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  #1  
November 19th, 2008, 12:49 PM
JustBecca's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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This subforum is going to be for everything ex's!

Posts here can include anything about ex's. You can include links, tips, stories or anything that has helped or not helped you in dealing with your ex's or your SO's ex.

We thought that it might be helpful to have a section just for this reason!

Enjoy and Post away!
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  #2  
November 21st, 2008, 05:11 AM
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Good idea! Thanks for thinking of it!
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  #3  
November 22nd, 2008, 09:18 AM
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Great idea! I would love to read tips and such on how to deal with an ex.
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  #4  
November 30th, 2008, 12:10 AM
Ellemphriem's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
This subforum is going to be for everything ex's!

Posts here can include anything about ex's. You can include links, tips, stories or anything that has helped or not helped you in dealing with your ex's or your SO's ex.

We thought that it might be helpful to have a section just for this reason!

Enjoy and Post away![/b]
My idea is quite simple in this. If it is your ex then u simply DON'T deal with them unless you have kids with him/her and on that i can say nothing since i've never had this experience. If it is your SO's ex that you need to deal with then u simply don't deal with her/him either. You let your SO deal with them and you stay nobly out of the picture. IF by chance your SO is placing you front line to deal with his/her ex then there is an issue with your SO, as that should never ever happen..... I met my DSD mom ONCE, we shook hands, we exchanged few simple kind words and THAT IS THAT. Never saw her up close again and never had to deal with her in ANY WAY. Even when she calls on my DH's phone and he is asleep, i give the phone straight to DSD and don't talk to her. I am out of the picture man......totally out of it And i am very peaceful, my DH is peaceful and bio-mom is peaceful also because she would have never ever said 'at least there is someone there that takes good care of you' to her daughter if things were different......

My idea?? Keep it simple and keep out of the way ....
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  #5  
December 1st, 2008, 05:08 AM
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Oh if only it was that easy for most of us! lol I don't deal with at all anymore. She doesn't even acknowledge me so why should I try anymore? I've heard countless stories which are far worse than mine so other than how poorly she parents and manages her money (goes hand in hand with poor parenting in her case) I don't even bother. But all too many women have the BM causing problems in their lives and marriages and that's a tough one to deal with. Some women just can't seem to get over the fact that there is a NEW wife and an addition to the parenting module that they had NO CHOICE in picking out. I think that's the main thing. I know I would not want just anyone taking care of my young child! I'd want to KNOW them a little and decide if I thought they were trustworthy. (I sure as heck would not trust my ex's decision making capabilities in that regard!) The other thing of course, is jealousy. A lot of times it isn't that the ex still wants the guy back but that she is jealous that he can be happier with someone else or maybe because she hasn't found anyone yet. Sometimes I think it's almost a race to see who can find someone else first! (This could also explain why so many people get divorced 2 or 3 times!) It's hard to put a relationship behind you when you have to see that person EOW or sometimes more often.
From BM's perspective, Before you had kids, when you broke up with someone you usually didn't have to see them again unless you accidentally ran into them somewhere. With kids, not only do you have to see them frequently, but you also have to maintain contact with them often to discuss issues with the children. Their name is constantly being brought up to you and you just can't escape! "Daddy says" or "When I go to daddy's house" is just reopening old wounds. You have to share the most important parts of your life with someone you don't like anymore or need to get over and it just prolongs the process. When he remarries, added to the mix is that kind of jealousy. But you can't say anything because you're not his wife now. So instead, you cause problems, become unreasonable about visitation or CS or allowing the kids to be left alone with "that " (insert B for W) To the outside world, it seems completely wrong and mischievious. To you, it's just a result of your feelings that you cannot seem to get rid of. Sometimes you can be adult about it and say "Well, we weren't right for each other but she seems like a good person and they get along so much better than we ever did" (my case) Other times, those ugly feelings just can't be tamed and you act like a complete anytime you need to deal with "HER"...which is Tom's ex's case. We don't have any control over which type of BM we're going to get. In the begining, I honestly thought we were going to get along just fine. She was nice and at one point before we got married, she asked my opinion about something and said "After all, you're in this family now, too!" As the wedding grew closer, I noticed a change but I chalked it up to some feelings of jealousy because her married boyfriend that she'd been with for 5 or 6 years now, refuses to leave his wife and marry her and Tom and I hadn't known each other but 2 weeks when we moved in together and 6 months later were getting married! (yeah I know it ws fast but we knew INSTANTLY that it was right! 3 years later, we have never argued or even raised our voices ONCE! ) After the wedding it became apparent she was NOT going to adjust well to the marriage and I distanced myself from the situation so it would not backfire on Tom and the kids. Some step mothers have a hard time doing that also which adds fuel to the fire.
Each situation is different and no one set of rules can work for everyone EXCEPT do what is right for the children no matter how hard it is for you! After all, that's what all this is about, right?
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  #6  
December 8th, 2008, 09:30 AM
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I challenge someone to make a post about an ex here that gives a tip. and NO hitting her or him over the head with a rock counts!
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  #7  
December 26th, 2008, 09:05 AM
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Quote:
I challenge someone to make a post about an ex here that gives a tip. and NO hitting her or him over the head with a rock counts![/b]
Be Respectful, always, truly and completely in all interactions with Ex and about Ex when little ones are around. Even when that respect isn't returned. My DH and I have made this our rule. At the end of the day we can say we did what we felt was right.
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  #8  
December 28th, 2008, 01:26 PM
ToonTownGirl's Avatar Super Mommy
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Quote:
Quote:
I challenge someone to make a post about an ex here that gives a tip. and NO hitting her or him over the head with a rock counts![/b]
Be Respectful, always, truly and completely in all interactions with Ex and about Ex when little ones are around. Even when that respect isn't returned. My DH and I have made this our rule. At the end of the day we can say we did what we felt was right.
[/b]

