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I was told we made a blooper


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  #1  
August 28th, 2008, 10:09 PM
Ellemphriem's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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My aunt told me yesterday (she doesn't have children and thinks most women conceive for egotistical reasons....maybe she is right up to a point)......that we made a blooper a big FAT blooper by taking my husbands daughter DSD to her grandparents for 15 days. We had her for a month, so she stayed with us 15 days and then my husband had thought (because of my pregnancy and the fact that i was starting my work the last 15 days) that it would be much easier for me if he took her to his parents so the little one can take proper summer vacation. With us it was most difficult because we are not as 'active' as we used. I had agreed because i need the rest plus the fact that since i would be working i would have a hard time taking care of her plus him plus my pregnant body. Well, we did take her and i started work, but stopped 2 days later with another leave of 15 days due to some issue with the pregnancy (we are still under observation). The doc told me to not work and not be active until we are clear (today we have the repeated testing just to be sure). We could have taken DSD back from her grandparents, but my husband insisted that i rest and he left her there after talking to her and asking how she was doing. She said she loved it and wanted to call her mom and ask for another week. That sounded ok with me. But when i told my aunt she was strict and she told me that we messed up, that this should have NEVER happened, that the kid should have stayed with us through ALL the trouble and that she needs to see her father not her grandparents, and what if i am pregnant and with 'possible' issues? What would have i done if i had my other child was expecting another one and had the same trouble? Would i have left her somewhere to be taken care off.....(PS: My mom and all my family are dead so i have no one from my side, but her and her man). I think that she was right in some points but she was a bit too harsh on some others. Meaning i think i mean i KNOW she is right that the kid needs to see her dad, but her dad was the one that took the decision to help me ease out these vacation.... I don't agree that the child should have stayed with us through all the trouble and be dragged in and out of hospitals when we are all freaking out about the pregnancy when she CAN stay with a more pleasant environment next to the sea (at least for a few days). And i don't know what i would have done if i had my other child (on the way) was pregnant again and had problems How CAN i know???! I am so new to this and so scared.......i think she was partly right and partly wrong, but i felt soooo beaten up by what she said...A pregnancy is a natural state but heck man it isn't easy!!!! Not on everyone at least.....She never had to go through it and it feels unfair to be lashed on like that over something that me and my husband (AND DSD) seem to manage to agree on with our own way......i don't know....... I feel terribly sensitive and sore over this. Her opinion matters soooooo much to me, but sometimes she is over judgemental.......(i know it's always for the best), but right at this point i am so tired of it..........

What do you guys think????

