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Wondering if anyone else has BTDT


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  #1  
November 10th, 2005, 01:28 PM
CBMS
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I have two kids from a previous relationship, DH has one. My two live with us. When his son was only 18 months old, his ex-GF ran off and he didn't know where they were until about two years ago. His son's 15 now. After DH and I got married (fairly recently, but we'd been living together for a while), he had me sign (and have notarized) a paper stating that I am aware that in the even of his death I get nothing of his 401K, life insurance, IRA, etc... that it all goes to his son. I was already pregnant when I signed this, so I was both shocked and hurt like heck that he would take better care of his nearly grown son (that by the way, was an illegitimate child and no paternity test has ever proven that he's his--this ex-GF refused) than the baby that still has 18 years to go!

Now, I don't anticipate anything happening to him soon or anything, but one never knows when they'll last see a loved one. He may not make it home today, even, and I'd be lost!! Aside from losing my spouse, this would be my situation: I'm not on the mortgage or titles to cars, boat, not on the bank accounts (he writes me a check from his account on payday), nothing!!! I'd be stuck with the baby, my two girls, and have no house or anything (it would go into probate--it was purchased by him prior to us getting married). I wouldn't even qualify for his social security if [God forbid] anything should happen to him in the next 9 years!!

I am not completely selfish; I don't want him to take his son totally off as his beneficiary, but I think that I should at least be 50% beneficiary!!

I love my husband very much, but I don't know if I can deal with this--I am very hurt by it. Would any of you put up with this?? My friend (an older lady that lives across the street) said that she thinks he'll change his mind, but for goodness sakes, what if something happens before he does?!
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  #2  
November 11th, 2005, 08:11 AM
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I would talk to him about it sooner than later. Unfortunately things do happen and you would b3e in a bad situation if it ever did. I would try talking to him about it. He probably never thought about it again. Now he has a whole family to take care of now just 1 child... Good luck
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  #3  
November 13th, 2005, 05:37 PM
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I agree... I would talk about it too. Maybe he could purchase a seperate life ins with you as beneficiary?
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  #4  
November 14th, 2005, 07:26 AM
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I would definitely bring it back up! Don't be really confront him, but just casually at first ask about what he was thinking you would do if something happened to him. Just point out, that you not only have yourself to think about, but also your 2 girls and the child you have together. Just point out that you would not have a place to live or a way to care for yourself or your children. I think that buying a seperate life insurance plan is a great idea and also just kind of point out that you arent trying to take anything away from his son, but that you are concerned with how you will care for the other 3 children if something should happen===God Forbid!
Maybe if you kind of tell him what has been on your mind he will listen and hopefully he will also agree with you. Just make it clear you dont want to take anything from his son, but that you also feel that your kids should be taken care of too.

Hope that helped!
Casey
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  #5  
November 14th, 2005, 02:48 PM
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What is his reason for only providing for 1 child?

I would definitely talk about it with him. I guess it would be best not to bring up the 1 child but talk about the future of your child together. And of course you.

Why aren't you on the titles to the house etc? That just seems wrong to me.
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  #6  
November 15th, 2005, 06:21 AM
CBMS
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Quote:
Originally posted by Lucysmom@Nov 14 2005, 06:48 PM
What is his reason for only providing for 1 child?

I would definitely talk about it with him.* I guess it would be best not to bring up the 1 child but talk about the future of your child together.* And of course you.

Why aren't you on the titles to the house etc?* That just seems wrong to me.
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[/quote]

He does provide for us--just hasn't prepared for us to be provided for in the event of his death. I don't work at all, so he pays for everything (which is why I'm so concerned about NOT getting anything if something were to happen to him--I'm a SAHM)

As far as the house, the boat, the truck, the accounts, etc... he had them before we got together, so they were in only his name and it hasn't been changed. The two I'm concerned about are the house and the checking accounts; I don't think it's right to have to wait for him to write me a check every payday; I feel I should have immediate and direct access to our money. I don't know though, that's why I was asking for everyone's advice! I haven't been in this situation before--with my ex, I was on everything (of course that also made it a little stickier when we divorced...)

