[ANGWife]

I could really use some support and advice

So long story short, DH was on travel for 2 weeks and I was left to care for Henry by myself. The first few nights were fine but then he started to crying alot at night. I think it was a combination on sleeping in the playpen at my mom's house and him knowing that his dad was not around (even at 7 months, I think he just knows it). I was taking care of him 24/7 so I got really tired and lazy and decided to give in and let him fall asleep with me in the bed, which then turned into sleeping with me all night.

Ed got home Saturday and I was relieved to finally get Henry back in his crib. Getting him down was a challenge but I had Ed to help. But then he woke up a few times in the night screaming. I went to him and was able to get him back to sleep by using the glider. Last night, it took almost 2 hrs to get him down. Then he woke every 45 minutes, 4 times in a row. And I was the one who was up all those times! Ed kept saying that I'm giving in and that Henry knows if he screams I will come. True, but I'm not going to just let him cry. It's my own fault for breaking his routine and giving in before. But I'm getting no support from Ed. He says "Are you just going to get up every 45 minutes and go to him?" Well maybe I have to. It doesn't help that he has learned this new cry to get my attention that just sounds horrible. I kept trying to tell him that I don't think Henry understands what's happening if you just leave him alone. You can't change his habits in 2 nights!

I even woke him up one time (how the hell can he sleep with the baby monitor right next to his face!) and asked him to help. He refuses to "give in." Ok so I "made" this happen but he's the one who left all responsiblity on me for 2 weeks. Why can't he help?! I realize it may take awhile to get him back to his normal sleeping pattern. IMO the first step would be to get him out of our bed and in his crib, even if it takes gliding him to sleep several times a night.

My baby use to be able to fall asleep all on his own, in his crib. I feel guilty, exhausted, and then angry at Ed.

[*krista*]

I wish I had a solution for you for Henry's sleeping patterns, but I know nothing about that.

As far as Ed is concerned, I think I would be a bit angry too. It sounds like he is making bad excuses to not get up and help. Have you told him how difficult this is for you? You must be so exhausted.

[alicenwonderland]

*Hugs* I'm sorry Morgan. I would be soooo angry. Have you explained to your DH that research shows that a secure baby is a happy baby? When the baby cries and you answer, that makes him feel safe and secure. A secure baby will in turn cry less. Try to assure him that this is temporary until he gets used to his crib again. Ask DH to answer to show Henry that he can be secure in his daddy's presence too. (Actually i think i'm talking out my *ss)

Maybe you and DH can get a sitter and spend an evening together, and talk about your feelings, while a wailing Henry isn't creating tension. It sounds like a tough spot that needs honest communication. Ed is a parent too, and should be an equal partner in his care.

[Resi]

I don't have any advice because we co-sleep. But Ed should support you more. I think you should give it a little more time before letting him CIO.

And just so you don't feel so alone.. Damon has NEVER helped me with Oliver during the night. During the day time I also take care of Oliver 98% of the time.

[Mars]

I'm sorry. I don't really have much advice to give. Amara used to be a great sleeper and then her sleeping habits just changed. I've tried everything except CIO. I attempted it once but never made it past the first part because it was breaking my heart to see her cry. She has the most pitiful looking face when she cries. I just can't handle that face. I hope she never learn to use it against me

I'd be mad at Ed too but I think that some men just don't "get" it with babies.

I hope Henry will settle again soon and that you will get some rest. You must be exhausted.

[LisanAndy]

I'd let him cry for 10 to 15 min periods and then soothe him and leave again. That's what I've done with both girls and they're excellent sleepers. I just turned the monitor off when Rylie would start crying. I'd turn it on after 15 mins and if she was still crying I'd go in and rub her back (she'd still be crying mind you) and let her know I was there. I'd then leave the room for another 15 mins and keep repeating it until she fell back to sleep. It only took 2 nights and she's a perfect sleeper. It's heartbreaking to hear your baby cry but remember, they're not in any danger and as long as they ate a decent dinner close to bed time they shouldn't be hungry. I know it's not easy but you'll be thankful you did it in the long run. It's a more gentle method of CIO then just letting them scream for hours on end without reassuring them

[HopeWishWait]

I have almost the exact problem with Nic. Since Conner was 8 weeks old, I have been the sole person to get up at nigh...and he didn't start sleeping through the night until about a month ago. Even when Nic would have the next day off, I got up. I would wake up him (And I dont know either, how they can sleep through their child screaming, Conner makes a PEEP and I'm wide awake) and he would make some snotty comment or just mumble and roll back over. So I just do it on my own.

