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  #1  
September 11th, 2008, 05:32 AM
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<span style="font-family:Comic Sans MS">So this might get a little long. Last year I had a huge blow out with my sister and BIL. I won't get into all of it but basically she is an alcoholic and I talked to my dad about it who has been sober for 16 years. I needed his advice and I knew that I could get it from him honestly. Well my other sister was there too and she went home and called my sister and told her that she was worried about her. And told her everything that I had said but twisted it. So my sister was pissed and that pretty much made everything go downhill from there. I was out of town when this happened taking care of sick family and she was at home helping my DH take care of the girls while I was gone. I only took Gabe with me because the girls were in school. She was supposed to pick them up from school and help with homework until DH got off work. I think that she did it 5 times and my friend did it the rest of the time.
Anyway so for the last year I have cut myself off from her. I am not rude to her. I will not tell her anything really personal about my life or my childrens lives. I have found out that she has said some really hurtful things about me. And even that she was thinking about trying to complete to foster care program with the hopes of getting my children. So needless to say we have had a very strained and strange relationship for the last year.
So last night she called and I answered because I am not trying to be rude. I figured that I would talk to her for a few minutes and then not talk again for about a month. I asked her to do some praying for the family and went into things with out adding all the personal info. Like that Kal got a job offer for 17% more than what he makes now but did not tell her how much he makes, and that I finally got the ok for Kal to adopt Sadie so I was working on the budget (which I am going to hold off on until this raise) and that I am tired of being sick and that God can feel free to take away my cold and I will not be mad at Him!
So she seemed very excited about the job thing and said that she would have their fellowship (they have a weird home church) pray for Kal to make the right desision.
And then with the adoption she was very excited. I expalined to her the info that I got yesterday from child support enforcement and that they are not sure which state I have to do the adoption because of all the court stuff is in MN and that they have to terminate right and they are not sure if that can be done here in VA and we might have to go to MN and do this. And that I have the number for legal aid and that they can answer all my legal questions like that.
So the point to this long ramble. She asked me to let her know how much the adoption was going to cost because she thinks that she knows some people that would be willing to pay for it to get that man out of our lives completely. She works at a homeless shelter and she works with soooo many organization that I assume that she meant one of them. Also among the fellowship there are a few people that have money and I know that they do this kind of a thing all the time. They pay rents and bills and help with things. My friend was a part of their group for a while...she didn't like it for church....and they gave her money for a rental truck when she moved. They feed the homeless every Saturday and have even taken a few in to their home and helped them until they get back on their feet.
I just do not know what to think. I don't know if I should except her help or turn it away because I am still hurt by the things that she said about me and my family. What would you do???
</span>
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  #2  
September 11th, 2008, 10:19 AM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
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Wow...that's tough. I know about the bad stuff that's happened w/ her, you've talked about it & I know that it can be hard. It depends on what YOU want to do.

I have a relative that I cut off for years & when she re-entered into my life started to be nice, help out w/ $ etc., I accepted & was grateful. As years moved on, she started acting like she DID in the past & then threw how she helped out w/ $ & how I OWED it to her to DO what ever she wanted. Almost like a slave but not as bad.

The outcome. I've finally paid all my debt to this person back & then some & now looking back & would have never taken anything had I known that it would be used against me in the future.

USUALLY, the best prediction of the future is based on past experiences, usually... So I don't know. If you think you could potentially run into issues w/ her in the future & how would you deal w/ it would depend on if you should or shouldn't accept the assistance.

I would proceed w/ caution, just cause that's the type of person I am & again, basing this on my past experiences that usually people don't like to help just cause, usually people have somewhat of an expectation "scratch my back & I'll scratch yours" attitude. They may not say that upfront or not even be aware that they feel that way at the moment but IF something comes up, I can guarantee that HELP would be potentially thrown out there. Could you handle that? If you can (and you are a very strong person so I think that you could), why not go for the help?

I know I gave you 2 different scenarios & advice but I guess you have to ask yourself if you could handle being hurt again? If everyone did things w/ fear, no one would do anything at all or ever. There are always going to be some bad apples. Perhaps she really wants to mend things (relationship) & help but be aware of her past & proceed w/ caution. If she hurts you again, then you know that she hasn't changed, can't change & at that point, hurt me once, shame on them, hurt me twice, shame on me. You know the deal.

Let me know what you think.
~C
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  #3  
September 11th, 2008, 11:13 AM
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I have to agree with Chantelle about being careful. The offer may be legit but what you wrote about your past experience makes me wonder.

