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  #1  
June 4th, 2008, 07:56 AM
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Hey this is the first time that i'm been on this board. I'm kind of stressed and that is an understatment!! First of all My dh and i have been married for 3 1/2 year. we have been seeing each other for about 5 years. He had a son before we were married. He is 9 now. dh and i have 2 kids together with one on the way. Last week my dh and i mad a aweful dissicion we had went to the hospital and left the kids home with his brother. i came back to put the kids to bed and i figured that i could go and get my dh and get home before anything. the hospital is about 3-4 miles down the road. well went we came back the police were standing there. so they talked to us and say cps would come and visit you. ok. we they came 2 days later and basically said that if you do it again that they would take the kids away from us. I have learned my lesson!!!!! we the ex found out about and she was very mad. i would be too. so now she is going after full custody. I can't believe it. everything that she is saying that we have done she has done it too. she has left him home alone. she has let him walk home or to other people's house, her house is not that clean. has anyone went thru this? i need suggestions? oh i forgot to tell pre-information and might give clues to her. she left her son with my dh and left for 2 years. didn't see him at all. she is a very sick person too. medical history to prove it. well thank you for letting me vent.
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  #2  
June 4th, 2008, 04:54 PM
..Jessica..'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I'm sorry I have no suggestions, I hope things work out in your favour.

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  #3  
June 5th, 2008, 04:47 AM
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As parents, we all make mistakes. The important thing is that you know it was a mistake and you learned from it. That is forgivable. Given the bio-mom's history with abandoning her child for 2 years, I doubt that the courts would award full custody to her provided that you are giving the child a safe and loving home. From your post it was hard for me to understand if you left the children with his son (your stepson) or with your DH's brother. Apparently, whoever it was was not an acceptable babysitter. Although you mention that the bio-mom does all the same things that you do, that doesn't necessarily mean that either of your SHOULD do them. The old "two wrongs don't make a right" theory holds true in parenting especially! Don't make what she does the qualifying factor in what you feel is good to do. With kids you always have to think about safety, since all it takes is one moment for something horrible to happen that could have been prevented. If you did indeed leave the younger children with the 9 yr old sibling, that would be a very good example. At the age of 9, he may be a wonderful child and the light of your life but in a situation where he is responsible for the safety and well being of smaller children, he may panic or not know what to do in an emergency. You know that now, but if the bio-mom is indeed going to take you to court and sue for custody, you need to think every future move through or it will come back and kick you in the behind! IMO, a child younger than 12 should never be left in charge of younger children and a child younger than 10 or 11 should never be left alone AND there are certain children who I would add a year or two onto that simply because they are immature for their age. In a custody battle, you can't afford to make any more mistakes so my advice would be to err on the side of caution from this point on. Although her medical history will certainly come into play if there are issues of mental health or factors that may endanger the child or put him in a position of having to deal with an emergency, by and large they will be discarded as not having any bearing on custody. Now, if she does have mental health issues, that COULD play an important role in a judges decision or if she has a terminal illness as that may be something the judge isn't going to want the child to have to suffer--not only the loss of his mother but also the loss of his home if she had full custody. (That sounds cold hearted, I know but I'm just trying to play devil's advocate here) Basically, in any custody hearing, the judge is going to have to be persuaded that YOUR home is the BEST place for the child. Historically speaking, judges have traditionally sided with the mother but that is changing. I would think at this point it is going to be a matter of which home is the most stable and loving and SAFE! You and your husband have shown that you are committed to each other, you have a family structure that includes siblings and he has obviously become a part of that so that will definitely be in your favor. You just need to show that you have learned from your mistake and that you are providing a safe haven for the child with that being your number 1 priority.
I wish you the best of luck and hope all goes well for you. Let us know how things are working out.
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  #4  
June 5th, 2008, 11:29 AM
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thank you for playing devil advocate. alot of people have been playing that part with me. some more stuff has come out from my step son... my husband asked him last night if he wanted to live with his mother because if he did he would just say ok i know that i'm not going to win so he would give him up but my step son say he wants to stay with us. I think that he just wants me to treat him nicer. it is hard to start from the middle but i'm going to do it because he is in OUR family... he deserves it!! he also said that he doesn't want to go to the school that he would go to where his mom lives. so we are going to put up a fight and i hope that it goes well. thank for listening.
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  #5  
June 5th, 2008, 01:09 PM
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So was your stepson the one that called the police?

