[ShannonMVT]

Okay bear with me, because I think I am slightly crazy and hormonal.

So last night Dh and I were talking and he told me in no uncertain terms that we are DONE after this baby. I always knew he wanted two kids and he has always known I would like two or three. He made a comment awhile back that apparently I misinterpreted, because I had thought he was at least willing to entertain the idea of maybe a third, depending on how things go. Apparently not. He said that kids are hard to raise and two is plenty. I asked if he would run out and get a vasectomy right after this baby is born and he said well not right after, but soon. And the thing is, even if he didn't, I don't think we would get pregnant anyway as an oops. We don't have sex all that often and I am VERY aware, too much so, of when I am fertile so I wouldn't feel right about jumping him when I knew I was. Plus add to that the fact that we are not super fertile anyway.

We've been under stress lately because for a couple months he was having to work late a lot of nights plus working every weekend. His project finally finished up and he got a 4 day weekend. It went fine mostly but Matthew has been difficult with cutting his upper canines and I was venting to Dh about it after he *finally* went down for a nap. He then proceeds to say he thinks that when the baby comes it's going to be a "freaking nightmare" and that he isn't looking forward to it. And I understand what I think he means. It was tough when Matthew was a newborn with his reflux and dairy allergy. If we have another one like that PLUS dealing with Matthew being a 2 year old, then things will probably get crazy. But it still really hurt to hear him say that. Just because I get frustrated with Matthew (which I think every mom gets frustrated with their child sometimes, especially if you stay at home?) he thinks I won't be able to handle 2 kids.

He's a great dad and I know he loves Matthew to bits. But he's one of these guys who if I had said "I don't want kids" he would have said "okay". He doesn't get baby fever.

So anyway now I am feeling really sad that it's 99.999% sure that this is my last baby. And now I think maybe I should have waited a little longer until Matthew was older so I could enjoy him more by himself. And then he would have been more independent when baby came so that I could enjoy every moment of my last baby's babyhood rather than being the sleep deprived mom I know I will be. We wanted them close together and I thought 2 years apart was fairly common. We wanted them close so they can hopefully be good friends with each other and have things in common. But now I think maybe that was dumb because just because they are close in age doesn't mean they will get along. And add to that I spend a lot of time with my mom's group, which I love, but NONE of them (minus one, who I don't see that often) have even started TTC their 2nd kid, so I feel like once they start having their 2nd kids way after I've had mine, I am going to be hit with super bad baby fever and I won't be able to do a thing about it.

I also have a hard time acknowledging that I really would like a little girl. I know I will be happy with either, but I feel like now this is my only chance. But at the same time, I also feel like even if I have a little girl, part of me will be really sad that I never get to have another little boy.

I know this is super long, I just needed to get my feelings out there to someone who understands where I am coming from. I don't think pregnancy hormones are helping right now either.

[JediRach]

First off, hugs. It's so hard. I want 4 and Guy always jokes that we already have 4 with the dogs and that we will never have enough money to have 4 kids, which is probably true, but the fact that he is so adamant about the money part of the equation make me feel bad.

I also know that you are a really amazing mom who will learn to juggle having two young kids and fall absolutely in love with your new baby, boy or girl. I think its harder for men to understand not because they don't love their children but because you are already getting to know your baby and they can't really do that until the baby is here.

Talk to your hubs and tell him the negativity is not good for you or the baby and reassure him that people have kidlets close in age all the time and are perfectly happy. You will adjust and love your new life with baby numero 2. Also, let him know that you would appreciate it if he would at least entertain the idea of a 3rd after you have had time to see what its like being a family of 4.

[~* Helen *~]

Awww sweetie!!!! I totally know how you feel!!! We have always been set on having 3 ... but he knows I would like 4 kids .. but I know after we fall pregnant this time we won't have any more Its hard to think about it being the last newborn of my own, last time being pregnant etc. He won't go for the snip so there is a vey small chance an oops might happen as the pill doesn't agree with me.
He may change his mind a bit later on once baby is here and things have settled xx

[ShannonMVT]

What really worries me is that I would have expected him to say no way, no more, AFTER baby gets here and things are crazy and we are adjusting. But to say it before baby has even gotten here gives me even less hope of him changing his mind. It's like he thinks even just Matthew is plenty to take care of.

