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  #1  
November 30th, 2008, 10:11 AM
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  #2  
November 30th, 2008, 10:22 AM
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I have a friend who was with a girl from the time she was 3 months pregnant with another mans baby up until the child was 4 years old. He was the ONLY father figure that little girl ever knew. They broke up about a year and a half ago and he still gets her every other weekend, she STILL calls him daddy (hers is no where in the picture and her mom has even since married) In this situation with my friend I understand it.

Your situation though it doesn't seem healthy. Various men in and out, that's confusing for a child. It sounds like my step daughters mom. She always had various boyfriends and always had the kids calling them daddy. What does your hubbys ex have to say about this or have you spoken to her about it??


My kids call Michael daddy once in awhile. With the boys we sat down and talked to them. We told them that they have a real daddy (whom they do see) and that he will always be their real daddy. And that mommy and Michael are going to get married and he will be their step daddy. So we told them that they could call him Michael like they had been or they could call him daddy. (they had called him daddy a few times prior to this so that's what prompted the talk) The majority of the time the boys call him Michael, but they do call him daddy from time to time too. Trinity, she calls him daddy or Michael daddy lol. She's too little to really understand, but she does know her dad and she does call her real dad daddy.

Does all that make sense? LOL
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  #3  
November 30th, 2008, 04:02 PM
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There is no way I would let mia call anyone daddy, when the ex stayed out of her life for 2 years, I still didnt let her call anyone daddy. Sounds like the ex is a lil wacko and needs some parenting skills
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  #4  
November 30th, 2008, 05:22 PM
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We don't let Alex call Jon's ex Emily's boyfriends daddy... so I am going to go with no. And we don't let Alex call me mommy.
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  #5  
November 30th, 2008, 05:59 PM
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I didn't realize so many people were against it. I don't see anything wrong with my ex husband getting married and my kids calling his future wife mommy. Cause in terms she is their step mom. Of course the choice will always be up to them as to what they call us.
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  #6  
November 30th, 2008, 07:16 PM
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I am not really against it, but considering there are different men coming and going we don't want the boyfriends called daddy. Jon and I have already decided once Emily and him are married, Alex can call the respective partners Mom or Dad. Another reason we are against it right now is cause she is still young enough to get confused easily. When she is older and knows the difference, we don't really care.
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  #7  
November 30th, 2008, 08:33 PM
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I am not really against it, but considering there are different men coming and going we don't want the boyfriends called daddy. Jon and I have already decided once Emily and him are married, Alex can call the respective partners Mom or Dad. Another reason we are against it right now is cause she is still young enough to get confused easily. When she is older and knows the difference, we don't really care.[/b]
Oh ya I totally understand that. My ex husbands daughter (whom I still consider very much my step daughter even though we are no longer married) Her mom had boyfriend after boyfriend. Even if they were together a week she was having the girls call them daddy! It was INSANE!! My step daughter came to live with us for about a year and she called every single male she encountered dad. I kid you not EVERY single one. It was confusing for her! (She was only 3 at this time)


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  #8  
December 1st, 2008, 04:00 AM
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Okay, this is a tough one. I don't think anyone should be calling anyone "daddy" that is not their "daddy"...BUT...just b/c someone isn't a bio-dad, doesn't mean they aren't a father. My gal pals son has a bio-dad & refers him as "____ daddy" first name then daddy but calls her husband daddy, b/c since he was 8 mos. old, that's the ONLY person that has been in his life, consistently & been a REAL father to him. His bio-dad, sees him, perhaps, maybe every 4 months? And that's if he's not in jail. So in that instance I think it's okay, and if my gal pal & her husband got divorced tomorrow & her husband wanted visitation w/ her son, whom he's been a father too since he was a baby, who is now a grown child, I think that is fine.

Now my DS has had my DH in his life since he was 3, but doesn't call my DH "daddy"... the ironic part is that my toddler (who I had DH w/) calls DH by his first name, not on purpose, but b/c he hears me call my DH by his first name & he hears my older son calling DH by his first name, the toddler, Cooper will say "Mark, your home!" or yesterday in the food store he said "Mark, come back!" when he went down an isle to get something. It makes DH VERY angry & VERY hurt. I tell DH all the time. He is confused, he doesn't know & he knows you are his father, he just hears you being called Mark all the time from me, Dominic & my family, Teighan can't say Dad & Jake is never here so there is no daddy being thrown around". It really does hurt him though & I can see it in his face & he says it all the time to me. He'll say "he doesn't say it to you & I call you Chantelle?" yes... but everyone else calls me "mom" in this house, including Teighan... So there are no mistakes that "I" am the mom. KWIM? I know that is a different scenario but kids do get confused, just an exampled of that.

See where I am going w/ this?