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  #2  
August 29th, 2008, 05:00 AM
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I think it is REALLY easy for someone who isn't a parent to tell you how to parent. I think it is REALLY easy for someone with no step children to tell you how to be a step parent. I think it is REALLY easy for someone who has never been pregnant to tell you how to deal with a pregnancy. I could sit here and tell you all the best ways to deal with all the things that I have not experienced, too. But I am certain you'd take my advice with a grain of salt and move along. That's what you should do with hers as well. She has NO CLUE what it's like to deal with children or pregnancies so for her to PRESUME to tell you how to deal with yours is ridiculous.
I would say something to her about it in a kind way (at first). Tell her that you do appreciate her advice and that you know she is trying to help you but it makes you question yourself and this is something you need to be able to make decisions about without having to second guess yourself. Tell her how much her opinions matter to you and that you love knowing that IF you need advice that she is there to help you but that right now, you need to be able to figure out these things between you and your husband. Also tell her that it is not your place to decide where your DSD spends her vacations and that her grandparents are equally important to her and she to them. Also tell her that having a child around when you're facing emergency situations like you have been is NOT good for you OR the child! Children react differently in situations like that and it would have been very stressful for you and for her if she'd been there while you were going through all of that! The last thing you need in that situation is to be having to worry about someone else's needs--worse yet, another childs! I think most of us would agree that if we were pregnant and facing tests and hospitalizations it would be a TREMENDOUS RELIEF to have someone else we trusted to watch our child and not have to worry about what they were going through! I had a similar experience when I was pregnant with my youngest and I left my two other children with my neighbor so I could do what I needed to do. I needed to focus on my baby and not worry about if the kids had lunch or not or if they were worried about me. I knew they were being well cared for and it was so nice not to have to focus my attention on them when I was fearing for the life of my baby. By your aunt telling you what you should have done and that you did things wrong she is telling you that she doesn't trust you to do what is right and tht like a small child, you need to be corrected. NO FAIR! She has NO IDEA what she would have done in your situation nor should she undermine your decision making abilities by second guessing what you did. Like I said, it is REALLY easy to know the right thing when you're sitting outside a situation. I think you were absolutely right in leaving your DSD with her grandparents. She had a better time than she would have being with you through all of that and you had less stress--which is ALWAYS a good thing when you're pregnant!
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  #3  
August 29th, 2008, 05:26 AM
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THANK YOU ...I doubt myself constantly and i always doubt my ability to handle things correctly. And the last thing i want to do is cause a problem to my husband or his child. Also i don't want to create a hated/cold/distant environment for her in our house. And being told that i totally f@@@ed up is only making my fears worse you know? PLUS i know nothing of the pregnancy staff. Which makes me ignorant --> to learn in more than one things. No wonder i fear even my shadow. And hearing such judgment is not doing me any good. I keep questioning myself and my decisions and if it wasn't for my husband i would have had a very serious issue dealing with what is, what must and what could be I admit it, i am not perfect and upon learning you might make some mistakes......i don't want them to be imprinted on the child...not my mistakes....and when she talks like that i think i have done irreperable damage.....

KWIM????


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  #4  
August 29th, 2008, 11:05 AM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
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First off... no one is perfect & we "ALL" make mistakes, even me. So let's put that out there.

Secondly, you have to relax, you are pregnant & stress isn't a way to go about this. Clearly you are feeling badly & that's enough to have made you learn your lesson in this, however, it was not your lesson to learn, it's your husbands.

The child (your step-child) should be w/ whom ever the other bio-parent expected the child to be w/ period, and "if" the child needed to be under any one's supervision other than the other bio-parent (in this case Dad), then the mother should have been notified immediately that this was an issue, and here are the options. Either bring the child back to bio-mom or allow the mom to know that the child is there & make sure mom approves. That didn't happen so that's why this was wrong. I would be furious if I found out that my child was somewhere other than w/ his bio-dad when I send him w/ his bio-dad & he has done that in the past & we've had this same discussion that "if" he cannot watch the child (on the few days that he sees him in a month) then he needs to let me know & I'll keep him home or he can tell me that someone else (like his brother & nephew will be babysitting) & I'd be okay w/ that idea. But I need to have that option ahead of the game, not after the fact & certainly not assumed that it would be okay.

Keep in mind, although you are going through a pregnancy, this is not your step-child's problem, the child didn't ask for another sibling or parent (i.e, step-parent), so remember that. Not saying that in a mean sense but the child shouldn't have to pay for adult issues that don't involve them, and in this case, left in another person's care. ITA that it's the wrong thing to do, but again, it's not your problem or your fault. Could you have "thought" it "might" be a bad idea & mention it to your DH? Sure... be even at that, your DH made the final decision to bring his child elsewhere to stay, not you. He will have to answer to the reasons "why" this happened, not you. And even if you suggested that the child stay w/ someone else (in which case you didn't), the person ultimately in charge of how things are played out is your DH. That's that.

Try to keep yourself removed from blame & make a personal note in your head that moving forward, that's not the best choice. Making a mental notation & letting your DH know your thoughts of possible issues that could be avoided, might sway his thinking, or not, if not, at least you said what you thought was right & that's for him to deal w/, not you.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Okie Dokie?

