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  #1  
September 8th, 2008, 05:09 AM
JustBecca's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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ME: If I am willing to come up with the money will you sign adoption papers? I am tired of all of this.


Him (2 months later): Not to sound like I'm heartless and mainly not to sound like I don't want to have a relationship with my daughter, but maybe it would be for the best if I did sign the papers, it would save all of us alot of stress and headaches, so to answer your question "Yes I will sign."

Sadie please remember "Iwill always love you!"

Troy


I love this email so now I am saving my pennies!!!!!
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  #2  
September 8th, 2008, 07:06 AM
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Woohoooo!!!!!!!

I am so happy for you!!!!!!

We're in the process of doing this now! I found a wonderful lawyer that charges a flat rate fee. Ours cost $1,200.

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  #3  
September 8th, 2008, 07:42 PM
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I'm glad that you got the answer that you wanted! Congrats!
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  #4  
September 8th, 2008, 08:31 PM
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I am glad that you got the answer you wanted but I have to admit I am kind of saddened by it. Especially the "Sadie please remember "Iwill always love you!"" part I know that he hasn't been a father to her but it still makes me sad.
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  #5  
September 8th, 2008, 08:48 PM
JustBecca's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I am the one that is going to sound heartless but I am not the least bit sad about it. He has done some really awful things in the last 2 years. From hurting her over and over again, when they did talk it was all about the son that he takes care of and not her and what is going on in her life and even telling her that he didn't like me and that is why he wanted nothing to do with her for 7 years.
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  #6  
September 9th, 2008, 03:48 AM
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I'm so glad that he is doing this. I don't understand it, but I am glad that he is anyway. I'll never understand how any parent can turn their back on their child but Lord knows it happens all the time. She'll be so much better off without someone like that in her life. I just pray that she understands it when she is older.
As for his last statement about always loving her? BS! If he loved her, he could never do what he has done to her OR give up his rights. He would do right by her and take care of her properly and not treat her as though she were something disposable. He'd see her as often as possible and make sure she never went without. There would be phone calls and letters and birthday presents and all the rest.
I hope you're able to save the money soon and get this done. I WISH I had that option with my ex. With Tori turning 17 this month, it seems kind of silly to even consider. But...that's what I wish anyway.
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  #7  
September 9th, 2008, 07:55 AM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
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WOOOOOO HOOOOOO!!!!! That's great news! So happy to hear that he's doing that & from the past of it all, it's best for everyone involved.

Now sometimes I don't always say "woo-hoo" to a man/woman wanting to give up their rights & allow someone else to adopt their child, but in cases like yours (and others on this board) ITA that it's the right thing & having both parties agree to this is fantastic. Sometimes it's just the way it is. Some people aren't meant to be an active role or parent, it takes a REAL person to be a parent, play an active roll in someone's life, and if they aren't making those efforts & not paying CS & making things miserable for everyone involved, especially the child, then it's right. Do I understand how ANYONE can turn their back on a child? No, I do not... I have a bio-dad whom I've never met, I've talk too him on the phone, have pix of him & 1 letter, other than that, nothing. He's nothing to me. In situations that people aren't committed to being a parent & the parent that has the child in their custody full time & they don't want the CS or the CS makes no sense or the other parent can't pay CS (for what ever excuse that may be on their behalf) I think it makes total sense & since Sadie has a person in her life (male role model) who loves & cares for her, then it's great. She can't lose. He is going to lose (bio-dad) & one day he'll realize what he missed out on & it will be his problem. Perhaps one day Sadie will come out & ask him why & once again, he'll have to answer to HER... his problem, and I can guarantee that no excuse is going to justify his behavior in her eyes. It wouldn't for me.

Less stress & less fights. I'm so happy this is working out for you!



Go celebrate....
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  #8  
September 9th, 2008, 08:10 AM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
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Quote:
I am glad that you got the answer you wanted but I have to admit I am kind of saddened by it. Especially the "Sadie please remember "Iwill always love you!"" part I know that he hasn't been a father to her but it still makes me sad.[/b]

ITA that it's sad... I have 1 letter that I got from my "bio-dad" or "sperm-donor" (which ever you want to call it) & in the letter he said something to the effect of "you've gotten by w/ out me for ____ long & I am sure you want to keep it that way but there isn't a day that I don't think about you"....

