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  #1  
June 16th, 2008, 07:02 PM
Jessikaylee22's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Maryland
Posts: 653
First I would like to introduce myself. My name is Jessica and I have a 2 year old daughter named Kaylee. I left her father when she was ten months old and my SO has been a huge part of her life ever since. We just started getting very serious a little less then a year ago. I wouldn't call us a blended family quite yet. But, we are starting to deal with alot of the same issues as I see being discussed on this board.

I am wondering how everyone deals with questions/comments in public. It seems as if every time we are all out in public together we get the "aw shes a daddy's girl" or "Oh she has her daddy's hair" referring to my SO.

Kaylees father plays a small role in her life (he sees her for a couple hours a week at the most) but, she loves him and I don't want to confuse her. Right now we (SO and I ) just kind of politely smile or nod...or change the subject. But, as Kaylee gets older (and more aware) I am concerned about her getting confused. She calls SO Dee because, she couldnt pronounce his name when she was really little..it has actually kind of turned in to Dee-ah lately. But she definetly knows the difference between Deeah and Daddy.

Does anyone have a more polite or tactful way to handle those innocent comments/questions in public?

Thanks alot! I look forward to getting to know everyone
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<span style="color:#DDA0DD">Kaylee Elizabeth 7/17/06
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  #2  
June 17th, 2008, 07:02 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Florida
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First off, WELCOME, Jessica! Glad to have you!
As I am sure you've seen in previous posts, there is a big difference in how different members feel about the issue of calling step-parents "mom" or "dad" and although you're not exactly in that situation, it sounds like you're headed there soon enough! It's a difficult situation to be in, especially if your ex is still a part of your DD's life. You're right to address the issue now before it becomes a problem with either your daughter or your ex. People will always think that a young child with a couple is the product of that couple unless there is an obvious distinguishing factor (like race or something equally apparent) simply because that's what they're used to. As your daughter gets older (8-10...somewhere in there) , they may be less likely to assume things but it's going to happen from time to time. Since your SO has been such a big part of your DD's life for so long, you need to take his feelings into consideration as well. He may feel slighted when he constantly hears "Oh he's not her father" especially when he is taking his role as co-parent so seriously. Talk to him and make sure he understands that you are correcting the remarks so that Kaylee won't get confused--NOT because you don't think he's a good "dad" to her. If you have a good relationship with your ex, you might talk to him about the situation so that both you and he are giving the same message to Kaylee. Most remarks don't have to be dealt with in any way..."What a nice looking family!" doesn't require any further explanation obviously but remarks about daddy's hair or eyes don't either IF Kaylee hasn't heard them and they come from complete strangers in passing. Someone you've just met or strike up a conversation with when Kaylee is with you...that's harder. "She sure does have the same eyes and isn't that ironic since he's her step dad and not her biological father!" maybe followed up by "I guess I have always been attracted to good looking men with deep blue eyes!" or something like that...whatever you're most comfortable with AND that doesn't threaten your SO! Personally, I think it's very important to keep his feelings in mind when you decide how to deal with it....but that's JMO. It is a difficult situation but I am sure that you'll be able to figure out a way to handle things that works.
Keep us posted on how things work out!
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  #3  
June 17th, 2008, 10:38 AM
berryblessed
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Personally I think y'all are handling it as well as a situation can be handled! I don't think y'all should have to point out to every stranger that you come across that he's not her father, that would be uncomfortable for you and them. My DSD is 5 almost 6 and she has handled this on her own with me; her step mom. She calls me by my first name, but when we are out in public and people refer to me as her mom she doesn't correct them, ever, she just smiles and nods. I don't know how things are done at her moms house but we just leave it alone for now. No need in pointing it out to every stranger. DSD knows who her parents are and she knows her step parents roles
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  #4  
June 17th, 2008, 11:19 AM
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 9,058
Welcome!

We had this happen once when my DH & I were early in our relationship. I can't remember all the circumstances but a woman made a comment about our child & we somehow said she wasn't ours together... (can't remember exactly) but anyhow, she proceeded to look at DH who was holding MY dd & say Yes, I can see the resemblance - she's definitely your daughter I started laughing & said "no she's my daugther".

For us it was short lived. DD's bio dad hasn't been in the picture much & looks to be leaving completely now. DD was 2 1/2 when I met DH & was 3 when we got married. She started calling him Stepdaddy which then progressed to Daddy Bryan & Daddy for her bio dad. Then it became Daddy Bryan & Daddy Sam. As her bio dad caused more & more problems, she changed it to Daddy & Daddy Sam. Now we are hoping that DH can adopt her soon. She is 6 and wants this more than anything.

In our case, despite the fact that biologically & legally DH isn't her daddy, in every other aspect he is. So if people say something, we just say yup!

This blended thing isn't easy! But I agree with Berryblessed. You don't need to explain to every person.
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  #5  
June 17th, 2008, 01:10 PM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2007
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Welcome Jessica, I am one of the co-hosts here on Blended Families. I am a step-mom & a bio-mom & me & DH have 2 kids together, we blended on both ends.

I always hear "your children look just like their father"... meanwhile, my DS (from my ex) look's just like his bio-dad, no possible. We just go about our business & let the comment be. ITA from berryblessed's POV that you don't need to point things out, the kids know who's their parents & moving forward telling people or making things an issue, is just that, making is more of an issue than you should. I'd just let the comment slide, JMO.


HIH, GL & again, welcome
~C
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  #6  
June 19th, 2008, 12:58 PM
Jessikaylee22's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Maryland
Posts: 653
Thank you everyone for the advice! It can just get a little bit uncomfortable at times but, I tend to agree that correcting strangers would make the situation 10 times more akward. I know Kaylee knows who her Daddy is and who "Deeah" is but, I could still see comments/questions confusing her sometimes. We had one check out lady at the grocery store just keep saying "are you a daddy's girl? You look like you love yoru daddy?" over and over again when BF was playing with her. Neither of us had any idea how to react...I just said that no shes a mommy's girl

Oh well hopefully as she gets older people will stop assuming..and probably less likely to approach us in public.
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<span style="color:#DDA0DD">Kaylee Elizabeth 7/17/06
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  #7  
June 26th, 2008, 08:43 PM
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Goose Creek, SC
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Welcome. I am Gina and I am blended on both sides as well. Both DH and I have 8 year old sons from previous marriages that we both have custody of and we have a son together who will be 2 in August. I agree with Berryblessed and Chantelle. I don't think it is necessary to point it out to anyone. We would try to correct people at first but only after DH's son would say something to them about me not being his mom. Now Alex lets it slide because he knows who is who and that I am not trying to take her place.
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