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You'll have to forgive me, if I'm a bit vague or I ramble a bit, but this is the first time I have actually written out my loss story...even after the years, it is still raw and hard to write about.
In 2003, I lost my first child at 21 weeks. At first, I really took my pregnancy for granted, and was never concerned. I was so excited because I had my "big u/s" appt on February 13th.My DH didn't know that I had an appt that day, so I thought it would be the greatest Valentines Day gift ever, to find out the sex of the baby.(We were really hoping for a girl!) Once they 9started my u/s, the tech immediately turned away the screen.I started to get nervous, and the tech stopped the u/s almost immediately, and told me she would be right back. She needed to get my doctor, and for me to get dressed.My doctor came in, and took me into his office. He proceeded to tell me that there was no h/b, and it appeared that SHE had measured a few weeks behind.The rest of the day is very blurry to me, there is much of it that I have blocked out. I still can't remember them calling my DH to come get me, because I couldn't drive. I was changed forever. I was depressed for two years, because I refused help. I hated seeing other pregnant women, or baby things at stores. I had no support from anyone, other than my DH, but our marriage was starting to fall apart, because of my depression, and there wasn't much more he could do. My mom, as "nicely" as she could, said my loss was "probably a good thing" because we were so young at the time. I finally decided that after two years of being miserable that I needed help. I started going to a counselor and joined up in a small support group.For the longest time I felt like I was the only person this happened to, because everyone I saw already had their babies.But knowing there were other women out there, that would support and understand me, I started to heal. As you ladies know, there will never be a day I wouldn't cry for her, or ever heal completely.
After losing her, for some reason, the thought just stuck in my head that I could never be pregnant again, like it would just never happen again. My DH started the whole "not trying, not preventing" thing in October of 2006. In early February of this year, I started feeling sick, like I had the flu. I was pretty much in bed for a week, hardly able move. I started to notice smells were making me feel sick as well. But once again, I thought I was sick. I called a friend of mine to ask her to take me to the doctor (my DH is in the Army, and he was gone for 2 weeks playing war in the training field)but she said she thought I should take a pregnancy test first. Of course I thought she was crazy, but I figured I'd give it a try. So I POAS, and handed it to my firend, because I didn't even wanted to see the BFN.So I closed the door to the bathroom, while she stood outside and waited. I remember holding my head in my hands, just wanting to bawl my eyes out, because I thought I would just die if it was negative. A few minutes later, she starts to scream,she throws open the door, and says, "You're pregnant!!!". I think I stared at that test for 5 minutes before I hit. I just bawled in her arms.I ran over to the phone, to call DH.Surprisingly, he answered on the first try.All I could say was "Chris...Chris...I'm pregnant!I'm pregnant!". I heard him start to cry and yell, Tiff's pregnant we're having a baby!!!" And then all of our friends yelling in the background. It was really like a sign. Here I was grieving my little girl's anniversary,and then I find I'm pregnant again.It was like she finally decided I was ready again.
Then came the fear. I was ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED until I was almost at the beginning of my 3rd trimester.I was scared to move, to get out of bed, scared to eat the wrong things. My m/s was so bad, I couldn't hold down ANYTHING. I would cry at night, terrified I was hurting my little bean. I would eat more, and just get sick again. It was a vicious cycle, until I was able to get to the doctor's and get medication. Everyday when I woke up, I went to the bathroom, because I just knew I was bleeding red blood.Thankfully that never happened. Then at about 21 weeks along, I found this site, and joined the PAL forum. I swear I would've never made it through this pregnancy without those ladies. I would've never made it through my "big u/s" without them either.The big u/s came and went,very well. My baby boy was measuring and growing just fine. It was really hard to get any support from my OB about my loss, because he acted like she never existed.Getting through without support from your doctor can be hard!I started to get a bit more confident as my 2nd trimester went on.I was starting to feel him move,and kick alot more.(That is the most amazing feeling in the whole world!)I remember how scared I would get when he wouldn't move, when he was asleep. I would be holding my breath until I could wake him up to move again. That went on through the rest of my pregnancy until the day he was born. Everything went along wonderfully,but I wasn't gonna jinx myself.At my 36 week appt, my OB couldn't feel his head.I was dilating, but he was not engaged. We did an u/s, and he was breech.My doctor scheduled a version at the hospital at 39 wks and 2 days. If the version was unsuccessful, we would do the c/s right then and there.When I got home I researched what a version actually was, because I knew there was more involved than just simply "turning him around" like my doctor's said. After doing some research and talking to some of the ladies at PAL, I decided it was too dangerous. When I got to the hospital on October 17th, and my doctor finally arrived, the tech there ddi an u/s. The tech immediately said that he was not a small baby, and he was at least 8 lbs, just by palpating. Once he did the u/s, he said he was much larger, that he was probably 10 lbs. or so. He left, and my doctor was saying he still thought he was small, 6 or 7 lbs, and suggested that I still try the version. Once again, I refused,and was prepped for surgery.
At 3:45 p.m. on October 17th, Austin Robert came into the world at 9LBS. 10 OZ. So much for being small, huh?After I got to recovery, my doctor came in to see how we were doing. He told me how he was glad that I declined the version, because he was so large, and he had a short cord, which may have been why he never flipped.(He was transverse at 22 weeks, but we guessed he was never head down!He got so big he got stuck!)So in other words, the version would have either been unsuccessful, or worse. (If you're scheduled for a version, PLEASE do research, don't let your doctor push you to do it, complications can be rare, but they can be extremely dangerous!)
I really hope that all of you have wonderful pregnancies, because it will happen to you, even if you don't think it ever will, like I did.It's amazing to see that sweet baby lying asleep in his swing, after the hell I went through. I thought I would never happen. I thought the day would never come, and the day he was born came faster that I ever could've wanted it to. I already miss him being in my tummy. Sometimes I wish I could put him back in, but it's so awesome to see him grow.In the past 2 weeks, I've heard his first coos and I've seen his first smiles, and I'm so grateful I am able to see such miracles. My life began the day he was born. I know it seems like you have a long hard road ahead, but once you have that baby in your arms, it seems like it all went too fast. Good luck ladies, and lots of sticky dust to you!!!!!!