[sara~b]

Since you girls know me best I thought I would ask here first before I bring this up to Shane.

A girl in my DDC posted about how she feels akward about giving her baby the father's last name since they aren't engaged/married. Reading her post brought up all the old feelings and grudges I have towards Gemma's bio father. I wish every day that she had MY last name, not his, but I don't want to pay $1500 to change it when we can have Shane adopt her for $2000 once/if we're married.

Now the problem comes in here.... I have just assumed this whole time that we WILL get married (I mean he did propose right?) and our daughter will have HIS last name. Now that I read that post I feel worried and kind of scared to do that. I brought up to him twice now just getting married now with a JP or something and doing the ceremony and reception later (like renewing our vows in 5 years or something) but he hasn't given me a yes or no. Maybe he thought I wasn't serious? I don't know but now that I'm thinking about it I'm worried that maybe he's second guessing marrying me. And if he did leave (or I left him) then I would have two kids with two different last names from mine. And if Shane tells me he is second guessing marrying me I probably would leave. I didn't have any second thoughts about how the future was going to be until I read this lady's post and reflected on how much crap Gemma's bio father put me through with false promises and stuff.

I don't want to give the baby my last name and then have to pay $1500 to get the birth certificate 'corrected' next year if we do get married. I just want it settled now and I want a FIRM date and to start planning in earnest if we're doing a 'real' wedding next year instead of getting married now. Now that I'm remembering back, Shane actually got mad at me for giving Tuxedo Junction our information. I thought he was mad I gave out our phone number and emails so I quit signing us up for wedding info but what if he was upset I was making real wedding plans? I'm so lost now! HELP!

So am I nuts? Is it preggo hormones? Or should I go ahead and address this with Shane tomorrow and let him know that I'm serious about just going to the JP and doing the 'real' wedding later? (Zack did this to me too! We had a date and I moved to NC for him but he called off the wedding 4 months before! I can't go through all this crap a third time! AAARGH!)

[Mod-LadyCoconut]

That's tough Sara. My initial reaction is that you two have some issues you should probably work out before getting married anyway if you don't trust that he will follow through and marry you. You know what I mean? I don't know, the fact that you're insecure and worried about it just sends up red flags for me. On the other hand, while I've not been in your shoes so I don't REALLY know what its like, I guess I can understand feeling insecure given your history and everything that happened with Zack. Do you feel like you have a legitimate reason to feel like he is backing out? Aside from the tuxedo thing? (which I admit does seem kind of suspicious on if its making actual plans or the phone # thing) I just feel like if you guys don't have a definite date set then that's kind of weird... like what are you waiting for? Also.. you said if Shane is second-guessing things you would just leave. I'd encouraged you to think about that some more because if you're willing to walk away that quickly then maybe you two shouldn't be getting married. I'm not in your situation so obviously I don't know how you feel and I'm not trying to imply anything, I'm just trying to throw stuff out there for you to think about and consider.

With all of that said -- its my understanding you can legally change your child's name or correct any spellings, etc. on the birth certificate for no charge up until their first birthday. So if you do put your last name on the birth certificate and then get married soon after her birth - you should be able to change it to his last name soon after. We had two people in our DDC who were looking into changing names (one last name and one first) and that was what was said... so its my understanding thats accurate information although obviously you'd want to make sure for yourself. The other thing you want to look into, and I can't remember myself because I was kind of a mess in the hospital... but if you aren't married... I think there's some weird stipulations or something on the baby's father on the birth certificate and the last name, etc. Like the father won't go on the certificate unless you have a paternity test if you're not married... or something. That sounds bizarre now that I think about it, maybe he just at least had to be there and agree to it or something. But look into it... because you might not be able to just put his last name unless you meet some kind of requirement and you'll want to know what that is beforehand if you aren't married.

Finally, I certainly don't think you're nuts. Sure, these feelings may have been egged on by hormones - but its all things you should be thinking about and discussing openly with Shane. If you're worried he's going to flake on you then you need to be talking about it. Even if he hasn't given you any reason to feel insecure or doubtful of him - talk about it. If nothing 'weird' is going on it'll only make you feel better... and if something 'weird' is going on then you need to know about it now.



Oh I also wanted to say that I don't think you should go to the JP to make things official before next year if its just because you're worried he may change his mind or so that you have the assurance that he won't be able to. I just don't see how that would make anything better. If he says he wants to marry you then you just need to trust that he means it and start planning a wedding together. If he keeps putting the brakes on that then you'll know something's up.

