[Resi]

I'm about ready to strangle my husband. He never does any of the parenting. Well.. he takes a bath with Oliver and plays with him and that is it! That equals about 1 or 2 hours per day if not less. We went out for lunch today and he gets mad at me if Oliver starts getting antsy. Every time we go out to eat he gets mad at me if I can't control Oliver or entertain Oliver. I told him today that he could have thought about bringing something along to entertain Oliver and he said it's my job since I don't work. I guess he thinks since I stay at home that it's 100% my job to do everything related to Oliver. AND I don't get a break. I can't do anything by myself. I tried to take a bath this morning and Damon comes in the bathroom with Oliver so that Oliver wants to stay around me. I really don't mind being with Oliver all of the time but it's so unfair that Damon gets to live his life unchanged and do what ever he feels like without thinking about me. Yesterday he got together with a couple fish tank hobby friends and was gone most of the day. He told me that we could do something fun today or I could go by myself to do something. Today after we went to lunch and the grocery store he came back and went in the computer room and shut the door. After about a hour in there I told him to come out and spend time with us and he yelled that he is busy. In put Oliver in the room with him and locked myself in the bedroom. I'm only venting here. Talking to him gets me no where. He doesn't know how to communicate with me or I should say he chooses not to.

I bet I have the only husband on here like this. Everyone else seems to have great husbands that are involved. I'll most likely regret posting this because I don't like complaining about my marriage on here.

[alicenwonderland]

*Hugs* i'm sorry Resi! That must be so frustrating. I guess you really need to get him to listen to you. Throw a tantrum and tell him that you can't take it anymore, and that you need a break! You can't continue on like this and stay sane. Haha! Go on a weekend getaway or something to see family and leave Oliver with him. See how he fares on his own!

[Oriyan]

*looks at clock* It's 4:11pm on Sunday.

J.J is in the living room "making noise" IE: Being destructive. and whining because he does not feel well, won't eat and won't take a bottle.

DH is... good question. He was just supposed to go to a friends and help move his computer to the other room. That was at 11:30.

I have 2 papers due Thursday and a presentation to give Thursday as well.



And yet I want another with him.


I know I'm nuts.

Sometimes with men, you just need to tell them a few days in advanced, "On XYZ day at A time, I am going out without the baby. You need to watch him"

Ohh i should go.. sounds like J.J is discovering the DVD player......

[sara~b]

Shane isn't super involved either. I know Gemma isn't his and he works nights so I try to cut him some slack but when he gets mad because she wants his attention I just have to snap sometimes. Luckily he seems to be getting better and I'm going to try talking more to him while Gem is gone for the next couple days.

[Mod-LadyCoconut]

I think men just like to play with them and leave the nurturing up to us. Ben is super helpful but he hasn't quite figured out that everything isn't always on HIS time schedule, and I don't want to nag him about it. Like I'll ask him to change her diaper, and he WILL, it's just he wants to wait 5 minutes until he's ready to do it... and I don't want her sitting in a poopy diaper so I'll do it myself. We're going out tonight (my second time out without her!) and so I told him while I got ready he was in charge... she wasn't hungry, and she had just been changed, and it was up to him. Well, he just got a bunch of new camera gear off CL today so he kept telling me "okay gimmie just a minute" and finally I was like okay I'm going to take a shower. I came out and he had just incorporated her into his activity by blinding her with flashes But hey, it worked.

Here's how I view the SAHM thing, and while DH & I haven't talked about it, I imagine I'll say it out loud to him at some point in the future just for good measure.

When he is at work for 40+ hours a week, those hours I am "working" to raise our daughter alone. When he is not on the clock, we share the responsibility of raising her. Neither one of us 'should' be the 'default' parent -- meaning on weekends or free time he should jump up just as quickly as I do if she's fussing. Granted, I don't think that's totally realistic b/c I'm just better @ calming her and the only one who feeds her... but you get the point.

And like Sam said, with men sometimes you just have to tell them "You are totally in charge of the baby while I do XYZ" and give them advance notice if possible. Sometimes if they don't wanna step up to the plate ya gotta nudge 'em. haha.

Seriously, I think Ben is a great dad and I don't really have much to complain about, but he's not perfect and you aren't the only one who wishes their SO would help out more sometimes!

[Frozendesire]

I'm on my phone since my computer broke but resi you are not the only one who does everything and I mean everything. I don't want to get into details. Maybe I'll pm you after the weekend.