As far as getting Henry to sleep, I have no advice because I did what you are doing. CIO works for some people, not for us. Conner also isn't one of those babies who is comforted without a bottle or being picked up, so the comfort but dont pick him up method wouldn't have worked for him either. I would rock him, bounce him, put him in his swing, finally the other night we went for a half an hour drive. Whatever calms him down enough to go back to bed and fall asleep on his own.

I know this got long and I didn't really say much but my point was I have been soooo in your position and I know how ticked you must be at DH. So here's some support..

[ShannonMVT]

That stinks! You may have to play the "mommy card" and tell him that you are not okay with him crying if that is how you feel. I know it stinks though b/c I've had Dh tell me essentially the same thing as your Dh, that if I wanted to do it "my way" (not letting him cry) then I could feel free to be in charge of keeping him happy. I had to appeal to Dh's logical side and tell him about research studies that show that babies stress hormones go up when they cry, etc. And also Dh learned through letting Matthew cry for short times that he generally just gets more and more worked up so CIO doesn't work anyway.
We do let Matthew cry when I know it's just a whiny cry, sometimes he'll go to sleep on his own if its just that. I think moms know when a cry means they need to go to their baby. Some cries you HAVE to go in there, IMO.
I also tend to Matthew 99% of the time at night. I think that's party b/c of BFing.
Matthew was up over and over and over last night. I ate Mexican food and chocolate. Sigh. So he had gas and wasn't feeling well. Another reason I refuse to do CIO, if I had not gone into his room and heard him passing gas I could have just said "oh well he's just crying". He ended up in my bed last night because it was just too insane for me to keep going up and down stairs. So I feel your pain.

[freesiangel]

I'm sorry you're not getting any support from Ed... My DH will help if it's the weekend (yay), but during the week I get all responsibility since I don't have an 8-5 "job." I get that he needs sleep to function at work, but at the same time if Xander has a really bad night I get so mad at him for being asleep. Still, I'm usually the one that has to get up anyway because of BFing, it's if he won't fall asleep after I feed him that DH will soothe him for awhile. Xander takes 45-70 minutes to nurse, so if I then have to take another 20-30 minutes to soothe him to sleep I can get pretty cranky. lol. Luckily this doesn't happen very often (knocks on wood). But when it does, grrrrrr....

Hopefully Henry will adjust to his crib again quickly!

[Frozendesire]

I'm sorry that you are getting frustrated I don't have much advice because I'm very used to have to care for the boys 24/7 by myself. Although lately James has really helped out alot, but it's been on his terms and I think that makes everyone MUCH happier.

As far as sleep goes, this might not even be your "fault". I know Dustin all of a sudden did a big switch in his sleep habits a few months ago and so far I've gotten maybe at the most 1.5 hours straight of him sleeping alone in his crib. It's REALLY hard, REALLY tough.. but I just keep at it. I do all the night stuff, whether James works in the morning or not. I used to get so upset sitting there in bed with a crying baby and James snoring away.. but now I've come to realize that if that's just not his area of specialty I don't push it. And now I don't mind at all. He is horrible at night, he stumbles around, gets frustrated, doesn't know where anything is... lol. He does much better in other areas

I don't know if that helps you at all.... I just hope that you can find common ground. Either way he has to be supportive of your parenting choice and you of his. I think a good sit down talk, baby free is a GREAT idea. We need to do that often.

[Angelaosaurus-rex]

((HUGS)) Chris very rarely helps me out either I know how ANNOYING that is. I hope things get better quickly!!! PM me if you need to rant or vent at all!!!