Now, if this is a boyfriend that was in her life for under a year, and didn't live w/ her etc., etc., then no, I don't think he should be known as "daddy"... should he have visitation? Maybe "supervised" would be appropriate b/c he has established some sort of friendship. My friends like to see my kids, it could be looked at the same way. My kids call a lot of my friends "Auntie" and they are not related to them, but I like that cause I have 2 sisters I have never met & that's how I like to do things but again, totally different here.

From the way you described this though, it sounds like she has men in & out of her life & people are taking the kids overnight. I dunno. I can't really speak intelligently about this as I am not really getting the full story of how long they were together, how long did he live w/ her? What sort of bond/relationship did he have w/ this child & so on. KWIM?

If the child likes going w/ this man/guy & the guy wants to spend time w/ her & loves her, as a daughter like type, wants to spoil her, take her out, buy her stuff, show her affection, no child should be denied that. No child can be loved TOO much, unless it's inappropriate. And as long as this extra time spent w/ this guy isn't on your time, then I don't think it's really an issue that you need to worry about. If something bad was happening, I'd say that it was different, but it seems pretty harmless.

The "daddy" name calling, I think that's wrong though. This is a common "no, no"... and people tend to have a child do that & confuse the heck out of them & end up hurting the REAL father in the end, b/c let's face it, "real dad" is hurt, not the child, right?

I think taking a step back & allowing your DH to handle this would be best. If he is okay w/ this guy spending quality time & thinks it's not "weird" (and I mean weird in a child predator way), then it's something that you can live w/ too. Let DH handle that piece of it. I am sure he's giving his ex a mouthful about having another man being called daddy from his daughter, and that will be fixed.

Hope that makes sense. I am not trying to justify any of it, but some can be justified, depending on the background & some can't. I guess as I said, it depends on the situation/background & how your husband feels. Let him take the reigns & see what he wants to do.

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  #9  
December 1st, 2008, 05:30 AM
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Personally, I don't see any reason for a man who is NOT in the child's life on a regular basis to be called "daddy" OR to have any sort of visitation. This is the reason when my ex and I divorced we agreed not to parade a line of "potential"'s through their lives. I never introduced anyone I dated to my kids until I was serious about them. Happened twice. Once was a man I was dating and I knew he'd gotten me a ring and was going to pop the question so I introduced him to my kids. He could not deal with the fact that I had to make a lot of decisions based on them--he never had kids--so we wound up breaking up. The other time was Tom. None of my kids ever called him dad even though Tori will flat out tell anyone who'll listen that Tom has been more of a father to her since she's known him than her biological father has been her entire life! She loves him dearly! Her "father" she tolerates.
"Daddy" should be reserved for the primary paternal figure in a child's life when the biological father is absent or not involved. To some extent it should be left to the child to decide if they want to bestow that honor on the stepfather--it should never be forced. It should NOT be used on someone who isn't related to the child in any way and isn't even a regular part of their life! How confusing is that! There is nothing wrong (IMO) with the child calling the stepfather by his first name or by calliing him by daddy___ or ___daddy. Whatever feels comfortable to the man, and to the children in question. You allow them to consider their mother's old boyfriend as "daddy" and what happens when he meets someone else and decides to have kids and doesn't want (or his new wife will not allow) to have the kids in their lives? I just would not allow him to be called daddy by ANY of the kids, and I would not let them spend the weekend every time he gets the urge to play daddy to them. It's hurtful to the children.
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  #10  
December 1st, 2008, 07:36 AM
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Last edited by QueSeraSara; May 8th, 2009 at 09:47 AM.
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  #11  
December 1st, 2008, 12:30 PM
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Under the circumstances presented, I don't think it's a good idea & could be very confusing.

I do think however, that all situations are different. Lucy started calling DH stepdaddy when we told her we were getting married and her bio dad whom she had supervised visits was daddy. Then she dropped the step & to distinguish the 2 we would say Daddy (Name) for DH & Daddy for bio dad. As bio dad continued to screw up & Lucy realized it (this all started when she was 3) and DH really was the only father she knew, she went to DH being Daddy & her bio dad to being Daddy (name).

Prior to the adoption she hadn't seen nor spoken to her bio dad for a year. So he doesn't come up much. When she does talk about him it's Daddy (name).

She did this all on her own starting at 3 1/2 & ending at 6. Had her bio dad been more in the picture, I don't think it would have happened. I think she would have called DH Daddy (name) anyway because she was very young when he entered our lives.

My DSDs call me Kris. That is there choice and I agree. We are not close - they live 4 hours away and there have been issues. I can't even imagine requesting them to call me mom....