I'm not sure I understood the part part about foster care.... Was she going to become a foster parent so she could get your kids taken from you & placed into her home???? If that's the case, that would answer it for me right there.
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  #4  
September 11th, 2008, 11:18 AM
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I know that we could really use the help with this but I am so worried that it is going to be thrown in my face again and again and again. If someone wants to help me then I think that is awesome...but I NEVER help anyone because I want something from them. I do it because I want to and I can. She is not that person. She only talks to you because you have something to offer her. I have seen her do it over and over again. Kal is not happy with me that she is coming out here. I have a few things of hers and my BIL left his hunting tent here so they want to bring food and come get it. I have no problem with that. I do not share anything personal with her but I also refuse to be hurt again. I refuse to let her into my life and stress about doing the wrong thing around her. I am the same person around everyone...yes I have even said a bad word in church...how bad is that!!!! (not that I am a horrible potty mouth anymore...I am much better than I used to be) BUT I refuse to change who I am with anyone. This is me take it or leave it. With her being around I almost feel like I can not be myself and I hate that feeling. This is all just stuff that I need to think about and wanted to know what others thought.
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  #5  
September 11th, 2008, 11:32 AM
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<span style="color:#8B0000"><div class=\'quotetop\'>QUOTE(My2miracles @ Sep 11 2008, 02:13 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div><div class=\'quotemain\'>I'm not sure I understood the part part about foster care.... Was she going to become a foster parent so she could get your kids taken from you & placed into her home???? If that's the case, that would answer it for me right there.[/quote]


Yes that is exactly it. I know that my relationship with her is never going to be like it was. Things have changed and I cannot trust her. Then I have another example. 2 years ago we lost our house and car and we were going through some really horrible money issues. She came over to my house with 2 weeks’ worth of groceries that her fellowship paid for. I never asked. And that has NEVER been brought up to me. I am almost 100% positive that she said all the stuff that she did because she was mad at me and that she was trying to get back at me. We have talked a little about it and she told me that in no way was she doing that and if other people have told her that she did that she is sorry that they misunderstood.

She likes to twist things too. In April my dad came to visit. She treats him like crap. He is her step dad. Never calls and talks badly about him all the time. Well he came here because he missed my kids. She has no children. She had this huge fit because he didn't come here to see her completely. I told her fine if you want to act like this then I will throw dad in the car and drive him to your house and then when the kids are crying because they cannot see their grandpa I will just tell them that you think that you need to see him more. She didn't like that and then said that I was only saying that because I think that he is MY dad. That is soooooo not true. So things were ok for a minute. Until she told me that I hurt her feelings all the time. I told her that if I hurt her feelings and she doesn't say anything that how would I know that I have hurt them. So this is what she said to me "YOU HURT MY FEELINGS BECAUSE YOU HAVE A GREAT RELATIONSHIP WITH DAD AND I DON'T AND I AM JEALOUS". I told her to grow up and that if her feelings were hurt that was not done by me.

She is just so odd.[/b]</span>
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  #6  
September 11th, 2008, 03:19 PM
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Quote:
I know that we could really use the help with this but I am so worried that it is going to be thrown in my face again and again and again. If someone wants to help me then I think that is awesome...but I NEVER help anyone because I want something from them. I do it because I want to and I can. She is not that person. She only talks to you because you have something to offer her. I have seen her do it over and over again. Kal is not happy with me that she is coming out here.[/b]
There's your answer. You know that she is one to do something b/c she wants something in return & that there is always a reason. Second, your husband isn't happy w/ the idea of her coming so that's your husband telling you that it's not a good idea.

Just to put a spin on things. Most of us think we do things to be generous & want nothing in return. I am one of those persons. But as humans, it's only natural to do things that work for us, make us feel better, and in that I mean doing nice things for people makes us feel better. Down the road, if you've helped someone, you hope that IF you ever needed their help, they would too be so generous. As far as having things thrown in your face, having your balls in a dixie cup or using it as leverage. I have to say, I've BTDT big time. It stinks & there is nothing worst than feeling like you are not grateful for what they did for you in the past by them throwing it in your face again, and again. It's NOT worth it. If you have no other means of help & can't do w/ out it, then you have no choice to say yes really. IMO, if you have other means, you need to exhaust all other means before doing "business" w/ her.

It sort of reminds me of sayings like "lend $ to a friend & they become your enemy"... or "never work w/ family"... I've also BTDT, it's something you don't want to mix. Having family is hard, we don't choose our family (only our significant others)...all the other persons that are in that extended family are people that are bonus. You don't have to tolerate anything or put up w/ people that aren't willing to be there for you just to get what they want or get leverage. Have POSITIVE people in your life. You have enough garbage to deal w/ when it comes to your ex & the whole CS issues & being a mom. Being a mom is a full-time job & so is a wife, friend & person, don't allow negative people in your life just b/c on paper they are related. You cut her out of your life for a very good reason a while ago & you just said that she is always doing things cause she wants something in return. That is your answer, don't go there, don't open pandora's box, don't open those cans of worms, just look the other way & kindly say "thank you for offering to help, I appreciate everything you're willing to do but everything ended up working out & we're all set, thanks". You don't have to be mean in responding to her, just casually say "no thank you".. and move on.

