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What's the toughest part about being part of a Blended Family during the holidays?


Forum: Blended Families

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  #1  
October 18th, 2008, 01:25 PM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
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What's the hardest part for you when it comes to being a blended family & the holidays? Do you have a good routine/sharing or is it a battle every year? How do you get along? How does your family cope? Any suggestions or advice that has worked for you in the past that you'd like to share?

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  #2  
October 18th, 2008, 01:35 PM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
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What's the hardest part for you when it comes to being a blended family & the holidays?

A: Having to break up the kids & not being all together on the same day.


Do you have a good routine/sharing or is it a battle every year?

A: We swap our holidays every year w/ the exception of Mothers & Father's Day & then Xmas Eve & Xmas & Halloween, aside from that we're even about that stuff.


How do you get along?

A: I do for my son's sanity/sake

How does your family cope?

A: They have a hard time, they often get upset & want my kids all together & don't understand why I can't just get my son since he's my son but I try to remind them that he has another family too. They are hurt a lot but I just reinforce the "other family too" part.

Any suggestions or advice that has worked for you in the past that you'd like to share?

A: Just switching the holidays seems to have worked for us. One year I have my son for Thanksgiving, the next my ex has our son for Thanksgiving & son on. It just works & my son knows & me & my ex know. So unless someone is sick our out on vacation, it stays that way.



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  #3  
October 19th, 2008, 12:38 PM
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What's the hardest part for you when it comes to being a blended family & the holidays? That tries to keep the kids from us or will bring them over ONLY to get their gifts then stands there tapping her foot waiting to take them home. (*&^%$#@! I hate that woman!
Do you have a good routine/sharing or is it a battle every year? Well, we've only been at this a couple of years but last year it ws horrible. Poor Tom only got to see the girls for about half an hour on Christmas day because of (see above) and Father's day she didn't even bring them to see him. She's such an evil ! Thanksgiving we can have them IF she's invited...as if! LOL
How do you get along? The first year we got along great! I even went out of my way to include who I was getting along with fine. Of course, we weren't yet married so she didn't see me as a threat to her status as MOM. Then the kids started to like me more and apparently talked about that. She set out to turn them against me and now...well...if they're around me more than a couple of hours they begin to lighten up and have fun with me. The moment they're back with though, that all stops and they become distant and sometimes won't even talk to me.
How does your family cope? We don't let it become a focus around here. The girls know they are welcome anytime and knows she is NOT! tries her hardest to cause problems and we refuse to allow her to. I know in my heart that she is not a good mom and that my job is to try to help Tom compensate for that. If we ever wind up with custody of them, they will settle in and learn to appreciate me--may not ever love me like they started off doing, but they will at least see that the stuff their mom says is not true.
Any suggestions or advice that has worked for you in the past that you'd like to share? Let the small things go...and keep remembering WHY you are now a step-parent. You fell in love with someone who happened to have kids already. Doesn't mean you have to love them...nor they you. But if you don't want issues in your marriage that could potentially damage it beyond repair, try not to let it get to you and remember you would not like someone saying things about YOUR children, neither will your DH like hearing things about his. Keep comments constructive and NEVER call them names or criticize them...their behavior, yes but not them. "We need to see what we can do to get DSD from leaving her clothes on the bathroom floor after her shower" works a heck of a lot better than "Your lazy kid is pi**ing me off! If she leaves her clothes on the floor ONE MORE TIME I am going to KILL HER! Tell that little brat to pick up after herself because I am NOT doing it anymore!"
Beyond all that, patience. Kids are only kids for a relatively short time and then they are gone, out on their own with kids and maybe stepkids of their own. And...payback is a !
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  #4  
October 19th, 2008, 01:00 PM
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Well, when it comes to the holidays it used to be every holiday we half and half with the exception of halloween (we went out together) and xmas-we would alternate. Since he didnt let me have her on mothers day I now say I get her all holidays and on x-mas thanksgiving and easter he can have her half. I will only agree to this if he signs a statement saying he will let me have her on easter (it is his parenting time on easter day) and if he doesnt then he can just deal with NO holidays.
We dont get along at all, it is a constant battle. He asks if he can keep her an extra day (which requires him to drop her off at school) and he refuses to provide a uniform so I have to say no and he tells mia its me. Last month he took her out of school early and caused her perfect attendance to be ruined. He says its not his fault if he is late so I said if she is late anymore she doesnt stay.
My family gets upset all the time considering that he doesnt take her to see his side of the family. We all agree there is no reason for her to be there if he isnt going to include her in the other side of the family.
Suggestions-AHHHHHH!!!!!!!Scream so you keep your sanity! I just try my hardest to keep from him. I try to not answer calls and when he drops her off i try not to make eye contact.
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  #5  
October 19th, 2008, 02:22 PM
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I know that I do not have the "normal" blended situation but I am going to answer anyway.

