[*kyle*]

So quick update on me - I made it to 38 weeks and the baby is measuring 9+ pounds now. Surprisingly, given that I had preterm labor and bed rest and all of that, I am now having no signs of labor. My doctor is starting to get antsy thinking if I go to 40+ weeks the baby is going to be so big that either my BP could start to go up, we could have other complications of labor and/or need to schedule a C-section to get the baby out. So she stripped my membranes today and I'm doing all the things they say to do to try and get labor started (walking, nipple stimulation, sex, primrose oil...) Regardless my doc has scheduled me for an induction next Monday 11/23 if I don't go into labor before then. So, first of all, please send lots of LABOR DUST my way!!!

OK, here's where the grandmas come in... and keep in mind both sides of the family live 5-6 hours away in another state:

DH calls his mom after the appointment and she informs him that she had to put in a request at work for time off to come see the baby and help out. She didn't know what dates to ask for so she kind of arbitrarily chose 11/30 through 12/6. Assuming that I go until the induction, that would be the second week of baby's life. It is important to note that I really like my MIL and feel that she will be a big help, although I do think she will be more focused on taking care of the baby while she is here, rather than taking care of me... if that makes sense.

DH himself then calls his office manager and tells her to cancel all of his patients for next week. He figures that either I'll go into labor this week or next Monday at the induction and he wants to spend the first week of baby's life bonding at home with JUST ME AND HIM. He was very, very emphatic that he did not want any other family or friends around until he felt that we had had "our family time." I pointed out that I could be in physical recovery and need some extra help but he insists, and I mean he is totally 100% certain that he will be able to do it all.

I then call my mom. When she hears about the induction being scheduled she says "Oh good, now I can put in for some time off from my job" because she did not know what dates to ask for beforehand. So I say to her - "Eric is really looking forward to "just us time" for the first week and MIL has already planned to come down the second week, so can you make it out for the third week?" Her response is silence... followed by "Oh, um, ok, I guess..." So of course I can tell something's wrong and I say well what were YOU planning to do? And she says "I was hoping to be there for the first week or at least the second, because I thought I'd be able to help you with breastfeeding, and take care of you, and help you and Eric learn the ropes of new parenthood." Which all sounds really great to me, ya know? So I go back to Eric and propose having my mom come in for the first week. Well he's completely against that. He really, really wants the first week to be about him and us. So then I'm like can't your mom move her dates so that at least my mom can come in for the second week? And he says no - "My mom already got these days off and her job is not very flexible and I also don't think it is fair to rank the grandmas in order of importance."

Then I get this series of text messages from my sister (who lives with my parents):
"I don't know what happened between a month ago, when you told mom that you wanted her there for the first week the baby was here, and now, but I got home from work tonight and she is so upset she's been close to tears all night. What is this about {MIL} being there? Mom was really looking forward to being there with you and teaching you things. I just can't believe how selfish {MIL} is. Everyone knows that the first week is a big bonding experience for the new mom and HER mom."

Which is kind of how I feel and kind of not... I think all three (Eric, my mom and MIL) are ALL being a little presumptuous and all three of them want to be the most important... but I have no idea how to deal with the family politics of this and NOT make someone feel upset. But I don't want both grandma's here at one time because a) we don't have the space or time for too many people at once and b) I was hoping to spread out the "help" so that I would have as much support over the longest period of time as possible.

What would you girls do, or if you've been through anything similar, what did you do? Thanks in advance for getting through all of that LOL.

[LisanAndy]

I'm sorry this is happening right now! You're about to have a BABY and shouldn't have to deal with this mess. When I had Taylor the same thing happened during my labor and delivery. My mom was NASTY to my nurses because *I* had requested no one was allowed to come back because my MIL just kept staring at me and asking me if it hurt She would sneak back past the nurses, she tried to 2-way Andy on his phone while I was PUSHING and she got offended when he said he was too busy. Then when both were finally able to come back my mom said "it took you long enough to get that baby out (I was in labor for 8 hours ), now give her to the most important grandma" right in front of MIL. Then every time my MIL would try to talk to me about anything that happened that day my mom would keep sighing loudly, rolling her eyes, and acting like it wasn't my MIL's grandbaby too. My mom said, "you're MY daughter, I'd just like some time with you alone". There was way more then that but when it was time for Rylie to be born I asked NO ONE come to the hospital. Everyone respected my wish except for my parents of course, they just show up and the nurses allow her in my room while I'm 9.5 centimeters, my epi never worked so I was in some serious discomfort and she started talking about how falty the staff was... are you KIDDING me mom?!?! Anyway, I've talked with both since. I tried to explain the best way I knew how to my mom that neither grandma was more important than the other. I would do the same in your situation and explain how it's hard for you MIL to take off work. Is there any reason she can't come down the 2nd week as well?

