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Just grabbing a good expression that some carry too much pain in them to write this one. I don't carry pain, i carry questions that can't be answered since the persons in interest are dead and i also carry anger... I carry anger for both my parents and i care not who did the right thing according to their opinion. U see up to a point i knew the story from one side. My mother's side, who was not well anyway and she didn't actually raise me, rather than dumped her problems to her own mom and dad, and only come near when she wanted a toy. After many years she started to relate to me and i know she loved me but she couldn't give much. It was her nature. I learned things from her and the best one was to depend on me. Till the day she died she sucked my life force out of me knowingly but didn't care either, because i was her child and she could bake me if she wanted (her words). She had issues. When i learned the other side of darkness (my dad) i learned a lot of things including that he was seriously mistreated by my grandmother (his MIL). I nodded and agreed that he did well to leave my mom. She would have been making life hell for him. She had that niche you know She was not a bad person. It was just her......so yeah to him for reclaiming his life. But the fact that he gave up on me completely i will never forgive to neither of them. According to me they were firstly irresponsible in having a kid whilst having issues but trying to bypass that (and thinking we are all humans and make mistakes), they were also incredibly irresponsible in dividing responsibilities and NOT being able to come to terms that i must see BOTH on equal terms.....My grandpa raised me and i was fortunate and adore him ....when he died i lost a part of me. BUT the fact that my dad rejected me is still too sore to heal......i think it will never ever heal. I came to these conclusions way later in life. Not early on. Early on i had a granpa for a dad and i knew the story partly one sided from my mom's side so everything was cool. Well, it was not like that.
And then i stop and look at my life. And i see a sensitive little kid DSD who is crying on the bed asking what is she going to do with her life and that she cannot understand why all this happened to her dad and mom. She doesn't know where to come to live and i see manipulative behavior (sometimes thank GOD) from both sides to get her on their 'side'......and i read here about all your lovely kids and all the painful experiences and all the incensitive halves that give up their rights and all the sadness and wrath.....and i cry.....maybe because i am pregnant? And then i think about me and DH. How much i love him and how much i WISH to GOD that nothing like that will ever happen to us or the kid coming, not because i fell sorry for us. But because i feel sorry for the poor soul i carry and the fact that from the moment she was concieved she will pay for my silly mistakes......for our silly mistakes........and i don't want that......
Became kind of heavy yes? But that is the bitter truth about blended families and that is the underlying pain in them also. WITHOUT saying that they have no beauty, love, tenderness amazing experiences and building of character in them. But you can't have one without the other can you?
" \m/ Now I’m riding through the air
going to where no one dares
on the way I’ll cross the line forevermore \m/ "
I could be wrong - I'm just reading your posts so I'm going by my interpretation of what you have written.
But I see so much pain. I see a grown woman with a wounded child inside. I think we all have some of this in us for one reason or another. You have been given a lot to bear in life. A lot more than your should have especially as a child. I understand why you would have questions and be anger. I think your anger comes from hurt though. You were abandoned. How else could you feel? The anger is justified. And to make it worse, it seems your questions will go unanswered.
I pray you find peace.
I also pray for my Lucy. That I or should I say we can fill her life with so much love & joy that we buffer that pain. I'm not illusioned that she will never feel pain about her bio dad. She has felt so much already. I know at some point she will feel abandoned by him - she already has but it will come up again I'm sure. At some point, she may be angry at me. I accept that. We'll work through that together. I pray that I can love her enough to make all the other stuff not to terribly painful. It's the best I can do.
We all do the best we can with what God gives us....some of us are lacking in the responsibility part and others in the parenting part. Be glad that you have the capacity to love and the sense of responsibility IN SPITE OF how you were treated as a child. I was also given up by my biological father. I met him years later and he pretended to be so thankful that I had looked him up. Then I sent him an invitation to my first wedding. It came back to me OPENED AND RESEALED marked No such person. I didn't give up (glutton for punishment I guess) and looked him up again when I had my two oldest sons. We were living about 100 miles from him and I wanted them to meet him. We were going to be moving and it was our last chance to reunite. I called him and told him he had two grandsons ages 3 and 7. His response was to ask that I send him a picture once I got settled in Atlanta. I never contacted him again. I don't know if he is still alive or not and frankly I do not care. He isn't my dad. My dad is a wonderful man who adopted me and treated me always as though I were his flesh and blood and never once referred to me as his step daughter but rather as his daughter.
