[Chelnae6]

Michelle's (MomtoJack) post on what you're most proud of got me thinking, I dont mean to pry or get all personal but what were some of your greatest obstacles in your marriage and how did you make it through them. (let me know if I should post this over in the private section instead of here).

Being one of the unmarried ones, I always hear stories about what caused divorces, but I would love to hear some stories of how you ladies made it through the toughest times with your hubbies (even if you've only been married for a few months). Whether it be getting thru financial issues, addictions, cheating, misunderstanding, things that had you ready to put a lawyer on speed dial, etc.

I know different women have different ways on how they compromise in their marriage, but I hope to get married someday and would love to know any obstacles that you guys faced and how you all made it thru those times. And any advice that you have or wish you wouldve known BEFORE you got married.

[SandKmommy]

During our marriage our biggest obsticales have been #1 having to work oppisite shifts and have no days off together. When we moved to Nebraska to try to get out of debt I had to work(dad's rules) and I worked Fri-Tuesday 3pm-11pm with Wed and Thurs off. Dh worked Mon-Thursday (with rotating fridays) 7.30am-4pm we saw eachother every day only when he came to give me the car and I took him back to work, when he came to pick up the car after he got off, sometimes him and Seamus would come for dinner, and then after I got off when he picked me up. He would go to sleep when I got off and I was still asleep when he got off. It was hard on us, never having time together, especially in a town we hated.
#2 money issues, I have only worked from November 2007-June 2008 since Seamus was born because, at least here, the cost of day care is too much its pointless to work. So we live off one income dh's (especially now with 2 day care is even worse), and its tight but we make it work, theres months where we cant' pay the electricity bill and hope we dont get shut off, theres times when rent is 2 weeks later(like this summer when he was getting 24-32hrs a week). We've had our fair share of fights, I feel like its all my fault because I dont work and a couple other reasons, and it makes dh get mad at me because he would rather I stay home then work.

We had some issues before we got married but those have been the biggest since we did (9.1.06)

[HopeWishWait]

Nic and I went through a really hard time a few months after we got married with his World of Warcraft playing. We both played and still do but it got to the point where it was, he would literally get up play for 14 hours with breaks to eat and go to bed every single day (this was when he only had to go check in for work and come back home, before he started training). It basically got to where I felt like we weren't even married and he could have cared less that we were having a baby. Then one day I just freaked out on him told him if he didn't want to act married then get he could sleep in the other room, do his own laundry, cook his own food and good luck getting any action. He shaped up pretty quick He doesn't even play anymore.

[midnight_starr]

Our roughest patch was dealing with my depression/anxiety issues when we were first dating, but DH stood by me through it all and I think that is what has made our relationship so strong.. You have to be able to communicate with each other and compromise!

[Trannyfromtheuk]

We've really only had my Post natal depression and that was before we got married.
I was so depressed he would ring me up constantly at work cus he was worried i would try and kill my self.
I hated my self for feeling the way i did but i couldnt help it and it started to put a wedge between us. Im sure most men would have run a mile with the state i was in.
After months of counciling i started to get better and we got super close again and we became super strong for the better.

[*krista*]

Our toughest time was when I got in my car accident and was down with a bad back. I couldn't really do too much for about a year, so my poor hubby had to do EVERYTHING.... cook, clean, take care of the animals, and work. It was very stressful on him and I felt useless and got a bit depressed. He was just SO supportive, he really was a trooper. Communication was our biggest thing... I had to make sure he knew how I was feeling so he knew I wasn't just being lazy, and he understood. It was hard, but we made it through stronger.

Some of the other things that keep our relationship strong include treating eachother with a great deal of respect, even when we are fighting. It is all about having mature disagreements that get RESOLVED as opposed to just fighting to be right. We have never raised our voices at eachother and never, ever called eachother bad names. And when we do argue, we don't get petty with it and seek revenge on eachother. And my rule is, if it won't matter in 5 years, don't make a big deal about it. Let the little things go.