(((HUGS)))
~C
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  #5  
August 29th, 2008, 12:13 PM
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My opinion is your aunt should mind her own business. Lots of kids spend vacations with their grandparents. It's good for them! I was so close to my grandmother that I named my daughter after her!

You did nothing wrong! It was the best thing for you & your DSD is happy! I fail to see what's wrong!
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  #6  
August 29th, 2008, 07:44 PM
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I agree that vacations with grandparents is a good thing however, I think that half of the visitation time is WWAAYYY too much time to be with grandparents and not dad. I also would be very upset if my ex sent our sons to stay with someone else during his visitation time. A few nights/days is one thing but over 2 weeks is along time IMO. Your aunt should not be so harsh and you should not let her hurt you.

I guess my thinking is your DSD (even though she loved being with her gparents) is going to feel like she is already being pushed to the side because of the new baby. ITA that this was your DH's decision and you should not beat yourself up over it. Sometimes in a divorce family, the bio gparents get too much time with their grandkids and take it from me and my personal experience this will do nothing but cause you lots and lots of headaches in the future. Trust me DH and I made our fair share of mistakes when we were new to the blended family situation.

GL! Pregnancy is a very normal state but you can cause "issues" by allowing people to stress you out!
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  #7  
August 30th, 2008, 03:50 PM
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My thoughts exactly Alisha.

Try not to let your Aunt get to you.
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  #8  
August 31st, 2008, 07:58 AM
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Under "normal" circumstances, I would agree that the child spending half of her time reserved for dad is not good but given that you were going through some seriously traumatic things concerning your pregnancy and--reading between the lines--the stress of possibly losing the baby, I think leaving her with the grandparents was perfectly acceptable until you were out of the woods, so to speak. Many of us know how difficult it is when you're faced with something major and still have to maintain a facade for a child. If you've not been through the possibility of losing a child, take it from someone who has lost 5--you do NOT want to be around an impressionable child when you're going through that! I do agree that the bio-mom should have been notified of the circumstances but Ellemphrium didn't say (at least I didn't read) that she had not been. It was the husband's decision to take her there to begin with and although I suspect it was more to shelter Ellemphrium than to give the child a better vacation, it is his call none the less. Also, it isn't like this is the ONLY time they get with the child.
All of us know how hard it is to bond with a stepchild. It's a forced relationship and under the best of circumstances, not easy. Not many of us have a fairytale relationship with our stepchildren and I for one would have been right there saying "Yes, let her spend a while with grandma and grandpa" if I'd been in her situation. It also wasn't completely clear to me if the child was supposed to spend the entire 2 weeks with the grandparents or if it just worked out that way because of the issues with the pregnancy. With "Elle" starting work, who would have been watching the child? I know when I was pregnant with my second child I worked for the first few months and all I ever did was sleep and work. I'd come home exhausted and nap for a while on the sofa, then cook dinner, eat and go to bed! I had NO TIME to spend with my oldest child except on the weekends because I was just so tired all the time. And I LOVED that child! I can't imagine having to deal with a child that I really hadn't bonded with during all of that. Some of you have been through that experience and can relate better but be honest. Wouldn't you have rather not had to deal with your DH's child when you felt like that? Yeah, I would DEFINITELY have taken the easier road and I think the aunt giving her a hard time about a decision that wasn't hers to begin with but she agreed with is just wrong.
As I said, it is real easy to give opinions and advice from outside of a given situation especially one you've never been faced with. I don't think the child is going to feel like she was being pushed out of the way since she obviously said she had a wonderful time and wanted more! She'll have wonderful memories from this summer...instead of bad ones of being "in the way" while her stepmom went through hospital visits and doctor's appointments and a lot of stuff she couldn't possibly understand until she is much older.
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  #9  
August 31st, 2008, 11:32 PM
Ellemphriem's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Hi sorry for being late to answer but since the first problem another one arose with the pregnancy. I spotted brown on Friday and it freaked me out totally The doc said it wasn't related with the previous issue. I went to take tests and u/s and they showed the baby was developing very well and that the blood dripping didn't seem connected with the pregnancy. They said maybe a small polyp, a blood vessel bursting due to hormonal reasons or just inflammed or irritated cervix. Nonetheless it was scary as hell. Thank GOD it happened when i was at the doctors office. I mean how lucky (inside my unluckiness) could that have been hey??? I read all ur input and thank you guys so much. I knew before hand that there would be two sides as in every coin. I just wanted to clear up two things. The first is that the mom always knows where the kid is, and this time of course she knew he kid was going to spent 15 days in her grandparents and she was informed from the kid herself She had never had a problem with that....well at least she never said so. And i really think that the grandparents are very important to the kid as the kid to the grandparents. In other vacations we went with the kid and we all stayed in the granpa's house so the kid could see them also. But this summer due to me being pregnant it was not a good idea to go 3 hours away from the city in a foreign house without having everything i need around me. 2 occasions where i needed hospital arose within those 15 days. It thankfully proved (for now) to be nothing so serious, but if i was away that would have been really hard. As for what 'fortheloveofTori' said, Thank you, you understand me so well. It would have been terribly hard for me to have the poor child around to drag in and out of hospitals when i am so freaking that i might loose a pregnancy, and indeed i think my husband did that for me and i love and respect him for it He is a tender and caring man not only to me but also to his daughter. And of course everything he does is already taken care off before hand. The kid got back to us, stayed a little while and then we took her to her mom. She was happy, calm and tender. She didn't seem bothered or nasty about anything. She kissed my belly when she left and told me to take care of her sister. I wanted to eat her alive at that point and i cannot wait to see her again in 2 weeks time.......