In the beginning I wished that things would have been different and I could have shared holidays and everything like that. My parents did it and it seemed to work very well. Now I am glad that this man is not around and I am glad that he is going to stay away.
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  #6  
October 19th, 2008, 04:17 PM
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Quote:
I know that I do not have the "normal" blended situation but I am going to answer anyway.

In the beginning I wished that things would have been different and I could have shared holidays and everything like that. My parents did it and it seemed to work very well. Now I am glad that this man is not around and I am glad that he is going to stay away.[/b]

You have a situation that is abnormal but in a way you don't have the drama "AND" you don't have to share or part w/ her either. So in some cases, people like me would be jealous to have that. It's hard to share your kids w/ another family. It's hard to watch them get into another car & wave good bye when you want to keep them w/ you on a holiday. Before I got married & was w/ my DH, I used to spend holidays all alone, Thanksgiving, Easter, it was a normal day for me. I wouldn't have a turkey, I wouldn't go anywhere. I was by myself. I'd sit home & cry & cry. I'd watch the clock & wait for him to come home & I'd be so relieved when he'd get here. I know that it's pathetic but it's true. Now that I have a family of my own & DH is around, I am not lonely anymore. I do miss my DS when he goes w/ his bio-dad but at the same time it's not as lonely. I still have my other bio-kids, my DH is here & I know that DS will eventually come home to me again. Not that it makes it easier for him to be gone, but in a way having distractions (i.e., DH & other kids in my life) help keep my mind off the mental pain that it causes me when my son walks out my door & leaves my house. It never gets easier when he leaves. There are times that I want to cry, even when it's a weekend. Especially now that it's back to school time. It's hard to share your child w/ another family & know that they are having fun w/ other people. I know that they love him, which is great, but it makes me sad. I wish he was at home.

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  #7  
October 20th, 2008, 10:53 AM
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I am grateful that I've never had to miss a holiday with Lucy and now I never will. I don't think either of us would have dealt with that well.

As for the SDs. We have them ever other Christmas. It's still up in the air about Thanksgiving... His ex did something weird the 1st year & had them both for Christmas & Thanksgiving. The court docs say if she has them for Christmas then he has them for Thanksgiving but....

Anyhoo, ducking for cover but I'm actually happiest when we don't have them for Christmas. This year will be just us 4. We will have them for some time between Christmas & New Years. That will be enough for me. Although I feel for DH. The last Christmas we didn't have them, their bm took them out of town & didn't tell DH. He kept trying to call them to talk - it was Christmas afterall! I'm sure she told them he couldn't be bothered. Of course, she won't spend the cs to make a phone call to him.

I did let the oldest SD know afterwards - she was 12 after all & old enough to get a clue.

I also struggle with gifts. My kids get gifts only from us. His DDs get from us, bm, bm's husbands family, my Dhs mom & dad. So I struggle. If I make the $ amounts even for all 4 kids on Xmas morning - my kids get shorted. If I spend more on my kids then I'm the horrible stepmom favoring my kids I can't win. Although after last years fiasco, the oldest SD isn't get much. I spent a lot on her the last 2 years & in return I get her trying to break up my marriage. Yup - done with that.

This year I'm really glad it's just us.
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  #8  
October 20th, 2008, 04:40 PM
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Im not sure what the holidays this year will be like. My SO has his daughter for Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. Last year it was easier because he didn't have her, so we went to my families house for Thanksgiving and then went later on in the evening to his families house(they didn't do anything...they didn't want to change their time so we missed having it with them basically..oh well). And he had his daughter on Christmas Eve so we stayed at his families house that day and then he came over later on Christmas and spent it with me.

This year could be crazy, cause I know his family doesn't want to budge on things...stubborn headed people!! The hard part is that we are not married and so our families give us greif about it and say...why dont you two just split up and go to each others family thing....well I don't think we should have to. Just because we aren't married yet, doesn't mean we aren't a family. We are!!! I need to talk to both sides of the family and see what we can work out. I am hoping that maybe his family will do thanksgiving later, cause my family always has it at noon. But if not, well then I may have to tell my mom that we are going to come over for dinner. Unfortunately that means we miss ALL the rest of the family, but I guess we all have to give and take right!

Oh the joys of all of this!! lol.
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