[LisanAndy]

Our biggest struggles have been with me trusting him from day 1. It's not because of him but because of my past b/f that had cheated on me with these really ugly, nasty girls and I felt worthless and that nobody would want me for just me, but only for sex. It was a VERY dark time in out relationship (probably the 1st year we were dating honestly). I can't believe he stood by me and helped me through it. I would cry and cry to him about how I still cared for my ex but I didn't want to and I was afraid I could never trust again. Once we got married it was fine until I got pregnant with Taylor. Financial issues have been the biggest problem in our marriage. It was very hard on us with me quitting my job to SAH with Taylor but with childcare costs my whole paycheck would have go to that anyway and I wanted to stay home with my children and Andy wanted me to. "No one can love our kids the way you will" Andy said and so at 33 weeks I quit my career. We don't regret the decision but we sacrifice some things for me to stay home. He brought a lot of debt into our marriage thanks to his parents (long story) and I have a lot of bitterness toward his parents. They made awful decisions and they fell in our laps to deal with. Then because of all the financial issues Andy became extremely stressed out and started being somewhat emotionally abusive and I took care of Taylor basically 90% of the time. I think I hit the breaking point when he broke our coffee table, screamed at me in front of Taylor, and stormed out when I was 6 or 7 months pregnant with Rylie. It broke my heart and it was over misplacing 20 bucks! When he came home he said for the first time in a long time he prayed and felt awful for what he did and knew he couldn't take it back but knew we really had to work on our marriage. We got Christian marital counseling and our marriage couldn't be better. He actually acts like a daddy to our kids, not just when he felt like it anymore, and he's grown up so much. He's become the head of the house the way I feel God intended a man to be and I couldn't feel more blessed. Even our sex is a thousand times more amazing then it used to be Marriage isn't all unicorns and rainbows, it takes work and determination, and I'm thankful we both love each other enough to make it work. I don't know what I'd do without this man in my life. It's hard to believe we've been together for 6.5 years...

[bittersweet]

Soon after we were married, we had to be geographically seperated due to work/education obligations. This seperation consisted of a 10 hr drive (1.5 hr flight...we always would fly) and almost 3 yrs.

At first it was very difficult to be without one another and to try and coordinate visits. Plus I was away from family as well, so when I'd go to visit DH of course my mom, dad, grandparents, and everyone else wanted to see me too. But we adjusted and made the best of our time together. We were able to see eachother about every 6-8 weeks or so. I still cant believe we did that for so long. What helped us make it through, was keeping busy with our own interests, having strong support from friends and family and communication between us.

[Angelaosaurus-rex]

Out of our almost 4 year marriage we have spent maybe 2 years together. And not a whole 2 years all at once all broken up here and there. And PTSD that was and still is very hard at times. And I really don't want to sound like a cry baby here lol but deployments are tough stuff. But I will say being apart keeps our sex life fresh LOL!

[alicenwonderland]

Dh and I had a really rough patch this past year. We got married when I was 19. I was still in college. Matt wasn't just my husband, he was also my first boyfriend. At the time of our marriage, matt was 26. Before dating me, he had lived through his college years, plus a few years on his own. Naturally he had been in quite a few relationships over the years. For some reason it didn't bother me until I met with temptation in the form of an old (male) friend of mine. (Probably didn't help that matt had gained almost 40 lbs since our relationship started)
I started hanging out with this guy a lot, and nagged matt constantly about his appearance. Matt went into depression because he knew exactly what was going on, but he never said a word. Luckily this other man i was seeing was a really good guy. Athough he really enjoyed my company and didn't want to stop seeing me, he knew better than to get "involved" with a married woman. One night when things were a little more than "friendly", he kicked me out before we did something we would regret. I will always be thankful for that. (for the record, nothing happened at all, not even a kiss)
Naturally I came to my senses and reconciled with my husband. He told me he knew what was going on, but he wanted me to figure it out for myself. He was afraid that if he got angry and confronted me that he would have really driven me away. I learned that love is a choice. And yes, there are many interesting people out there, but marriage is not only about being with the one you love, but choosing to honor them as well. Now I believe our marriage is stronger than ever.
We have a new rule. Don't seek out new friendships on your own with people of the opposite sex. It works for us. I think it not only prevents cheating, but jealousy as well. (Ugh, this is so embarrassing to type)

