[BellaNaomi]

Sorry if this is a little long.

My best friend and I have babies 3 months apart. She desperately wanted an all natural birth and ended up with a c-section that devastated her. I was all for drugs and had a vaginal delivery. Unfortunately, breast feeding was extremely difficult for me and I had to stop after 3 months. She is still going strong. She is now pregnant again and recently wrote on her blog about the virtues of breastfeeding. She went on and on how important it is and how she plans on tandem nursing. I thought it was a bit odd because I would never write all about the virtues of my vaginal birth. She knows how devastating it was for me when I quit breastfeeding. Plus, she has very few blog readers so she's mainly telling it to people that already know. She's uber paranoid about toys with batteries. She's all for cloth diapers and everything natural. This past weekend, my DH took Naomi on a trip and I got my first ever mom break. She made some comment to me that she won't be separated from her son until she's in the hospital giving birth with her second. As if, that's a more appropriate reason to leave your child.

So basically I don't know how to handle this friendship. I'm always feeling sub par, like I'm a bad mom. Suggestions?

Thanks for reading.

[~Michele~]

You may need to step away from the friendship for awhile (not completely but maybe take a break) or you may need to be completely honest with her and tell her how hurtful her comments can be...she either doesn't realize she is hurting you or is doing it on purpose to hurt you, in which case, I'm not sure I'd want her as a friend.
I hope you can figure out a solution.
Hugs

[doremi]

I was going to say the same thing... I find that my friendships with certain people have an ebb and flow. There are times when those people aren't meeting my needs, or we are in different places in our lives, and we naturally drift apart, then rekindle things later. I remember my Mom saying one time that many of her friendships changed when we were little just because it was too hard to be around certain people who were parenting vastly differently from her during those baby/toddler years, and then as we got older, those friendships became easier again. Also, I think it is WAY easier to get on your high horse about what you think is "right" with your firstborn, and I've found that many of my friends who were like that mellowed out considerably after having more children and realizing that every baby was different, and that their parenting had to change slightly with each one. Good luck! That's a tough situation.

[Rachel22]

I would step back for a while, it would drive me crazy too. Everyone has different styles and preferences when it comes to parenting and it absolutely doesn't make any of them better or worse.

[tyggrlili25]

Honestly I would just tell her how you feel about it. If she gets offended or snarky about it I would step away. Its sad but I know a lot of moms who have lost friends die to different parenting styles. We mommies are so passionate about how we raise our kids so its bound to cause some problems with friends with different styles. I hope she understands and stops what she is doing. Its not cool to rub the breastfeeding and taking a break in your face. :-/

[Martha83]

It's hard to be friend with someone whose views are so different than your own. If you can't find some common ground to be friends on, and just agree to disagree on the rest...maybe it's best to take a step back. I have changed my parenting styles over the years....friends I was once friends with I am no longer friends with but I have met new ones...and I still also have ones that are completely opposite from me...but I respect their choices as they respect mine. Neither of us think the other is any less for not doing it "our" way....but we have enough in common other than that to keep the relationship going.

I'd start by telling her how you feel. She may not know she's coming across that way

(speaking from experience )

Also..remember that her blog may be her personal journal type thing...not meant FOR anyone but herself...I dont know her so I dont know if this is the case....but when I blog (gosh I've abandoned it) I blog for ME...and anyone that might want to read HUGS

If she says things to you that you feel she means to hurt you, then I would probably say to her that when people say things like that it hurts you because it feels like they are implying your parenting isn't as good as theirs or something like that. I didn't talk to one of my best friends my whole pregnancy with Sarah and for the first months she was born because I felt she was always making snarky comments aimed at me too. After stepping back we are now back to being really good friends.

[*Jack'sMommy*]

Honestly, it doesn't sound to me like she is doing anything "wrong". I don't mean to sound mean or anything, so please don't take it that way! I just want to give my honest opinion. It is her blog and she has every right to post what she wants on it. If you don't like it, I would stop reading it before I would risk a friendship over it - that is, if it is a friendship that you wish to pursue. Now, if she is making purposefully snide comments to you, I would probably rethink things. However, from what you wrote, it sounds like these things are her opinions, written on her blog, and it sounds like she feels strongly about what she does - which does NOT equal not approving of other choices. For example, I still breastfeed Jack and I passionately believe that all mothers should at least try to BF. However, I do not think it makes someone a bad mother for not breastfeeding. If I chose to have a blog and write about my choices, I would expect that if someone didn't like them they wouldn't read it. Easy as that. As for the going away thing, maybe she meant nothing by it. Maybe she was just making conversation. I have had friends talk about being away from their LO's and I might say something to the affect of not having been away from Jack for more than a few hours and I do not plan to be anytime soon. It's not me being judgmental or anything like that - it's just making conversation. Maybe you do need to step back a bit to see how you really feel about your friendship. Good luck to you!!

