[sara~b]

DH and I met with the doula tonight. I really, REALLY like her and Shane doesn't seem to have an issue with the thought of me hiring her. BUT she turned me on to the fact that there is a birth center in Pittsburgh ( )!!! So now I started doing research into getting insurance to cover the birth center, how far of a drive it could be at rush hour, etc. Then Shane decides to tell me he would be 'more comfortable' in a hospital with a doctor nearby 'just in case'. So I said,"In case of what?" His response was, "I don't know." I got him to watch the Business of Being Born, I have talked to him over and over and over again about not wanting ANY interventions, etc. However, he won't do any research on his own! And now he wants to challenge my dream birth! I'm tempted to tell him that if he can find statistics showing that a birth center has a higher percentage of complications/deaths then he can have it his way but until then he can shut it! I'm really irked that he wants to suddenly have input on where and with who I give birth when two hours ago I couldn't even get him to talk to the doula! His only questions to her were how old her kids were and why she's not married! GRRRRRRR!!!!!

[szczepanski]

I defaulted to my husbands insecurities of a home birth and went with a hospital birth...... and still had the birth of my dreams. Now that he has seen it in action I wont even have to push it for our next baby.

We came to a compromise because Nolan is his baby too and although it is my body, I felt like he had 50% say in how he came into this world.

[~*sierra*~]

i agree with making him give you a real reason besides 'i don't know'. you are the one who has to birth the baby so really i think the final say is yours.

you're a nice wife to compromise heather!

[A*LOT*OF*HOPE]

I would love to have our baby in a birthing center with a midwife, but it is just not something Kyle is comfortable with. Instead we willl have our baby in a hospital, with DR's and a doula.

Like Heather posted, it's his baby to, he does have some say. He's just worried about you guys and thats sweet!!! At the end of the day, as long as your baby is born healthy, does it really matter where??

[.Brandi.]

I agree with making him tell you a better reason why! I don't know is just not an answer! I know that it's his baby too, like the others said, but my whole thing on giving birth is I BELIEVE it's more important for the mother to comfortable because an uncomfortable situation can make for a bad birth. Maybe I'm not giving the man enough credit or I'm just lucky because any choice I've made where my kids are concerned, Chris has been on board. Chris has even told me, "I don't care how we get the baby, just as long as you're happy with the outcome and how it happened." I wanted a VBAC with Preston and he supported it. I want a VBA2C with this baby, with a midwife and a water birth. He supports it and is helping me do everything I can to make this happen. Now....I understand his fears of you having a baby in a birthing center. After having two emergency c-sections, I wouldn't want to give birth in a birthing center. Nothing against a birth center, but I know that a c-section is still possible and could very well happen in the event of an emergency for me, and I don't know that a birthing center could accomedate that...but I've had two births with complications....I guess, my thing would be to try and get him to give you a more straight forward answer than "I don't know" and if he does and it's valid (not to say that it wouldn't be valid but there could be a reason that can be easily remedied) and he's still not comfortable with the birthing center, I would compromise and have a hospital birth. Just my opinion!

[*krista*]

I really think this is a compromise issue and you should both be comfortable with where baby is born. Although there is nothing wrong with getting him to do the research to compromise with you instead of the other way around!

[Frozendesire]

I wouldnt be able to "force" my husband into a situation where he thought (whether justified or not) me or our baby was or could be in harm. James has and always will have 50% say on our children, he also has some say over my body as well. We are a team in marriage and parenting. We respect each others concerns and do the best we can to come to a compromise.

I do have to admit that I don't see anythindeg wrong with a hospital birth and I wouldn't push a home birth or a birthing center birth on James if he wasn't comfortable. The outcome is what matters the most, a healthy me and baby. I've had two very successful, limited intervention, births. I was comfortable and loved my care.

I would look at all your options; doctor, hospital and doula or birthing center with mid wifes. If he is more comfortable with one andr very uncomfy and unwilling to go with the other then I would take that into consideration.