I would agree with this 100%. And if you know that you aren't going to get the same response from the Ex, then just don't bother interacting with her if you don't have to. We NEVER trash talk the in front of my DSS, it is totally uncalled for, and we know that he gets that at her house, so since when do 2 wrongs make a right? He has come to us telling us stories of mommy calling me names, and he says that it hurts his feelings because he knows that it would hurt mine. I could care less what she thinks of me, but knowing that it hurts him, hurts me.

I guess I just don't understand why people can't just be ADULTS about this? These children didn't ask to be brought into this mess.... but yet day after day you see children being put in the middle of it. And IMHO it's ridiculous and UNACCEPTABLE. For the WOMEN and the MEN that do this, you should have your children taken away from you. It is a form of child abuse and it is not acceptable behavior for and ADULT to be doing.

Cheers,
T
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  #9  
January 1st, 2009, 01:12 PM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
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<span style="font-family:Book Antiqua">I believe (my libber genes go crazy with this one) that men & women convey different facets of life to their children. Women tend to be concerned with socialization: manners, morals, respect, appreciation, cleanliness, thoughtfulness, etc, as well as physical & emotional health. Men tend to be concerned with results: touchdowns, batting averages, spelling bees, "accomplishments" in general. (You know the really important stuff!). In normal (not critically dysfunctional) nuclear families, this arrangement works pretty well. The children develop bonds with their parents which permit the parents to maintain the "moral authority" to deal with their kids. Most of these men think they've been great parents, & have terrific kids who could be loved by anyone. Then they get divorced & eventually marry us, expecting everything to function in the same way that it did in the first marriage. The problem is, they have no idea beyond their own personal, limited "input" what is involved in raising kids. One step mom on one of the boards made the remark "I just don't understand how his 4 year old son can be sitting directly between him & the TV, & he doesn't see the kid playing with a lighter!" I believe he doesn't see because he's never had to. There has always been a woman in his life that takes care of "that stuff."

