Log In Sign Up

What would you do?


Forum: Blended Families

Notices

Welcome to the JustMommies Message Boards.

We pride ourselves on having the friendliest and most welcoming forums for moms and moms to be! Please take a moment and register for free so you can be a part of our growing community of mothers. If you have any problems registering please drop an email to boards@justmommies.com.

Our community is moderated by our moderation team so you won't see spam or offensive messages posted on our forums. Each of our message boards is hosted by JustMommies hosts, whose names are listed at the top each board. We hope you find our message boards friendly, helpful, and fun to be on!

Reply Post New Topic
  Subscribe To Blended Families LinkBack Topic Tools Search this Topic Display Modes
  #1  
December 2nd, 2008, 09:09 AM
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 11
My fiance and future bonus children spent the weekend with my parents. During the weekend future step son confided in my dad that my fiance's ex has been blaming DF for the children's misbehaviors. Future stepdaughter overheard this conversation and initally was going to agree with the conversation then switched gears to trying to get her brother to stop talking about this. Darling Fiance and I have set the following ground rules for our relationship in regards to the children and their mom. 1) we do not ask about events, etc at their mom's house. Should the children feel they want to share we will listen but we do not initiate the conversations. We feel that the children's time with their mom is important and to be respected. This includes respect for phone calls, if the children want to call their mom we dial the phone and hand it to them and walk away. We do not listen in on conversations, they are private time for the child. 2) we do not speak about their mom in anything but positive terms with the children. Often this is a challenge to word responses to thing we disagree on in a positive manner. 3) If we feel the need to vent frustrations and the children are around we initiate an adults time out, in which DF and I go somewhere out of earshot of the children and discuss the situation. It is becoming clear these are not the rules that DF ex and her fiance are following. This is the first time this topic has ever been brought up and I am concerned about it but not sure if I am over reacting. Thanks for listening!
Reply With Quote
  #2  
December 2nd, 2008, 10:30 AM
JustBecca's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Suffolk, Virginia
Posts: 3,058
Send a message via Yahoo to JustBecca
First off...Welcome. I am Becca one of the hosts here. I have 3 children. Sadie is 9 and mone from a previous relationship. Together Kally and I have Lilly 7 and Gabe 3. We are currently getting the money together to have Kally adopt Sadie as her birthfather is not in her life at all!

I think that the rules that you have set up are great guidelines. You are doing a wonderful thing by trying to make it a happy house! I think that if you and DF are concerned about what is being said that you should confront that. You could ask the kids by saying something like "I wanted to talk to you about what you said to..." and see if anything is said there or you could just go straight to the birth mom and nicely ask what is going on. By you I don't mean you have to do it if that is not what has been set up by you and DF. He can do it if that is the way that you have it.

So I guess my advice is that if you are concerned about something that was said that you should find out exactly what is going on if that means talking to the kids or to the birthmom. I hope that this helps and that you stick around and post some more because we would love to have you here.
__________________

Thank you ~* Helen *~ for the best all about me siggie! You are absolutely fabulous!
Reply With Quote
  #3  
December 2nd, 2008, 01:32 PM
Ellemphriem's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Dreamland...........
Posts: 2,646
Hi, i will be very short I have a newborn crying........your rules are great, they need no correction and they are similar to those we follow

I wish you guys the best
__________________




" \m/ Now Im riding through the air
going to where no one dares
on the way Ill cross the line forevermore \m/ "

Reply With Quote
  #4  
December 2nd, 2008, 02:31 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 2,091
Send a message via AIM to Blondzilla
WELCOME! And...Welcome to the fun and exciting world of step-parenting with a bio-mother who is less than perfect. I'd love to tell you it will get better but honestly, that is not how it USUALLY works. USUALLY it gets worse after the wedding. I agree with Becca that you should nip this in the bud and confront bm with your concerns. When my ex and I divorced, we both AGREED not to allow our feelings for each other to be spoken or even eluded to with the children in range. I respected that...he did not. I was called filthy names and blamed for the breakup of the marriage and completely disrespected to my children. I found out about it when my son--15 at the time--said "Mom, if you're so against cheating on someone, why did you cheat on dad?" (we were having a discussion about why I broke up with a former boyfriend and I said "Once a cheat, always a cheat so I give NO second chances!") Well look who re-wrote history! Seems to me the reason we broke up is because he ws a miserable SOB who came home one night and beat the living *&^%$#@! out of me in front of this same son! Now my husbands ex, hearafter known as cheated on him. Threw him away because she decided the loser--also married--she was involved with was much better than Tom so she wanted to be married to him instead. OOPS...forgot to run that by said loser first! Seems he didn't want to divorce his wife after all...just wanted some on the side! So tried to get Tom to take her back and he said "I'm sorry. I didn't see the news today. Did heII freeze over?" lol Needless to say does not like me at all. She shows this by telling the kids that I am all that stands between her and Tom getting back together so they hate me also...well not all of them do. My SS lives with me and sees how good we are together and he loves me. the two little ones (ok not "little", per se but younger--11.12) love me as long as they're allowed to be around me more than a day but as soon as they go back to , they get more brainwashing and they wind up back at square 1 again. The oldest one is a -clone so she hates me.
Anyway, enough about me. It's hard. It sounds like you and your fiance have a wonderful relationship and are on the same page as far as parenting goes. That will get you SOOOO far! Be prepared for BM to try her best to ruin that for you unless you can get her on that page as well. Don't let it go for even a second or you will be amazed how much havok she can wreak in a short amount of time! I wish you the very best of luck!
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #5  
December 4th, 2008, 12:23 PM
Nedene's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 1,440
Sounds like your rules are great... and thats what dh and I do when DSD is around.. and after a few years .. her mother has stopped telling her made up stories about dh and we all get along now... your rules are perfect... the childen will realize when they get older that you don't talk about their mother in a bad way.. and that she is wrong when she talks about their father in a mean way..
__________________
SAHM to .