[**jessie**]

I've been dealing with many of these issues myself so maybe it is crazy, preggy hormones?!

My DH is also sure we are done after this one. And me, like you, would at least like to entertain the idea of a third. Although in my case, I know two will be a better fit as I cannot be a sahm.

idk, my only advice is to just let it go for now with your DH. I know when mine is in a 'mood', the more I push the worse it gets. Maybe just wait until after the baby is born to broach the subject again? Who knows, it's possible you will feel done, as well after this one.

I think, whenever you have finished having children be it 1 or 10, it is bittersweet. Such a wonderful, amazing time in your life coming to an end. But you have to remember that there will be amazing, fun times to come raising your kids.

I initially had a twinge of disappointment when I found out this one was a boy because I knew this was our 'last chance', but that feeling was very short lived and I actually had really WANTED to have two boys. And you have to think, even if you have a 3rd or 4th, there is still no guarantees of a certain gender. My grandmother had 6 boys before her first girl. It's hard for me to type out a response, but even though I know that there is some disappointment in never having a daughter, I don't believe in continuing to have children to try for a certain gender.

So hang in there, Shannon, and don't worry yourself. Give yourself and hubby a little more time. These big decisions don't come overnight. And I promise, you will be more than thrilled if you are in deed having a second boy.

[soImarriedAnerd]

{{{HUGS}}} Troy and are are the opposite of you two... *i'm* the ones saying this is it, and HE is the one saying maybe more. So I can kind of see his point but he doesn't have to be a melodramatic jerk about it. And He can't say 100% what he will feel like in a few months/years....and to do something so permanent when you don't agree! YIKES! Maybe sit him down and explain that even if he wants the big V that YOU want the option left open and discuss having some sperm saved and frozen saving for possible procedure for a third and paying for that....if he is like me in anyway---the money part will kind of help you with your point. The reason I'm "agreeing" to let troy wait to get snipped till i'm 40yrs old is because as much as I'm done... I can't know the future. Hel! if someone would have told me I would quit my job when I got married or was going to be a SAHM 6yrs ago I would have laughed in their face. So things happen/people change.
{{{HUGS}}}

[ShannonMVT]

Jessie, I know what you mean. If we did have a 2nd boy I wouldn't go for a 3rd just to try for a girl. I'd only have another one if I really wanted a 3rd child, girl or boy. And I can see myself, even if we have a girl, wanting to have another child.

I adore having a boy and to be honest, it's not so much the process of raising a girl that I really desire. It's more having an adult daughter when I get older because I know how close my mom and I are. I know that having a daughter is no gurantee of that (I know plenty of people who are adults and don't get along with their mothers) I just feel like with boys they will eventually have to grow up and away from their moms whereas a daughter can still stay close. And (to me) a MIL is just not the same. Maybe that's dumb that's the way I feel. I do feel grateful that I'm not a person that just HAS to have a girl because I adore pink and ruffles and all things girly.

I have no idea when he is even thinking he wants to get the V. I really can't imagine him having the initiative to go make the appointment himself but who knows. I do want to talk to him about it again but I don't know if now is a good time, even though it bugs ME to have these thoughts hanging in my head. I think part of what bothers me is not just the fact that he doesn't want a 3rd but the insinuation that he doesn't want to deal with 3 kids or that I wouldn't be a good mom to 3 kids. It really doesn't do a lot for my self esteem because it makes me feel like maybe he doesn't think I'm a very good mother/wife right now with one child, if he feels so strongly about this.

[ANGWife]

Originally Posted by JediRach

I think its harder for men to understand not because they don't love their children but because you are already getting to know your baby and they can't really do that until the baby is here.

This was totally Ed when I was pregnant with Henry. He certainly wasn't one of those husbands that talks to my belly, rubs all over it, or enjoys feeling him kick. And you know what, it's not much different with THIS kiddo

I also understand the emotional high and low you are on right now. At your point in my pregnancy, I was a MESS and cried almost every day. What have I done?! I thought. How on earth am I suppose to juggle 2 kids, let alone so close in age. I spent so much time getting stressed about it, I had to just stop myself. Because whether you have 2 or 15 kids, you are pregnant NOW, and they WILL be 2 yrs apart. I try my best to think of all the wonderful things I can do with my boys. How even if they aren't super close, they will always have each other for life. Try your best to focus on the great things in your future.