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  #12  
December 2nd, 2008, 10:35 AM
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I do not think that calling an ex BF daddy is right! #1 he is an EX #2 they are not together so it is not like they are getting married and he is going to be in these childrens lives forever. #3 I think that it is confusing them

My DD calls my DH Daddy but that is because that is the only daddy that she has. There is no chance that her birthfather is going to come into her life and even when they were talking and emailing she still called him Troy. She is the one that started all that and I let her because that is what makes her comfortable.
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  #13  
December 2nd, 2008, 01:47 PM
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I think it all comes down to how the adult makes the kid's feel. How can i say anything when DSD calls me mom AFTER i had asked her several times not to, and explained to her that mommy is only one. You know what she says? 'You feel like a second mom to me, so i will call you mom'.........

I can't say anything else.......
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  #15  
December 5th, 2008, 09:18 AM
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Gosh, I feel dumb now. The post was long, I must have missed the part where you put in that this boyfriend had only been in the pic for 3 months. Yeah... not okay. Not even close. I wouldn't be okay w/ that in the least, no visitation, no calling daddy, not that type of time frame. Sorry.

Sometimes when the posts/threads are longer, I'll miss a detail, which obviously I did, in this case, an important one, I apologize.

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  #16  
December 5th, 2008, 09:36 AM
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Speaking from personal experience, I'd be angry if I were in that situation but I am not & my ex wouldn't be that dumb and neither would his wife, if they tried that garbage I'd be in court so fast heads would be spinning. Even though my son has known his step-mom since day 1, I would be FURIOUS if he called her mom. That would be a slap in my face. I carried that child. I gave birth to that child, I raised that child. My son... I raised him ALONE, as a VERY single parent, no help.

I took care of my son, I am the one who made the decision to care & raise him, sacrifice for him & do it all. So to have him EVER, call ANYONE ELSE, in the name of God, MOM, other than ME, is under NO CIRCUMSTANCE, acceptable. And if I ever were to find out that someone were trying to get my son to call them "mom"... there would be serious legal circumstances, period. No one will ever take my place as "mom"... they know who mom is to them, that's me. And out of respect for my step-son, I would NEVER, EVER, try to do that to his mother either, he has a mother, I am not her. I am his step-mother by law, but in reality, more of his friend.

There are certain circumstances that makes sense to have a child call a person that is not their bio-parent be called "mommy" or "daddy"...but those circumstances are very delicate & very different. Not to be taken lightly, or thrown around as a term like "hi" or "bye"... no way. Sorry. If this mom is doing this to her kids, she has more issues than you can help her with. If I were DH/dad, I'd be taking some legal action on this. No one should be trying to replace his place as Father & visa versa, period.

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  #18  
December 5th, 2008, 06:56 PM
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While I understand your feelings on this, I would say that my feelings are a bit different. Like you, I raised my son by myself for the first year and a half of his life. His father visited once a month. But, if my son decides to call his step-mom "mom" when he is at his dad's house, it doesn't bother me one bit. I am secure enough in my position as his mother that I wouldn't make a big deal about it. I know he loves me, and I know that the sacrifces I made for him won't be discounted, even if he calls his dad's wife "mom" from time to time. She still isn't me.[/b]
It has nothing to do w/ my security as a parent or how I feel as a mother. I wont get into details as I don't justify my reasons to anyone, let alone people I don't know. My reasons are not about comfort, I'll leave it at that. It has nothing to do w/ who I am as a person or that I am unsure of my position as a mother, I am 100% secure in that. It's impossible to understand or empathize a persons feelings when you have yet to walk a day in their shoes.

Speaking on my terms, it's not okay, but that's for me. Everyone's situation is different, blended families are very complex & no two are the same. Everyone can have a situation that works for them that might not work for the next family & so on. Doesn't mean it's right or wrong. Just means it works for that family. If it doesn't work for your family, then obviously, you don't do it & adjust it, work through it, etc. That's the glory of it, people can do what they want as long as it works for all persons involved. It's when there is conflict & sorrow, then you can't, and that's when you have to make adjustments, whether or not you agree w/ the conflict, others have conflict & that's when the terms need to be worked out. It can be a tough situation, especially when the co-parents don't get along. It's a hard situation to work through. Being married & having kids, hard, blending 2 or more families, from different backgrounds, different parents, different rules, you name it, well... that much harder. You are working w/ a ton of issues. Some work, some don't.

In my situation, there are weeks that things are great, and then "BAM", there is a bad experience & it's over the dumbest thing (on my end). We work through it & all goes well. Speaking on my DH's end, it's always a mess, never a dull moment, it's a matter of "coping"...sad, but true. I am both a bio & step mother, it's complicated & tricky. Either way, it's not easy. You are trying to make everyone happy. In the end, you have to set aside your personal feelings & make sure you are doing the right thing for the children, even if you are not happy w/ the results. The children come first. Even if you have to bite your lip & pretend to be happy, you do what you need to do. But there are also boundaries that need to respected, and calling someone else "mom" or "dad" is one of them.

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  #19  
December 5th, 2008, 07:31 PM
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