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Just walking in my house... how can I bring this up?


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  #1  
December 5th, 2008, 07:08 PM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
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Okay, so my ex picks up my DS & there have been times that he just walks into my house & goes into our son's room, meaning, he has to walk up stairs, into our house, past our entry way & so on. He doesn't ask, he doesn't say "is this okay?" he just does this. He's done this several times. Once, he walked in & literally took my DS' television & proceeded to take it out of his bedroom & started screaming "I am sick of this!" I said "what's going on?" this is a while ago but he was angry that our son was using certain words & felt that it was the TV that he was getting the words from. It wasn't, it was school.

More recently, he walked upstairs, in his sneakers (I do NOT allow people to walk through my house w/ shoes, NO ONE, not even us) tracked green paint into the kids bedrooms (which I later found) & proceeded into Dominic's bedroom. I was not only upset about the entry into the bedroom/house, but the paint upset me. Ultimately, the paint came out & all was well. I made it clear that we didn't wear shoes in our house & that was that.

Well, a couple of week's ago, he came to get our son & he noticed that DS didn't pack his bag w/ enough clothing. I said to our son "go get another outfit"... DS came down w/ more clothes but it wasn't what my ex liked, and he made a comment about wanting DS to wear something nicer than a sweatshirt & running pants, they weren't old or yucky, but they weren't fancy clothes either, he is a fancy/preppy guy.
So since he was unsatisfied w/ the clothing DS picked out & I told my ex that all the clothes were in the washing machine & that's all we had, he started walking up the stairs, in his sneakers to look for himself. I was shocked for several reasons, he was wearing shoes (I have OCD & HATE it when people wear shoes in my house) & once again, he was walking through my house as if it were his. I have NEVER, EVER walked into his house, not even once, aside from when he bought it & he showed me around, just as I did when we bought this house & I showed him around.

I am unhappy w/ him walking through my house, I don't know how to bring this up w/ out confrontation or an awkward conversation. My DH is very upset about him walking in our home, period. He told me that he's never seen this & if he did, he would address it himself, but it's always when DH isn't around.

How do I bring this up? I mean, this is his son, I understand he wants to be involved, and I am not trying to hide his son's room, but at the same time, I feel that the boundaries are being broken here. He's not even asking if he can go upstairs, he's not taking off his shoes, nothing. It's almost like he's purposely being offensive. I dunno....

What or how do I approach this? I need to do something, this has happened too many times.

WDYT?
~C
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  #2  
December 5th, 2008, 08:15 PM
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Tell him that you do not live here and you can not act like you do. This is not your house, never has been and never will be. If you can not rescept my rules you are going to have to wait outside for DS.
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  #3  
December 5th, 2008, 08:27 PM
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I have to agree ^^. We don't let Jon's ex past the entry way unless she asks us first. And if she tried to come in, without asking, we would tell her to stand at the door. Luckily she asks and Alex asks before she enters. She doesn't even go in Alex's room here. Though we solved the clothing issue, we send her back in what she came in. It stopped a lot of fights here. Alex comes, changes into Daddy's clothes, puts Mommy's on top of the bureau and we change her back into Mommy's right before Mommy gets her. Now if your son is packing clothes to go over to your ex's house, you could always just have clothes specifically for his house put aside that you know he isn't going to frown at and have your son ready when he gets there. That is just how we stopped fighting here.
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  #4  
December 6th, 2008, 10:36 AM
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Quote:
I have to agree ^^. We don't let Jon's ex past the entry way unless she asks us first. And if she tried to come in, without asking, we would tell her to stand at the door. Luckily she asks and Alex asks before she enters. She doesn't even go in Alex's room here. Though we solved the clothing issue, we send her back in what she came in. It stopped a lot of fights here. Alex comes, changes into Daddy's clothes, puts Mommy's on top of the bureau and we change her back into Mommy's right before Mommy gets her. Now if your son is packing clothes to go over to your ex's house, you could always just have clothes specifically for his house put aside that you know he isn't going to frown at and have your son ready when he gets there. That is just how we stopped fighting here.[/b]

