about it again. She is very one sided. I stopped doing that data entry job after 4 weeks. It was way too much with my FT job. I have already kicking myself for letting it go because it could have worked out now. However I wasn't doing good at it.

I could try to find a PT job now but we would be VERY VERY strapped for money. We would not have enough left over for anything or to pay off our debt. I'm looking still. I have been looking for awhile now.
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  #4  
July 29th, 2009, 09:53 AM
soImarriedAnerd's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Sorry your mom is being a PITA. CONGRATS to your man for the new job though!!!!!
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  #5  
July 29th, 2009, 10:11 AM
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wow I dont know what to say other than Id kick your mom out. of course Im a SAHM and we cut corners for me to do so, so I dont have to deal with babysitters. I too, dont want my kids in daycare *shudders*

and question, how come you dont want Oliver being driven around by someone?
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  #6  
July 29th, 2009, 10:39 AM
Resi's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Originally Posted by ~*Bethy*~ View Post
wow I dont know what to say other than Id kick your mom out. of course Im a SAHM and we cut corners for me to do so, so I dont have to deal with babysitters. I too, dont want my kids in daycare *shudders*

and question, how come you dont want Oliver being driven around by someone?
I guess we are being over protective. My mom is an air head. I don't let her drive when I'm in the car with her and I'm not letting her drive with my baby. She gets distracted very easily too. I don't want to risk something happening.
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  #7  
July 29th, 2009, 11:04 AM
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I'm so happy for your DH! At the same time, i'm sorry for all the other crap. I hope you're able to find a better solution. Does Oliver have any friend's whose mothers are SAHMs?
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  #8  
July 29th, 2009, 12:16 PM
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ah ok, I can see where your coming from!
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  #9  
July 29th, 2009, 12:31 PM
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damons new job sounds great, thats good news.
as for your mom, maybe let things cool off a bit. i know things can get pretty heated in my family too but after a while things do mellow out. sounds like she might be a grudge holder though - boo. but the other suggestion that maybe one of oliver's friends has a SAHM might be good, would you be able to pay at least something maybe? or offer a child care exchange, like watch another mom's kid when you are around?
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  #10  
July 29th, 2009, 12:55 PM
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are you part of a church or any groups? Maybe there are some SAHMs there?
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  #11  
July 29th, 2009, 06:17 PM
**Jenn**'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I'm so sorry you have to go through this Resi. My Mom is very judgemental about my husband and my life and its been going on for as long as I've been with Ian, so 9 years now. It sucks because it puts you in the middle and even though, like you, I always defend my husband she's still my Mom so it makes it hard. You'd think our Mom's would see the unnecessarily tough position they put us in when they do this kind of thing. I think her rantings are ridiculous and you have every right to request she not drive around with Oliver. When I was a nanny I never drove around with the baby. We had no reason to--I'd take him for walks and play outside if we needed to get out of the house and I never thought anything of it. Honestly it would have made me very nervous to drive around with someone elses baby.

I agree with your position on daycare and we made major sacrifices for me to be a SAHM. This is the reason why we live with my in laws because if we didn't we couldn't afford for me to stay at home. It's actually the perfect situation for all of us but I can see how for many it would be less than ideal.

Have you been having any luck with finding a child to watch in your house during the week or even part time? I still think that sounds like your best bet if you can find it.
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  #12  
July 29th, 2009, 06:25 PM
Resi's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by **Jenn** View Post
I'm so sorry you have to go through this Resi. My Mom is very judgemental about my husband and my life and its been going on for as long as I've been with Ian, so 9 years now. It sucks because it puts you in the middle and even though, like you, I always defend my husband she's still my Mom so it makes it hard. You'd think our Mom's would see the unnecessarily tough position they put us in when they do this kind of thing. I think her rantings are ridiculous and you have every right to request she not drive around with Oliver. When I was a nanny I never drove around with the baby. We had no reason to--I'd take him for walks and play outside if we needed to get out of the house and I never thought anything of it. Honestly it would have made me very nervous to drive around with someone elses baby.

I agree with your position on daycare and we made major sacrifices for me to be a SAHM. This is the reason why we live with my in laws because if we didn't we couldn't afford for me to stay at home. It's actually the perfect situation for all of us but I can see how for many it would be less than ideal.

Have you been having any luck with finding a child to watch in your house during the week or even part time? I still think that sounds like your best bet if you can find it.
What is wrong with our moms? I have been with Damon for 8 years and she never had a problem with him until lately.

I've still been trying to find a baby to watch in my home or their home. It's not easy. I applied at Whole Foods today for PT help. I figure I can work weekends and 1 night per week. They offer a 20% discount and that would save money on grocery shopping since I shop there! Will see what happens. I'm willing to make a lot of sacrifices to be home with Oliver and keep him out of day care. I thought about selling our 2nd car to pay off some debt and cut down on insurance costs. We already got rid of our home phone and cable. There isn't anything else left to get rid of. I already never buy anything extra or fun except for going out to lunch once per week.
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  #13  
July 30th, 2009, 05:43 AM
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First, let me say congrats to Damon on getting the new job.