If you choose to allow her help, know that there is a large possibility that she is going to screw you over again & know that your DH isn't amused by the thought at all. That in itself would steer me into running the other way. Keep your guard up, you're a strong person w/ strong characteristics & you have a lot to offer, don't let negative junk/people in your life to make things harder for you.


JMO... again, you can always PM or get in touch w/ me, always here if you need to vent.

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  #7  
September 14th, 2008, 08:14 AM
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I've read over this thread several times in the past couple of days and one thing seems clear to me...correct me if I am wrong here. It appears to me that you already know what you WANT to do but are looking for support because you're afraid it isn't the RIGHT thing to do. i.e.--you really don't want her help because you know deep down inside you will regret it but you're afraid that holding the past against her isn't fair or the christian thing to do. I think the old saying (since we're quoting old sayings here...lol) "Fool me once, shame on you..fool me twice, shame on me" holds true. I know we all feel strongly about family and how those in our families should be held close but lets face it...family is still made up of human beings and sometimes human beings are just not very nice! Just the fact that she even THOUGHT about trying to take your kids from you is HORRIBLE! Help you out, yes...but to actively work toward depriving you of your children? I don't understand how she could even entertain the idea! To me, that is not something family should do unless the parents cannot take care of the kids either because of serious health issues (in which case it needs to be a mutual decision)or that they're bad parents--drugs or or other lifestyles that endanger the kids (in which case it is a necessity to ensure the health and well being of the children). We help others because we care and because we know it's the right thing to do...not because we want something in return! You know her much better than anyone and I would definitely trust your instincts on this one. If you feel that she has changed and wants to help you because she loves you and not for any other reason, then sure...but if you think this is just more of the same, I would definitely tell her thanks but no thanks. You may get what you want a little sooner than you would otherwise but in the end it just won't be worth the price you'll have to pay. Look down the road a bit and imagine the repercussions and ask yourself will it have been worth it?
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  #8  
September 14th, 2008, 11:38 AM
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If you wanted to "try" to see if she's willing to be a better person, or a person that you could "potentially" trust in the future. Start w/ small things, baby steps. Something that if it isn't gonna work out wont harm you or make you so angry or hurt. I know when I had to close someone out of my life, it was a hard thing to, it affected a lot of people in my life, as she was a common person in all of them & come Christmas or family gatherings, I chose not to be around her, and that meant I chose to not be around the rest of my family. It was sad, my family was sad.

It took me YEARS before I was able to allow this person back into my life. This person still has their flaws & has shown me that $ is the ultimate for them, but they've also been helpful to my children which is important to me & my kids. Even if this person isn't perfect, I've recognized that they truly love my kids & want to be there for my kids. Still to this day, I am reluctant in being 100% honest or allowing them into my heart.

I may seem cranky or distant to people but I truly wear my heart on my sleeve & forgive easily. It takes a lot for me to cut someone out of my life or never forgive them. I will never forget though & that's just something I have learned the hard way. That you can forgive someone but forgetting is the thing you have to decide. Keeping things in the back of your head to be super sensitive to what COULD happen is the appropriate thing to do.

We're here for you regardless of your decision either way.

HUGS
~C
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  #9  
September 15th, 2008, 03:26 PM
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What a tough one! Does the end justify the means????

I'm trying to place myself in your situation. I was able to get a loan from my mom to pay for the adoption. Would I have done that if there were weird strings attached.

In my case, I probably would have. But my ex is dangerous & very mentally ill - violent. I probably would have done anything to protect DD. On the other hand, if he was just a deadbeat dad.... I might have scrimpt & saved for a year or 2 to manage it.

I guess there are 2 questions "How badly do you want it?" & "how long would it take you to get the money on your own?"

Would your ex be willing to contribute in leu of you going after him for cs?

Just some thoughts.
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  #10  
September 15th, 2008, 04:44 PM
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<span style="font-family:Tahoma">I want it bad....but I am not going to take anything from her. I think that I would feel better if we just did it on our own. If it was anyone else in my famiy I might have said yes but I just do not want to go down that road. Thanks for all the advice ladies...I really appreciate it. So $839.00 to save. I know that he will not help and that is the only reason why he said yes because I am paying.</span>
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  #11  
September 16th, 2008, 11:11 AM
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I'm praying that you will get the money quickly! I so know how you feel.
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  #12  
September 16th, 2008, 04:50 PM
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I think you've made the right decision too. I can't wait til you post on the day that Kal becomes her LEGAL daddy!
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