Okay...sad...not sad in that I feel bad for the bio-dads that are jerks, sad in that they actually think that they are "men" for doing that or trying to say "oh, I think of you all the time" or "oh, not a day goes by that I don't think of you".... Sure "DAD"...if you think of me so often, where are the cards? where are the Christmas presents? Where are the calls? Where were you for my graduation? Where were you when you GRANDCHILDREN were born or I got married? They don't think of "us" often...they will never understand what it's like to be thrown to the side & unwanted & have them not care the way a REAL parent should. No child asks to be born & no child should have to tolerate that bull from anyone. That's bull, that's all I have to say. Sad, but not b/c I feel bad for that "man" or "sperm donor" but I feel badly that he's trying to make his daughter think that he had no choice but to do this & that if he could make it better he would. That's just trying to justify that choice, that behavior... Sorry.... the ONLY people I feel bad for is Becca for having to tolerate this for so long & that little girl for having hope that her bio-dad would be a REAL dad someday.

Sorry... this is hard for me, I was left for nothing by MY bio-dad & guess what? Got the same bull on the phone & in that 1 letter. I look back & laugh at him. I hope he rots in hell, if I saw him on the side of the road injured, I step over him. I have no thoughts of remorse for that. He has my 2 sisters, wont let them see me, I've never met them. He's done nothing but hurt me & my family. I only WISH I had someone like Kal in my life when I was a little girl to look up too and admire & have love me.

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  #9  
September 9th, 2008, 12:35 PM
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Quote:
I am the one that is going to sound heartless but I am not the least bit sad about it. He has done some really awful things in the last 2 years. From hurting her over and over again, when they did talk it was all about the son that he takes care of and not her and what is going on in her life and even telling her that he didn't like me and that is why he wanted nothing to do with her for 7 years.[/b]
I'm with you Becca!!!!!

What's more sad is Sadie & Lucy have had to deal with things that they should never have dealt with as children. What's sad is that their bio dads have never been their daddies. Thank God both of them have wonderful men in their lives that are willing to step up & be a Dad!

If that makes me a heartless b - then so be it. I never thought I'd end up on this road. But last year, I had to look into my five year olds eyes as she asked in tears "why can't I have a daddy like other kids?"

In 1 1/2 months, I will NEVER have to answer that question again. Because she will have a daddy like other kids.

Yay for Sadie too! I'm so happy for her!!!!

Just wanted to add:

The ONLY thing Lucy's bio dad has done right is to give up his parental rights. I gave him plenty of chances to step up & be a dad. I know his reason aren't altruistic (he doesn't want to pay child support ) but in the end he is doing the right thing.
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  #10  
September 9th, 2008, 03:37 PM
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Quote:
Sorry.... the ONLY people I feel bad for is Becca for having to tolerate this for so long & that little girl for having hope that her bio-dad would be a REAL dad someday.

I only WISH I had someone like Kal in my life when I was a little girl to look up too and admire & have love me.

[/b]

Thanks for that! I knew that I had a keep when Kal came to live with us. Sadie was about 14 months old and we stayed up all night talking because it had been so long since we had seen eachother that it was nice. When we finally fell asleep it was so late and I over slept for work. I got Sadie up and put her on the bed and asked him if he could change her and put on her clothes so that I could get ready. He had no problem with that and then asked for wipes because she pooped! He was so wonderful and I really knew right there that he was going to be a great dad....didn't know that we would have a new baby 10 months later

This is the day of great news too. I got my sewing machine back...fixed, Kals test came back good, I got a refund from walmart.com to pay for the repair on my machine, didn't have to pay the repair and then Kal got an offer for the job he applied for!!!!
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  #11  
September 10th, 2008, 04:35 AM
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Becca that is great news. Looks like you are having a pretty good day.
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  #12  
September 10th, 2008, 08:15 AM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
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If that makes me a heartless b - then so be it. I never thought I'd end up on this road. But last year, I had to look into my five year olds eyes as she asked in tears "why can't I have a daddy like other kids?"