As for not having any more, yeah that is kinda jerky for him to talk like that. I would tell him to at least wait a few months after this baby is born to be having such strong opinions. Who knows, maybe this next one will be so easy for you! I'm a little worried cause I had it so easy with Henry that this one will be heck.

Hit me up on FB if you ever need to chat.

Originally Posted by soImarriedAnerd

if someone would have told me I would quit my job when I got married or was going to be a SAHM 6yrs ago I would have laughed in their face. So things happen/people change.
{{{HUGS}}}

I TOTALLY agree with this! Before Ed, I didn't even want kids.

Originally Posted by ShannonMVT

It really doesn't do a lot for my self esteem because it makes me feel like maybe he doesn't think I'm a very good mother/wife right now with one child, if he feels so strongly about this.

See, I don't see why he would have the nerve to make such comments after all the MIA time he has had from you guys. I'm a single parents A LOT of the time and Ed wouldn't dare question. If he is so concerned about being a dad of 2 than maybe he should try a little harder!

[Resi]

I know it's hard when you want another child and your husband feels content with the child(ren) you have. No matter how many children a couple has it's a huge responsibility and it doesn't matter if it is one child or three so I can understand your husbands point when saying two if plenty to raise. For men they see the financial part of adding more children to a family and it stresses them out.

I would try not to dwell on it right now. Nothing is set in stone and things can always change. Maybe he won't rush off to get snipped and in a few years he will be more open to the idea of a third. You might feel content with two boys or a girl and a boy after this baby comes along. I think most of us will feel sad when we have our last baby because it's ending an amazing chapter in our lives. That most likely goes for women who feel done with what ever number they are on.

On a side personal side note... Damon has told me several times that he is 100% happy with only having Oliver. He feels that he will be a better father to one child and doesn't have a need to add to our family. He said if it happened he would be fine with it and not upset but he doesn't want to plan it. The strange part is he is fine with having unprotected sex and he knows I chart. I also always tell him when I'm about to ovulate and that is the time we usually have sex so to me that is about the same as trying or risking it big time. I get sad that he is like the only husband I know that is not willing to have a second child but I still have some hope that it will happen. It just stinks when you're not on the same page as DH in the family planning.

[second_chance_mum]

Originally Posted by ShannonMVT

What really worries me is that I would have expected him to say no way, no more, AFTER baby gets here and things are crazy and we are adjusting. But to say it before baby has even gotten here gives me even less hope of him changing his mind. It's like he thinks even just Matthew is plenty to take care of.

Men are funny creatures. They think, feel and act completely different then us. Personally I think he stressed. Well alot stressed.

While I know it is hard o put your feelings aside but I think in the csae, you may have to. First don't push the issue. Enjoy the now. Second, I would personally do the supportive wife thing right now. I know it may be hard, but it can really help. Little things like a note snuck into his lunch, or bag that he takes to work telling how great a husband, father, person he is and how much you apprecaite his hard work. Planning a night alone where you make his favorite meal, watch his favorite show, get his favorite drink. Just something to help him relax, and enjoy his time with his wife who is supporting him and his needs. And instead of focusing all your talk on stressful issues, find other things to talk about. Not the kids, not bills, not house hold stuff. Talk about Adult stuff. Charlie Sheen in the news, the crap in Libia, new movies. Things that you talked about when you were dating or married before you had a child. It just sounds to me that the issue is not another child, it is putting back some of your relationship together back into your lives. Trying for some nice make-out sessions too help. Not anything that leads to DTD, just a nice little make out. Now I am sorry if I am way out of line here.

As for handling 2 babes, it really is funny how fast everything falls into place. I have 2 who are 2.5 years apart. There were days that were a struggle, but it all falls into place. Things to keep in mind to help, get Matgetthew involved. Now some may think this is odd, but a boy baby doll. When you change the baby, he can change his. When you feel the baby, he can change his. He can help you get supplies that you need for your baby and his. Make it a partnership with the two of you. Another thing, make daily Matthew time. A time where he can do whatever he wants {well within reason} This is great for when the baby is napping. Have some suggestion ideas as well to help add structure and choice for him. It is a great way to keep bonding and ensure that he feels like he is still special and getting attention from mommy.