I'm sorry you're going through thissituation with your mom. I understand that she's you mom and you respect her and want her in your life and your son's as well. I do think however that she is being a negative influence on your family and she has no right suggesting that you divorce your husband or try to break up your family. I do not think that you should stay at her home with Oliver because that also means you separating from Damon as well. I understand that you don't want to put Damon in Daycare but I think you need to look at options for finding a nanny to come and take care of him. In this situation and bring rather honest, I don't think that your mom is the best person to look after your child. She is already saying negative things about his dad in front of him and when he gets a bit older and it doesn't seem as though she will stop. I don't think you will want this to be happening when he gets older and can really understand what she's saying. I'm really sorry about the situation. It sucks.
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  #14  
July 30th, 2009, 06:27 AM
Resi's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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^ Mars, You made some very good points and I agree with them. I don't want her saying negative things in front of Oliver now because it will continue when he is older. She already makes other comments to Oliver that I don't like. When I was BF him the other day she said, "Your too big for that". I told her I didn't like her saying that and he is NOT to big to be nursed. She said he doesn't understand what she is saying but I know she will continue to make these comments when he is old enough to understand. Especially if I plan to BF until he self weans and co-sleep until he is ready to move into his own bed. She doesn't know how to keep her mouth shut and mind her own business.
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  #15  
July 30th, 2009, 07:21 AM
♥Ashley♥'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Oh my gosh!!!!! Geesh! I dont even know where to start! Where does she get off thinking she is allowed to even talk like that about Damon? My mom would NEVER! I think its because of the way I am though, and the way I grew up. She is so out of line! She has no right to complain about Damon leaving his fish tank out! OMG! That is none of her business, who cares! And I cant believe she told you to divorce your husband! Thats nonsense! I hope you can get something figured out. My thought when i started reading this in the beginning of your post was I would not want that lady to watch my child and then by the end of your post I definitely was thinking I would not want her to watch my child ever again! I hope you can get something figured out, I know you really want to stay home with Oliver and I wish you could do that, especially after this. I think she knows you need her, and that is why she feels she can act this way. I wish you could just tell you to forget about it and you dont need her to watch him anymore

Oh and Congratulations on Damon's new job!

Oh and like Shannon said, I really really dont think staying with your mom is a good idea at all. because like you said she'll just take advantage of that and its like she "has you" and not Damon. And that wont be good for you and Damon and then also (like Shannon said) Damon and Oliver. Not good at all.
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  #16  
July 30th, 2009, 07:32 AM
♥Ashley♥'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Oh AND my sister is the same way about not letting our mother drive AT ALL with my nephew. my mom is not good in cars and she is always on the phone or whatnot so my sister DOES not allow it, so if your mom is the same I dont think your being over protective at all.
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Cycle #14-15 - Met with new RE, diagnosed with a blocked right tube that previous RE completely overlooked or didnt care to mention. Soy (120mg) - BFN
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  #17  
July 30th, 2009, 09:56 AM
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Resi, I'm so sorry! I really have no advice because I've been dealing with my mom all my life and she is EXACTLY like your mom!!!! You don't want your mom to drive Oliver around? I don't even want my mom left ALONE with my boys. When I was a little girl, she was always telling me that I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm not pretty enough etc. If she did that to me, her very own child, I have no doubt in my mind that she'll do it to my boys. And they deserve better. Plus she has very sutble ways of making me doubt my ability as a mother. So I'm right there with you!!!! Sorry, I'm not help, but you can PM me any time about her! We can complain back and forth about our moms!

Congrats to Damon on the new job! That's wonderful news!!! I'm happy that worked out for you guys!!!
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  #18  
July 31st, 2009, 06:42 AM
Resi's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Guess who called off work tday? ME! I got an email from my mom yesterday asking that I bring Oliver to her house. I replied telling her It would be too much driving back and forth. It would be 40 mins to her house, 45 to my work and then 45 mins to pick him up and then 40 mins back to my house. That doesn't include any traffic I run into. We would have had to wake up before 5 AM to get ready. I explained all this to her in an email. She sent one back last night telling me that she will not come to my house because I "kicked her out". No. I told her to leave when she started talking badly about Damon. Now she won't watch him in our home. I had no choice but to call off today. I have no idea what will happen next week for going to work. Something tells me I won't be working for much longer. I can't believe she is doing this to us.

I'm sorry for complaining on here. I don't want to sound like a drama queen.
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  #19  
July 31st, 2009, 06:48 AM
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Oh Resi, I can't believe she would do that!!! *HUGS* I wish I lived closer and could watch Oliver for you!! Does she not realize she is jeopardizing your job now because you had to take off of work!? Some people just don't think!!!!!
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  #20  
July 31st, 2009, 07:48 AM
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Originally Posted by midnight_starr View Post
Oh Resi, I can't believe she would do that!!! *HUGS* I wish I lived closer and could watch Oliver for you!! Does she not realize she is jeopardizing your job now because you had to take off of work!? Some people just don't think!!!!!

Resi, I'm so sorry she is doing this to you and Damon. If I lived closer, I would watch Oliver for you!!
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