In 1 1/2 months, I will NEVER have to answer that question again. Because she will have a daddy like other kids. [/b]
You aren't heartless, you are realistic. In fact, I know exactly what your child went through last year b/c I too was one of those kids that wanted a family, I wanted a dad in my life, but he didn't want me & made it clear of that since I was born. Unfortunately, men (or stupid jerks AKA sperm donors) often try to put the twist & say "I'll always love you" or "you're mom moved & I couldn't get in touch w/ you..." what ever the excuse, that is exactly what it is, an excuse, it's an excuse to getting out of being a father & responsible parent. As a child, I believe those excuses & blamed my grandparents, mother & family for my father being out of the picture. I now realize that they were dead on in what he was truly about. The only mistake my family made was badmouth my sperm-donor. As a child if you put the other parent down, no matter how true it is that they're horrible, the kids can't understand that & then ultimately blame the person badmouthing b/c they have to blame someone & that's who they blame. So my only word of advice to anyone in this situation (based on my personal experience) is never badmouth the other parent, no matter how bad they are, even if they are in jail etc., let the child come to their own conclusions, & believe me, they will, they will eventually grow up & see their absent dead-beat for who they truly are, and not this great person who they WISHED they would be.

Looking back, I made so many BAD choices in my life b/c I didn't have a mom & dad environment. I was out of control, and it was b/c I wanted attention & someone to love me, no one wanted me as a child & that hurt me. I couldn't understand it. And even though my grandparents did a good job at picking up the pieces, I couldn't understand why I didn't have a "mom" and a "dad" like all the other kids. It was a tough process. I am obviously okay now, but I tell ya, it took me in a direction that I wouldn't have dreamed of. The good news in Becca's case, is she has Kal in her life to BE the role model & he's doing a great job in that.

People are too quick to feel badly for absent parents. The only reason ANY parent should be absent from ANY child's life is due to illness, death, incarceration or military deployment, other than that, there is no reason, justification not to be in their lives. Pick up the phone, send them cards, write them letters (or in today's day & age, text message or email), take a summer road trip & be w/ them. There is no excuse. No job, no other thing in their lives should be THAT important that they are not in the picture. It's a reason to be irresponsible & not pay CS, that's all it is. It stinks b/c the only ones they hurt are the kids & they don't think of that.

Sorry for ranting again, but ITA w/ m2miracles & do not think it's heartless to say that at all. And once again, just speaking from PERSONAL experience in my life. And for the record, not all dad's are dead-beats & there are different "types" of dead-beats too. There are some mothers out there that give up their rights & take off & don't see their kids. I see it all the time. I don't get that even more, as a mother w/ the instincts, it makes no sense to me. There are plenty of men out there that do step up & take full responsibilities w/ their children. I guess we don't hear those stories that much but I wanted to put that spin on it that woman can be just as dumb/heartless & men can be good people too. In Becca's case, she didn't have that type of a guy, again, way to go Kal, he's a REAL MAN!!!!


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  #13  
September 15th, 2008, 05:09 AM
Ellemphriem's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
I'm so glad that he is doing this. I don't understand it, but I am glad that he is anyway. I'll never understand how any parent can turn their back on their child but Lord knows it happens all the time.[/b]
That makes 2 of us.........

Quote:
People are too quick to feel badly for absent parents. The only reason ANY parent should be absent from ANY child's life is due to illness, death, incarceration or military deployment, other than that, there is no reason, justification not to be in their lives. Pick up the phone, send them cards, write them letters (or in today's day & age, text message or email), take a summer road trip & be w/ them. There is no excuse. No job, no other thing in their lives should be THAT important that they are not in the picture. It's a reason to be irresponsible & not pay CS, that's all it is. It stinks b/c the only ones they hurt are the kids & they don't think of that.[/b]
My father even gave up his name claim on me........ Don't STILL know if i can laugh or cry about it. He was an irresponsible #### .....(forgive the language) but my mom was nonetheless a culprit for ASKING him to give up his rights on me and deciding to let her mom and dad raise me up. I can forgive neither.......and i am 34...........
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  #14  
September 15th, 2008, 03:18 PM
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Wow I don't even know how to respond to this thread anymore. It saddens me that we all carry so much pain. How terribly sad.

