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OK so my daughter's SD is a total loser. First of all, we met when he was 19. He had a paper route back then. No biggy. He lived with his mom still. We dated for a while, I got pregnant, he decided he wasn't ready. You know how the story goes. He is now 33 years old ( believe)...we dated early 1995 and it's now 2008.
He still has the paper route That is his ONLY job. He says he can't work a regular job because of his diabetes, high blood pressure yadda yadda yadda. Umm excuse me but my DH is diabetic AND has had TWO TIA's and has a job.
Obviously he is making enough because child support was just tripled. Take that loser!
Scott (my DH) came into her life when she was 2.5 years old. He has been there the entire time for her. Also for Jonathan. And CJ joined a few years later.
At best, his involvement with her has been sporadic. And for the last 4.5 years he has lived only TWO miles from us!
Recently she went over there for the weekend. Now they don't want to deal with her "attitude." Umm she is 12, a preteen. Attitude comes with the age. So just like her infant and toddler years, he wants to miss out on the teen years? ##### idiot!
I should also add she has a stepmom and 2 brothers over there. She HATES her stepmom, though I have always tried to encourage her to try and like her.
Soooo today she was on messenger with her brother. He starts bragging about how they are going swimming today, they are going to the zoo and to the county fair. Well Marissa has spent ALL week swimming with my IL's, we are going to the zoo on Monday and the kiddos are going to the fair with my IL's. I don't see the point in him trying to one-up her but whatever. She signed off after the next incident........
But then her SD gets on and tells her that we better not go to the zoo on the same day as them, as it won't be "pretty." I don't know what he means by that buuuut I can tell you my DH works for his company at the zoo. They have the first aid contract with them. So the zoo employees know my DH. I don't think they would hesitate to throw the SD and his family out for causing a scene. But what gives him the idea to make this type of threat to his 12 y/o daughter?!?
I have been nothing but nice to this man and he treats Marissa like dirt. We do not have any type of visitation set up. He has never taken me to court for it. So the times he does see her, I let him take her.
His wife says I am taking "her" money in child support but the stupid bia has never worked a day in her life!
I just don't know how I am supposed to be nice anymore without letting Marissa see how upset I am about this situation. And if I tell Scott, he's going to blow a gasket. Especially finding out the SD made a threat.
Grrrrrr I hate him!
Thank you KimberlyD0 for my absolutely beautiful siggy!
Wow. That is a very sad situation! I am sorry you're going through that with your ex but I guess the thing to keep in mind here is that she doesn't HAVE to see him if that's the way he's going to be. Speaking from experience with my own daughter, having a father who treats you like a second class citizen is not something a teenager needs to be around. For years my ex made my daughter feel like crap about herself. She now decides when and if she wants to see him and he has to live withthe consequences of his actions. Her older brothers want nothing to do with him. My oldest, refers to him as "the sperm donor" and the middle one will dodge his calls for weeks until he finally talks to him for five minutes or so. He'll tell him he's been working...who works 24/7 for five straight weeks? lol
I can't even venture a guess as to why your daughters bio-father would not want to see his child...but then I can't figure out why ANYONE would not want to see their child! As long as he's keeping up with his CS payments, I'd let it go. He's not a big part of your family's life anymore (or ever) and if your DD doesn't want to see him, then I would not make her see him either. Sadly, not seeing him means not getting to see her brothers either. It doesn't sound like you and him have a decent relationship or I would suggest that you reach some sort of compromise that would keep things a little more calm. Who knows what he meant about things not being "pretty" if you saw him at the zoo. Last I checked it was a public place and anyone paying the admission, was free to go.
Sadly for him, if you don't want to "deal with" your child as a child, then they will choose not to "deal with" you as an adult! My ex has found this out. Yours will also. Although serious attitude shouldn't be allowed, yes teenagers are prone to some "testing" that can drive the average parent insane! Won't they both be in for a shock when they find their own little angels turning demonic in just a few years....
I'm afraid I am not much help in this except to assure you that you're not alone. And...they do eventually grow out of their teenaged attitudes and become wonderful young adults. That usually happens about the time the last hair on your head turns gray....