[ANGWife]

Talk about EVERYTHING, especially money. IMO money is the root of most problems in any relationship. You fight/argue about how to get it, what to do with it, why you don't have any, how you spend it, who will manage it, who will earn it, etc. Okay, after that little rant haha

One of the biggest hurdles for us has been his deployments and Army responsibilities. He was gone for months at a time, even 15 months when he was in Iraq. It built our trust in each other and just reaffirmed that we could make it thru anything. But we saw alot of our friends and his guys in his unit just fall apart. Either their spouse would cheat or not want to make the commitment to long distance obstacles. It forces you find inner strength and to create your own happiness in a time of personal strife. I think it did us wonders. I believe I am a much stronger woman, more confident, and can bring more to our marriage.

[*Amy*]

I would say this is the smaller of any issues we may have but sometimes I shut down and just don't tell him what's wrong/going on in my head because I'm afraid he'll get mad at me or something. It's stupid because he rarely gets mad about things after I finally tell him but it's just how I've always been. So communication, communication, communication. I'm working on it though, even almost 4 years later.

The other would be separation due to the military. We've spent more time apart since we've been married than we have together, most recently it was an entire year. Things were great when he got home but there have been a LOT of changes and it's been a bit challenging the last couple weeks. He came home, we went on vacation a couple weeks later, then I found out I was pregnant. Then we moved his cousin in (that was already planned before I found out I was pregnant) and it's been a HUGE challenge for me to go from just me, to having 2 men in the house, especially one who has never really had any responsibilities before but that's a whole other rant. I guess, the constant separation and reintegration is our biggest challenge but we've done mostly well with it. That's not something most normal couples have to go through though.

[Chelnae6]

thanks ladies! These stories mean A LOT to me. Thank you all for sharing. It lets me know that TRUST, RESPECT, LOVE, PATIENCE and COMMUNICATION are some of the principle key elements to a successful relationship foundation.

Although sometimes the beginning might start off rocky and lacking some of those traits, that you guys can work together to come together and resolve a lot of issues in order to move forward.

Krista - I like you guys 5 year concept.

[Mars]

The biggest issue we have is that we are both very stubborn and opinionated. From this DH thinks that I don't respect his opinion because I usually feel the need to research things or have the opinion seconded before I accept it. And sometimes, I feel as though DH makes up things if it's an area he's knowledgeable about to win an argument and I guess that's why I feel the need to research it. Fortunately, we don't clash very often.

[IamMom]

For me and David our roughest patch was addiction. I don't want to post all about it here but I've posted in the private forum in the past about it. I will just say that alot of talking and compromise and allowing each other to have time to do what they like to do and also have time as a couple without kids is very important. Keeping your own identity in a relationship is important and everyone needs to have their own thing (except for another man or woman) to do that they like and not just be a husband/wife or a mother/father. My husband really enjoys running now and triatholons and marathons so that's what he does and I make sure to give him his time to do that without nagging or making him feel guilty (well not alot anyway )

[ShannonMVT]

Our greatest obstacle was money/job related. Dh was working at home trying to start a business (not earning money) while I was out working. Other things had to be put on hold (buying a house, ttc) while he tried to follow his dream. Well it kept taking longer and longer than he expected and I got frustrated and mad about having to put off moving on with our lives. We just had to keep talking about it and we eventually set a time frame of "if the business has not worked out by X time then we will change things and have him look for a job with a company" which is what ended up happening. In hindsight I should have been more supportive of him and respectful of what he was trying to do.
Anyway, I think the key to our marriage is our faith. We are both Christians and when we got married we both looked at it from a standpoint of divorce is NOT ever an option. No matter what happens, we are stuck with each other! I have known him for a very long time and I think that also has given me a sense of security that I truly know who he is as a person and I can trust him completely.