[Resi]

I was reading some of the posts above. My husband doesn't want me to let Oliver CIO at all. BUT he doesn't want to help in trying to get him to sleep either. I guess since I BF and that is what gets Oliver back to sleep it's all on me. I don't mind but there were plenty of times I was ticked that DH never lost a wink of sleep. Now that I don't work and DH does I would never ask him to wake up to help but that is just me. Plus, if I ever tried to wake him up he would be very grumpy and it's not worth it to me.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this all by yourself. One thing I do know though, is around 6-7 months babies start to get stranger anxiety, and with that they also get more anxious being left alone. So it probably isn't all caused by you co sleeping for that short time you did. It is probably a combination of things and may have started happening anyways. Try not to feel like it is your "fault"

[ShannonMVT]

I was thinking some more about this and wanted to mention maybe part of the problem is separation anxiety?
Also, I've noticed that when I take matthew someone new (like when we went to my inlaws for 5 days over thanksgiving) it took him two days to adjust to being there and to start sleeping decently. Then when we got back home it took him two days of being at home to re-adjust.
Anyway, I hope you are having a better day. I know it gets tiring for me to be in charge 24/7.

[~*sierra*~]

everyone has given great advice. i really hope his sleeping improves soon sweetie xoxo

[ANGWife]

Thank you for listening. It really had been tough on me.

I guess FF is one area where I can make Ed help at night. But I just don't think it's a hunger issue. I've upped his intake during the day, but do you think that's what it is? I don't want to get in the habit of giving him a night "snack" if that's not what he really needs.

And I think you guys might be right. I figured the reason he cried was because he might be scared that no one is there. Afterall he was sleeping with me all night before and now I'm suddenly not there. It's hard to soothe him, because I don't want him to fall asleep in my arms because then he wakes and freaks cause he's no longer with me KWIM?

[Trannyfromtheuk]

Sometimes it can be so fustraiting! Im sure my DH would more then likely wake for his car alarm going off them to hear Mia cry!

How is Henry sleeping through the day? Is he getting too much sleep?
When Mia was around 7/8 months old she changed her sleeping pattern and i had to adjust it so she would sleep through the night again x

[Chelnae6]

do you keep a night light on? For some reason I feel that thats a comfort to them.

I know Miki's crib was in SO's room so she'd cry and I'd always tend to her but Will rarely ever woke up unless she cried like something was wrong which was rare. And If I'd say "your daughter is crying" he'd just say "let her cry". Some nights I'd wake up other nights I'd let her cry for her minute or two. She'd realize that we were in the room with her and that was enough for her since neither of us was picking her up lol.

I'm a light sleeper so any wink out of her I'd hear it. sometimes she just wanted to know that she wasnt alone (if we were still awake in another room) and I'd just go in there and lay her down and rub her back until she fell asleep.

Since DH doesnt get up in the middle of the night to tend to Henry, I dont think that its that. Its the changing of the environment. Its going to take him a night or two to adjust.

But honestly, he's old enough to know that if I cry, mommy will come.

FF would definitely help.. Is thiss why you want me to come out after my surgery lol??

i'm in the same boat with regards to the support!! However, the past 2 weeks DH has helped a lot as we've had some big issues with Kirsty's sleeping at nighttime and I just cannot do it on my own. I had to come down one night whilst putting her to bed and send DH up to do it, I'd just had enough for that point in time. DH was then left to finish getting Kirsty off and realise how difficult it is and now he helps more at bedtime. Perhaps you could try that!!! Just come to the living room and tell him he needs to help cos it's just too much. Cry if you have to!! I know that may seem dramatic, and some of you girls might be shocked at me but I swear I was at breaking point on this just 2 weeks ago. DH really stepped up and helps out most nights now!


With regards to the sleeping....

how long are Henry's awake spells through the day? How many naps does he take in the day, how long for? What time does he get up and go to bed (or do you regard as "bedtime" !!)

It's sooooo easy to miss the sleep window - I did for months with Kirsty!!! It sounds like he is in an overtired slump and can't get through it. Being OT can make it difficult for them to settle into a deep sleep come bedtime