I have tried reaching out to him and his wife but they bite my hand instead. If it weren't for the fact that my daughter WANTS a relationship with him, I wouldn't care.
In June when she had her 5th grade graduation, she invited him to go. He said he was too "busy." Yes it was his son's birthday BUT the party was in the evening and graduation was in the morning. Is he meaning to say the son is more important than her?
She was on IM again with her brother today. The brother asked her why she feels SD hasn't been there for her. He said it's *ME* who prevents the relationship. I call BS on this one because I have saved e-mails I have sent to the SD telling him how much Marissa wants to see him! The brother is only 11 years old and is only going on what SD has told him.
Actually funny thing is child support was tripled but he makes so little money that he is $15 shy a week in the payment. To think I was concerned enough to talk to child support about modifying the amount so those arrearages (sp?) wouldn't add up. I got the paperwork last week. After the episode yesterday I took it off my desk ripped it up and threw it in the trash. I could care less now and welcome next year receiving his tax return so his bia of a wife can tell me again I am taking "her" money. Right now with the increase and how long it took to go into effect (Feb-June), he is about $1200 in the hole to me.
Thank you KimberlyD0 for my absolutely beautiful siggy!
Some people just can't be civilized and do what's right. My ex is the same way--although he hasn't paid CS in almost 3 years. He refuses to work. Hasn't worked in almost 7 years! Prior to that he was making a TON of money--while I was married to him he pulled in 300K per year. He now lives on social security and "loans" from relatives. He's not the same person he used to be by any stretch. He treats my DD like garbage--going so far as to call her a B**** and a slu* and a who** (because she was raped at 13) and telling her she's never going to be more than that. I worked for many years trying to undo the damage he did to her but he would just keep on screwing with her mind until I finally said ENOUGH and stopped her from seeing him for a while. When she decided she wanted to resume the relationship, I gave her permission to not see him if she didn't want to but ...bottom line...that's her daddy. She wanted to make him proud and for him to love her. She has finally realized that he will never be the dad she wants and her stepfather, my husband, has been more of a dad to her during the past 2 years than her own father has been in 16 (her words, not mine) So, she sees him when she wants to and has nothing to do with him 90% of the time. She sees him for what he is now...and your daughter will too when she gets a little older. More than anything else, your job is to let her know over and over again that it is NOT her fault he can't be a good father to her but HIS shortcomings. His loss, not hers. When you think about it, the most important people in a child's world are the parents and siblings. Friends come and go...romantic interests change (frequently!) and even grandparents and aunts and uncles are just not as important to a child as their biological parents are. When a child is rejected by one or both, it sends the message that they are somehow flawed and not worthy of the love and affection they shower on the other children. So even if one parent rejects and the other one completely accepts, they are still being rejected by 50% of the important members of their world. That's hard to overcome! I'm very lucky because my DD is very analytical--as I am--and sees her father for what he is. She understands that he loves her in his own warped way but he is incapable of ever loving anyone "enough" or in a healthy way and she knows that is a flaw with him and not her. Your daughter is very lucky to have you and her stepdad to help her become a healthy, well adjusted woman who can leave the baggage where it belongs--on her father's doorstep. It isn't easy but if you can do it it will be well worth the trouble for both your sakes. Just keep reassuring her that she doesn't deserve to be treated like that and that he has some serious issues that he is trying to make her responsible for but it isn't her fault. She will probably still try to gain his love but she'll be more thankful that she already has yours and your husbands.
Also, some men still believe that having a son is more important than having daughters. To them, it proves they are "manly" and daughters are somehow not important. To me, that just proves how totally insecure about themselves those men are! ANY child is important and should be loved for who they are...not their gender! I feel asorry for people like your ex and mine because they will never know the joy of loving a child completely and unconditionally. they'll never understand how much it means to us to see our children succeed on any level...not just if they are the best of the best but if they're mediocre but do THEIR best. I'd rather have a child who gets straight C's on their report card but is a terrific person in their own right and has good self esteem than to have a child who spends all of his or her time trying to be the best in order to prove themselves worthy of love and attention. That makes for a pretty miserable life in my book!