When we as step moms come into the lives of these people, many of us already mothers to our own bio-kids, we willingly assume that we can expand our mothering role to include our new stepchildren, intending to keep on doing what we've been doing. Even those who have never had children of their own have those "mothering genes." Our problem is that we don't have the bonding with these kids that is required to give us the "moral authority" to parent our stepchildren. The only way we can get that "authority" is through our DHs, & he must give it to us by expecting & demanding that his kids respond to us with obedience & respect, or at least respectful behavior. THAT is what is meant by a supportive DH. Most of them THINK they are supportive, & many of US think they are supportive. But unless they are willing to discipline their children every single time they speak disrespectfully to us, or ignore us, or disobey us, they are giving their children permission to continue & sometimes escalate, this behavior. And because our DHs have NEVER had to be mothers, they don't know what we're talking about when we try to get their help. They are still being the same parents they were when they were married to their exes, things worked out ok there, so they assume that the problem is US!

The more we "nag" & point out what's wrong with their kids, the more convinced they become that we have no parenting skills. The more we are determined that these kids ARE GOING TO MIND US, the more parenting we do. And the more parenting we do, the less our DHs have to do. This is exactly the way they want it. They would rather we didn't scream so much, but we're getting the job done (the kids brush their teeth when we're red in the face; they go to bed when we have spittle spewing). Dad can just keep on being a father, which means he doesn't fool with this stuff. But he's still thinking we're crazy, & can't understand why we're so mean to his kids. In addition, our "criticism" of his kids is seen as a criticism of him.

DH is not a mother, has never been a mother, & doesn't know what it means or requires being a mother. DH is content being the same parent he has always been, & thinks his kids are fine the way they are. He's just as confused as we are about why we're having so many problems with our stepchildren, but in his heart, he believes that we are at fault.

Now we come to the kids themselves. Here we have children who, for the most part, have been raised by two parents with whom they are bonded & for whom they accept the power of their bio-parents authority. We step moms come into their lives with no bond & with no authority. But we blindly assume the role of mother in our own homes, & all the responsibility involved. After the "honeymoon" with the kids is over, if we even have that period of peace & tranquility, the kids begin to test the waters. Now, keep in mind, they do this with their bio-parents too, but quickly submit to the authority of these people for whom they have respected & admired since birth. They look to DH to see what they can get by with, because they have no intention of submitting to our authority until they are made to do so. DH has never involved himself in these struggles between his ex & his kids, because she can handle it herself. He doesn't see the problem. The kids don't know that he can't see the problem. They think he is giving them unspoken permission to defy us. And so they do. The struggles become more angry, more bitter, more frustrating.

And another amazing thing occurs. In some cases, we give these kids their first real taste of power. With their parents, they are willing to submit, because if nothing else, they fear the loss of their parents' approval. They feel no such need to have our approval. They find that with the mere shrug of a shoulder or a rolling of the eyes that they can turn a big strong adult into a raging maniac. By this time, we have become so frustrated, everything they do infuriates us. And in getting by with disrespectful behavior (& they get by with it because DH doesn't stop it), they are encouraged to even greater heights of disrespect, & gaining an even greater sense of power. We end up handing these kids tremendous power over us, on a silver platter, & they love it.
There we are, doing all the work (laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, chauffeuring, supplying needs, the list is endless), doing everything reasonable to maintain our family as we had envisioned, and these kids are treating us like bugs on the soles of their shoes. We are raging to our DHs, who can't understand why we're so angry, & we're wondering what we're doing here, working our rears off, trying to raise these children, feeling abused & unappreciated by DH AND his kids. Sometimes we think about divorce.

Now it's time to disengage.

In order to successfully disengage, you have to accept some realities.

They are:

1. Your stepchildren, they are not your children.
2. You are not responsible for overcoming their previous "raising."
3. You are not responsible for what kind of people they are.
4. You are not responsible for what kind of people they become.
5. You are not obligated to become an abused member of the household just because you married their dad.
6. You are not responsible for raising your stepchildren.
7. All the responsibility belongs to your DH.
8. Your DH is not a mother.
9. Your DH is not going to raise his children the way you want him to.
10. Your stepchildren are not going to turn out the way they would if DH supported you.

What all this means is this: You must stop parenting your stepchildren. You must stop telling them what is expected of them. You must stop disciplining them. You must turn over all responsibility for them to your DH. You must allow DH to make whatever mistakes he makes.

