[MomtoLeesi]

Hello everyone! For those I haven't met yet, nice to meet you! I am what I still consider to be a "fresh newbie" to this website, forum, and TTC in general. I posted an introduction about myself here: http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f7...l#post24452940

For those who are interested, we are currently WTTC, and will enter the TTC world formally in September. And what do you do for "formal" events and occasions? A lot of getting ready. For us, this includes financially (i.e. me getting a job. Technically, I work and get paid as a full-time Master's student, but still...), planning-wise such as charting BBT, CM, CP, etc., taking multi-vitamins/pre-natals, eating more healthy, and... being more active.

Something you might not know about me is that I am a quite liberal feminist. Like, very liberal. One way I would describe myself is as a "passionate feminist, queer-positive, diversity-positive, fat-positive, sex-positive, anti-colonialist, pro-choice, social scientist graduate student and sexual health educator". Phew. I needed to take a breath after *typing* that.

I'm super into anything having to do with sexual health, sexuality, and gender issues. In my previous job, I taught sexual health and mental health workshops for junior-high and high-school aged youth all over the city/province. I'm all about empowerment-based models, access to non-judgemental counselling and access to birth control and all three pregnancy options for youth. (for all people, really, but teenagers and young adults often have a particularly more difficult time with getting these things).

One of the workshops for youth we taught was on Body Image. Among media analysis of women's and men's bodies, we also followed and taught our philosophy of Health At Every Size. This means that regardless of what you look like, what size or shape you are, you can be healthy. This means that if you are a fat person, you can be healthy- even as healthy or healthier than skinny folks. (see? told you I was very liberal! You might even call it 'radical').

I believe this for way too many reasons to list here, but here are just a few:
1. the BMI (body mass index) was created by insurance companies, not doctors, and the thin categories of what constitutes "normal" has gotten even teenier over the years arbitrarily. Not based on scientific opinion or even doctors, literally people have gone to bed "normal" and woken up underweight or overweight, or from overweight to obese.
2. the BMI does not measure true health. It is not an accurate diagnosis tool, and sadly is used often as that. The BMI does not take into account muscle mass, bone density, genetics, etc. By the BMI standards, Tom Cruise is overweight and the Rock is morbidly obese. I'm not saying they are necessarily healthy, but they are not overweight or morbidly obese. Recent studies have also shown that the BMI measures someone's real health in less than 7% of all cases. Just 7%. This means that in over 93% of cases, health of an individual had nothing to do with their BMIs, or numbers on a scale.
3. Speaking of efficacy, don't get me started on the diet industry. All diets (in the sense of restricting or eating certain foods, whether brand-named like Atkins or not) have a 5% success rate. Diet companies know this and are happy with this figure, because what happens when something doesn't work for you? You try, try again. Equaling big bucks for this multi-million (or billion? I think 42 billion per year) industry, all designed to make us feel pretty darn crappy about ourselves.
4. Something called the set-point theory. This means that your body has a natural set weight that it tries to sticks to. Diet or eat all you want, but people find their bodies gravitate back to this 20 lb range that is natural to them.
5. If you want to talk non-sciency and no statistics about the issue, just the simple fact that our society is fat-phobic is not only sad, but dangerous. It makes discrimination against others who are fat easy and justified to do. Not only does this lead to depression, suicide rates, etc. but it also leads to an unhealthy society. If you’re fat, you are kind of ****** if you do, ****** if you don’t. If you don’t exercise your bum off, people judge you and feel justified to make comments about your behaviour. If you bike down the street or go to the gym, people equally make fun of you.
6. Again, health at every size is possible. Just like being unhealthy is possible at every size. I know plenty of skinny folks who eat garbage all the time and never exercise. I also know fat people healthier than I am. My best friend who is at least 250+ pounds can out-health me anyday. In the event of a zombie apocalypse, not only would those zombies catch up to me way faster than my friend, but my brain would also probably have more cholesterol and slow them down a bit more than the healthy body of my big beautiful friend. I’ve been to seminars that back all this up (okay, maybe not the zombie-brain-eating parts, but you get the idea), where Registered Dieticians, Nurses, Doctors all agree that health is not necessarily about fat or weight. It absolutely can be about that, but also so so much more. Don’t get me wrong, I know that there is an “obesity epidemic” (part of which, by the way, is due to narrowing of the BMI as discussed above). In Canada where I live, this has to do with a LOT of factors- often related to poverty and quality/price of available food. In some places, milk is $10.00 and coke is $3.00. If you are low-income, which are you more likely to choose? But I digress… yes, absolutely, there are fat people who are unhealthy. There are lots of them. However, I am absolutely not down with any kind of body-shaming or fat phobic tactics. Balanced lifestyles should be supported, and etc. etc. etc.

Now for the actual point of this post and how this has absolutely ANYTHING to do with TTC. I am 5 feet, 2 inches. My family has always had a thicker bone density and we’re generally pretty short. During high school, I ranged from a healthy weight (for my body) of 135 pounds to about 150 pounds. That was normal for my then growing, changing body.

In university, my body changed some more and my metabolism slowed down. I also studied a lot and was not as active as in high school, when I had mandatory gym classes and time to go out with friends. Throughout university, I progressed from about 160 pounds to approx. 180 pounds.