Reply With Quote
  #6  
December 4th, 2008, 04:36 PM
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 11
Thanks everyone! It is great to hear from others who've been through this that we are on the right track. It really is just a waiting and hoping that the children will as they grow older realize we have been following our family expectations (Respect is number 1 rule in our home) toward their mom. I am so glad to be able to share these challenges! The Holiday's definitely add an additional emotional layer as well as DF and my wedding rapidly approaching.

I've also noticed that every holiday DF and I make sure that the kids have a gift for mommy, mother's day, birthday, and now Christmas. The children's gifts and cards for DF have all been from me. Once again I feel that it is important to celebrate these holidays and to honor their family including their mother. But at the same time it bugs me that if I didn't step in and help the children to honor their dad, he would be forgotten. DF's ex has often told him he was a horrible father, this is far from the truth, DF has stepped up and is doing an amazing job as a single parent with two kids basically 50% of the time and a fiance on Active Duty who is stationed 2,000 miles away.


Reply With Quote
  #7  
December 4th, 2008, 06:57 PM
SFGiantsGirl's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 758
I have to agree with everyone else...your rules that you two have come up with are great! Such a positive attitude that you and your DF have is a great thing that you are showing the kids. Unfortunately you can't instill them on your DF's ex. Just keep up what you are doing at your house and try to stay positive. Hopefully DF's ex and her fiance will pick up on what the two of you are doing and see how it is a positive thing and maybe start doing it themselves. Welcome to the board!!
__________________
I married my Best Friend on September 17, 2011


Reply With Quote
  #8  
December 4th, 2008, 07:20 PM
JustBecca's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Suffolk, Virginia
Posts: 3,058
Send a message via Yahoo to JustBecca
I think that it is really NICE that you are buying gifts for the mother. You do not see that often.
__________________

Thank you ~* Helen *~ for the best all about me siggie! You are absolutely fabulous!
Reply With Quote
  #9  
December 8th, 2008, 05:36 PM
aminer's Avatar Regular
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Parkersburg, WV
Posts: 18
I don't believe that you are overreacting at all. We have the same issue in our house. Even though it is hard a lot of the times, we don't talk negatively about the biological mom in front of my boyfriend's two year old but I know that she does not follow this same practice. She has even gone as far as trying to coax Meyson into calling his dad stupid. This happened one day when my boyfriend was meeting her to pick up his son. If she's this blunt about it in front of us, I'd really hate to hear what she says about either one of us when we're not around. Just one of the MANY things that infuriates me about this "so-called" mom.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #10  
December 9th, 2008, 03:54 AM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: In the enchanted forest
Posts: 5,257
Quote:
I think that the rules that you have set up are great guidelines. You are doing a wonderful thing by trying to make it a happy house! I think that if you and DF are concerned about what is being said that you should confront that. You could ask the kids by saying something like "I wanted to talk to you about what you said to..." and see if anything is said there or you could just go straight to the birth mom and nicely ask what is going on. By you I don't mean you have to do it if that is not what has been set up by you and DF. He can do it if that is the way that you have it.

So I guess my advice is that if you are concerned about something that was said that you should find out exactly what is going on if that means talking to the kids or to the birthmom. I hope that this helps and that you stick around and post some more because we would love to have you here.[/b]



Welcome to the board, I am Chantelle, one of the other co-hosts here w/ Becca. I am a step & bio mom, I have 4 boys w/ my husband, he has a son from a previous marriage, I have a son from a previous relationship, together we had 2 sons in our marriage & my DS (from my ex) is expecting twin siblings (boy & girl) in the new year. Talk about your blended family? Any way, welcome to the board. Glad you stopped in & said hello. We're all here to help & we're all pretty much BTDT or are going through the same issues you have are going through. Great group of gals here.

Look forward in getting to know you better.

__________________



Reply With Quote
Reply

Topic Tools Search this Topic
Search this Topic:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:36 PM.



Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0