Has everyone else been added to things like this as soon as the marriage was final? I'm at a loss...
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  #7  
November 15th, 2005, 09:21 AM
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When I moved an hour away from my family to be with my DH, we were dating at the time, knew we would be married eventually. The week before I moved up here, he was already living in the apartment that both of us had our names on, and I closed out my bank account back home, and drove here and put every cent into his checking account, we also added my name to it and the savings account and ordered me a debit card. We really didnt have anything seperate before we got married, the things we had before we got married we got together. He did have his boss put me as benificiary for his life insurance over his daughter, because he knew I would make sure she was taken care of. Besides that, everything we got we got together.
I understand your frusteration. I would be very confused and upset if my DH wouldnt do anything to make sure that myself and our children (when we have any! LOL) were taken care of if something were to happen to him.

It's a touchy subject to talk about and even more so since you are already married and just bringing it up. He may be a little defensive at first, but just try to stay calm and I am sure you will be able to work somethign out.

Casey
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  #8  
November 15th, 2005, 10:15 AM
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I have 2 friends who are SAHM. Their husbands pay for everything. They are both on their mortgages & their bank accounts. It isn't about who earns the money. It's a partnership.

You are not being treated as an equal partner.
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  #9  
November 16th, 2005, 12:53 PM
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I agree 100% with Lucy..........you need to put your foot down. You are not an employee that must wait for a check on payday......you are his wife......and everything should be 50-50. Sorry to say this hon..........but, you should have taken care of this before marrying him....and I would have never signed that agreement you signed.

Marriage is a partnership.......when my DH and I married.......everything I had and owned became his and everything he had and owned became mine. My DH has a son from previous marriage and I am the only one as a beneficiary on his life insurance.

Good luck.
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  #10  
December 1st, 2005, 01:16 PM
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I am new to this board but felt I needed to reply.
When DH and I got married, he had been a bachelor living with his parents and totally no responsibilities other than the bills he made himself. He never had to pay rent or utility bills, etc.
I had an 8yr old son when we got married, I had been a single mom and had to support the both of us.
We fought at first when I wanted to be added to his account b/c he was afraid I would spend all his money. It has been really tough b/c the bills just keep adding up.
That happens when you own a house, have two car payments and a son to keep in clothes, etc.
We just make a point to communicate with each other and it has helped tremendously but I made a point to let him know that I expected nothing less than equal partnership.
You need to stand up for yourself. Does he help with chores around the house or with the kids? What happens if he gets seriously injured or sick and has to be hospitalized? Who will have access to the bank accounts to pay bills, etc.
Don't get in his face or anything but the two of you should sit down and have discussion about things like that b/c you really need to be added to the bank accounts at least so you don't have to wait on him if you need something at the store and so he isn't paying you like you're his maid or something.
Good luck to you and I will be praying for your family.
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  #11  
December 4th, 2005, 01:21 PM
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Just a quick thought, but maybe you could suggest that the two of you see a financial planner? And then remind him that it's not that you want to take anything away from his son, it's just that you need to make sure that you and his other children are taken care of also.
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  #12  
December 5th, 2005, 07:50 AM
mrobinson
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CMBS, I'm wondering if you had a chance to talk it over? How are you doing?
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  #13  
December 5th, 2005, 08:28 AM
CBMS
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Quote:
CMBS, I'm wondering if you had a chance to talk it over? How are you doing?[/b]

I've tried to mention it, but it's clear that it's not really open for discussion. I talked to the lady across the street, and she is sure after the baby comes that he'll feel differently. I guess I'll give it some time.

It really bothers me--I think about it all the time, almost as if it totally preoccupies me. He takes good care of us (we have a nice home, nice vehicles, and just about everything our hearts desire), but this would abruptly stop if something should happen to him--especially considering that I am not on the house deed; it would go to probate.