GL and remember don't sweat something that you can deal with right now. You never know what DH will say in the future. You could be surprised. He may want to try in the future. He may decide he wants a daddy's little girl too. None of us know the future and it is ALWAYS changing, so don't sweat it. Stressing yourself is not going to help any of you.

[ShannonMVT]

He has already been trying to feel the baby kick and has talked to the baby. And I remember when Matthew was born I was just amazed by how much he fell in love with him. I just don't see how he can't remember that, what is was like and know that it will happen again and it will all be worth it.

Maybe he feels like he will never get time to himself again? Yeah, I did expect him to do more with Matthew once he got time off because he's been gone so much. But I also took Matthew out and on a playdate plus nap, so he got like 4-5 hours one day without us around, to do whatever he wanted, which is way more than I ever get at one time. He generally watches Matthew and plays with him once he gets home from work because I want a break from it. Maybe he thinks because I vent to him about how hard it is taking care of Matthew all day (the days he is in a "mood" or cranky/teething or whatever) that it's going to be hell when I have 2 kids? Am I off base here? Do other SAHM moms vent to their husbands about things their kids do to drive them nuts?

I agree with all of you who say he shouldn't do anything permanent until we both agree that we are done. If it were up to ME, I'd say let's wait until this baby is a year old and then talk about it again. I don't even know for sure that I want a 3rd child, I just to feel like it is an option. But then again I feel like I need to be emotionally prepared if this really is my last baby.

[Resi]

I vent to my husband about having hard days. He also sees me at my worst with Oliver. I sometimes wonder if he thinks I'm a "bad" mom when he sees me like this and thinks I can't handle a second. BUT I've seen him get frusterated with Oliver too.

[ShannonMVT]

I sent him an email earlier and asked him to call me at lunch, which he did. I told him I was feeling really upset today because I felt like he didn't think I was good mom and that I couldn't handle having two kids. He said he didn't think that and that he didn't mean to make me feel that way. He said he just thinks having 2 kids is going to be really hard. So I guess he seems to be even more worried than I am about how we will transition to 2 children.

I also spoke briefly to him about the fact that women are different than men (we have had this discussion before) and that many women (myself included) deal with frustration by talking about it and that doesn't mean it's all bad or that I don't enjoy being a SAHM.

Hopefully we can go from here and talk about things we can do to make the transition to 2 kids easier. I already have a few things I want to do differently, stuff like freezing meals ahead, buying paper plates and utensils to cut down on dishes, etc. I will also bring up the vasectomy again at some point and see if I can get him to understand my point of view on us both being 100% sure before we take drastic measures.

[LisanAndy]

I vent and whine to Andy all the time, that's what husbands are for He knows there's no place I'd rather be but being a SAHM is hard some days and he's my outlet for those frustrations and concerns. I remember being just as nervous about #2 coming. Take it from someone who NEVER wanted kids and has had 3 kids in 3 years: I can promise you it'll be no where near as bad as you're thinking but then again, maybe I'm just crazy You just take one day as it comes and ENJOY your kids; never forget that. There will be hard days but you WILL make it and it'll be all worth it. As for the being done aspect of things, it's a tough decision and try not to worry too much about it until baby #2 has been earthside for a while. Your DH may change his mind about a 3rd. Huge hugs!

[Frozendesire]

Wait and see how baby #2 is Maybe things will be alot smoother then he thinks and he changes his mind. He's prob just freaking out like most new dads do when they go party and such lol.

Having 2 kids is crazy (or 3 or 4 or 5 etc) but you'll do just fine!!! You'll take a few days to adjust and then you'll get into a nice routine

[second_chance_mum]

I am happy to hear that you two talked. That really is the main thing. If you can keep the communication open you are the road of success and far better off then so many couples.

I will disagree with one thing though. I don't think that husbands are for venting about everything. I believe that venting to GFs/BFFs about hubby, kids and household and venting to hubby about GFs/BFFs, work, school etc is the best way to keep yourself sane without having hubby taking the venting the wrong way which happens ALL the time.

Men are so protective even if they don't show it. They take on more stress then they show to the world and feel a sense of failure when they think the women they love are not happy or are over-whelmed. In the work place or with friends, men can't control it, so they give advice, an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on if need be because that is all they can do. In the home, they feel they can and should "fix" it. Not really understanding that we are fine with things, we are just expressing our emotions in a healthy manner to release them so we don't hold it all in and go insane.