[Mars]

Why I see your side of it, I can understand his insecurity. I think both of you have to be comfortable with what you choose. A lot of men, though some may deny it, are very scared and unsure of how they will react to the birth of their first child. This could be why he thinks he'll feel more comfortable there and not at home. I would suggest not writing off his view immediately but try to gently coax him to see where you're coming from. Maybe both of you can reach common ground.

[IamMom]

Originally Posted by Frozendesire

I wouldnt be able to "force" my husband into a situation where he thought (whether justified or not) me or our baby was or could be in harm. James has and always will have 50% say on our children, he also has some say over my body as well. We are a team in marriage and parenting. We respect each others concerns and do the best we can to come to a compromise.

Ditto to this...well put Steph....I do believe a woman needs to be comfortable with her birthing situation...but I think Dad has to be comfortable too...and just as mothers we sometimes don't have good reasons for what we due other than its just what we want...."our dream"...daddy's have a right to feel that way too. I really hope you guys can come to an agreement that makes both of you happy! (And I hope your birth experience this time around is as close to your dream birth as possible !!!!!)

[sara~b]

Thanks ladies. I pointed out to Shane that I've been doing research on pregnancy/birth and infant care since Gem was a little baby. I compared it to the ultramarathon that I did last summer where I really wanted to quit at the last checkpoint and he was like, "Yea, you did your best. There's no reason to keep going." But then another group was like, "No you can still do this. There's only 7 or 8 more miles to go and you'll never forgive yourself if you don't finish." And what happened? I got up, dusted myself off and finished.

I told Shane that when labor comes I am going to hit transition and I might think I really want to give in to drugs or I might start saying that I can't do it. And at that point he might just be impatient and anxious and willing to go along with whatever he thinks I want at the moment. I talked about how the doula is not medical personnel, she is simply my support team, my cheerleader so that I don't give in and put him in a position where he feels like he either has to let me give in or fight me during a time when he can see I'm in pain. I explained that midwives at the birth center (or at the hospital) are certified nurses who have extra training in labor and delivery and they know how to stop hemhorraging or help a stuck baby turn, etc. I pointed out that the closest hospital to the birth center is 7 minutes away so there is little to fear from any complications that may arise.

I also pointed out that doctors are trained to treat people who are sick or dying while I am neither. I asked him how he would feel if the next time he had to take a big dump someone asked him to do it flat on his back with his legs in the air and a bright light on his crotch. He thought about it a minute and was like, "Yea, I couldn't do that." So then I said, "But don't forget, they are going to want to stick an IV in your arm and give you drugs so that it doesn't hurt to push that big, stuck poop out." His face really got funny then. Finally I said, "Just because everyone does something a certain way doesn't make it right." He agreed with that whole heartedly.

So I finally left it at 'Parenting starts now. That's why I don't drink or smoke or do drugs or eat sushi or hot dogs or ride roller coasters while pregnant. I have to make the best decisions I can to make sure my girls grow up healthy and happy. I'm not opposed to medical intervention if it's necessary but I don't want it if we don't NEED it. So please do some research and come back to me with some knowledge of what it means to give birth and raise a baby. Just don't say no because something is new to you.' He seemed okay with that.

So I guess I will just cross my fingers that he is open to the birthing center because I am calling them to make an appointment to take a tour tomorrow. I think the fact that he knows that I'm not opposed to going to the hospital if something isn't right or going straight to the hospital if there's reason will help him get over his fears. I just don't want someone having 50% say over my body and our baby if their opinion is based in nothing more than fear, no matter whether I'm married to that person or not. I wouldn't let a doctor whose residency was only 50% complete make medical decisions for me so I don't see why it's any different for my DH. He will either take the lead and educate himself and then we will make choices together or he will let me do the research and make the decisions I see fit.

[Kiwi]

I guess I can't really comment on this, as I haven't been in this situation... but I gotta say how strange it is having people comment about not being happy with the idea of a birthing centre with a midwife...

I guess it's just a cultural difference, but in New Zealand, you are encouraged to give birth either at home or in a birthing centre with a midwife. You only go to hospital if something is wrong.

When I was pregnant, my midwife was so happy I wanted to give birth at home, and DF was so happy I didn't want to go to a hospital (he hates them)!

