I think

Mjp121212 · #1 July 14th, 2010, 10:10 PM

There should be divorce therapy for divorced couples. I think it should be mandatory...similar to marriage counseling...but for divorced couples.

Mars · #2 July 15th, 2010, 05:32 AM

I thought they had these but if they don't they definitely should.

*kyle* · #3 July 15th, 2010, 05:35 AM

SOOOOO agreed Missy! We've actually continued to see our old therapist about once every 4-6 weeks to help work out some of the anger and pain and not let it interfere with the legal process. It takes an incredible amount of grace to get divorced IMO. You really have to let bygones be bygones, find whatever bits of respect you had left for each other and in some sense trust this person again. I haven't quite gotten there yet myself and I try hard every day to make a little progress.

Mjp121212 · #4 July 15th, 2010, 08:22 AM

It's just that he continues to blame me for every little thing. And should he have a bad day I get the blame for that and he takes out on me. I get the blame for his failed relationships. he accuses me of talking to them and telling them stuff when I don't even know them. honest, it's insane. And i got through it every night! He tells me every night how horrible he thinks I am, how ugly he thinks I am, etc. If I'm not online for him to send it to me, then he sends it as offline messages that bombard my computer when I sign on. Every night, literally EVER night he tells me that I ripped apart a family. Um what family? and he says he would have been willing to work on things for Brayden. That if it wasn't for Brayden he would be hurt. he never even watched B long enough for me to go to the grocery store when we were together! Honest, I had to get a babysitter to watch him for me to go to school at times his dad was home because his dad refused to watch him! why should I have allowed that to make me want to stay? Anyway, I'll hush about that. The point is he needs therapy to work out his issues and I need it to find a way to get through to him to make him leave me alone

sara~b · #5 July 15th, 2010, 09:20 AM

Keep track of every message and dates/times/etc. Print them out, screen-shot them, whatever! What he's doing is harassment and it does sound like a mental problem. You can't make him get therapy but you can get a PFA to make him stop the harassing messages!

*kyle* · #6 July 15th, 2010, 12:53 PM

My ex and I have both said things you should never say to another human being, and it's all because of the pain, stress and fear of divorce. You hang a lot of needs and hopes on this person and then they're not there for you, for whatever reasons that led to divorce. You have to let go of all of the visions of the future you wanted to have and the ideal vision you had of who that spouse could have been "if only" they didn't turn out to be so flawed. In your ex's case it seems like he has re-written history as he's gone along. He's now saying things could have worked out. That's just a way for him to hang the blame on you and absolve himself of any guilt for what happened. I think every ex-spouse does some of that to be honest. I feel more negative about what kind of husband Eric was now than when he was my husband. I've retained all of the negative memories and set aside the positive ones. You kind of have to do these tricks because the cognitive dissonance is so uncomfortable. ie. if this person wasn't the devil incarnate, if they actually have some good points, then why aren't we still together and in love like we were in the beginning. Nobody likes to feel the weight of blame for something like a "ripped apart family" so they project it on each other. I'm sure you can think of times you've done this yourself, I know I have. It's super hard to be honest with yourself about the ways you give into this thinking, when the other person seems to have no self-awareness and is just demonizing you. It is hard not to demonize them right back. I really hope you can find a way to ignore this until it passes (and it probably will, if he doesn't get a response from you that satisfies his need to interact with you, vent his feelings at you, prove how right he is or whatever he thinks it'll accomplish). If you want to PM me about it I will definitely be there to listen (and commiserate) because I definitely know what you're going through.

.Brandi. · #7 July 15th, 2010, 01:01 PM

See, I'm at a point where I feel like neither will help us! Just simply walking away from each other and pretending we had nothing together almost feels easiest.

I'm probably alone on this!

Babybear4 · #8 July 15th, 2010, 01:45 PM

Have you asked him if he would be willing to go to some type of counseling to work on his feelings? Maybe you guys could go together and just get out the last of the things you need to get out. It sounds to me like it just isn't over to him, and there needs to be a way to make it final for him, KWIM?

I am sorry he is putting you through that, it is unfair to you. I definitely second keeping everything he sends you, you don't need to be harrassed like that!