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Oh Gina! I'm so sorry! What are you going to do? I can only imagine what that must have been like for you to hear. The question that all of us dreaded since the first day of our divorce. My DD has thrown that on me a couple of times when she was angry--even though both of us knew it was an empty threat--but never for real. How old is he? Most likely he isn't thinking this through because then he would not see you very often and we all know that would be hard on him. Have you talked to your ex? How far away does he live? Maybe if your son saw him a couple of times a week it would be a little easier on him to deal with not having him there 24/7?
You're in my prayers, hon. I'm here if you need a shoulder.
I don't know. He will be 9 October 2nd. I do not want him at his dad's house. His dad is not a very nice person. He thinks he does no wrong, he is racist, he is an ex con and still blames my family for him going to prison. DS does not realize that his dad is not able to participate in certain things that other kids parents can because of his jail time (coaching, Halloween, etc). I can't explain that to him, not yet. His dad is a manipulator and will tell people things in order to get his way, so I am almost positive that he is ochestrating this whole fiasco. BTW DS just came back a couple of hours ago if that means anything. He lives about 40 miles away, about an hour. And he has started working a real job starting a few months ago so he will not be able to come visit him at school often and he hasn't made it to any of his football practices either.
I can't talk to my ex because he takes things like this as me not being able to "handle" DS and that if I can't do it then I should just let him have him. I have not done anything to him or kept him from seeing DS at all so I can't see his reasoning in wanting to turn him against me but if he gets him full time I KNOW for a fact it will do that. He is starting it already I just can't prove it. See, XH's BM left them when he was 5. His dad (DS's grandaddy) got remarried and I think that my XH still has mommy issues.
Gina, I think you're right. I speak from experience that fathers (and mothers in some cases) can and WILL manipulate their children to "punish" the other parent. I think we've all seen that scenario. Since he is an ex con, I doubt that the courts would award him custody even if he asked for it. Your ex is probably pulling that "Mommy has other kids and a husband and I have nobody" crap. TOUGH! Sit your son down and tell him that right now, it just isn't possible for him to live with his dad. Tell him you understand that he misses him and he is welcome to call him anytime he wants to talk to him but he can't live there. Since he is so far away and he can't pick him up during the week and maybe take him for dinner, maybe give him and extra day to visit for now. Obviously, your home is a better environment for your son and anyone looking at the situation would see that. Is his dad still on parole or still doing things that might land him in jail again?
When my ex and I divorced, we agreed not to badmouth each other to the kids. It was and still is something I feel very strongly about. My ex however, doesn't feel that strongly. As soon as it became apparent that I would NOT come crawling back to him, he began telling the children that the reason we got divorced was because I had cheated on him with several different men. Also that I was involved in drugs. My son--14 at the time--came to me one night and asked if we could talk. I said "SURE!" and he asked me if I was STILL doing drugs! I told him I don't do drugs and where would he get the idea that I do? He said well that's not what dad said! After pressing him a bit, he finally told me all of the things his father had said to them. He also BEGGED me not to tell dad that he had told me! I said BS! This is going to stop NOW! and promptly got on the phone and had it out with my ex. He still to this day claims that I cheated on him and that he THOUGHT I was doing drugs. My kids know me better and they KNOW I would never cheat on ANYONE even their sorry a**hole father! I've explained my feeling about cheating to them and told them it is something I feel very strongly about--if you want to cheat you need to get out BEFORE you do and if you don't want to get out then you just do not cheat! This was just his way of getting back at me and making me less in the children's eyes. It backfired miserably on him as two of my three kids want nothing to do with him and the third is fast approaching that mentality.
What you're facing is a very difficult situation and you might do well to contact a child counselor and take him in for a few sessions just to see why he is suddenly asking for this. The counselor can also help you to show him that your home would be a much better place for him. They can also help you to work through this as well as this has got to be a tremendously painful things to have him tell you!
We're all here for you...
Is his dad still on parole or still doing things that might land him in jail again?[/b]
He has been out of prison since 2003. He is remarried and until recently "owned" his own business. Basically he uses the business so that he doesn't have to get a real job (I only say it this way because he is a slacker not that I think legitimate business owners don't have real jobs). He gets to see DS pretty much when he wants. If it is his weekend and they don't have school on Monday, he is allowed to keep him an extra day. He picks him up at 3pm on Fridays and brings him home at 6pm on Sundays (or Mondays if it is a holiday). He gets him alternating holidays except for Halloween because he can't take him trick or treating. If something comes up that he wants him for something specific on a weekend that isn't his I will trade weekends with no problems. I think, out of the 5 years that we have been divorced, I have only said no maybe 4 times tops. And they were all for legitimate reasons, not just because I didn't want him to have him. He can call anytime he wants to talk to him provided it is prior to DS's bedtime and not while he is doing homework. And DS is allowed to call him whenever also. So I really don't see his motive here other than he wants things his way and right now he has no say. I have FULL custody of DS.
