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  #1  
October 10th, 2008, 02:03 PM
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Last edited by QueSeraSara; May 8th, 2009 at 10:55 AM.
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  #2  
October 10th, 2008, 06:54 PM
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Okay... this is a hard one b/c I don't know the history & what actually happened & even "if" you told us the details there are always 2 sides to a pancake, no matter how flat you make it.

With that said, unless the grandparents aren't abusive or breaking the law, having them being a part of a child's life is something you should maintain. I am not saying you need to be there daily or even weekly, but there is nothing wrong w/ the occasional visit monthly or even every other month. Maybe getting together for brunch every now & then or maybe going to do something in a public venue like a fair or what not. At least that way, you aren't forcing a private one-on-one conversation that could potentially be awkward or get heated but still allow the child to be a part of the grandparent's life & so on.

I don't think you have to force DH to be part of that either. You can do that on your own & on your own. Obviously let him know what your intentions are & state that you want to do X, Y & Z, and why. Then take it from there. Set a POSITIVE example & hopefully he will follow your lead. If not, at least you are setting the tone & making a good leap in the right direction. But please, keep your DH involved in what you are planning on doing, you don't want your DH finding out AFTER the fact, which would cause more issues in your marriage.

This is hard, again, I don't know all the details & I am in a VERY similar situation on both ends. On one of my ends, I have issues b/c certain persons have hurt me in the past & it's hard for me to allow them back into my life, but I've seen how nice & generous they have been to my children & I am allowing them in my life based on my children alone. "IF" they were to "EVER" treat my children as they once treated me, that would be a deal breaker, but after 8 years, that has yet to happen so I don't anticipate that.

On another end. I have another situation in that relatives have been very generous "on the outside" but have done some horrible, traumatizing things in their past to other small children, things that could have them incarcerated for a long time etc., so for that reason alone, I have had to sever ties because of those actions, even though I did adore my time shared w/ them & wish things were different. Which was hard for me, as I did have a close relationship w/ them but based on their past actions, I couldn't trust them w/ my children for 1 minute alone. If something ever happened to my kids w/ them, I could never forgive myself as I would have known what they were capable of, something I can't live w/ knowing anything about anymore. I had no choice to close that door. In this case, it's legal & serious, unlike the first example I gave you.

I hope this helped. If you want to speak more about this but do not feel comfortable posting on the forums, feel free to PM me & we can chat. Either way, we are here for you.

~Chantelle
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  #3  
October 11th, 2008, 07:48 AM
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First of all, you should talk to your DH and let him know that you understand how much that comment hurt him and that it hurt you too. The thing is, although your dad may love your DSD very much and think of her as part of the family, he probably said what he did without thinking. I KNOW I will not think of my stepkid's children as MINE--even though I love them dearly. It just isn't the same as your own...but then I came into their lives much later. Just as your own children are much closer to your heart than your stepchildren are, so it will be with the grandbabies.
As far as you severing your ties with them, I am with Chatelle. Since we don't really know the details, it's hard to say anything about it. I do know that if you feel strongly about not having them in your life, you're probably justified and it is probably the best thing for EVERYONE. But remember...they are your parents--good or bad--and someday they won't be around anymore. Before you completely sever ties, ask yourself--if something happened to them today, will I hate myself for not letting them in my life tomorrow? Are you "punishing them" for not being better parents or are you eliminating a source of stress and pain? If they're toxic pieces of your life, then you're right to eliminate them at least to a point, possibly completely. But if you are just angry because they didn't know how to be good parents...well is that really something you can't get past?
Only you can answer those questions and make those decisions. We can help you by giving advice or telling our own stories but we can't possibly know what's going on in your heart and what it's been through. Be honest with yourself and I know you will come to the right conclusions and do what's right for you and your family.
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  #4  
October 11th, 2008, 08:13 AM
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Last edited by QueSeraSara; May 8th, 2009 at 10:55 AM.
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  #5  
October 11th, 2008, 08:53 AM
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You have a lot on your plate. A lot of hurt, they have done a lot. I can relate on a lot of levels.