Not everything is the same or easy....thank you for everything HUGS .......


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  #10  
September 1st, 2008, 08:10 PM
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I will be the first to apologize for the misunderstanding that bio-mom didn't know the child was spending so much of her visitation with her grandparents. I had a very difficult pregnancy with my and DH's first child together. As a matter of fact, he had a twin that I lost early in pregnancy. We thought that I had miscarried completely only to find out on ultrasound that there was still a baby. I continued to spot/bleed for the first 3 months which like you they believed was not connected to the pregnancy but cervical bleeding. Anyhow, I know how incredibly hard it is to go through a difficult pregnancy. When I was pg with DS, I had a 5 year old and two 2 year olds every other week. It was very hard. Luckily, we lived close enough that we could just drop them off at the other bio parents house for our many,many trips to the hospital during those horrific 3 months.

I am very glad to hear that your baby is growing beautifully! Congrats to you and DH. I agree that every situation is different and we all handle things differently! I am just personally opposed to my children spending my visitation time with others even grandparents!!

We still have major issues with DH's parents treating our kids very differently. My MIL acts as though she only has 1 granddaughter (my DSD) even though DH and I have a daughter together. It is really sad and it all stems from them having WAY too much time and authority with DSD after DH got divorced and up until DSD was about 2 years old. I hope that you never, ever have problems like this with your inlaws.

I think that it is precious that she kissed your belly and that there is absolutely no hard feelings. Even your IL's are anything like mine she was probably very spoiled during her visit!!
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  #11  
September 1st, 2008, 10:38 PM
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Hi there, no need for an apology , you said nothing wrong but expressed your personal opinion. I am so sorry you had a difficult pregnancy I know how it feels to be threatened even if some of that is in our own minds (well in my case at least). My IL's are very good people but they are becoming fragile slowly with time. MIL cannot see very well due to cataract and FIL cannot walk very well due to hip problems. They both need an operation but none is taking the step to go do it That's not good. They adore their little princess DSD ...hehe and spoil her to death when she visits. That is why when i was not pregnant we spent a lot of our vacation with them, so they could get to see her. MIL cooks anything she asks and always fresh fish and so on and so forth. When the kid talked to us just before my husband went to get her she said 'I want to talk to mommy. I will ask one more week with granpa and granma and one more week with you guys...' hahaha......my husband said 'You sure? Ok, go ahead and ask, no prob with us'. She did but the answer was no, which was justified since she has to start preparing for the next school year properly. But she was funny. She also asked me when she can decide were she wants to live...... WTH??? I said what do you mean honey? She said maybe i want to come stay with you guys, when can i decide it? I explained that she can decide that after she is 17 and by then many things will change and she will have her college to think about and her boyfriend and all of that. She smiled but you know what? I really think she means it..... I would love to have her and i know my hubby will also, but i cannot help but wonder why......