After my undergrad, I entered the work force and was relatively active and eating relatively well. I think I remained at about 180 lbs and was about that during my wedding, where I was a curvy size 14.

Two years ago, right after our wedding, I decided to go back to get my Master’s degree. I ended up doing the same things as during my undergraduate degree- working way too hard on papers, staying up all night, drinking too much Coke to stay awake, not eating healthy, and not being very active at all either. Add to this a slower metabolism as I age, and this has resulted in my ending up at my current weight, which is about 195-200 lbs.

This is not my healthy weight. This is not the weight my body is comfortable at. I think my body’s set point weight is between 170-180 pounds. In this weight, I do not feel sluggish but a healthy, beautiful, and sexy woman. Others might disagree and call me overweight (or even obese if that’s what the BMI says).

Part of my journey to get ready for TTC is to be healthier in all ways. This includes eating healthy (I am a lifelong picky eater which is part me, part influenced by my parents. Before I met my husband, I had never eaten asparagus, rice, broccoli. In my family growing up, corn was the vegetable). This also includes being active.

When I am active, I enjoy it. Sometimes I do have some trouble making that leap- because I feel I should be doing other productive things with my time, because I hate to sweat, and this past year especially, we’ve seen a lot of changes in my family including having my entire family live with us! It’s been busy to say the least.

So today, I hopped on that treadmill. I only had time for 45 minutes before I had to go pick up DH, but in that time I did some speed walking and a few minutes of running. I ran for two minutes straight three different times in that session and I felt GREAT about that. After being out of shape, this is an achievement and the amount I run will increase in time.

So, I am focused on eating healthy and being active. My goal is not necessarily to lose weight, but if that is a side effect than so be it. If I shed a few pounds, I would be closer to that weight that my body feels right and healthy at.

I am not saying that I am unattractive at this weight, or that someone with my height and this weight is unhealthy. It is just a bit unhealthy for meee.

Even though I am rockin’ in my radical, feminist, fat-positive self, I (like every person on the planet) occasionally struggle with body image issues. Everyone does and finds themselves along a scale from Body Love to Unhealthy Body Image/eating disroders. I am a human being present in this world and society, and as such, sometimes I need reminders that I am beautiful just the way I am.

This is my oath to myself:
I am writing this to remind myself that, throughout this journey, I will not engage in unhealthy dieting practices. I will not obsess over counting calories. I will not chastise myself for eating a piece of cake, chocolate bar, chips, etc. or call myself “bad” (which is an unhealthy body image thing, by the way). I will not restrict a certain type of food all week and then binge on it on the weekend, with statements like “may as well get my fill now, I’m not going to have that for a long time” (another by the way, this kind of restricting-rewarding diet leads to overeating and something called “starvation brain”. Basically, not healthy). I will not exercise to the point of injury or continue to exercise after an injury has occurred (doing so is a first sign of a mental health issue).

If I do not lose any weight, I will not engage in self-shaming. If I do lose some weight, I will not think of my prior 200 lb self as ugly or unsexy. I may feel sexier, but that will be because I am closer to where my body feels good, and will not have to do with an aesthetic ideal projected by the media.

Because I recognize that fat phobia is everywhere in society, I will also not comment on another person’s weight and ascribe societal values of how “good” or “bad” they look now- whether they have lost weight or not lost weight (and, when you make these comments, you are showing that it is okay to monitor another person’s appearance and hold them accountable to it, and that likewise others and society can do the same to you). Because I recognize all of this fat phobia and struggles with body love and body acceptance, I will compliment my sisters, mothers, neighbours, friends, and yes, my Internet forum Just Mommies friends too! These compliments will not focus on physical aspects but may include them. These compliments will be representative of that person as a person, and how kick-*** she or he is in their high grades, awesome parenting tactics, creative ideas for making their workplace a safe environment, or how wicked their find of those boots that they love is. I will also make efforts to compliment myself.

And if and when I have children, I will remember that my body is beautiful for aiding in the creation of a gorgeous miraculous creature. As he or she grows up, I will never chastise him or her for being chubby (as I clearly remember my Mother doing to me in a changing room department store where I tried on bathing suits. It is still sad to me that it is an early memory of mine and that, in that moment, I was socialized into believing that there was something wrong or ugly with my body). Likewise, I will treat my children equally regarding body politics- whether they are male or female. I will not use words like “pretty” to describe my daughter while boast about my son’s “active lifestyle” (this is not just sexism, but also contributes to a society where weight loss is expected of women and not as much of men, where men are expected to be more active, etc.)

I also pledge that if I am feeling down, I will return to this oath and remind myself that above all else, my body is a tool. It allows me to do awesome things like play guitar, chase after my nephews, make passionate love with my husband, and even do necessary and gross tasks like pick a wedgie. Above all else, my body is a tool first and not an ornament. When we treat our bodies as ornaments, we forget that our body is really a great tool. My body is a tool that allows me to express who I am through my words, actions, facial expressions, and gestures. My body is a part of me, but it is not all of me. The essence of who I am is not what my body looks like, but what is inside that great tool of a body.

And that’s about the all of it! I understand if no one read this long thing, but if you did read it, I hope it made your day a little bit better. What else can we do if not spread the love? 

Best wishes to all- you are beautiful, creative, intelligent, and talented- and I wish you lots of baby dust if that is what you desire.