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So herre it is, Father's Day. DH's ex has made NO arrangements to bring the kids over and she and oldest DSD are fighting like cat's and dog's because DSD wants to move in with her best friend. OK so the kid is only 17 and that is not going to happen but the has now got her hysterical because of the fighting. DSD calls DH and says "I can't take it anymore! She won't let me live my own life...I want, I want...etc." DH tries to get the girl to just calm down...take a few deep breaths and tell him what's happened. He finally gets this out of her about moving in with her friend and tries to talk to her about responsiblities, her mom's feelings, etc. Gets her semi-calm and tells her to just go somewhere and calm down for a while and let her mom, the do the same. Then the grabs the phone away from DSD and says to DH "What kind of cockamamy bull*** did you tell her now?" Why can't you just tell her to f****** listen to me for once in your life?" He relays what was told to DSD...calm down and then you guys talk like adults. Ten minutes later, we get another call from DSD. "Mom said to get out of her face and out of her house. Can you come pick me up?" I tell DH I will gladly go get her since he is in the middle of something. So he tells DSD "Get ready, Dani is going to come get you. Stay with us for a few days and let this settle a bit between you and your mom...then you guys can talk" No sooner has he hung up the phone than it rings again and it's the "I DON'T WANT HERCOMING TO GET COURTNEY!" So I tell DH I really think someone should because this is only going to get worse. They need some time away from each other. So he leaves, gets halfway there and calls to make sure she's ready, only to be told by that she doesn't want HIM getting her either!
Happy Freaking Father's Day, right? Why does she always have to be such a ??? I don't care one little bit that she doesn't like me...I understand that. She knows she threw away a good thing and DH and I have a wonderful relationship. She screws up her life left and right and we're managing just fine. She's jealous...I am sorry. But why the heck does she insist on making those girls miserable just because SHE messed up her own life? Right now I am so scared that things might get out of hand with her because she is so volatile. I worry about the message she is sending those girls about how to handle stress and how they're afraid to say or do anything because she is such an incredible !!!!
I'm sure glad I have this board....I needed to get that out! lol
Wow that poor girl being stuck over there, does your DH have the right to just go get her anyway. I agree with you that your DSD shouldn't be over there. They need some time to both calm down and DSD needs an adult to talk to her reasonably right now like your DH.
He has the right, as they have joint custody, but he doesn't want to do anything to draw her wrath. He's such a kind and gentle person and she has always walked all over him and to a certain degree, still does. Since we've been together, he has begun standing up to her--which is another reason she doesn't like me--but that part of him is still in it's infancy. lol She never did let the girls come over for Father's Day...most likely because she didn't have plans so she didn't need anyone to babysit. (the other two girls are 10 and 11) We do see the girls a couple of times a week these days but in the past, the oldest has always been available to babysit so she would go for weeks without bringing the girls. (she won't allow either of us to come and get them but insists on being the one to bring them...I think it's because she's afraid we'll see the state of her house but I haven't said that to DH) As I said, DH goes along with whatever she mandates. I don't agree with it but I don't get involved in that aspect of his life other than to let him know I will back him on whatever he wants to do as far as the girls are concerned and have let him know if he ever decides to seek custody, I am RIGHT THERE! I made up my mind long ago that I would not put my two cents worth in unless he asked because I can definitely see how this situation could escallate and cause problems between us. I won't allow that to happen. We have a terrific relationship and talk about everything under the sun--including this--but I know it is ultimately HIS decision to make. He doesn't see it that way. He says that anything that affects both of us should be decided equally but when it comes to kids, I think sacrifices have to be made. I love his kids and think they would be so much better off with us but it isn't my call. (his son does live with us but his 3 girls are with ) She only sees her son in passing when she calls him out to the car as she's dropping or picking up the girls. I think she has seen him a total of maybe ten minutes in the past two months! They get along fine--not like there is a big "oil and water" thing going on there...just that she doesn't feel the need to see him (IMO because she doesn't get PAID for doing so where she's getting quite a bit of CS for the girls!)
As usual in situations like this, it's the kids who are losing. She would not take his calls yesterday to find out how things had gone and if they'd calmed down enough to talk things out. I know it bothers him a lot but he keeps it hidden from me because he knows if I see how much it hurt him, I'll only hate the more. But I know him and I know his heart. It hurt and it hurt a LOT! If things keep going like this, I am going to broach the subject of custody again just to let him know I still support that idea. It's just so frustrating for me because I hate seeing him hurt like this. He deserves better and so do those girls!
He really needs to talk to a lawyer. If he has custody agreements in place, all he needs to do is go down to his nearest family court & submit paperwork (costs no $) stating that his ex (bio-mom) is breeching their legal document. If they DON'T have any visitation in place, then she is not in breech of any agreement b/c that's never been established. I dont' know what his legal papers state so I can't be more specific.
Basically though, no matter what the case is, it's time to take matters into the hands of a legal professional or mediator (personally I wouldn't do mediation, you can get screwed, JMO). It's time to have things taken care of in black & white, no more B.S. & no more he said/she said & no more using the child as a toy to get even etc.etc.etc....
The judge will NOT be happy & the truth will come out. Child support is separate from visitation & custody. So they will handle things as need be. A court will decide what happens & who sees who for how long etc. They wont tolerate "I am in a bad mood, therefore you can't do this & that". The only thing I can see is that your DH will/would have to do the driving/picking up since it's his child & his responsibility. Aside from that, there is no reasons why he shouldn't see his child, especially on Father's Day.
Sorry this is happening but I can GUARANTEE you that SHE (bi-mom) is getting a rise out of this. She knows you guys are upset, she knows... the more she upsets you, the more she does it. It's her payoff. It's time to say nothing to her & just be kind & courteous & allow the family courts to decide how things will go from here or in the future. Until that happens, this WILL continue. You teach people how to treat you.
I wouldn't be tolerating this & either would my ex. But I see my DH go through this a lot & he just puts up w/ it, personally, I think they need backbones & start sticking up for what's theirs & be less concerned about other things. Do what's right & stop complaining about it. Your DH wants to live his life, right? It's time to get off his bum & do something about it, otherwise, as shown in the past, this WILL continue. This WILL not just go away, ever. KWIM? It's harsh reality but if he chooses not to do anything about this, then he deserves that treatment. That's what I've told my DH, that I don't want to hear about his ex & all her needs/wants/blah, blah, blah... b/c he's putting up w/ it & you can only be hit so much before you decide to fight back.