I hope you can get it all straighten out soon. I know how hard it is coming into an older child's life. I have a 13 year old SD & it's been very challenging.
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  #6  
June 5th, 2008, 03:54 PM
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sorry no my daughter got out of the house before we got home. Looking back on it now i am so stupid to think that i could make a quick trip to the hospital to pick up my son. sorry i am not very good at saying what i need to say.
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  #7  
June 5th, 2008, 03:59 PM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
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Sorry, I read your post several times I hope I am getting this right. You left your children alone w/ the 9 year old? if I misunderstood, please let me know.

Any who... if you leave any child in a house, for any amount of time w/ out a person to supervise that is reliable & of age (in my state it's 14), then that is not okay. You now realize that & you now know what the consequences are. I am sorry you had to learn that the hard way, that's a horrible way to learn. I don't know what else to say in that regard.

If the bio-mom has found out about this, regardless of how she's been in the past, she has every right to bring her ex into court & petition for full custody until DSS or CPS has finished their investigation. Even if you don't like her or she's acted unmotherly in the past, that's her child & that's something she has to protect. It's her job.

I am not sure what advice I have for you right now. You've already said that you've learned your lesson & that it will never happen again. You said you realize that the mother "should" in fact be upset, so you understand her views on this matter. I guess right now, it's a matter of how the legal process will continue on in your situation. You may need to do parenting classes, perhaps they'll suggest "supervised visitation w/ the child" for a while. I don't know. I am not the judge, I am not CPA or DSS, I am not sure what the future holds for your situation.

All I can say, is if you believe in prayer, mediation, reading, writing, or even seeking professional counseling, you might want to revisit those means right now, get a clear outlook from a third party professional who is unbiased of your situation & can guide you in how to continue on & prevent things from happening again.

Sorry I don't have much else to add or give advice on.

HIH, GL & keep us posted
~C
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  #8  
June 6th, 2008, 01:05 PM
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Ok I get it now.

So as far as CPS is concerned, you got a warning & they may check up on you but that's it right? Or is there something else?

I take it your DH has shared custody with the bio mom. The question is will the bio mom follow through, hire a lawyer & take you to court or is she just blowing smoke. Then if she does what will be decided? If this is indeed a 1 time occurance, then I don't see custody changing that easily.

You haven't given enough information (it's ok. I'm not always good at that either) for anyone to jump to conclusions on supervised visits or anything. So unless CPS has said anything don't jump to the worst case scenario just yet. Like I said, it sounds like you've been given a warning on this 1 time mistake & no further action will be taken.

Many a parent has done what you did. Thought a quick trip to the store or something wouldn't hurt. So you aren't the only parent to make that mistake. Not dismissing it but what's done is done. It won't happen again.

Keep us updated!
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  #9  
June 7th, 2008, 09:19 AM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
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Quote:
Ok I get it now.

So as far as CPS is concerned, you got a warning & they may check up on you but that's it right? Or is there something else?

I take it your DH has shared custody with the bio mom. The question is will the bio mom follow through, hire a lawyer & take you to court or is she just blowing smoke. Then if she does what will be decided? If this is indeed a 1 time occurance, then I don't see custody changing that easily.

You haven't given enough information (it's ok. I'm not always good at that either) for anyone to jump to conclusions on supervised visits or anything. So unless CPS has said anything don't jump to the worst case scenario just yet. Like I said, it sounds like you've been given a warning on this 1 time mistake & no further action will be taken.

Many a parent has done what you did. Thought a quick trip to the store or something wouldn't hurt. So you aren't the only parent to make that mistake. Not dismissing it but what's done is done. It won't happen again.

Keep us updated![/b]

ITA, there are people who have left their kids home alone. In fact, as a child, I used to be left home alone at age 8, now I wouldn't even think of that or consider that okay.

Just be cautious moving forward, stay aware. Most important is that everyone is/was safe & that's the main deal. I am sure you are a mess inside & worrying about the "what if's" , that's punishment enough but sometimes the law has to do more investigations. Again, as above stated, some info wasn't as clear when it came to warnings or what was gonna happen.

Keep us posted & I hope things work out.