This is of course just my opinion and believe me, many women have told me where to go with that theory. However - it has been successful for me and others who did follow the advice. It also helped men take things more seriously, when the woman said "hey, we need to talk" He knew it meant something important that needed to be properly addressed, not just swept under the carpet with the assumption of "she is just nagging again"

It sounds to me that you have a very loving husband who is strong, protective and wants only the best for his family. It sounds that you are equally strong, lovely and want only the best as well. The communication is there too. I don't think it is really "done" until like you said, you both are 100% about it. I think he is expressing his fears in a little bit of drastic way, but again he sounds a bit stressed because he is so worried about the most important 2.5 people in his life! You, Matthew, and your little bean.

Even with all that said, you are very blessed to have him and he to have you. Your children equally so to have such loving parents to raise them. Sometimes it is hard, sometimes it is a breeze, but that is the wonderful joy of this roller-coaster ride we call life.

Try not to let it get you down to much. Enjoy this pregnancy, enjoy your time with Matthew, and enjoy the love of your husband. Having 2 can be a challenage but it is not as bad you are may fear. You both will do much better then just survive having 2, you will thrive!

GL to you both, and I hope that I have not said anything that may further upset you. I do tend to speak my mind even when I should just shut my mouth. It is all meant with the best of intentions though.

[Mars]

I can't really add anything new but I'm happy you two were able to chat and clear up a few things. I hope you're feeling much better now.

As for me, we're both pretty much on the same page with having kids. We're perfectly content with our little lady and though we're not opposed to more children we as not planning on any more. If something was to happen (pill fails, we get careless, etc) then we would welcome the new addition happily.

[*Mrs.J.2011*]

Obviously I have no experience in this, but I wanted to offer lots of hugs. I'm glad you were able to talk, even if only for a few mins.

I can tell you that when my parents were younger they said they were done at 2, then done at 3.. they didnt end until there were 4 of us! My mom to this day (we are 25, 21, 15 and 11) still tells me that the hardest was going from 1 child to 2. She says adding a 3rd and 4th were like nothing. Maybe its because my brother and I were a little older, I dont know. My parents did a great job raising us, and I KNOW you are a great mother. I can see it every time I read anything you write about Matthew.

Again, I just wanted to offer lots of hugs and support for you!

[bittersweet]

OH Shannon, I know exactly how you feel! I could have wrote much of your post. My DH is also pretty set on having only 2. The thought of this being my last pregnancy makes me sad. So does the thought that Jenna will be so young when this baby is born, I'm sure it will be chaos for a while. If it is going to be my last baby I feel like I need time to 'enjoy' my final newborn. With Jenna not yet in school and needing much of my time, this baby will not get all the 1 on 1 time I'd hope to devote to my 'last' baby. Plus we'll be moving around the time this baby is due. I feel like the newborn period will fly by and I'll miss it. And then I feel guilty b/c I know when this baby does come it WILL be hard with 2 very little ones and I'll be wishing the newborn period does fly by so it can get easier, but at the same time trying to cherish everything b/c it could be my last. Lots of mixed feelings.

I also feel like maybe I should have waited so things would be more 'settled' when we have our next baby. But then I think even if we have a third child, most likely, this baby wouldn't be in school yet either, so it would be the same situation.

I'm not sure I want a 3rd child either, but I'd at least like the option. I've told Ed it would mean a lot to me if he at least waiting to get the V until this baby is 5 or so....I figure by then I'll be able to say for sure if we do or don't want another baby.

Sorry for spilling all my beans, but your post opened up a lot of similar feelings I've been having. I hope your DH comes around to be a least willing to postpone surgery until you are both sure of what you want. I would just leave it that for now. Once this baby is a little older he may be more open to the idea.

[ShannonMVT]

Well we talked some more and I think he is going to be okay with using other birth control options for awhile after baby is born. He does not think he will ever change his mind (and to be honest I don't think he will either) but at least it's not doing something permenant since there's always a slim chance things may change.

I also got to the root of why he only wants two...it's a time issue. He is feeling like he already doesn't have any time to himself and then the more kids you add, the more you have to do for them and then it's even less time for him to get to do anything that he wants to do.