My son has his clothes packed & ready to go way before my his father arrives so that's not the issue, his father is unimpressed w/ the choices of clothes that were packed (i.e., not button down shirt, tan pants, dressy clothes), but what is packed are sweatshirts, jeans, running/jogging pants, weekend stuff, BUT if my DS has religious Ed. or church, I pack more appropriate clothing (nicer stuff). So I do pack my DS' bag w/ the stuff that he will need for the weekend as it's forecast for his time w/ his dad. But, his dad is not happy w/ the clothing selection. He insists on DS to get more clothes, and when DS says "I don't have ____" (b/c they are literally in our washing machine, not lying), his father walks upstairs & decides to check for himself. Which isn't asked or anything. Had he said "can I go check?" or "can you look for something better?" or anything other than taking matters into his own hands, this would be a dialogue I would have but it's not the case. I feel on one side, it's his son, it's his son's room, I have nothing to hide, but on the other hand, he is just walking into my house w/ out being asked in & just marching upstairs, going through things, and w/ his shoes on, that is not okay on so many levels. I've never walked into his house & I wouldn't dare. I just don't get the thought process behind this. Maybe it's b/c he isn't thinking or maybe it's b/c I haven't said anything but we've talked about it once before when he marched into our then apartment & tried to rip our TV out & my DH got very upset & it was discussed that not only could he not do that as this was MY television, but it was also my house & he had no right to walk into my house like that at all. Again, I have no hidden things in my house, I just don't like that. My own family don't walk into my house that way, friends, so why is it that my ex is doing this?

I really don't know how I can bring this up in a tactful yet firm manner so that he understands there needs to be boundaries & how it's not okay, not because I have hidden factors, but b/c it's not his home. If he wants to see his son & check out his room, ask first, I'll most likely tell him "yes"... but to assume & do it w/ out asking "AND" w/ shoes on, well... not okay.


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  #5  
December 6th, 2008, 12:25 PM
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The next time he comes, even if he doesn't enter the room, tell him then. Say something like "I would like to discuss the way you enter my home. I don't mind you coming in, but I do not allow shoes to be worn in my house and I would appreciate it if you would remove them at the door/entry way. Also, you need to start asking before just coming into my house. This is my house, not yours, and I do not do this at your house." If he still continues, perhaps tell him from now on he needs to wait outside. Sometimes, unfortunately, men don't always catch on to hints that we give them. You could always do it back to him and see how he likes it. But that is the B**** in me who would do that.


I avoid the whole issue with shoes, I feel the same about them in the house, by putting a sign on the door. I noticed a lot of people actually started to listen.
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  #6  
December 6th, 2008, 04:23 PM
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First of all, he is disrespecting you and your home by even coming through the front door without an invitation! If one of our ex's did that there would be hell to pay! I'm basically a non-confrontational type person but there are things that will cause me to become a raving shrew! That's one! Secondly, you've told him about your desires to keep shoes outside. He's disrespecting your RULES. It isn't up to him to determine if they're good rules or bad rules, it is up to him to set an example that you respect the rules in someone else's house. PERIOD! The message that this is sending to ALL your kids is loud and clear! If something of yours is in the house, do whatever you want. He sees your son as "his" so this somehow gives him permission to ignore your rules and to ignore common decency! NOT APPROPRIATE! He should either wait to be invited in or say "Do you mind if I come in?" and take his friggin shoes OFF! He should request permission to go upstairs PERIOD! This is not his house! As for the clothes, I agree. If it's that important that his son dress like a daddy clone in his preppy clothes while he's with him then let him keep a set of clothes that meet his approval AT HIS HOUSE! HIS wife can do the laundry and make sure they're ready for your DS when he comes! He's definitely overstepping the bounds in every area here. CALL HIM ON IT!
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  #8  
December 7th, 2008, 11:36 PM
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It is totally unacceptable in my book this behavior. How to bring this up? Short and quick, it might be his son (and YOURS) but it is also YOUR house alone....and that on it's own demands respect. He can wait by the outside door for the kid to come and that's that.......


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  #9  
December 8th, 2008, 05:49 AM
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whoa...I think I would flip out lol. Personally I dont feel like anyone father or not has the right to enter my house without consent. He is definately passing his boundaries and I think that tactful or not you just need to come out and say hey, I dont appreciate your disrespect. yes he is your son, but this is my house. Unless there is an emergency of some sort you are not welcome to roam free. AND TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF or you will pay the carpet cleaning people. JMO! Good luck girly...hope there is a happy medium some where
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  #10  
December 8th, 2008, 05:54 AM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
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Quote:
I avoid the whole issue with shoes, I feel the same about them in the house, by putting a sign on the door. I noticed a lot of people actually started to listen.[/b]