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  #10  
June 9th, 2008, 01:53 PM
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I was a little worries what people would think of what i did but the only persons that i need to be concern with is my kids. they are not hurt from this!!! thank goodness. i've learnt my lesson and feel like it is ok now. as far as his mom and what she has done... i think that she has cooled off a little. now she says that she is more concern for me. I'm expecting another in dec. she is say that my step son is to much for me and actually he is good for me. the stress is over because school is over. that was more of the stress with him to do his homework. that is a chore!!! I feel calm now. we are doing better. i will keep you posted on what happens. thank you for your concerns and telling me the truth!!
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  #11  
June 9th, 2008, 05:05 PM
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Quote:
Quote:
Ok I get it now.

So as far as CPS is concerned, you got a warning & they may check up on you but that's it right? Or is there something else?

I take it your DH has shared custody with the bio mom. The question is will the bio mom follow through, hire a lawyer & take you to court or is she just blowing smoke. Then if she does what will be decided? If this is indeed a 1 time occurance, then I don't see custody changing that easily.

You haven't given enough information (it's ok. I'm not always good at that either) for anyone to jump to conclusions on supervised visits or anything. So unless CPS has said anything don't jump to the worst case scenario just yet. Like I said, it sounds like you've been given a warning on this 1 time mistake & no further action will be taken.

Many a parent has done what you did. Thought a quick trip to the store or something wouldn't hurt. So you aren't the only parent to make that mistake. Not dismissing it but what's done is done. It won't happen again.

Keep us updated![/b]

ITA, there are people who have left their kids home alone. In fact, as a child, I used to be left home alone at age 8, now I wouldn't even think of that or consider that okay.

Just be cautious moving forward, stay aware. Most important is that everyone is/was safe & that's the main deal. I am sure you are a mess inside & worrying about the "what if's" , that's punishment enough but sometimes the law has to do more investigations. Again, as above stated, some info wasn't as clear when it came to warnings or what was gonna happen.

Keep us posted & I hope things work out.
[/b]
I never said it was ok. I specifically said it wasn't. However, it was premature to jump to supervised visits.
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  #12  
June 10th, 2008, 10:31 AM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
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Location: In the enchanted forest
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When thinking about leaving children alone, whether for a short or long time, it is important for parents to consider the risks involved. It is important to realize that there can be risks for parents as well.

Parents in all states are legally responsible for their children's welfare until they reach adulthood. Part of caring for children is providing adequate supervision. Under some circumstances a parent can be charged with neglect for leaving children unattended.

Whenever you begin to consider leaving your child home alone, you should carefully question your child’s readiness.

You should ask yourself some questions to determine whether a parent or guardian is neglecting a child by not providing, like how mature is a child? who is responsible for the child? and what is the situation? All these factors come into play. Some 12 year olds are mature, and some 15 year olds aren't. My 14 yr old cousin is mature on some levels but I wouldn't think of leaving her alone to watch my babies, but I'd be okay w/ her alone to watch my 7 & 10 year old(s). She's responsible enough to watch older children, but not my babies who require more detailed supervision.

All in all...different reasons why it's okay & not okay & then the laws in your state may say that it's illegal to do.

I wanted to make sure that I was clear that even though I said I used to be left home alone at 8, I don't feel that ANY child would be ready to be left home alone at that age for any period of time.

Take care
~C
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  #13  
June 11th, 2008, 12:41 PM
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Blundoboys,

I just don't get why you quoted my response. I couldn't agree with you more. My children have never been left alone not even for a minute. I don't even leave them in the backyard alone while I go into the house. I never have & never will.

What I was responding to was jumping to conclusions of an outcome to an already panicked poster. The OP already acknowledge that she made a major mistake & wouldn't do it again. To jump into a conversation about her DH losing custody of his son & having to have supervised visits was what I had an issue with. There is no need to terrify an already scared person. While all of those things could be potential outcomes, they are way in the future. Unless CPS took the kids that night....

I have experience getting & keeping supervised visits for my child & it isn't an easy battle. The courts are loath to limit parental rights for any reason. What my ex did was much more serious (if you can imagine) than leaving a child home alone and I spent $20,000 & 3 years fighting the battle to get & maintain supervised visits. And in the end, the only reason I was able to maintain them was he ran out of money & left the state.

It sounds like CPS gave a warning & that was it. It also sounds like the bio mom was upset (understandable so) but has calmed down. It also sounds like she doesn't have the money nor the will to fight a lengthy court battle.

Sisteen realizes her error in judgement & has learned her lesson (albeit the hard way). Hopefully, everything else will blow over and they can move forward.
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