[Mod-LadyCoconut]

Ahh -- I just re-read everything I wrote and as far as the stuff about putting the dad's last name on stuff if you aren't married... I guess you'd already know about that since you went through it with Gem... so nevermind! haha

Given your history I would just talk to him about it. Remind him of your history with Zack and how he postponed your wedding and it was a red flag. Tell him how you don't want to get all preggo paranoid on him, and that is why you want to discuss this. Even be honest with him and tell him what you wrote here about the names and your concern. I mean you are engaged, you should be able to be completely honest without him flipping out or misreading you if you explain it all out, ya know? That is my best advice. I think it is very understandable you are having these feelings given prior experiences, but honesty is the best policy. I would say if he responds badly to you communicating all of what you said here with him, that would be a huge red flag. GL!

[Mod-LadyCoconut]

totally agree w/ everything Michelle posted!

[sara~b]

Thanks Shannon! There has been NO issues before now. It was just reading that post and thinking about how I felt in that situation with Gemma that made me start wondering. Shane hasn't given me any real indications that he's backing out of the wedding. I suggested 6-18-11 for our date next year and he agreed but then he got mad about the Tuxedo Junction thing and I stopped planning. I assumed it was because he's so private and didn't want their ads and calls for the next 18 months. Reading that lady's post just made me wonder if I'm assuming wrong, ya know?

And you CAN change your baby's BC for up to one year but what if we don't have the money to get married next year with a new baby? What if I lose my job because I can't do it pregnant and/or BF'ing? And he could be on her BC without us being married as long as he signs it acknowledging paternity. (Gemma's father didn't but for some reason they put down his last name anyway and I never corrected it.) Anyway, I just really want a commitment (with a firm DATE) before I give her his last name after what Zack put me through.

I really don't think anything weird is going on but looking back on what I've been through I feel like I NEED answers. If we're going to end up going to the JP next year why not just do it now? I have never wondered whether or not we were going to actually do it. I feel perfectly comfortable with Shane and I even posted after our first date that I knew he was the one. But now that another life would be affected if he changed his mind I feel the need to worry. I have another ulterior motive as well. His insurance is cheaper and better. So if we're married we can all go on his insurance and that way I don't have to worry about the kids and I not having insurance if I lose my job or something. Plus if my lawsuit with my old company settles in the near future I could be debt free and maybe be a SAHM for awhile. It would be good to have insurance that doesn't depend on my employment.

I ended up writing a letter to Shane explaining that I DO NOT think he is at all like my ex's (Gem's SD or Zack) but that I have been in the situation before and given the child the last name and regretted it. I explained that after a failed attempt at working with a baby's father to raise my DD together and a failed attempt at an engagement I need the security of either getting married before birth or him being an ACTIVE participant in planning our 'real' wedding from now until the big day. I guess it's a little bit of an ultimatum, "Marry me (or set a date) or your daughter doesn't get your last name", but I think if he loves me as much as I believe he does then he will be understanding and either talk me down or just say "Let's go to the JP" or "Let's stick with the June '11 date and start planning for REAL". If it blows up in my face then I know that I'm probably wrong (again) and I have my answer.

The only reason I would be willing to walk away no more questions asked is because I've been there, done that. I waited SIX months for Zack to come to his senses after he called off the wedding. I was his 'friend with benefits' and then just roommates and then just friends.... I watched him date other people, I dated other people... yet I still clung to my hopes. I missed several months of my daughter's life because I was waiting for him to 'come around'. I have to admit that I STILL have dreams about him, sometimes sexual, sometimes just about the good times we had together. He messed me up so bad that even though I'm over him on a totally logical level, I still have some weird attachment on a subconscious level. I CAN NOT and WILL NOT go through that again.

If Shane was confident enough that we can stand the test of time to propose (and I was confident enough to say yes) then there isn't much reason to wait. In fact I would say there's something kicking my ovary right now that says there's a lot of reasons not to wait just to wait. Shane's only reason for suggesting to wait until next summer was so I wouldn't be fat in my dress. I initially agreed but now that this pregnancy feels more real and I'm feeling the baby and know SHE has a name it just doesn't matter so much anymore.

Does that make sense?

[Frozendesire]

I really think you need to talk this ALL over with Shane, pregnancy hormones or not. He's your fiance, soon to be hubby. I think all these worries, stresses and concerns need to be discussed with him. I also don't recommend a letter, but that's just me. I would suggest face to face.

I just wanted to let you know I read this Sara. As always, the PP gave great advice. I hope you can talk to Shane, or give him the lettter soon!

[LisanAndy]

I'd definitely talk it over with Shane to make sure you're on the same page. Good luck and KUP!