[alicenwonderland]

I gotta say i'm nervous about the future. DH has been making a lot of comments. "I can't wait until you are only working part time, and you are doing all of the housework, and dinner is always on the table!" I told him that wasn't realistic and he shot back with "Well, i'm going to be working FULL time. The least you could do is keep house." Uh.. hello! I'm going to be watching the baby and working. I know SAHMS that can't get everything done, what makes him think i can?

[Mars]

Though my DH does help out I sometimes find myself in a similar position to you. I told him recently that because I do a lot and don't complain (primarily because I enjoy it), he doesn't understand how much work is involved with getting this done and watching Amara together. He can decide when he wants to be involved but for me, that's not an option. For example he can get up a morning and go watch a movie, play a video game, be on his computer until he feels like getting up or go out for a game of tennis. Me, I have to get up, fix Amara a bottle, then bath her, then bath myself and do whatever needs to be done (on weekdays, getting ready for work but he makes breakfast which is great; on weekends, cleaning, washing, etc). And it's the same in the evening on workdays and all through the weekend.

(((HUGS)))

[Resi]

Originally Posted by alicenwonderland

I gotta say i'm nervous about the future. DH has been making a lot of comments. "I can't wait until you are only working part time, and you are doing all of the housework, and dinner is always on the table!" I told him that wasn't realistic and he shot back with "Well, i'm going to be working FULL time. The least you could do is keep house." Uh.. hello! I'm going to be watching the baby and working. I know SAHMS that can't get everything done, what makes him think i can?

ha ha... your husband will find out it's not that easy to keep the house cleaned, have good on the table, and take care of a child. Plus if your going to be working part time still it will be harder to keep up. My house is almost never 100% cleaned, laundry is always being done, and some nights I just don't care what we have for dinner. I use to think I could do it all if I could stay home but I'm not that motivated or willing. It's a lot to take care of.

[alicenwonderland]

yeah wouldn't it be great pulling equal weight around the house?

[Resi]

Originally Posted by Mars

Though my DH does help out I sometimes find myself in a similar position to you. I told him recently that because I do a lot and don't complain (primarily because I enjoy it), he doesn't understand how much work is involved with getting this done and watching Amara together. He can decide when he wants to be involved but for me, that's not an option. For example he can get up a morning and go watch a movie, play a video game, be on his computer until he feels like getting up or go out for a game of tennis. Me, I have to get up, fix Amara a bottle, then bath her, then bath myself and do whatever needs to be done (on weekdays, getting ready for work but he makes breakfast which is great; on weekends, cleaning, washing, etc). And it's the same in the evening on workdays and all through the weekend.

(((HUGS)))

Yep.. that is about how it is here too. I guess I set it up this way because I do enjoy doing everything with Oliver and feel I do it best. But it would be nice if he told me to take a break and do something for myself for a couple hours on a weekend once in awhile.

Originally Posted by Frozendesire

I'm on my phone since my computer broke but resi you are not the only one who does everything and I mean everything. I don't want to get into details. Maybe I'll pm you after the weekend.

It's good to know I'm not alone in this.

Originally Posted by LadyCoconut

I think men just like to play with them and leave the nurturing up to us. Ben is super helpful but he hasn't quite figured out that everything isn't always on HIS time schedule, and I don't want to nag him about it. Like I'll ask him to change her diaper, and he WILL, it's just he wants to wait 5 minutes until he's ready to do it... and I don't want her sitting in a poopy diaper so I'll do it myself. We're going out tonight (my second time out without her!) and so I told him while I got ready he was in charge... she wasn't hungry, and she had just been changed, and it was up to him. Well, he just got a bunch of new camera gear off CL today so he kept telling me "okay gimmie just a minute" and finally I was like okay I'm going to take a shower. I came out and he had just incorporated her into his activity by blinding her with flashes But hey, it worked.

Here's how I view the SAHM thing, and while DH & I haven't talked about it, I imagine I'll say it out loud to him at some point in the future just for good measure.

When he is at work for 40+ hours a week, those hours I am "working" to raise our daughter alone. When he is not on the clock, we share the responsibility of raising her. Neither one of us 'should' be the 'default' parent -- meaning on weekends or free time he should jump up just as quickly as I do if she's fussing. Granted, I don't think that's totally realistic b/c I'm just better @ calming her and the only one who feeds her... but you get the point.

And like Sam said, with men sometimes you just have to tell them "You are totally in charge of the baby while I do XYZ" and give them advance notice if possible. Sometimes if they don't wanna step up to the plate ya gotta nudge 'em. haha.

Seriously, I think Ben is a great dad and I don't really have much to complain about, but he's not perfect and you aren't the only one who wishes their SO would help out more sometimes!

I know when Oliver was Lily's age I prefered to do it myself because I could comfort him, nurse him, and change him best.