As far as Lucy's bio dad. I don't say anything bad. She knows he is ill (mentally) and incapable of being there for her - she has seen way too much. As far as the adoptions goes, I've told her that he loves her so much that he is letting DH adopt her. That's true love. Because it's true in a way. He does really love her. I have never told her that he doesn't want to pay child support.

I know someday, she may be sad about it - it's to be expected. But if she spends time with him, she will see him for who he is.

I have a dear friend who was raised by his stepdad. His bio dad hit the road when he was just a baby. He met his bio dad when he was in his mid 30s. After about 6 months of a relationship, he ended his ties with his bio dad. He said to me "I'm so glad my stepdad raised me instead of my bio dad. My mom did the right thing."

In the end for me, I know I did the right thing. I can live with anything else.
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  #15  
September 15th, 2008, 04:30 PM
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I have NEVER said anything bad about her bio dad. It is not for me to tell her that. He does not care for or love Sadie. He never has. He never will. For 8 years I have been asking for this adoption and he always said no. He only said yes this time because I said that I would pay for it. It is all about money with him. This is the 2nd child that he has let be adopted by the step father, he gave one up for adoption, and he has one at home with him. His wife also has a son that was taken away from her that lives with her parents because she beat him and left him in a basement when he was 18 months old. These are not good people. There are so many bad things that I could tell Sadie about them but I don't. I think that bashing another parent to your child is plain wrong. Money is more important to this man. I KNOW that if I didn't say that I would pay for it that he would have said no. I found an attorney here that will do it for $839.00 so that is what I am saving now.
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  #16  
September 16th, 2008, 11:14 AM
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Yay!!!! I'm glad you found an attorney. I really hope you get the money soon!
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  #17  
September 16th, 2008, 04:46 PM
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Quote:
I have NEVER said anything bad about her bio dad. It is not for me to tell her that. He does not care for or love Sadie. He never has. He never will. For 8 years I have been asking for this adoption and he always said no. He only said yes this time because I said that I would pay for it. It is all about money with him. This is the 2nd child that he has let be adopted by the step father, he gave one up for adoption, and he has one at home with him. His wife also has a son that was taken away from her that lives with her parents because she beat him and left him in a basement when he was 18 months old. These are not good people. There are so many bad things that I could tell Sadie about them but I don't. I think that bashing another parent to your child is plain wrong. Money is more important to this man. I KNOW that if I didn't say that I would pay for it that he would have said no. I found an attorney here that will do it for $839.00 so that is what I am saving now.[/b]
I agree 100%! I've always tried to keep my own feelings about the kids' dad to myself. Kids are part mother, part father unless they're cloned--which I seriously doubt any of ours are--so for me to badmouth the EVILSOBSPERMDONOR to them is to badmouth all the wonderful traits that they got from their father. They may be few and far between--because he has so few--but they are there. They would not have those beautiful big brown eyes they have. They would not be as smart. They would not have the looks that they most definitely got from him--I'm blonde with green eyes, he's dark haired and dark eyed. We could not get along. Period. The kids knew it, we knew it everyone around us that knew us, knew we didn't belong together. I am much happier now but he is still miserable. My biological father never wanted kids and was more than happy to sign adoption papers when my mom told him either his signature would be on the paper or he would be sued for three years of back child support. He didn't want me then, didn't want me later and if he is still alive, still does not want me! I'm ok with that now because I don't want him either. He's not my "dad". The man who adopted me is. He's just my biological father. Sperm donor works also. That's how my kids now refer to their father. Sad, but it's his own fault.
I am so glad that you found someone who is going to do this for you for so much less than you thought! I hope you get the money together really soon. Your sweet little girl deserves the kind of daddy that Kal has been and will continue to be to her. This just makes it legal.
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