Funny you mention the shoes & sign thing. Cuz we have people coming to our house a lot for Cooper's physical & speech therapy, I was forced to make & sign & ask ppl to remove their shoes for the same reason. We have hardwood (real, and newly done) floors, as well as WHITE carpeting. So I was sick & tired of that & felt like I needed to address it. I know that I hated to ask ppl to do it so that was my resolution. In every apt & house that I've had, that sign was up at my door, he STILL didnt' take his shoes off! Even my son said to his dad "I have my shoes on, I can't go upstairs again"... and he said "just go!" and I said "no, you take your shoes OFF!" I mean, who is he to tell my son to NOT take his shoes off in MY HOUSE??? I never pick up my son or drop him off at his dad's house "AND" on the accasions that I do, I call ahead of time, and I don't even get out of my car, he walks my son to my van & DS gets into my car, so I don't even go into his doorway at all. I refuse to leave my children alone in the car (in his neighborhood) and I am not going to take out a 2 year old (special needs) and a 11 month old (doesn't walk) just to quickly pick up my 8 yr' old. Makes no sense. Hence why I'll call 11 minutes prior & say "I'll be there in 10, have him ready"... and they look for me at the window, and he walks DS to my van. BUT, if I were to walk to his door, I wouldn't just walk into his house, w/ my shoes on, and I'd ASK first to be invited, and the last thing I'd do is just walk into his house, up his stairs & into the bedrooms. I would never, ever do that. Come to think of it, that is just awful. Rude. I wouldn't do that to a friend, even a good friend. KWIM? I have a close friend & other than going into the living room w/ the kids (which is where we hang out), I might say "I have to use your bathroom, be right back"... I wouldn't just walk into her kids bedroom or her bedroom, that's just weird. And I am a close friend to hers. Is he that oblivious?
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  #11  
December 8th, 2008, 06:06 AM
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You guys are right about the daddy clone thing, if he wants DS to look like him, then he needs to have his own clothes at home.

I mean.. I don't send my child to his house looking like crap either. For instance. When my DSS "used" to come over, he'd come over, dirty, messy, ripped clothing, awful, just a mess. I used to say to my DH "What's going on?" and he'd say that her reasons for not sending DS w/ nice clothing was cuz when he would return his nice clothes would be ruined or lost. Don't get the lost part, cause how do you lose the shirt you are wearing? Any ways, but I do see my DH getting the clothes ruined cuz he's sent my DS outdoors in NICE clothes to do yard work & it got me mad cuz they got ruined or I had to really spend hours cleaning them over & over again. We don't have a lot of money, so we don't have money for "play clothes"... we have school clothes & his sporting clothes (i.e., basketball, baseball uniforms).

But when I sent DS to his dad's house, he has nice running pants by Gap, nice sweatshirts from the Children's Place, nice sneakers from Nike or New Balance, he's not in horrible clothing. I have 4 pairs of jeans, and I rotate them, so by Friday, all the jeans are or have been worn & the jeans that are on DS are the 4th pair, so the 3 other pairs are now in the laundry machine being washed for the following week. We don't have that kind of money, we just don't. We have 3 other kids, another child support payment, we just don't have a ton of money. So that's how we do things, and it works. I don't see the problem. If DS needs to dress nicely for something like Christmas or Thanksgiving, we have tan pants & button down shirts, but I break those out for the nice occasions, not for a regular Saturday, sorry. But if you saw my ex, his idea of a REGULAR, CASUAL Saturday, is jeans, a nice belt & a button down shirt, all ironed (including the jeans). He irons everything. I have 2 babies & 2 older kids, and a husband, I don't have time to iron for all that, I do 4 loads of laundry, easy per day, so for me, ironing, NOT on my list of "to-do's".

Thanks for the tips. I will be addressing this. I have to do this, I know it's not going to be easy, but as you said, this is boundaries, breaking rules, just not okay, period. I'd be angry if this were my mother doing this, so I can't be okay w/ this for him either. DH is VERY angry, and would love the opportunity to see him doing this in action.

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  #12  
December 8th, 2008, 06:08 AM
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im sorry you are having to deal with this!! hopefully you can get through to him and let him know he CANNOT walk through YOUR house!! just because you guys have a son and he lives with you does NOT give him the right to go through and act like he lives there! i am also a stickler for not wearing shoes around the house.....
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  #13  
December 8th, 2008, 09:54 AM
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Have you said anything yet?
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  #14  
December 8th, 2008, 11:44 AM
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I haven't, I haven't talked to him aside from email. I don't know how to bring it up via email. I don't want it to come across any other way other than I mean it. I don't feel like calling him, he NEVER answers his phone, ever... It's almost like I have to pull teeth to get a pick up phone call.

I know what I have to say, it's how to bring it up & when.

Sigh... you guys wanna do it for me? lol.. j/k, NOT!
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  #15  
December 8th, 2008, 05:15 PM
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You can do it....this is small compared to the other things that you have dealt with lately. Title of your email: SHOES subject: Stop wearing them in MY house or you may not come in it again. End message!


How's that....lol
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  #16  
December 8th, 2008, 06:27 PM
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I like that. Very "to the point"... and no elaboration needed.
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  #17  
December 9th, 2008, 04:11 PM
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That is me...to the point. Glad I can help.
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