Hmmm... HIS MESS is a HUGE issue, but it's NOT a deal breaker.

Our biggest issues come from when I don't feel like our marriage is a priority over his relationship with his parents. They need to be CONSTANTLY reminded that we are our OWN family, they DON'T need to be informed of every decision we make, everything we do, the movie we went to last night, etc. etc.

This also comes to communication where "stopping by his parents" turns into hours and hours... Running an errand for his dad turns into hours and hours..

I'm happy to report it IS getting better. The phones dont ring and ring and ring anymore, AND for our 3 day getway, his mother DID NOT and I repeat DID NOT NOT NOT call us ONCE! Can you ladies believe it?

We lived together for 2 years before we got married. Those 2 years were a heck of a lot harder on our relationship than the 4 years of marriage have been. For us, once we were married, we took our committment a lot more seriously. We used to have arguments where we would threaten to break up or I would walk out and not come home for the night. Once we were married we realized that those things were no longer an option. Only once has the "d" word (divorce) ever come up.

Our first year of marriage was definitely the most difficult. We had just bought a new home with a large mortgage payment. When we bought the house I didn't have a job. I got a job with a magazine a month later, but the pay was NOT good. I wasn't contribution at all to any of our expenses. My poor DH was bearing the burden of it all. He kept telling me to find a different, better paying job but I refused. I loved my job and insisted to him that it would eventually pay well (it was commission). We went back and forth on this. He even told me to get a 2nd job at a coffee shop or something to bring in more money. I told him he was out of his mind. I thought he was just being mean, but looking back, I realize that he was just so stressed from having to shoulder the weight of 100% of our expenses and our new home.

Things did not improve until I went to my boss and demanded a raise. I only did it because my DH told me that if I didn't demand for a raise or quit that I was not allowed to come home I asked my boss for a raise out of spite for my DH, but luckily for me, I got it. I guess that proved to my DH that I was willing to fight to make more money and try to help, even though the raise wasn't really all that much.

I was right and the job did end up paying a lot better (I've been with the company for 4 years now!) and some months I make more money than DH does. But yeah, that was the most difficult point in our relationship. We are better off now than we have ever been. We've been through more terrible financial hardships, we lost our house, etc and yet it has not effected our relationship. As with everything, you just have to work at it.

[Oriyan]

Our biggest issue in the past was the Army. All the Weekend Drills that dug into our us time, the 2 week Advanced Trainings in the summer, the time when they started sending him for physicals all over to make sure he was deployment ready -- it sucked! Thankfully, he is done now.

Our current issue is money. We have more expenses then we make each month and its killing us. We literally argue everyday over money. It does not help that each time i have a little extra to pay a bill, my car breaks or needs something.

Since we lived together pretty much our entire relationship (since 5 months), i can say I know it all. What do I wish I knew before that though? What a tight wad he is, how much of a recycle freak he is (drives me insane sometimes even though yes it is good). Just the little things I am used to now.

[CandaceDianne]

For David and I it was communication and my insecurity. We were both fairly young when we got married. I think he was 20 and I was 21 or 22. We were both still pretty selfish and the communication started to come between us. We ended up seeking counseling to save our marriage (about a year and a half in). If it werent for counseling, we wouldnt have made it through that extremely rough patch. We still have problems at times communicating, but its MUCH better than it was before. I think if we would have stuck with counseling for another 3 months or so, it would have completely resolved itself, but we are good for now.
I was also very insecure about David leaving me for some reason. When I was younger I was always heavier (reached about 220-230 and a size 18 almost 20) so I had no self esteem. My twin brother was always the popular jock in high school and I was always his sister. None of the boys were interested in me probably because I didnt put any effort into ME. My low self esteem with my parents divorcing when I was 19 after 25 years of marriage (and out of no where!) really did me in I think. The counselor helped me work through those issues and I am not nearly as insecure as I once was. I started taking care of myself and becoming more healthy. On top of that, David dated me even when I was nearly my largest. And he was with me when I was at my smallest and he is still with me and loves me no matter what.