I guess I don't belong here anymore - UPDATE Post 16

sara~b · #1 November 11th, 2009, 06:12 PM

Shane and I had a little fight last night. I blamed PMS and we seemed like things were okay after we talked this morning. All day at work I kept thinking how I don't know for sure what he wants from his future. I always assumed we were on the same path or why else would we be together?

I waited until after Gemma went to bed and he had gotten ready for work. We usually sit and watch TV for 15-20 minutes before he leaves. I asked him to turn it off and actually talk to me. First I asked about marriage because I hate living together when we're not engaged and not even talking about it. He said "It's a possibility. Why else would we live together?". So I asked, "And past that?" He said,"You mean kids?" I answered yes, of course. He said, "Gem is already here so I guess that's a yes." I said, "I meant another one. You've known since we started dating that I want another one." He said, "But we only have a two bedroom house and we have two dogs." I pointed out that I don't want to live in the house he bought for him and his ex-wife forever and that it will probably take months of testing and fertility treatments to actually get pregnant once we decide to. I told him that I don't want to continue to spend my mid-20's with someone who doesn't see the same future as me or want the same things. His only response was dead silence. I waited with my head in my hands for a few minutes and when I still got nothing but silence I looked up. His face was just hard, like stone cold. I've never seen him look so mean and like he just didn't care. Turns out he's been depending on my fertility issues to keep me happy and keep him baby free. He has just been playing with my emotions and allowing me to go on thinking we would either conceive a miracle baby or see an RE at some point in the future. I guess my PMS was a blessing this month or we wouldn't have had the fight that led to me questioning him.

So, on that note, I am interviewing tomorrow for a job about 2 hours north of Pittsburgh. I can have stable daylight hours and make more money. Of course, I will be 2 hours from my mom and 3 hours away from my sister. But I'm hoping they will give me a relocation bonus to get an apartment and get settled in up there. Then I'm giving up on any future but single-mommyhood. I'm going to go back to school online to keep my student loans deferred and hopefully get some debt paid off.

I can't believe my journey here is over and with such a crappy ending. I really hope all the joy and happiness that keeps missing my life is finding its way to you ladies. You've been my sanity and I am still going to be here to stalk you and hopefully support you like you have me. It might be awhile before I'm back. I need time to grieve but I love you all and I hope I come back to a beautiful burst of BFP's.

:dothugs:

#2 November 11th, 2009, 06:17 PM

I'm so sorry Sara!! I'm sorry he's been using your "issues" against you! But you know, life changes on a dime! You ALWAYS will belong here! WE LOVE YOU!!

LisanAndy · #3 November 11th, 2009, 06:18 PM

Oh Sara, I'm really sorry! What a horrible thing for him to do

I really hope everything starts to look up for you and that this road bump is really a blessing in disguise. Keeping you in my prayers ((HUGS))

HopeWishWait · #4 November 11th, 2009, 06:37 PM

I'm so so sorry Sara, I can't even imagine. What an absolute JERK. I'd like to have words with (at) him.

Please come back whenever you are ready, we love you.

Chelnae6 · #5 November 11th, 2009, 07:15 PM

Oh WOW! HOW RUDE of him!!!!!

Dont worry, its just a stepping stone. You'll be back here, in due time, with your HUSBAND saying "Hey guys, I'm back and we're officially seeing a RE and TTC". It might be a little while, but its not far fetched.

Just focus on you and Gemma for now and enjoy this freedom.

petalfuzz · #6 November 12th, 2009, 08:17 AM

Wow! What a dooge-bag! I hope you get that new job. Even though its' farther away from family, it's still more money and will let you focus on other things. Come back anytime!!! I'll miss you !!!

Resi · #7 November 12th, 2009, 08:21 AM

I'm sorry that he was stringing you along like that. GL on your job interview. Please make sure to update us. Although you are not wttc or ttc it's nice to hear from you because you have been a member here for so long.

**jessie** · #8 November 12th, 2009, 08:26 AM

Oh that's really crappy Sara. You deserve only the best and you are right, you should not waste your time with someone who doesn't share your goals in life.

ETA: Of course, you belong here! I am also not ttc or wttc at the moment so I don't really fit in either.

Mars · #9 November 12th, 2009, 09:49 AM

I am so sorry. What a horrible thing to do to someone. That sucks on levels that are out of this world. As the others have said though, this is just a road bump and you are a very strong person who will get over this and find someone who wants the same things that you want out of life. I understand that you will need some time to yourself but come back and update us on how you and Gemma are doing.

CandaceDianne · #10 November 12th, 2009, 09:55 AM

You definitly belong here, so dont think otherwise! I am sorry he is such a jerk, but better you find out now before a baby is in the picture. I definitly dont think your TTC days are over...you have a lot of time and you will find the right husband and father for your baby.