Obviously everyone has their own opinion on things and everyone has to go with their gut insincts... But all these different views are very interesting!!

[**jessie**]

I have to agree with Steph. That's how we work it in our household too. The parenting decisions are 50/50 and if we ever disagree we try our best to meet in the middle.

Like Heather said, you can still have your dream birth in a hospital. Maybe that could be the compromise... having a hospital birth with a doula and no interventions? I think with many men, if you never take their concerns seriously (whether warranted or not), then they just stop trying anymore, which is a whole lot worse imo.

[LisanAndy]

I agree with eberything Steph said. Sometimes you have to make compromises to make things work. I know how much you want this but I'm proof you can have a natural hospital birth with a midwife. Sounds like he's agreed to the doula so that's positive progress and it 'seems' like he's trying to meet you in the middle

[sara~b]

Originally Posted by **jessie**

I have to agree with Steph. That's how we work it in our household too. The parenting decisions are 50/50 and if we ever disagree we try our best to meet in the middle.

Like Heather said, you can still have your dream birth in a hospital. Maybe that could be the compromise... having a hospital birth with a doula and no interventions? I think with many men, if you never take their concerns seriously (whether warranted or not), then they just stop trying anymore, which is a whole lot worse imo.

My issue is with the refusal to educate himself AT ALL. He keeps depending on me to have all the answers but when it's something that isn't 'normal' to him then he freaks out. Honestly, there is very little chance of me having a NCB at the hospital. I had 2 doulas turn me down as clients because of the hospital I would have to deliver at. They basically said that unless I switched hospitals there really wasn't much they would be able to do. Now that I know there's a birth center I really want to at least look into it and take a tour. That isn't too much to ask IMHO.

What it comes down to is that some people have their own ideas of what works whether they are true or not. I wouldn't let DH or MIL or anyone tell me to smoke pot to lessen morning sickness or give baby robotussin to put her to sleep or whatever. If Shane really wants me to give birth in the hospital then I probably will but he has 3.5 more months to do some research and come up with a better answer than 'I don't know'. Not to mention he now has our doula's card with phone # so he can call and ask questions just as well as I can. I'm sure he'll come over to my side once he does some research. I'm just irritated that I have to practically beg him to want to learn more about pregnancy and parenting.

It just seems like pregnancy is this mystical, far away thing to him and he doesn't feel like he has anything to do with it. He told me my belly button looks gross now, he keeps calling me 'Ricki' because I made him watch the Business of Being Born, he keeps talking about how he 'doesn't want to see that' every time I try to get him to watch a video about birth where either bb's or vajayjay is shown and he has even pulled his hand off my stomach when the baby kicks because 'it feels weird, like an alien or somthing'. He even made comments last night on how he couldn't believe I still had a belly pooch when Gem was 3 or 4 weeks old. I feel like I'm the only one compromising by not killing him for all the stupid comments and slowly breaking down my already failing self-confidence.

meh... I guess none of this really matters. He will either come around or he won't. I will get my body back and I will get a NCB. I just keep hoping for support from somewhere besides the person I have to pay to tell me I can do it. Seems like too much to ask I guess...

[**Jenn**]

I think your talk with him (in your second post) was actually the way I would have gone if Ian opposed my desires for the birth of our child as well. You are the one with all the research behind your choices so if Shane wants equal say then he should do just as much research to back his choices and then you can reach a compromise together, both being educated.

And personally I think the birth center IS the compromise. It's not a hospital but its not home either, its a middle ground. And while yes you can have a great birth at a hospital your chances are better outside of one. I had a wonderful hospital birth but even thoug everything went really well it doesn't compare to the experiences I had with my two birth center births. And next time I will birth at home no matter what.

I am fortunate that my DH knows that I do a ton of research and have been doing a ton since before we got pregnant with Liam so he knows I don't reach my decisions blindly. And he trusts me that I would not knowingly put myself or our child in any kind of danger. If I thought for a minute that there could be a complication you better believe I'd be the first one suggesting the hospital. The hospital sounds likes its very close to the birth center if a complication should arise and midwives are specifically trained to detect a problem before it becomes a problem. I hemorrhaged after I had Lochlann and he was born at a birth center and it was fine. My midwife did everything she in her power could do to stop the bleeding but if they're last effort didn't work I was going to be transferred to the hospital.

