[ShannonMVT]

I need some opinions...

Yesterday my SIL (brother's wife) lost her 19 year old sister in a car wreck. We kind of speculate that she fell asleep b/c of the time of the accident and the way the car rolled, then hit a tree. I am so incredibly sad for their family.

I guess my first question is I am debating driving (4 hours) to go to the funeral. I'd also have to get my MIL to change her plans (she said she would) to watch Matthew. My mom thinks that SIL is going to have a TON of family in for the funeral (true) and that if I am going to support SIL, I will probably only be seeing her for a few minutes. She thinks SIL will need my support more later when all the visitors have left and the funeral is over...in the coming weeks/months ahead. I see her point, I just wonder if it's a cop out? I want to be there, it's just a big pain to travel with Matthew, especially to drive down there, then turn around and come back the next day.

Second question. I got a memorial keychain for the first baby I lost awhile back. I really liked having it (I lost it so need to order another) because it wasn't jewelry I had to put on every day but I could look down and see it, kwim? So I was thinking of ordering one for my SIL and also for her mom and giving it to them at some point. (Maybe on what would have been the girl's next bday). It would have her initials, a heart and birthstone on it. So I was all thinking this was a good idea and then suddenly I thought: a keychain? Is that is bad taste since she died in a car wreck? I don't know if they or others would look at it that way?

[**Jenn**]

I think I would still go to the funeral. I know how much of a pain it is to travel with a little one but I think it would mean a lot to your sil and your brother that you came. Just my 2c though.

I didn't even think of the keychain being in poor taste because of the circumstances but it might be hard for them, I don't know. I got my sister a charm from Things Remembered when she lost her baby--it has a pair of baby feet on the front and I had engraved "Forever loved, Forever missed" on the back. I figured with a charm she could put it anywhere--necklace, bracelet, keyring, etc. Maybe something like that? Or a jewelry box or something. I'd check out Things Remembered, they have lots of that kind of stuff. And I think giving it on her birthday will be a nice time.

Thoughts and prayers to your sil and her family. Thats so tragic.

[Frozendesire]

I would still go to the funeral. I'm sure she'll love see you there even if for a few seconds. I'm sure it would mean alot to her to be surrounded by people that love her and support her.

I would get her something similar but not a keychain. I think that could be a little shocking if they do put two and two together.

[Angelaosaurus-rex]

I agree with the other ladies!

I'm so sorry Shannon this is just horrible. My t&p's are with your SIL and her family! ((hugs))

[ANGWife]

Sorry to hear about that awful accident I would feel alittle weird giving a keychain as well. If you feel it *may* be inappropriate then I guess it probably is.

As for the funeral, I think I'd send a card explaining exactly what you've said here. That you'd like to visit after the funeral and be there for her once alot of people are preoccupied.

[*kyle*]

I am so sorry for the loss. It sounds tragic in every way and breaks my heart just thinking of their pain.

I would probably go to the funeral myself. But then again, I drive long distances regularly and 4 hours doesn't faze me much. But I also understand your point about your SIL needing support more after the funeral. If you decide not to go, then sending a card explaining your absence and then coming up within the next week would be appropriate I believe. Bring food and be prepared to give support for the second stage of grief, which might include less crying but more wistful memories, anticipation of holidays and other future stuff without her, etc. Maybe some anger given the circumstance (why didn't she just pull over to nap... etc). Maybe some preoccupation with the site of the death or the gravesite. It is all normal for that period of grief and should be supported without question.

I like the idea of a charm or a necklace with the initials and birthstone. I would shy away from the keychain idea only on the off chance that they think it's a reference to driving, which would indeed be in poor taste. I know that's not how you intend it but you don't want to risk that coming across.

[Mod-LadyCoconut]

I agree with the other ladies. I think she would appreciate your visit more if you can be there to support her after the funeral -- but she might not have time off to be with you, so maybe suggest it and if that won't work for her then just go show your support during the funeral.

I like the idea of a charm or something but not a keychain.

What a tragic situation... so sad.

[Babybear4]

I think I would try to go to the funeral, but I also understand that she may need you more after the funeral. I know for my family, when my grandma passed away, everything was so rush rush and overwhelming trying to get everything prepared, and after it was all over there was just sort of an emptiness for everybody, so I can see that as possibly being more important for you to be there when the funeral is all done and over and the death becomes *real*, KWIM?

I also agree that a keychain may not be the best idea for this particular situation. I agree that a charm or something would be nice.

T&P's for your SIL and her family.

[ShannonMVT]

Thanks everyone for your advice. I talked to my brother, my mom and MIL and I've decided I'm not going to the funeral. Matthew is okay in the car for 2 hours but after that it gets really bad with him crying unless I have someone with me to help keep him distracted. I plan to find out the next time SIL and my brother are in our hometown (they go pretty often) and go for a longer visit. That way I can spend some time with them and also go by and visit SIL's mom, dad and other siblings. I'd really like to just spend time with them and if they feel like it, have them tell me more about R and what she was like. I wish I had known her better.

When my dad died earlier this year, my mom said that there was so much support and people and food and then after the funeral is over, everyone leaves and you're left alone and it is a big let down. She said she appreciated the cards she got a week or two later because she could really have time to read them and it was something nice to get after a lot of the initial support died down. So I will send a card and Dh and I agreed to make a contribution to a bank account being started to help with funeral expenses (they are so expensive and her family is not real well off so this will be tough on them).

I'm still mulling over a sympathy gift. I found out her bday was in November so I want to give it to them then, so I have time. I found another site that makes something similar to the keychains, only they are suncatchers with the birthstones and crystals, so that is another option I'm thinking about since I'm not sure about going the jewelry route.

Thanks again for all your advice. And for thoughts and prayers for this family. It's a heartbreaking situation.

[*krista*]

I typed out a respone then realized you already made up your mind... but I pretty much agreed with everyone else so it was nothing new.

That is really awful. My sympathies to the family.