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As you know, my ex was an abusive (mentally and physically) man. I am now in a relationship with a man who loves me to no end and has proven he is always going to be here for me and my daughter. My dillema. I dont know if I am crazy or if I am normal of a person of my situation.
Mia goes to her dads every weekend 3 weekends a month from saturday 10am to sunday 6pm. Most of the time I have to deal with the ex. Everytime I do he has to say something to trigger this anger I have for him. Yesterday, he was supposed to drop her off at 6pm. He never is on time!!! Always 5-40 minutes late. Never calls to say I'm going to be a little late. Nothing just drops her off. I find this highly inconsiderate. I had something important to do yesterday so when I called and asked where he was he said he had something important to do. he finally showed up and I blew up!!! I wouldnt really care but I did it in front of my daughter and I feel horrible for doing it. He showed up got out of the car (i also got out) and I simply said you know you could call to say you are going to be late, court order is to be here at 6. He said IF YOU WOULD LET ME SEE MY DAUGHTER MORE I WOULDNT DO ANYTHING TO PISS YOU OFF!!! sorry the language. I just blew up and said if you were any kind of father you would help your kid out with school or anything else she needs and it just ended into a big fight. I got into the car and my poor baby was so upset. I apologized and explained to her that unfortunately that had to happen. I explained to her why I was upset and I explained to her that was no excuse to get so upset in front of her. She understood as much as a 5 year old can. She said they were at a soccer game??? Important???
Right before she left on saturday, mia told me that the ex's girlfriends 10 year olds sons friend pulled down the 10 year old pant in front of her. I told her that it was nasty and there was nothing funny about that. She said her daddy knew and he said it was ok they were just playing!!!! I dont see anything funny with a 10 year boy having his pants pulled down in front of my 5 year old daughter! I made her tell her dad in front of me to verify what she told me and he said o well!
Im not sure why, I harbor a lot of anger towards him not only from present conditions but also from things that happened and didnt happen in "our relationship". I want to know how to let go of the anger from the past while having to deal with the crap he is putting me through currently.
A couple weeks ago I posted a post about his mom dying and how he told mia about how she died. I also stated I wasnt sure if I wanted to let her go to the funeral. My decision was to not send her. I felt like I would need to be there to support her and I knew I couldnt go because of him. I knew if I went and he said something wrong to her that I felt was wrong I would flip out. I didnt want to disrespect anyone so my choice was final. He told my 5 year old that,"Mommy didnt let you go to say goodbye to grandma and she left to heaven!" My daughter was so upset with me, she really thought that she came back to life and then left again!!!! I had to explain to her that it doesnt work like that and I would never do anything to put her in harms way or to hurt her in any way.
He says he wants to see her more? How could I allow this when he is constantly saying bad things about me to my daughter. When I did let him have her more he still did nothing for her cept pay his little 175 a month. I want him to not see her at all! He wont give up rights out of spite!!!! He hates to give me anything i want, its always been that way. I am hurting sooo bad you guys. I am so confused. Im intimidated by him and I dont know why. I tried to do right with him and it never worked. He is living in a 700 thousand dollar house, driving a new car, going to school, going on cruises!!!! He wont even buy his daughter a freaking school uniform!!! GOD IM SO ANGRY!!!! I am taking off work to go to the lawyer but I am even scared to do that. Hes got this girl who has lots of money. What if he gets a lawyer and he ends up having everything turned around on me? I feel so horrible. I am bawling right now. I am so tired. Things were going so good. I didnt have to deal with this crap until he found out I got a house! Now its just drama!!!!!
Im sorry ladies. Thanks for listening though. Any thoughts are welcome.
Honey, I don't think you're crazy or abnormal in any way! I think that more often than not, people have unrsolved issues after a relationship ends and when you don't have kids, you can get over them a heck of a lot easier than you can when you do have kids. You're constantly having to deal with different situations when you have kids that make you come face to face with the person you're trying to get over--whether you're trying to get over love or anger, it's still "getting over". In your case, though you have moved on and found someone better for you and your daughter, you may still have some feelings that were never addressed that are causing you to feel this anger toward him. (I know...I was that way with my ex for about 2 years! I cold not stand to be in the same TOWN with him, let alone in the same room!) It takes time for those feelings to resolve and sometimes they never do. It's a shame that he is so insensitive aobut your daughter's feelings and how his words affect her.
First of all, document EVERYTHING! Every time he is late, write it down. everything he says that he shouldn't to you or to your daughter, write down the times, dates and what was said. When you finally get into court, you'll have all the ammunition you need to show what he has been doing. If he talks to her, and she cries because of something that was said, write it down. If he's able to go on a cruise and buy a new car, he can afford to pay for his daughter's school uniforms. If he can't take her one weekend because he is "on a cruise", you need to note that so that you can show #1 where his priorities are and #2 that he has enough money for that but claims he can't afford her uniforms/medical expenses/child support or whatever.
Then you need to sit down and list all the reasons you left him, what's good about your life now, what's bad about his life now and begin to see what reality is. He may be living in a big house and driving a fancy car but let me tell you those are NOT the things that make you happy! Yes, it's nice to have extra money for the luxuries but unless you have a good relationship--which you do--it's all a guilded cage. And trust me...if he's going out of his way to make you miserable, he is NOT happy! This is my reality as well. My ex is a miserable person who can't love anyone including himself because of the things he has done in his life. He doesn't love...he controls. He doesn't care about someone...he uses them for what they can give to his life. I didn't realise that until I met Tom and was suddenly happy for the first time in my life! Now I just don't care about my ex and his issues. I feel sorry for him because I know what he could potentially be but will never become because he is so intent on making everyone responsible for his misery...when in truth he made his own bed. I don't deal with him at all anymore. I see him once in a blue moon when he picks up or drops off my daughter but nothing more. He still resents the fact that I am happy and he is not. Well, that's his problem not mine. I used to harbor a lot of anger toward him and hated him with a passion! Now I feel ambivalent toward him. Someday, you will too. Until then, vent here as much as you need to and keep telling yourself you are beetter than he is and that he is just trying to tick you off. Don't let him win!!! In fact, show him that you are the better parent and that you are the better person! Seeth all you want once you lose sight of him but while you're in front of him, smile and say "Next time, if you're going to be a little late, could you please call me and let me know? I'd really appreciate it!" PERIOD! If he tries to bring up seeing his daughter more, say "Well, we can certainly discuss that possibility sometime. Call me." and let it go. He's TRYING to make you look bad and to show himself that he still has power over you and can make your life miserable. He doesn't get to have that power anymore!!! You're DIVORCED! The more you smile and be sweet, the less control or power he has over you. And believe me I DO understand how hard that is! I did it with my ex! Now it comes from the heart. I feel nothing but pity for him.
I hope that helps and please vent here anytime!
thank you ladies for your responses. Blondzilla-your response really hit me. You are soo right about everything that you told me I guess I just needed to know that I was really not crazy and it wasnt that I was in love still or blah blah blah. You made me evaluate a lot and although I havent got down to writing pro's and con's I already know the pro's outweigh the cons a miliion times. You are such wonderful ladies and I appreciate your help. Thanks again