[alicenwonderland]

Wow, you're in a tight spot. Maybe you can talk to your DH about how important this is to you and your mom? Or as Lisa said, have both mothers come at the same time? Can't be more fair than that can it? I'm sure you mother feels like she's missing out on newborn time if she has to wait until week 3. I'm sorry.. what a mess!

[ANGWife]

Gosh that just sucks it be in this situation.

I would pull MOMMY rank. It's wonderful that Eric wants to help so much and have the bonding. But I don't think he fully understand how out of shape you will be and how demanding the first week will be. He will be there far more for that child's everyday life than your mom or MIL. There will be tons of bonding time. Now I can understand not wanting alot of people there. But it's your mom and if you want her there, then she should be allowed. You will be tired, sore, frustrated, emotional, all of these things. Sounds like your mom will be a great help.

I would allow mom to come the first week. And before she comes, just explain to her how you want things to go. Tell her how important that family time is and that you want to make sure that she doesn't step on anyone's toes unwelcomed. KWIM? And besides taking care of you, your mom can help in other ways that DON'T disturb your bonding time, ie. making meals, doing laundry, washing dishes.

This is TOO important of a life change to not get what you want.

[*JenJen*]

I agree with Morgan, good luck hon.

[*krista*]

First off, I'm glad baby is doing well! What a big boy! Hopefully he isn't quite as big as the u/s says he is.

As far as the family, I think your mom should get first dibs if what both moms want is to come help you (obviously they have alterior motive like any grandparent would, but you know what I mean). It isn't that she is more important for the grandbaby, it is just that she is your mom and you will be the one who will need to be taken care of while you take care of the baby. But the bad thing is I don't think there is any way to tip toe around this without someone's feelings getting hurt. It is just one of those situations.

As a first resort I would try to convince DH to let your mom come the first week. Or maybe a couple of days after the baby is born so that you, DH, and the baby have the bonding time that he wants? I mean, you might have some overlap between moms, but it shouldn't be much. Last resort for me would be having your MIL change her plans.

Either way it doesn't sound like your DH will be happy either. What a sticky situation! I would just remind him that you will be in recovery mode, not him, and you just might need your mommy!

I hope you manage to get it all sorted out. I have a feeling I will have the same kind of situation on my hands when the time comes after all the drama with my wedding between my mom and step mom. Ugh. KUP!!!

[Resi]

You are soo close to meeting your baby boy! How exciting. I'm sending lots of labor vibes so you don't make it to your induction date.

I feel for you and that situation. I don't know what the answer is because there isn't much flexibility. I know if it was me I would want my mom to be there before my MIL. I can see why your mom has hurt feelings. I can also understand not wanting both grandmothers there at the same time. It's too overwhelming. I was ready to be alone after the first couple of days at home.

[HopeWishWait]

My mom was supposed to be here the first week of Conner's life but she got in a huge fight with DH and left the day Conner came home from the hospital. So I had had a c-section and now it was just Nic (who has never even held a baby before) and me (who can barely get out of bed) taking care of a newborn. It was hard, we were exhausted, but we did it. And I do think there was a stronger family bond because we were on our own...so I do see where your DH is coming from. BUT, he needs to take into consideration what you will be going through, how emotionally and physically exhausted you will be and how much you AND the baby will need....so therefore YOU should be able to decide what will make the transition and first few days easiest on YOU. That may sound selfish but that's just how it is, you are the mommy, you did all the work, you get to make those kind of decisions. At least in my book

[Resi]

I have to agree with Morgan too. My mom was the biggest help those first few days after having Oliver. I would talk to Eric about it and tell him how important it is to have your mom there that first week. She can remain in the background to help out. Maybe she could come from Nov. 26 - 30th? That would give you and Eric a couple days alone if you have the baby by the 24th. There has to be some kind of compromise.

[**jessie**]

I guess I have a different opinion. I agree with Eric. Personally, I thought that first week was very special and I wouldn't have any full-time visitors, no matter who they are. Both me and my DH were new to babies, but we just wanted/needed time to figure things out for ourselves and bond with baby. We did have visitors drop by and it just added to my stress. If I could change something for next time, it would be NO visitors for one week. In the hospital is fine, but not just after getting home.

[bittersweet]

I tend to agree with Resi...and think I might do something similar. Have her come maybe the 2nd or 3rd day you are home from the hospital. This way, she still is there for just about the first week and your DH gets his bonding time. Those first couple days will probably be much more exhausting than DH expects and I bet he will be welcoming your mama with open arms when she arrives. This way tou get the best of both worlds.

My mother wants to fly in while I'm in labor so she can be there the minute baby arrives. But now I'm starting to think maybe the first couple days should just be DH and I since he literally gets maybe 2-3 days off work for the baby. I get where you are coming from and there is no way not to hurt feelings with this. It is the first grandchild (right?) so everyone is just anxious and excited for the arrival and wants to be a part of it.

[midnight_starr]

Baby will be here soon!!!

I think you just have to put your foot down and tell DH that you want your mom here that first week.. I know you are not trying to make one grandma more important than the other but sometimes a girl just needs her mom there with her and hopefully Eric can understand that!