..Penelope.. · #11 November 12th, 2009, 11:36 AM

I'm really sorry, Sarah. I'm keeping you and Gemma in my T&P.

Good luck at your job interview. Please come back when you're ready, and keep us updated.

LaLaRose3 · #12 November 12th, 2009, 12:13 PM

Sara, I am so sorry.

Why are men such IDIOTS sometimes?! *HUGS*

Please know that you belong here no matter what! Stay here with us! I for one have really benefited from advice you have given me. It would make me sad if you left!

Life is ever-changing, and I still have high hopes that you will find a man that will LOVE you and your DD unconditionally, and want more little ones!

Trannyfromtheuk · #13 November 12th, 2009, 03:32 PM

Wow, what a jerk!

~*sierra*~ · #14 November 12th, 2009, 03:35 PM

oh sweetie ***hugs***
please come back soon
xoxoxoxo

*krista* · #15 November 12th, 2009, 04:57 PM

Sara, oh my goodness! Did he actually come out and tell you that he was relying on fertility issues?? And goodness knows what he would have done if you guys did get pregnant! I can't believe that ***** toyed with you like that, it makes me so mad!

Ugh, I'm sorry. This must be quite a shock, you are so strong for being able to just pick up and move on like you are. Kudos to you.

I sincerely hope you don't decide to leave the grads section. Plenty of people post here that aren't ttc. I hope you stick around!!!

sara~b · #16 November 12th, 2009, 06:32 PM

Okay... *deep breath* I'm not sure what's going to happen now. After I posted this last night I cried myself out and then called my mother. I'm an only child and I wanted to hear from her how she felt about only having one. She ended up telling me that she actually never wanted another child but she also gave me another insight that I overlooked.

I moved in with Shane in July.... BUT it wasn't just 'me' that moved in here. I brought Gemma, a puppy and two hamsters along for the ride, not to mention all the chaos that comes with us. Shane went from being fairly recently divorced and living as a bachelor with no one to worry about but a dog... to having to cook, clean, do laundry, read bed time stories, worry about cheerleading competitions, pick Gem up from school when I have to work late, make room for two more people in his house and life, etc.

It's easy for me to forget what life was like before I had Gem. But it was a big shock when I went from doing as I pleased to being a mom and saddled with more responsibility than I ever dreamed of. I can't imagine the shock it must be to Shane to suddenly have a four year old that's not yours and you didn't raise asking you to tuck them in and kiss them goodnight. And I can't fathom going from having man-toys everywhere to stepping on Barbies and My Little Ponies overnight.

After I talked to my mom I stepped back and thought about it. Shane is willing to marry me (eventually), he takes care of Gemma like she's his own, he cooks dinner almost every night, he does tens of loads of laundry every week, he picks up after MY puppy, he washes MY car, he comes to ALL of my races, he made room for MY treadmill, he spends more time watching Care Bears than grown up shows.... What more can I ask for? Can I blame him for hating the thought of more changes to his life?

Am I really going to leave someone that does all of that just because I want a baby that doesn't exist except in my imagination? And a baby that may be impossible to conceive and carry?

My mom pointed out that he may eventually change his mind. Having one of his own might be a priority 3 or 4 years down the road but now is not the time and I need to be okay with that.

So I talked to Shane today and for now I'm going to be okay with the fact that I don't know if I will ever TTC #2. I am going to count my blessings and focus on what I can control. I'm going back to school to finish my Bachelors in Business Administration with a fast track option for my MBA if I keep my grades up. That should keep me busy enough for the next 3 years. Shane and I are also going to repaint the basement and make it more bearable for my treadmill running.

Finally, I'm going to see a counselor. I thought back and realized that I have always quit or changed jobs in winter. All of my major relationships have ended in late fall/early winter. I think I have Seasonal Affective Disorder which leads me to get depressed and act irrationally. I am contemplating trying out an anti-depressant.

Thank you for your support ladies. And I will still be around but probably still less considering the challenges that lie in front of me.

alicenwonderland · #17 November 13th, 2009, 03:35 AM

Sara- I'm sorry you are going through this hard time, but i'm glad you are taking some time to let things work out. I think your mom had some good input. Shane really seems like a good guy..(despite the most recent discression). I have a good friend with seasonal defective disorder, and I think this could be a valid explanation. Well, at least in part. I really hope you guys are able to work things out. Just maybe, in the future he will want children. *Hugs* Keep us posted. I'll be praying everything works out.

LisanAndy · #18 November 13th, 2009, 04:39 AM

I'm really glad you had that talk with your mom and she opened your eyes up to things you weren't seeing, that's great! I hope everything continues to look up for you both and Gemma

CandaceDianne · #19 November 13th, 2009, 04:51 AM

Your mom did have some very good and valid points. I am so glad you were able to speak with her and Shane. Nothing wrong with waiting (even if its not what we want), but it sounds like you will have a lot to keep you busy until you can revisit the idea.