[~*sierra*~]

defintely explaining things to him is a good idea....i'm not the greatest at relationship advice, but i do know any time i've told my dh that something he was doing was bothering me he listened and usually tried to fix it. our men surprise us all the time

[sara~b]

Thanks ladies. I did give him the letter when he got home this morning. The only reason I did the letter was so that my thoughts were clear and in order ya know?) Anyway, he came into the room and took the letter out and didn't come back for a long time. I was really starting to worry. Then he came back and we talked for a little bit. He said he wanted to wait because he thought I wanted a 'real' wedding. I admitted that I do but that I feel like thinking about what's best for us as a family is more important. I tried to really make him understand how much I hate having a different last name from my child and how awkward it was in the hospital after Gem’s delivery because of her SD and I not being married etc. I asked him how he would feel if baby girl (I keep almost typing her name! LOL) had my last name instead and he said he would hate it. So I asked why should I feel differently about that? I think that finally got through to him on where I’m coming from. I told him that if we’re committed and in this forever then the wedding doesn’t matter and it won’t be the thing that I look back on in 20 years and remember most. He asked about how much I wanted wedding photos (which I had let him know were a BIG deal to me) so I suggested we hire a photographer to do some pictures of me in my dress and him in a suit maybe before we go to the JP or after or something. I mean there’s no reason we can’t have beautiful photos without the big wedding right? Anyway, he did say that if I want to get married now then we will but I told him that I want to know HIS feelings (he’s very bad about sharing exactly what’s in his head). So we agreed to talk more when he wakes up this afternoon. I have a feeling we will probably have a ‘semi-real’ wedding this spring. I could see myself getting married in the park by a JP and wearing an after-sale prom dress my mom let out. I don’t think being ‘fat’ for my wedding will bug me. I guess we’ll see what happens in a few hours. *shrugs* At least I know we ARE getting married.

[♥Ashley♥]

Im glad you got your feelings through to him! And im glad he is willing to do a "small" wedding sooner rather than later! You can definitely still get great pictures too!! My wedding was the best day of my entire life, INDESCRIBABLE...

[Angelaosaurus-rex]

I agree with the other ladies! ((HUGS))

[CandaceDianne]

David and I went to the JP. Best $56 I ever spent! I had my dress for our 'real' wedding, but that ended up not working out (long story with my mother...ugh!). Anyway, his mother went (since it was a last minute decision for the JP) and she took some pictures. She took a lot of nice pics, not professional but I remember how I felt on that day evertime I look at them. We took our favorite picture and made an 8X10 for our parents and us and then smaller ones for my brother and SIL. I wore a sunday dress and he wore sunday attire. It was nothing fancy, but it was perfect.
When we were saying our vows, I even made a small joke (which I do when I get a little nervous). I said 'HOPEFULLY for richer, or for poorer'. I think we were the only ones who laughed, but I'll remember it forever.

[Chelnae6]

Honestly, I agree with going to the JP. Yeah it might not be everything extravagant that you really want, but you'll get what you really need. Peace of mind, security and your husband. And dont feel like its being rushed or anything because it isnt. You guys seem to have a sound and secure relationship. Its just that although you dont think its going to happen, you dont want to put yourself in a situation to go back down that ugly road again. Although he's not your ex, he should be and seems to be understanding of that.

Carry your butt to the JP and get you some "Peace" and get you a professional/semi-profession photographer to take some pics. Looking back, you might be glad that you didnt "go all out"

[Mars]

I've read mostly everything and I agree with what was said. I'm glad you talked to him about it and I hope that everything will work out the way both of you want it to.

[sara~b]

Thanks ladies! I'm feeling alot better! I think Chel hit it right on the nose! I'm very secure in our relationship 99% of the time but I keep waiting for the 'right' time for all the big steps (except for our unplanned bundle!). We jumped into moving into together and it turned out great. We jumped into an engagement but I'm not disappointed that my ring isn't bigger or it wasn't flashier. I think I will feel the same way about the wedding. I can't imagine working full time at one job, part time at another, running my etsy store, going to school full time, raising a five year old and having a newborn while planning a 'big' wedding. The only thing that is negotiable is the wedding so why not just jump right in and do 'simple but nice'? It doesn't mean I will never be insecure again but I will feel better knowing that Shane is the ONLY man who ever loved me enough to commit to forever with me. And I won't be worrying and comparing our relationship to my past ones because it won't be 'just a relationship' anymore. I think just calling him my husband will take a big worry off my shoulders.

[Alison81]

I'm glad you talked to him. I do think it'll be better to go to the JP and later have a nice, big wedding, or just have pictures done in wedding attire. I think you'll feel a lot better if when this new baby girl is born, you can refer to Shane as your DH. It also eliminates all the paternity papers you would have to have him sign. I feel like if you're engaged, you do plan on being married, so why not do it sooner?

[Resi]

I think you should sit down with him and talk about going to the JP. To me I know that would make me feel best. I would not be worried about the wedding. I would just want to know that this man wanted to marry me and start a family together. But that is just me. Either way it will let you know where his head is with getting married. I think you have a good reason to feel a little worried about the future because there is no for sure commitment. Again that is just how I would feel in your place. Hopefully he agrees to just go get hitched and in the future you can do something more if you want.

[Resi]

Should have read the responses before postings! I can't wait to hear what happens after your next talk. I see you getting married before baby girl comes!