[niknok]

I TOTALLY think you'll need your mom that first week. I didn't want my Mom there, and I ended up begging her to not leave me and DH. I agree to have her come when baby is a couple of days old, when Eric is good and exhausted. He'll welcome her with open arms!!! I'm sorry you are having to deal with such drama.

[CandaceDianne]

At first I agreed with Eric....but now I am starting to see the other women's views. I have never gone through labor and pp stuff (yet), but I can only imagine how difficult it is. I know when my SIL gave birth last December, there was tons to do around the house that there were multiple people over there (her DH had to work though, plus she had a 6 year old). I am sure you and DH could compromise if you decide you do want help that first week, but if you dont want help then that's your call. I tend to think you will and I am sure you could have it to where your mother isn't there 24/7. She can run out and do grocery shopping/errands or even be in a completely separate room while your ffamily has bonding time.
If you decide to not go with that option, then I think its YOUR call who you want there the 2nd week. Its whoever you feel most comfortable with adn want there at first. Your grandmothers need to get over themselves and realize its not about them right now, its about you and the baby (I am having to realize this myself now with my mother). I am sure your MIL can change her schedule, its not like she will be coming tomorrow. Just dont worry about whose feelings you are going to hurt, worry about whats best for YOU.
That's my , and here is some labor dust

[petalfuzz]

I agree with what's been said: mainly that your DH and you can have baby bonding time, but it doesn't have to be a full week. That it can be a couple days and then your mom can come. Also, your mom does NOT have to stay in your house with you! There are such things as hotels! And the 2 grandmas can overlap their stays for a couple days, if need be.

You also need to think about if the drs are right, and you're going to deliver a 10 pound baby with induction, and the risks of c-section so high! You need to think of your care before the baby's, unfortunately. That's when you need to have your mom with you. It'll have to work!

[ANGWife]

Originally Posted by niknok

I agree to have her come when baby is a couple of days old, when Eric is good and exhausted. He'll welcome her with open arms!!!

Well said!

[Resi]

Originally Posted by petalfuzz

I agree with what's been said: mainly that your DH and you can have baby bonding time, but it doesn't have to be a full week. That it can be a couple days and then your mom can come. Also, your mom does NOT have to stay in your house with you! There are such things as hotels! And the 2 grandmas can overlap their stays for a couple days, if need be.

You also need to think about if the drs are right, and you're going to deliver a 10 pound baby with induction, and the risks of c-section so high! You need to think of your care before the baby's, unfortunately. That's when you need to have your mom with you. It'll have to work!

I really hope you don't end up needing a c-section but if for any reason it goes that way you will most likely love the extra help around. I had my mom help me shower each day, get me dressed, get me water, cook for me, and anything else I needed. She also helped get Oliver for me in the middle of the night so Damon could sleep because he had to work. Eric will be worn out after a few days too and will welcome a chance to nap while your mom takes over.

[~*Bethy*~]

to everything said above - and I would stick to your guns and go into labor on your own - avoid a c-section at all costs!!

I agree with Morgan.

There seems to be a trend going on nowadays where parents want to be the only ones there with the newborn for the first week b/c of bonding. I thought that way before I had Jack too.

Well, it really doesn't make much sense to be honest. We look back on the first weeks now with fear in our hearts It wasn't terrible, but it was a LOT to take in. I daresay your DH will not miss out on some pivotal bonding experience with the baby if your mom is also there that first week. But you really could miss out on a wonderful bonding experience with your mom, if you want her there, if she isn't there. Anyways, you two can still have your "family of 3" time even if your mom is there. But I don't remember the fatigue, uncertainty, or fear of having a newborn with fondness. Sure there was good stuff, but you will have the child for at least the next 18 years, and those first few weeks are not the good parts! What I do remember with fondness are the people that were there to help me, especially the ones that were there just for me. It meant so much to me. So if you want your mom there, I would try to have her there. Her hurt feelings won't be something she easily gets over either - the grandma politics exist whether you head them or not, and having mil there before your mom is only a decision you should make b/c you are the one that will have to face the consequences of that decision in your relationship with your mom, not your DH. It is a big deal, and imo they had it right back in the day when women joined together to support the new mom following the birth and the men took a backseat. Trust me, my husband was the BEST after Jack was born. He helped with everything, and got up for midnight feedings and diaper changes for weeks. But while I was so glad he shared in all of that with me, he was still a man, and having a baby is a decidedly female experience that really responds well to the additional presence and help of other females. At least for me, the actual baby was only a small part of it. They just eat sleep and poop. The rest of it is about supporting a new family, and especially supporting the new mother.

With all that said, the birth of a baby is about YOU. It isn't about the dad (haha, not even close), it isn't really even about the baby. It is YOUR experience. So do what you want.

Hope that helped some one way or the other.

[Resi]

Very well said Michelle! and so true.