[ShannonMVT]

Dh and I are having a hard time coming up with a name for this baby. We have a few that we like but nothing just feels right. We are pretty much set on a traditional name, so there are only so many to choose from. I don't think looking at more names is going to help...we've been over everything that is traditional! Some of my musts are for it to be two syllables and not end in "n" (because I think it doesn't flow well with our last name). And that last stipulation cuts out a LOT of boy's names.

So many of you know we lost our first baby. I called him "Dear One" when I was pregnant with him and then later I named him Thomas Shaw. But the thing is, I never really did or have thought of him much by name. I still think of him as "my first baby/pregnancy" or "dear one", not as Thomas.

Would it be completely horrible of me to use Thomas as the name for this baby? I mentioned it to Dh and I was surprised that he even remembered that we had named our little lost baby Thomas. I'm not sure he will even go for the name anyway, but I really love it. I think it goes well with Matthew too.

The other thing is that I really want this baby to have either John or Thomas as part of his name, as my dad's name was John Thomas. He passed away last year and I really want this baby to have part of his name. So baby is likely to have John as a middle name or else possible option of Thomas as a first or middle name.

What do you think? Part of me feels bad for considering using the name, like I am "recycling" it. Part of me feels like maybe something bad will happen to this little boy if I use the name. And the other part of me says to stop over analyzing it since I don't truly identify that name as being our first baby's name. (Despite the fact that my little siggie thing has that as his name.)

[Resi]

I love the name Thomas and I don't see a problem with you using it.

[Frozendesire]

That's really tough. I don't think I personally would want to name a child a name I already used. I however do love the name and I think it goes wonderfully with Matthew. I think I would be more comfy using it as a middle name. Sorry I'm not much help!

[**Jenn**]

I agree with Stephenie. I personally wouldn't feel comfortable using it but if you are then go for it! Maybe in the middle name spot?

I've always loved the name Benjamin, I know it goes against your rules though.

[alicenwonderland]

lol i don't know! If we ever have a girl i'll be really tempted to use the name we picked for our loss. I never really think of that baby by name anyway.

[*krista*]

I think if you are comfortable with it then go for it. If you don't identify Thomas as your first baby's name then I don't think there is anything weird about it at all. The only thing I would consider is if you will be comfortable telling him about his name later. I think that tells all -- if you look at it as a positive thing you would tell him later in life (i.e. you were named after your older brother) then great, but if it is something you would not be inclined to tell him about, maybe you should reconsider. You definitely don't want there to be something about his name that is hidden from him. It is all in the way you look at it, in my opinion.

[~Caroline~]

I've never had a loss (except for a chemical pregnancy) so I don't know how I would feel in your situation. I *think* I'd still want to use the name and I definitely think you should do it if you feel comfortable. Thomas is one of my favourite boy names.

[thepinkleprechaun]

I think for me it would be more...when the loss happened, like how far along. It would be totally different in my mind if it was an early m/c or like losing a viable baby kwim?

I think if you like it you should use it though

[ShannonMVT]

Katie, I was between 9 and 10 weeks. I thought naming the baby would make me feel better and make him more "real" but for me, I never really could think of him as "Thomas". Maybe I would have if I'd had a stillbirth and actually seen a baby. I surely would feel differently about the name if I really thought of him as Thomas, but I don't. And even after I named him, I rarely referred to him by name to others and eventually stopped using his name at all because it didn't really feel right to me.

Krista, I really don't know when I will talk to my kids about my losses. They (especially the first) made a big impact on my life so I'm sure I will at some point, but I don't know if it will be while they are young.

Of course it's very possible some other name may grow on me between now and when baby comes. Right now that's just the one I feel drawn to. I don't think it is Dh's favorite, but then again, Dh doesn't seem to have any name that he is crazy about right now.

[*krista*]

How does your dh feel about using it? I know you said it isn't his fav name, but what does he think about the whole situation with the first baby? Would you feel like you were naming this child after his older brother? It doesn't sound to me like you feel that way if you don't feel like that was his name. If not then maybe there is no big deal in naming this child Thomas, regardless of whether you tell him about your first or not. I see nothing wrong with it at all given all the circumstances.

[ShannonMVT]

Originally Posted by *krista*

How does your dh feel about using it? I know you said it isn't his fav name, but what does he think about the whole situation with the first baby? Would you feel like you were naming this child after his older brother? It doesn't sound to me like you feel that way if you don't feel like that was his name. If not then maybe there is no big deal in naming this child Thomas, regardless of whether you tell him about your first or not. I see nothing wrong with it at all given all the circumstances.

We haven't discussed it at length, he just brought up wasn't that what we named the first baby and I told him yes, but that I never thought of him by that name. He didn't say much about it. To be honest, he was never as attached to that pregnancy as I was. He was disappointed when I miscarried, but it wasn't as devastating to him, because it was never "real" to him.

Honestly I don't know that I would feel so much like I was naming the baby after an older brother. I associate the name with my dad and that is who I would feel like I was more naming the baby after. That is probably why I am drawn to the name...because it's been a year since I lost my dad. Just before Matthew's 1st bday.

[*krista*]

Originally Posted by ShannonMVT

I associate the name with my dad and that is who I would feel like I was more naming the baby after. That is probably why I am drawn to the name...because it's been a year since I lost my dad. Just before Matthew's 1st bday.

I didn't realize that it was your dad's name. Obviously it means a lot to you and that is what is important. IMO it would be a very honorable thing for you to name this child Thomas.

[Resi]

I think if you can get past the "naming" your first baby that name you will be fine using it. It will end up reminding you of your father more than your first pregnancy. I know a lot of women name their miscarried child but at 9-10 weeks you didn't know for sure it was a boy even though you must have felt it was. I hope that isn't insenative to say. I had a loss at around 6 weeks 9 years ago but never gave a name to that pregnancy. I thought about it but never felt right about it. I know each person is different. I really don't think you would have to explain the name to your child if you went with Thomas. Unless you mentioned the loss and said it was the name you would have used. Just my thoughts.

[Mars]

To me, even though you didn't associate the name with him, you will still have the memory and the name would be associated there. You could name this one the same name in "honor" of the passing of his sibling and that may be more comfortable.

In the end, you and DH have to be the ones comfortable with the names for the reasons you choose, and if you are, then that's all that matters.

[soImarriedAnerd]

If I said thomas to you whats the first thing that pops in your mind? If you think of the loss then no I wouldn't use it, if you think of anything else...then go for it!

[ShannonMVT]

Well now I don't know. I have a friend who lost her brother named Thomas a few years ago (he was 18) suddenly. But that never really made me not want to use the name though.

But now one of our mutual friends/acquantences is having a baby that is going to die shortly after birth due to some problem, and they are naming HIM Thomas. I'm not close to this person, it just weirds me out having several people I know that have died or now a baby that will die, that are named Thomas.

So hmm. I dunno. Going to sit on this one for a bit and revisit it later.

[outnumberedX3]

I'm new here but I lurk all the time . I was part of the WTTC board a while back.

Anyway, if you love Thomas, then you could use it as a mn for the baby. What about Jonathan Thomas?? GL deciding on a name!!

[alicenwonderland]

Actually... ditto outnumbered. That would kinda weird me out too, with the black cloud that seems to be hanging over the name "thomas" right now. But it would make a GREAT middle name!

[Bre*n*Will=Reid]

My friend is named Melissa. She just found out a few years ago that her mom had a baby who was stillborn (I believe around 20 weeks) whom they also named Melissa This really bothered her and she actually considered changing her legal name to something different.

Honestly, I woudn't use Thomas as the first name, but I would definitely use it as the middle name to honor your dad.