Gina I am sorry =( I have heard those words but my ex is very different from yours so I am sure the sting was not quite what you felt. It really sounds to me like your ex is having inappropriate conversations with your DS. I am sorry that you are going through this. I bet he will not mention it again until he goes to dad's for another visit. Just explain to him that it was decided that your home was the best for him and that the people who made that decision really wants what is best for him (if it does come up again). I would let him know that you are happy that he has such a good time at his dad's but your house is where it was decided he would live. I really think that this will all pass and your ex will give up.
Wow... I am SS that this has come up. If it makes you feel any better. My son has said that before. I am not sure your son TRULY understands what it means for him to live w/ his dad on a full time basis. Has he expressed other feelings as to why other than he doesn't see his dad that much? Is there a way he can spend more time w/ his father w/ out leaving your home? Just cause a child wants to go somewhere else, doesn't necessarily mean that's the best interest of the child/situation. Not sure what you are planning on doing, what your legal agreement states or what your ex even wants to do, but being that you are the mother I would "assume" that the child stays w/ you & continues unless there is some estranged reason.
What else is going on? Your statement is so sad yet brief so I am not sure what advice I can give you or what in particular you are asking. Maybe you're not asking, maybe you are just venting or haven't heard that before & you are distraught (which I would be too). Either way, if there is anything I can do, PM me please.
You say he gets him alternating holidays except for Halloween because he can't take him trick or treating.
If you don't want to answer this PLEASE feel free to ignore the question but it really struck me as odd that you mentioned that. Why can't he take him trick or treating? What was he in prison for--again, if you don't want to answer don't. It really isn't any of my business but I was curious.
ITA with the other posters that he belongs with you and this is your ex's doing. What is his new wife like? Does she have any children? Could she be wanting him there also just to fulfill some maternal instincts that are yet unfulfilled? When you talk to your DS about this, I would not show any emotions about the prospect of having him live with his dad. Most likely, his father is going to ask him about it annd want to knwo your reaction. If he knows he's getting to you, he'll be more likely to keep pressuring your DS to continue to mention it to you. He sounds vindictive enough to do soemthing like that. If he gets the impression that you didn't take your son seriously or that it didn't really worry you, he may change his tactics and the whole idea will just blow away.
We're all here for you and praying for you.
I am so sorry that you are having to deal with that. I can not even imagine how painful him saying that was. Thankfully I do not have to deal with that because Sadie doesn't have a relationship with her BF. The closest that we ever came was when I was told that grandma was nicer and that she wanted to live with her...I told her well too bad and you live with me. I however do not think that is the right answer for your DS.
Has he said anything else about it since that first conversation? Maybe he was just happy to be there and was having a good time.
I hope things are going ok and please update if you have one.
If you wanna talk please PM me anytime.
Thank you ~* Helen *~ for the best all about me siggie! You are absolutely fabulous!
Dani, I don't mind telling you at all My ex is an idiot. He is a registered sex offender (The reason we are not together) and in SC all sex offenders have a curfew on Halloween. They are not allowed to pass out candy or be out at all. The local police will do checks too, but they (the offenders) don't know who or when will get checked. His wife is alright. She is 25 and has no kids of her own. She will talk occasionally like she knows my son better than me which irks me but oh well, he is mine and I am not going anywhere. She claims that she raised her brother who is 19 now.
He has not mentioned anything else at all since that night. Thank goodness.
Well let's hope that was just a passing thought on your DS's part and that he has since put the idea behind him. I can certainly understand your not wanting to tell your DS about your ex now. I can't imagine how you're going to eventually tell him...or have you decided against that altogether? I think that if your son does bring up the subject of moving in with his dad again, you might just sit him down and tell him that "for reasons you are far too young to understand, I can not allow that to happen. You live with me and although you can talk to your dad whenever you want to and see him whenever you can, I have made my decision on this and it is not negotiable." This shuts down any further discussions on the subject and in a way, leaves the door open so that someday you CAN tell him about his father and shows that you weren't really trying to keep things from him but that you knew he would someday want to know and you had decided to tell him when the time was right. This presumes that someday you will tell him. If you've decided NOT to tell him, then don't even suggest that there is a reason other than you think your home is the best possible place for him...PERIOD.
I sincerely hope your son has rethought his idea of moving in with his father and that he doesn't bring it up any more. But, chances are he will--either as he gets a little older or even when he gets mad at you for whatever reason. Either way, you need to think of a way to put an end to the subject so it doesn't continue to be an issue. Kids seem to know instinctively just what to say that will hurt us the most and that is definitely one of those buttons! Once they understand that there is no room for discussion on the subject and that you won't allow it to happen, they usually move on to something else.
I sincerely hope your son has rethought his idea of moving in with his father and that he doesn't bring it up any more. But, chances are he will--either as he gets a little older or even when he gets mad at you for whatever reason. Either way, you need to think of a way to put an end to the subject so it doesn't continue to be an issue. Kids seem to know instinctively just what to say that will hurt us the most and that is definitely one of those buttons! Once they understand that there is no room for discussion on the subject and that you won't allow it to happen, they usually move on to something else.[/b]
I wish I could think of a way to put an end to it but his dad keeps telling him about how when he turns 13 that he can choose where he lives. I don't think it works that way though. I don't think it would be THAT easy for a child to change custody.