[BellaNaomi]

Yes, I've definitely heard the whole it's your blog so you have every right to post what you want. But blogs are public and if you invite someone to read it, then please be courteous to others. My point is that it would be uncalled for me to write about the benefits of a vaginal birth. Many women cannot physically give birth this way so it would be mean of me to write about it. I could not physically nourish my child at 3 months so I think it's mean for my friend to write about all the benefits of breastfeeding. I know them already, for God's sake. And yes, all you breastfeeding mothers have such an amazing bond. I've heard it time and time again. All I'm asking for is compassion. I don't care if we have extremely different parenting styles, why can't people just keep their mouths shut. I couldn't care less if you use cloth vs. disposable, wooden toys or toys that beep and light up. Just be compassionate to all mothers. We're doing the best we can. Sorry about the rant but ahhhhhhhhhh!

[*Jack'sMommy*]

Originally Posted by BellaNaomi

Yes, I've definitely heard the whole it's your blog so you have every right to post what you want. But blogs are public and if you invite someone to read it, then please be courteous to others. My point is that it would be uncalled for me to write about the benefits of a vaginal birth. Many women cannot physically give birth this way so it would be mean of me to write about it. I could not physically nourish my child at 3 months so I think it's mean for my friend to write about all the benefits of breastfeeding. I know them already, for God's sake. And yes, all you breastfeeding mothers have such an amazing bond. I've heard it time and time again. All I'm asking for is compassion. I don't care if we have extremely different parenting styles, why can't people just keep their mouths shut. I couldn't care less if you use cloth vs. disposable, wooden toys or toys that beep and light up. Just be compassionate to all mothers. We're doing the best we can. Sorry about the rant but ahhhhhhhhhh!

I still disagree with you but will not expand on it. I am sorry you are struggling with this and I hope you can find peace with it!

For the sake of your friendship, I suggest not reading her blog anymore Does she say these things to you in person, outside of the blog? I agree with Lauryn and Martah- a lot of times blogs are meant for the person writing them- a place to talk about how they feel, what they believe in, etc. I would try to not take offense from her blog.

However, her comment about you having alone time was uncalled for in my opinion. That would bother me. Also, if she is contantly doing the "mommy comparrissons" in person or in direct communication with you...

I have very few friends who parent like I do. Most of my friends are super gung-ho about pain meds and interventions, and all I heard while I was pregnant was "Oh my God! You're crazy! Just get the drugs! I know that you won't be able to do it all natural....trust me!" It was like I didn't have a right to my opinion, and I never once talked about it in a condesending way. I would only talk about it if someone asked. I just try to make sure to not discuss those things with those friends now that I know that we disagree.

If this girl is truly your best friend, I think you should talk to her about it. Acknowledge your different parenting styles and how it makes you feel when she talks about these things in front of you. Just be honest. She may have no idea that she is offending you. Tell her that you respect her parenting style and you hope that she can respect yours too.

[Miracle]

(((Hugs)))

I have definitely been seeing what you're talking about and going through with it myself. It seems like there always has to be divisions among us mothers rather than just supporting each other for where we are- even if our choices are different than others... especially if our choices are different because of something we didn't really choose but it just happened such as a c-section or not being able to breastfeed.

I think there's definitely a right way to go about talking about something, even when you're extremely passionate about it- you just need to be aware that other people around you may not feel the same way or that they may even be hurt because they weren't able to do that (BF as example) so we just need be sensitive.

I do think because it's her "personal blog" she is entitled to write whatever she wants, but I would not invite certain people to read it if I knew things I wrote might be offensive. But that's just the type of person I am.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and I, too, wish that more mothers could join together with whatever place their in instead of making divides because of our different choices.

[.h00dihoo.this.]

personally, im just the type of person that thinks "who cares" LOL.. i mean.. i would just let her say what she wants.. if she is proud of what she is doing, let her be proud.. im sure shes proud she is still able to breastfeed and she would like to announce that..

i really dont see anything wrong with it, i mean on my facebook, i see some who preach about a belief they have on parenting or a debate they are really passionate about (such as breastfeeding) and even though i sometimes agree with what is said, i do get a little annoyed at times, because its just over the top and it gets to the point where, enough is enough.. but what can i do? people are entitled to their own opinions, you (generally speaking) just have to not worry about it and dont let it get to u...

like Lauryn said, if it was getting to the point that shes directing her comments towards you and shes being catty about it.. then that would possibly be a different story and would need to be rethought upon.. but otherwise, personally.. i'd let it go.

[Resi]

Maybe she wants to voice her choices and what she feels very passionate about. I'm like her with my parenting style and find that it's very hard to find like minded mothers. I'm always the odd one out and sometimes it can make me feel like they think I do things the "wrong way". Sometimes I voice my parenting style choices on FB. It can be so certain people can see that it's something I feel strongly about and something I don't plan on giving up any time soon. It's not to show them that my choice is better than their's but to stand up for what I believe in. A lot of more tradational mothers find my way to be wrong for what ever reason they give.

[amandakay29]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I have a friend that has a daughter that is a month older than Wyatt. We have totally different parenting styles...and lifestyles...she's a vegan, into organic food, clothes...I'm not. But we don't judge each other. Her little girl is growing up fabulously and my little man is doing the same. We both love our children and that is all that matters in our eyes. I hope you guys can work it out.