He says "my parents would never let anything happen to you and the girls," but his parents are going on 80! They won't be around forever. I, too, know that if anything were to happen right now, that his parents would make sure we're taken care of...the problem is--how many more years do they really have left? And I don't want to rely on them for everything! I don't know... he doesn't get it, I guess... my mother thinks I should leave him (which is odd, b/c she's anti-divorce); I think I don't want to be a single mom again! I did that for years!!!

I'm still just as torn with what to do about it. I do love my husband, and he is a good man and takes good care of us, but this really is creating a wedge...
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  #14  
December 5th, 2005, 12:36 PM
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Hi.......I'm sure your husband is a great provider to you and your children now.......thank goodness you have that. BUT, what disturbs me is that this topic is not up for discussion according to your husband. A marriage is a partnership....two people are in this marriage...you and your husband. You both have the right to make decisions and find an agreement between the two of you. The decision of your future is not up to your husband......it should be up to the both of you. You need to be comfortable with your decisions in your marriage and it does not seem that you are comfortable with his decision (rightfully so). So, where do you fit into this partnership called marriage?

You have every right to want to feel protected for your future financially....because we just don't know what tomorrow brings. Of course you pray that your husband will be fine, but God forbid something were to happen to him. You would not be in a good situation financially. Depending on his word that his parents will provide for you is nonsense no matter what age they are. You as his wife deserve and are entitled legally to all that he leaves behind. You need to pursue this with him.....and if you feel that you cannot speak to him about this because it is not up for discussion for him.....then you need to reevaluate what kind of husband you have and what kind of husband you want. I hope I am not being harsh, but as a woman, you need to stand up for what you are entitled to...........and the existing arrangement between the two of you is not right.

Remember, a marriage is 50-50. It is not about what is good for your husband.....and what works for him. A marriage is about what works for 2 people......the two people that love and trust one another. I tell you.........I would definitely be filing divorce papers from a man that didn't want to protect or provide for me if something were to happen to him.......that tells me alot about the type of man he is.....sorry, but that's just me. The fact that he provides for you now is not important......he should do that. The problem is that he has no concern for you if something were to happen to him......and that he doesn't want you to have any access to bank accounts is ridiculous! Sweetie, women do not put up with this nowadays.

I don't know you, but I do hope that you find a resolution to this. This is not something to just turn you back on, this is a serious matter that you must take care of. If he refuses to discuss it or to put you on checking/bank accounts....house deed.......life insurance....etc.........you need to reevaluate your relationship, because sweetie.......that is not a relationship between husband and wife. It's a convenient arrangement for your husband and only him. He should be ashamed of himself......it's wrong.

I wish you much courage and strength to not accept this nonsense. You deserve much better!
you can PM me if you need to talk or need some support.....Good luck and don't sit back on this one....no way!
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  #15  
December 5th, 2005, 01:44 PM
mrobinson
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The woman pees when she sneezes ~ please listen to her.
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  #16  
December 5th, 2005, 07:31 PM
steph1989's Avatar Super Mommy
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LOL.......LMAO..........very cute
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  #17  
December 6th, 2005, 07:34 AM
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  #18  
December 7th, 2005, 07:06 AM
bellebutton's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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CBMS--has anything happened about this??? Just checking in!!
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  #19  
January 22nd, 2006, 09:38 PM
mudholemama
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I have 2 friends who are SAHM. Their husbands pay for everything. They are both on their mortgages & their bank accounts. It isn't about who earns the money. It's a partnership.

You are not being treated as an equal partner.[/b]



What's the saying???

"What's yours is mine and what's mine is yours"

(To me that includes, assets, money, AND debts)
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  #20  
February 7th, 2006, 03:50 PM
Meg-O's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
I have 2 friends who are SAHM. Their husbands pay for everything. They are both on their mortgages & their bank accounts. It isn't about who earns the money. It's a partnership.

You are not being treated as an equal partner.[/b]
Amen.

Megan
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