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Hey there ladies! I just wanted to introduce myself. I am discovering more and more boards daily that I would love to be a part of... I just need a lot more time in the day. I thought this board may help me out some.... and I may be able to give a little back.
I am Gwyn and DH is Chris. Chris has Christian from a previous marraige. Christian lives with us full time. We also have 2 daughters together. Christian and I hit it off when Chris first introduced him to me. We used to play video games together, and soccer and all kinds of things. When I got preggo with Gabby (my 2 year old) our hanging out started getting less and less. Once she was born, we basically never did anything together. I don't blame him... I blame myself 100%..... And then Alina came alone (8 month old)... and he has become a very disrespectful boy to me! I don't know if it is because he is crying out for attention, or if he does not want me in his life.... I just don't know... and it kills me! I love him like my own! Anyone in a similar situation? I wish I had time to spend with him like i used too... it just seems like everytime he and I go to do something, one of the girls need me; and when we try again, he says "well, I am going to bed" or "I have homework to do"....
I am Holly (29) and I am married to Scott (34) and he is an EMT. I am mom to Marissa (12), Jonathan (10) & Cody (5). We live in Ohio. Marissa & Jonathan are mine from previous relationships but Scott has raised them since they were 2.5 and 7 months old.
Yes we sometimes go through similar situations. Cody is a special-needs child and requires a little bit more attention and care than a normal 5 year old. Sometimes when I get the chance to spend some time with JJ, he pushes me away. And then gets in trouble because that is his way of trying to get attention from Scott & me. If his bio dad and soon-to-be stepmom wasn't so wonderful, I think things would be even worse. Currently he is with them till the end of the month.
I hope you like this board and everything JM has to offer! I know I do!
Thank you KimberlyD0 for my absolutely beautiful siggy!
Welcome Gwyn, I am Chantelle, one of the co-hosts here on Blended Families, I am a step mom & bio mom, my DH & I had children together but brought children of our own into the marriage prior.
What you are experiencing is normal. And what you said "you blame yourself 100%"...you already answered your own question on "why" he's acting out. He's lonely & been replaced & you don't have the same amount of time for him anymore.
The answer(s) are simple but hard to follow-through. It's time that you spend more 1 on 1 time w/ your DSS, you have to do it & before things get out of control. He's crying out for attention because he cannot articulate to you how upset & angry he is that he's no longer the center of attention. This happened w/ my own bio-son & I finally brought him to therapy & my eyes were then opened to the obvious. My DS always got all the attention, then our babies came into the picture & that is why he was upset, no longer was he the center & it was my fault, not his. He obviously can't change having additional siblings but not having the attention he USED to get & now that the babies are around, he doesn't get barely any attention. He's crying out & it's in flashing lights obvious.
I'd recommend spending more 1 on 1 time w/ him & if at all possible, seek family counseling. I've BTDT & it's helpful, it can't hurt anything, right?
If there is any way for you to get a few hours with your DSS alone, I would take him somewhere and just talk to him. tell him you miss having time together with just him. Maybe say something like "I really miss those times when we used to do things together. Do you remember when we went _____? That was so much fun! I know right now we don't get to do many of those things but there are other things we can do like play a game while the babies are napping or watch a movie together. And I really do love the way you help me with them. I'm so glad I have you and I love you." Kids NEED to hear they are loved and that you, too miss spending time with them. Right now, he's feeling replaced. He is also probably feeling that he is not a part of your "real" family. I was adopted by my dad when I was 3. Because I was so young, I didn't remember him NOT being my dad! When I was 9, I overheard my mom talking to a friend and saying "When I was married to Dani's dad...." I stopped her and said "You and daddy aren't married?" She said "Silly, he's not your real father!" I was stunned! To me, that explained all those times I felt that they favored my siblings.I was the oustider! I was the piece of the puzzle that didn't belong. It hurt me so deeply that I have never forgotten it or frankly, gotten over it completely. Your DSS knows he is the odd man out. Imagine feeling powerless to hold on to the people you love most in the world! In his eyes, you're slipping away from him and he doesn't know how to hold on to you. Let him know he is loved and wanted every bit as much as he ever was and that he is a very important part of your family. We all need to feel valued. He's lashing out just as you would to your husband if he started spending all his time with someone else. He's angry that he's been replaced and he blames you--after all, you are the one who got pregnant and had the babies! Let him know in no uncertain terms that he has not been replaced and that his spot in the family is his for life and it's a very important spot! Let him know you love him and that YOU KNOW you've not been spending time with him and that YOU miss it. See if DH can watch the girls one Saturday afternoon and spend some time mending those fences. Maybe make that a once a month "date" for him and you to go do something. You can talk about it the rest of the month..."What should we do on our day off this month?" "Oh that might be a fun thing for our 'date' this month!" Mark the date on the calendar and NO MATTER WHAT don't cancel it! HE can cancel, YOU can not! Let him hear you turn down plans for that Saturday. "Oh, I would love to go with you but that's my day with Christian so I'll have to pass." That way he sees that this is something very important to you.
I hope this helps...let us know how things go!