What I can say is this. You have 1 set of parents & doing things like outdoor venues or things that involve stuff like "apple picking" or "brunch" etc., I think there is no harm in that. If they started being verbally abusive & taking advantage or you or your kids & acted inappropriately, then at that point I'd have to say sever the ties & leave it that way moving forward again.

I'd talk to your parents & let them know that you are wanting to regain a new foundation w/ them but you want to set some boundaries. The roles have changed. You are a parent now, you are older & they are no longer in control of your life, something that changes the dynamics of any relationship. This "will" that you're talking about might just be what they use to hold over your head to get what they want or continue to behave in such a way that continues to justify abuse etc., and in that case, regardless of the terms of the will, I'd be saying "see-ya-later"... you will/would see your sibling again. Things would be resolved. They cannot control the world & if they are used to controlling things (as it seems that they have done in their past), they are going to try to do it again, especially if they know you are anxious about the will or even mention it. I would do my best not to bring that up, ever. Seriously.

Just lay it down. Tell them you want a new start, you are scared, you will give this a shot, you can't forget (no one can, I can't) but you can forgive & you are willing to do that to gain a new relationship. You want something rather than nothing. It takes time. It took me YEARS, I am talking YEARS of crying, arguments etc., to get to a point in my life w/ the person(s) I am referring to that I was able to get along w/ & be civil. I know my expectations of that person, what to say, what not to say, what I can accomplish & what my kids get from it, which is pure joy/happiness. That's all that I care about, and w/ that, I've actually gained a new perspective from the ordeal. I do love this person, not in the way I wish I had or wanted growing up as a little girl, but it's better than it ever was or than I ever expected it to be. If this person passed on tomorrow, I'd be at peace w/ how things have ended.

I hope you can get to that place. Again, this takes years, time... oh, BTW, I seek therapy for this, by myself. It helps. It's hard to get through a lot of this personal drama alone, you need a good therapist/counselor/3rd party person who isn't involved emotionally in your life to be able to speak to you & get you through the tough decisions. Not that we're not willing to help or be here for you. But it helps. Looking into that might be helpful, just a suggestion.

HIH,



Chantelle
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  #6  
October 11th, 2008, 02:31 PM
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I agree with Chantelle about therapy. Part of my 5 year therapy was to deal with the sexual abuse that I endured at the hands of my grandfather. Unfortunately, I didn't even RECALL it while he was alive and it wasn't until a few weeks after he died that I guess my subconscious decided it was "safe" to let it bubble up to the surface and be dealt with. It's hard coming to terms with abuse of that nature especially if you're torn between feelings of love and hate toward the abuser--which I definitely was. My one regret is that I never got the chance to confront him. I never will.
It's probably a good idea to distance yourself from them while you work on your problems so you don't have additional stress right now. It's also good sometimes for a marriage when the dealings with extended family is removed so you can focus yourselves on growing strong. I know from my own experience with my ex, I didn't really feel like I had to work on the marriage until we moved across the country. Then the concept of packing up and going back home to my mother's became a lot more complicated so I tried harder to keep things together. We were suddeenly away from both sets of family and had to rely on each other more. If I were to say any one time in our marriage was "good" the closest I could come would be those 3 years away from them. It still wasn't good but at least I wasn't packing up to go home to mom every weekend!
As far as your brother is concerned, let's pray it never has to come to a fight over who gets him. It sounds to me like your parents are in denial about what happened to you or too afraid to "rock the boat" when it comes to confronting that person. Does anyone else in the family have knowledge of the abuse? Has anyone else suffered the abuse that you did? If so, keep them close. If anything does happen to your parents, you can use that to back up your story should it ever become a court battle. Like you, I think the most impostant thing is to keep the person from abusing another child and I would fight to the end to keep it from happening. How old is your brother now?
Anyway, I hope things go well for you. Keep us updated and keep posting!!!
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