But first, you must explain to DH & your stepchildren what is happening. This is what you say: "Everyone is unhappy, our home is miserable, & I'm completely frustrated & angry all the time. You kids are angry & frustrated with me, & it's getting worse. Someone has to do something about this, & I decided that it will be me. I have decided that I will no longer be responsible for getting you to bed on time, or getting you up in the mornings. I will not tell you to wash your hands before dinner, & I will not tell you to brush your teeth or take a bath. (You must list all those things for which you have assumed responsibility, whatever they are). I am no longer going to do anything that will give you the opportunity to treat me with disrespect. In the future, if you need anything, you must ask your dad. I will no longer take responsibility for (whatever, getting your school supplies, shopping for your clothes, doing your laundry, taking you to basketball practice, etc.) What I hope to accomplish is for us to begin to get along with each other, & the only way I know to do that is to let your dad be the parent."

Many of you may be saying, does all this mean I have no rights? Absolutely not. You must choose your battles, & to disengage, your battles should be about those things that DIRECTLY affect you. For example, you have a right to keep your home with the degree of neatness & cleanliness that you desire (just leave the step-children’s rooms alone & concentrate on the communal areas). You can say, "From now on, I expect everyone to put their stuff away by bedtime. Since I will no longer be asking you to do it because I don't want to argue with you, anything that is left out after 9:00pm will be disposed." Period, no discussion, just do it. If it's important to DH for his kids to keep their "stuff," HE will parent his children, or do it himself. "If you don't clear the table after dinner, I will not set a place for you at the next meal." Period, no discussion, just do it. If it's important to DH for his kids to eat, HE will parent his children, or do it himself. "If you leave your dirty clothes on the floor in the bathroom, they will be disposed." Are you getting the idea?

You see, the REAL problem is not between you & your stepchildren; it's between you & your DH. These children are HIS responsibility, & if he wants good things for them, he will parent them. If he doesn't care (believe me, he really does!), why should you beat your head against the wall?

You may be thinking, this is nuts! We agreed to be "parents" to each other's children. Yes, but he also agreed to be a parent to his OWN children. None of this means that you can't do ANYTHING. It's very likely that DH will need your help. That's OK. The issue here is that DH must ASK you for your help; instead of what you've been doing - assuming the responsibility & being unappreciated for it.

When DH needs something done that he can't do himself (a ride for one of the kids while he's a work, for example), first, you have already told the kids "Go ask dad." So DH is REQUIRED to become involved in his children's lives. He now must THINK ABOUT what's involved in raising his kids, & we all know it's a lot of work. And you can agree to help out, only if DH asks. BUT, to disengage, you must be willing to withdraw your agreement to help IF the kids, between now & the event treat you disrespectfully! And you must refuse to assist next time if DH & the kids don't say "Thank you." You also have a RIGHT to have your efforts appreciated.

When you begin to value yourself in this whole relationship by expecting to be treated with respect & appreciation, you'll feel a lot better. When I say "to value yourself" I mean that if your efforts are not appreciated - don't do it! Sometimes the stepchildren will think, "Well, we're in the car on the way to the ballgame, now I'm home free to be disrespectful!" BAM! They smart off to you! Well, turn that car around & take them back home - don't raise your voice or act insulted or point out how ungrateful they are. Just say "I'm sorry you've decided to treat me disrespectfully. I must withdraw my offer to take you."
BTW, these are also good methods of getting your OWN children's respectful behavior!

I know, from my own experience, just how hard it is to "let go." But it's up to you to make the choice - "Am I going to continue to live in this awful situation, or am I going to do something about it." While you fear what will happen to everyone when you "disengage," as if the family will fall apart, you will be surprised at the change in your own life. I can't guarantee that everything will turn out the way it has for me, but I can guarantee that you will no longer feel angry, frustrated, resentful, & hurt. The HARDEST part is giving up the need to straighten out these kids & "change" them into the children YOU want them to be.
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  #10  
January 7th, 2009, 08:56 AM
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That was really helpful. It all makes sense and I hope to remember all of this when it comes time for me to deal with SOs girls.
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