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This is not my problem & I put my foot down...


Forum: Blended Families

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  #1  
November 17th, 2008, 12:54 PM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2007
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DH's son (my DSS) is enrolled in archery. Has been for a while. Fine. Ends this month.

DH tells me that his son was starting basketball in December, even though there are issues (behavioral) which would constitute of 1 night a week of practice & a game on Saturday mornings. Fine.

My DS (who is 8) starts basketball in December too, no practice during the week, just a game/practice combo on Saturdays, same time, same place, 1 hour total, no score keeping, very informal. Fine.

My DS also does religious Ed. & Church every Sunday, I do not consider this an extra ciricular activity, to me this is mandatory and part of our morals & background, this our lifestyle, just like school, it is not an option.

My 2 little guys, do not do anything, they are 2 & almost 1.

DH calls me today & says that his son, is now ALSO enrolled in martial arts. And that the martial arts is held on Mondays & Thursday nights. NOT FINE...and let me tell you why.

1.) we cannot afford another activity as we have 4 kids & it should be 1 activity per season/per child...period. We do not need to be footing bills & driving all over creation to acomodate a child to more than 1 activity. PERIOD.

2.) My DH has visitation w/ his son, that is already breeched on his ex's side, he's SUPPOSED to have his son every other weekend. That hasn't happened in well over a year. But what does happen, is my DH has his son on both Mondays & Tuesdays nights, for 2 hours after school, he picks up his son, brings the child to my MIL's house & they eat dinner, watch TV, homework, he drops off the child & DH comes home. This is the ONLY time my DH sees the child. THE ONLY TIME.

DH called me this morning & asked me to switch my time off from Monday's to Thursdays. I said "NO, I am sorry"... aside from the fact that I already have set time slots w/ someone that sees me on Thursdays, I am tired of breaking my life & doing what ever for bio-mom. She does nothing for me & has no regard for us when we need to switch things around yet she went ahead & signed up her son for a class, paid it, didn't consult anyone about this to make sure that we could afford this, make sure that this date/time would work or anything. NOTHING!!! She has no regard for anyone & she thinks that cause she has 1 child, that's all that matters, well that's not the case.

You don't just sign up a kid for ANYTHING w/ out consulting w/ the other parent when 2 parents are making the decisions, even if the parents are married, you usually consult each other, I always check w/ DH before doing stuff, they're not married, have a kid together & she's just doing what ever & telling him after the fact & DH says to me "I feel like I shouldn't deny him of anything & give him every opportunity to do what he wants"... that would be fine if he had no wife (ME) or other kids to care for but we are a FAMILY & he can't just say yes to his ex or his son from that prior marriage & do it out of guilt & then deal w/ the consequences for it later. Doesn't work that way, that's why they call it 50% custody & "co-parenting". DH has to be made aware for various reasons, aside from making sure that we can afford to foot half of the expense (which we cannot), this time is being taken away from my husband from seeing his child. This isn't just about money, it's now a matter of him not seeing his own son & instead of her consulting him, she just ASSUMED he would be able to switch days to see his son w/ the snap of a finger.

Here is where she & my DH are wrong. They've forgotten that there are 4 other persons, 3 are kids, that matter & require care & money & energy. You can't ASSUME that they will be swapped out b/c you want to do martial arts. Sorry. If this child was simply doing JUST martial arts, you know what? I would be more than willing to accommodate him/her & whom ever. But he's doing more than that, and no one even bothered to say "hey, we were thinking of doing this too, what do you think about switching this day? would you be able too? could we afford it?" nope. They signed him up & told me.

I said to DH. "NOT MY PROBLEM"... "you took it upon yourself to allow your ex to sign up your child to do another activity & on your time slot w/ him, then I don't know what to say, I guess either you don't see him or you are going to have to go to the martial arts studio & watch him practice to see him b/c I can't help you"...

In fact, my son is preparing to make his first Eucharist w/ his church in May of 09', and part of it requires Tues. night meetings, I told my DH that I would need him to come home for those evenings (1 night per month) & that as a result of him having to miss out on time w/ his son on those nights, he could go see his son on Wed instead b/c I didn't want to take time away from him & his son. So I'm accommodating more than anything & he's not going to pull the guilt card on me.

Sorry for the long thread here but I am super done & irritated & needed to get this out.

If you got this far, thanks!
~C
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  #2  
November 17th, 2008, 04:47 PM
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I think you're right. I don't think they should have done this without consulting you first since it does impact you as well. I feel for you and I hope it all works out in the end but they've got to understand it's not just what they want. Like you said there are other people that this impacts and it isn't fair for them to do something like that with no warning or consultations. Stand your ground--like we all know you can!
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  #3  
November 17th, 2008, 04:59 PM
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Michigan
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well, i think you are right for feeling the way you do. I'm sorry you have to go through the b/s. I hope everything smooths out for you! Stand your ground. You are right for feeling this way!
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  #4  
November 18th, 2008, 12:32 PM
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 8,929
Oh boy! I feel you pain!!!!!

DH & I had this battle out earlier this year. I was beginning to feel resentful. Our situation was a little bit different - DSD live 4 hours away so it's a big deal to get them for weekends. Well I realized that DH consulted HIS schedule, his EX's schedule & his daughters' schedules but nobody asked me about my schedule.

I mean DH has to be gone for 5 hours Friday night & 5 hours Sunday night to do the transfers. That affects my schedule because I have to have both kids. Plus he & his ex NEVER plan ahead. I'd never know when the weekend was until the day before! So I never planned activities for my kids or to do things with my friends because I never knew when we'd have his girls.

Anyhoo, I did what your are doing & stood up. So far it's working a bit better.
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  #5  
November 19th, 2008, 06:08 AM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: In the enchanted forest
Posts: 5,257
Quote:
Oh boy! I feel you pain!!!!!

DH & I had this battle out earlier this year. I was beginning to feel resentful. Our situation was a little bit different - DSD live 4 hours away so it's a big deal to get them for weekends. Well I realized that DH consulted HIS schedule, his EX's schedule & his daughters' schedules but nobody asked me about my schedule.

I mean DH has to be gone for 5 hours Friday night & 5 hours Sunday night to do the transfers. That affects my schedule because I have to have both kids. Plus he & his ex NEVER plan ahead. I'd never know when the weekend was until the day before! So I never planned activities for my kids or to do things with my friends because I never knew when we'd have his girls.

Anyhoo, I did what your are doing & stood up. So far it's working a bit better.[/b]
OMG... sounds like my DH EXACTLY... he NEVER plans ahead, NEVER... and then he just decides last minute that we're doing this & that. Well...that MIGHT be okay if the child lived down the street, but that's not the case & if he thinks I'm going to load up 3 kids, 2 are babies, and drive an hour one way, no, no, no... sorry, no... I did that last year, my toddler, it was kind of okay, I sucked it up, but now w/ the baby, he's not even 1, I'm not doing it, I wont do it & I've said "no"... so now, I just don't go. I didn't even go to my DSS Birthday dinner, he had no plans, and then expected me to pick up last minute & get my baby out of his nap & drive in the dark to a location I have no idea where I am going for a dinner at the 99. No, no, no... It's not like he told me a week ago "we're doing this"... I'm tired of it. Everyone seems to think that we can all just do as they want, I'm done.
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