I've learned over the years to stop thinking of myself as a "victim" of what happens to me in my life that is less than perfect. I am a SURVIVOR! I am not a victim of sexual abuse, I am a survivor os sexual abuse. I am not someone who was given away but someone who was loved and wanted. It is not MY loss that my bio father didn't want me in his life, it is HIS! He will never know how wonderful his grandchildren are or the joys I experienced in watching them grow and become the terrific people they are. He'll never have my love or devotion the way my dad does. I will not promise him anything because I don't owe him anything. I won't help take care of him in his old age or sit with him when nature robs him of his ability to care for himself. I will not visit him and tell him I love him when he is alone in his aged mind. I will do all those things for my dad, God willing and I will be there to hold his hand when the good Lord calls him home. For that, I will be eternally grateful for I have known a wonderful human being and have been loved by him. There are no pictures of my biological father in my home but my dad is everywhere and will always be in my heart and in the hearts of my children. He deserves that...not that other guy.
It doesn't matter who raised you...your mother alone, step parents, adoptive parents, foster parents or grandparents. They did so because they loved you. They took that honor and did their best. It may not have been perfect and it may not have been the storybook childhood we would all have loved to have had. But it was OURS. Whatever you have been through, however many disappointments and heartaches you have experienced, it has helped shape the person you are today. It's up to you what you're going to do with it. Once you truly grasp and embrace that philosophy, it becomes easy to come to terms with it all. Well, ok not "easy" but certainly easier. Being angry about things you had no control over then nor any now just leads to depression. You can't go back and change it, though we would all love to be able to. All you can do is to stop it from becoming a cycle in your family. Love with all your heart. Keep those people who you love as close as you can and never pass up an opportunity to tell someone that you love them. That is the job we're given with our step children. No we can't make them love us, but we may be able to soften them to the idea of us being in their lives and someday maybe they will love us. Maybe not. But it will make a difference in their lives and in our own. Being angry about what happened to you when you were a child doesn't help anyone and it certainly hurts you! When you're angry at something you have no control over nor any outlet for it turns inward and becomes depression. Depression eats at you until it colors everything in your life. I know. I was there for a long time. It isn't easy to come back from either and you can't do it alone. Some of you know my story. I was severely depressed for many years and at one point the ONLY thing that kept me from killing myself was the idea that my children would find me. I've come to terms with what happened to me and the rejections in my life. Every so often that demon rears it's ugly head again and I begin to doubt again. All I have to do now is to look at the faces of my family and friends and I know I am loved and valued by them. You need to know it too. You are loved and valued for the person you are today.
I feel for you. I do. I know how hard it is what you're going through and the struggles that you face. I also know that has helped make you who you are and even if you could go back and undo it all, it would change that person that you are. You'd be different. If you were different, maybe these people who love you now would not feel the same way about you. Why chance it? (since you can't anyway) Accept it as being something you'd rather have been different but helped form this wonderful person that has the capacity to love and hurt for those around her. I think that's a pretty special person...don't you?
I can't add much more to what the ladies already posted but I wanted to add just a couple of things.
We don't chose our lives or who raises us. We don't ask for life or our environment, it's not a choice. We're raised as we are & once we get older, we reflect back on things & wonder "why" or "how"...
For so many years I used to wonder these things. I would cry or hold others responsible for how they raised me, their choices in how I turned out etc. One day it just clicked, it was weird. I knew that I was still irritated & not happy w/ them, but I could no longer hold the anger I had. I was an adult & had to come to peace to move forward in my life. I had to pretend certain persons apologized to me, because I know that if I wanted an "actual" apology, I'd be waiting for the rest of my life, they would never give it to me, and honestly, nothing they could say or do would ever justify their actions.
Do I still have pain? I sure do. And there are days that I just get so angry at them & think "why did I allow them back into my life again?" and then I know the answer, I love them, flaws and all. It's hard, we can either hold onto the past & be angry/hurt/sad/depressed or move forward.
As a child, I lost a lot of me. I didn't really experience much of a childhood b/c of my environment. I hate that I lost that part of my life. Now I just live vicariously through the eyes of my children. I watch them happy, excited & thrilled over simple things. I watch them live the life I wanted. I watch them feeling secure. They are able to be a "child"... that's so important.
Not sure if any of that helped. There are no words to make things "better"... God knows if there were, we'd all be perfect & therapists would be out of business. But I hope that something I said made you feel a little better perhaps. If it didn't, I'm sorry. I hope you are okay. You are welcome to talk away, post or PM me or any of us when you need to vent. That's why we're here.