I hope things work out for you and that you're able to reach a decision you are both comfortable and happy with.

[sara~b]

Thank you Jenn! i was really starting to feel like I must be a horrible wife and mother for not giving DH 50% say over everything. But honestly, he's still learning to be a parent to a five year old. He's never dealt with pregnancy, birth and infancy/toddlerhood. I've BTDT plus my body is the one that has to grow, stretch, change and then push out a baby that is expected to be 9+ pounds. So I guess I feel like this is something that is more MY domain. I don't bug him about how he does our home improvements or yard work or tell him what oil to put in our trucks. Those are things he understands better than I do but if I wanted a say I would do research and have a reason why brand x is better than brand y, etc. So I don't get why he should have more say over my body than my check book just because we're growing a baby when he knows even less about it!

[Frozendesire]

Althought I do agree with the birth center being a good compromise and that he should do more research before rejecting an idea.... I do not think your reasons in your last post are valid at all and extremely hurtful to first time parents. I also couldn't understand thinking that just because it's me going through it I would have more say then my husband. It's not like he CHOSE for it to be me.... I don't know.... it just all seems awkward to me and definately not how I would choose to decide how to "run" my marriage or parenting hood. But I know alot of ladies think that way "my body, my oppinion". I just can't fathom doing that to James.

But anyways, I will stop there. I hope you get the birth you want and that everything goes well.

[szczepanski]

Originally Posted by sara~b

Thank you Jenn! i was really starting to feel like I must be a horrible wife and mother for not giving DH 50% say over everything. But honestly, he's still learning to be a parent to a five year old. He's never dealt with pregnancy, birth and infancy/toddlerhood. I've BTDT plus my body is the one that has to grow, stretch, change and then push out a baby that is expected to be 9+ pounds. So I guess I feel like this is something that is more MY domain. I don't bug him about how he does our home improvements or yard work or tell him what oil to put in our trucks. Those are things he understands better than I do but if I wanted a say I would do research and have a reason why brand x is better than brand y, etc. So I don't get why he should have more say over my body than my check book just because we're growing a baby when he knows even less about it!

Well now you are just being a little dramatic. No one said you were a horrible wife or mother - you asked for opinions and the majority of the opinion was a marriage is 50/50 partnership and so is parenting.

DH and I discussed, learned, researched and talked A LOT about his insecurities with a home birth and in the end he was still unsure about it. To me, his ability to support me in my labor was MORE important than getting what I want. And had I put my foot down and attempted a home birth, who knows if he would have been able to support me like he did in my labor. Matt was a HUGE part of why I was able to get my NCB because he was able to feel comfortable in his surroundings enough to just focus on helping me through my contractions. I know being at home or at a birthing center with a midwife might be more comfortable for you, but if it isn't for him...how can you expect him to be one of your big support systems when he is uncomfortable?

You are also kind of contradicting yourself here - either you want him to educate himself more on "your domain" or you want him to just default to your knowledge and get over it. He is a first time parent, first time father, first time witness to a live birth. He is going to have his own insecurities and worries, probably the exact same ones YOU had the first time you were pregnant and planning your birth. I'm a big fan of "you catch more flies with honey"....so IMO if you really want to get him to see your side of it clearer you could just be patient in your explanations and not just expect him to "get it" right away.

I'm not trying to be mean at all...just trying to help you out some.

[Frozendesire]

[A*LOT*OF*HOPE]

I ditto what Steph and Heather said.

I want DH to be my biggest supporter during childbirth. He would not be able to do that, if he was uncomfortable, plain and simple.

I think you need to give Shane more credit, he is a first time dad, just like you were a first time mom, just like any first time mom. You have doubts, you are afraid of the unknown, you don't know what to expect, and he feels the same way. Im not going to sit here and tell you what you need to do though, thats up to you, just consider your husband, your partners in this and it's his baby to.