It's good that Ben is willing to help out when you ask him for it. I remember you saying he did all the diaper changes when you first got home from the hospital. I thought that was so great because Damon never did that.

[Resi]

Originally Posted by alicenwonderland

yeah wouldn't it be great pulling equal weight around the house?

One of the good things about Damon is that he does help out when it comes to cleaning on the weekends. He has always been good about that. It's just to bad the house never stays clean for more than a day or two.

[A*LOT*OF*HOPE]

I know I don't have an kids yet, but today DH told me that if I want to be a SAHM, I should take some online classes, becasue I will just be "sitting around all day". Wow...men!!!

Sorry you re going through this Resi!!

[Resi]

Originally Posted by A*LOT*OF*HOPE

I know I don't have an kids yet, but today DH told me that if I want to be a SAHM, I should take some online classes, becasue I will just be "sitting around all day". Wow...men!!!

Sorry you re going through this Resi!!

Ha ha! Tell him you'll have to take the classes after he gets home from work to entertain the little one. Babies and toddlers love trying to play with the keyboard. It's really hard to get on with them around it.

[Oriyan]

Part of the reason I quit the animal hospital (other then getting another job, and the horribleness that went on their) was because I was getting VERY run down. Between my new job and the hospital, I was pulling 44 hour weeks, and still had 3 graduate classes to take (driving and class time = 10 hours per week) So that's a 54 hour work week for me, plus, 100% cleaning the house, doing laundry, taking care of the animals, etc. I mean, I could have REALLY used the money. I was able to bank 1000 into savings in like 3 months time (which I am now using so I can afford to live through July when my boss at the new job will need me a 3rd day). Now that I am only working 16 hours a week, and have school 10 hours a week, i can finally keep up around here and take care of J.J and not feel so frazzled all the time.

When I was doing my 54 hour weeks and cleaning and putting the baby to bed, and everything under the sun, I would get flack about asking DH to do a simple task like clean his desk up. ("I am too tired")

:-o

I feel for you ladies, I do.

[~* Helen *~]

Mine isn't to bad I admit ... yes I am the sole carer of both kids ... ie I get up to them in the mornings .. sort Ryan for school. Give them both brekkie etc .. I do the washing cooking and cleanning .. on some occasions he will cook if I am otherwise occupied with Chloe bathing her for bed or whatever ... the last time he changed her nappy was ummmmmmmm .....
Hes never fed her ... bottles he has done when she was weeny but food ummm never.
I don't mind to a great extent tho as I prefer to do it my way and know its done correctly

But yeah he doesn't do much when it comes to the kids ... well he does with Ryan like his reading of school book and he does bath and get Ryan to bed while I'm seeing to Chloe so he does pull his weight a lil bit .. but theres room for improvement

This comes across like I'm really putting him down, but i'm not ... just saying he could do more if he wanted to lol

[~*sierra*~]

*hugs* resi

i do all the cooking/cleaning around the house, and i 'mjust a SAHW (and student), but its never all done! i get flack allllllll the time but i'm just not an uber organized person and i try not to take it too seriously. speaking of cleaning i should probably do some more since i went shopping this aft....

[bittersweet]

I think one of the reasons men prefer not to be involved in child care is they don't feel comfortable with it. They feel like they can't calm, comfort, or thort difficult behavior quite like Mom can. Which in most cases, is true. But instead of saying they feel this way, they come up with lame things to do and excuses why they can't watch the baby.

Only thing to help with this is practice. The more your DH is 100% in charge of Oliver, they more comfortable he will get in his care taking abilities. I really think he just needs to 'find his way' with Oliver. You know, figure out his own methods when you aren't around.

When you know his is free like on the weekends, just say you need to go run errands and leave. Maybe start with short time intervals then increase them. He is a parent too and has to get used to taking care of his son.

[ANGWife]

Oh it's totally my job to pack the diaper bag and bring entertainment if we're out and about.

DH complains sometimes. Like on the weekends I'll be feeding Henry his lunch and I'll call him into the kitchen to help clean him off. Or ask him to feed him because I have something else I need to clean or fix. And he makes a comment or groan like "well you do this everyday without me, why do you need my help NOW?" I just tell him "you're here so I'm using you."

I would have been very angry if my bath was disturbed like that.

[.Brandi.]

All I have to say is this..."Yes, you work full time, but I work 100 % of the time!" I hate it when men do this!!!! One day, Edward was having a bad day, we didn't have a washing machine so I had to hand wash all our clothes in the bathtub and hang them on hanger in the bathroom to dry. And when Chris came home that night, he yelled at me for not having dinner done and all the "laundry" done.....