I need to find a way to talk to her about that, ask why.....

Thanks for everything.......

PS: Did your pregnancy go well after those 3 months? Did you deliver well? If it is too personal sorry, but you know i am grabbing on straws here ........
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  #12  
September 2nd, 2008, 07:35 AM
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Quote:
PS: Did your pregnancy go well after those 3 months? Did you deliver well? If it is too personal sorry, but you know i am grabbing on straws here ........[/b]

My pregnancy got very, very easy after 3 months of heck!! I had a scheduled C-section because my previous son was breech and had to be born by section and at that time VBAC was not common around here = ( He was a very healthy baby. I know how scary it is to worry everyday that something is going to go wrong. I hope and pray that everything gets easier for you.

As for you DSD asking about when she can choose where she lives, this is a question that we get very often from my DSD. Around here the age is 12 years old and that is what we tell her. She lived with us primarily until 1 year ago. She is having a very hard time with this and really wants to live here. In the summer she would cry not to go to her mom's for a week after being here 2 weeks and not seeing her mom that whole time. It is heart breaking to know that she wants to be here so badly. We have a very child-oriented home where her mom is very selfish and spends very little to no time with DSD. She has actually hired someone to do DSD's homework with her every afternoon. This makes me sick. She has one child and cannot manage to do homework with her. Her mom works for a promotions company and spends 5 out of 7 nights in bars/events. DH and I struggle with this everyday. She can take DH back to court in a year to raise child support, we are going to ask for custody at that time and hope that the judge will talk to DSD about what she wants even though she will only be 8 at that time.
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  #13  
September 2nd, 2008, 11:03 PM
Ellemphriem's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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She has actually hired someone to do DSD's homework with her every afternoon. This makes me sick. She has one child and cannot manage to do homework with her. Her mom works for a promotions company and spends 5 out of 7 nights in bars/events.[/b]

Oh dear, that is so sad. DSD mommy is working full time and then some and comes home very late. The kid always tells me that she doesn't see her mom very much and she wants to see her more She helps around the house *which explains how much she helps in ours* exactly because she wants her mom to come find the kitchen clean and the bed made, but she spends most of her time with her granma (the other granma). maybe that is why she wants to spend more time here??? She misses BOTH parents for different reasons i think. In our country she can decide when she is 13 BUT and here is the glitch of the situation. The mom can take us to court for the child's decision and offend it. That means that the court procedures could take up to 4 years.....meaning we end up having her legally at 17 That is why i prepare her for later. Because i know her mom won't come to accept such a decision so easily...which according to me is ALSO justified ....i don't know. It is hard to see her like that and not be able to do anything about it.

As for your pregnancy thank God. Maybe i was too sensitive to my own feelings or something, but sometimes i think i overdo it with what i 'feel' here and there. I am so new to this. I just hope this all ends well, and when the times comes IF God allows us to have another kid, then my reactions will be much easier

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  #14  
September 3rd, 2008, 05:58 PM
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First pregnancies are so hard but if there are any problems it makes them so much more difficult! I know that everything will go well for you.

That is sad that your DSD spends more time with a grandma than either parent. Your DH's ex sounds very much like my DH's!! She is so much more worried about her career then raising a child!
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