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My DH's father's aunt passed away last Tuesday. The funeral is this Saturday at 10am, they have flown her ashes in from AZ...and...I can't go. My DS is having his first Sacrament of Reconciliation at 10am, which if he doesn't do, he cannot make his first Eucharist in May, no exceptions. Great. No one else can bring him. It has to be a parent, who is Catholic & since his bio-dad is not Catholic, I am the only one who can do this. Seriously. I am stuck, there is nothing I can do. I can't not bring my son to his first Sacrament, he can't miss it, w/ out it, he can't do his First Eucharist, and no one else can take him. Yet, I can't go & support my DH for the funeral, I look like a total jerk. Seriously, I can't win. Nothing I do works. Nothing. No matter what.
I am so depressed. This is suppose to be happy time of year, I am suppose to be celebrating my son's 1st Birthday & my older DS' first Sacrament, now I have to do all this non-celebrating, I can't be there for my husband, I am stuck at a church that's over an hour away, no way can I make it to the funeral in time. The funeral will be over way before I can get there. Meanwhile, my son is going to be excited about his sacrament & everyone else is going to be depressed. This is not the way things are suppose to be. I mean, I know deaths aren't planned, I get that. I do. But kids don't understand this, in their minds, they understand nothing like this, they just know that their suppose to be happy, they're proud of themselves, and then everyone is on edge, which is just the case.
Why? Why this month? Our bank account got stolen. Then this death, now on the birth day weekend along w/ DS' religious sacrament. What's next? Really? My DS just had his surgical procedure, I am awaiting results tomorrow, I am afraid to even know or get the call, I have had THE WORST luck, nothing has been positive, and I can't imagine it being any better.
I really feel like everything that could go wrong is going wrong. I haven't even found out the results for me yet b/c my procedure got rescheduled due to JORDAN's lack of responsibility. I can only imagine how that's going to go. I am so tired of all of this. I haven't even touched on the issues of my DSS bio-mom or anything else, but seriously, I am tired & I feel exhausted from all of the above.
This is suppose to be a happy time of year. It's NOT...
Cheer up and be happy for your little man. I know how inportant it is for you that he is doing this and you just need to remember that. I think that your DH will understand you not being there and if for some reason he doesn't forget him. You have so much going on it your life that I feel like you are my clone. You are in the eye of your hurricane and it will be over soon. Are they doing some sort of reception thing after the funeral that you could meet him at? That might be something that you could do. Or you could take that time to relax. Is he going to take the 2 little boys with him ot are you going to have them? If he takes them then you should use the time before he gets back to take a nice long bubble bath. Put a movie on for Dominic and bath your problems away. Sometimes it helps. I wish that I could do it but I swear be have a bath made for a midget. It is perfect for the kids but no one else. I promise that things will get better.
Thank you ~* Helen *~ for the best all about me siggie! You are absolutely fabulous!
I have had one rotten year. Just recently, when things were going wrong, it seemed like something would happen to make it better. I lost my faith years ago, and just started to regain it last month. I truly believe that God is watching out for me, even when I lost faith in him. I have $70 in my bank, may not have any $ for xmas, may not make next month's rent....and I'm not too stressed out. Yes, I am worried. But I have faith that things will work out, one way or another. I am doing everything in my power. I am working all week, trying to fill up my weekends with babysitting gigs, and eating rice and beans. DSD is eating well and balanced, while I eat dull and mundane. So what I think I am trying to say is...God doesn't give us more than we can handle. And when we can't handle it alone, he gives us wonderful friends at jm to lean on. I'm one of them. Lean away.
Chantelle, you have had a horrible year. No questions. And I think you have every right to be a little depressed and wondering what the heck else can go wrong. But if you let yourself get bogged down in it all, you're going to miss some beatuiful things in life. During times like this, the most important thing is to look for the blessings. You're DH may wish he could have you with him, but I bet he is also happy that you're there to hold him when he gets home from a very emotional day. Your son will remember that you made that sacrifice for him someday. You will get to witness his ceremony and be supportive of him...that's such a special time for him. It's a shame that everything is falling on the same day but it isn't too much for you to handle...it just seems overwhelming right now because of all the other crap you're going through. This will pass and things will calm down again. As you know, God tests us every so often. I believe this is what's happening to you. Keep your faith strong and turn to Him for the support you need. He is there, Chantelle. Right now, you need Him. Better times are coming.
TY, I offered to my DH that I'd go to his family's house (which is a 2 hour drive one way) after wards to be w/ him instead of going to eat w/ my DS, I thought that I was being generous & giving a sacrifice for each of them, my DH said "forget it, if you can't be at the funeral, don't bother". I don't get it, I mean, what am I suppose to do w/ that? I am trying to help him, I am trying to be there, now I look like a total jerk & the worst wife! I can't win, nothing I do is right.
Your children come 1st no questions asked. You shouldn't feel guilty for that.
My kids come 1st & my DH knows it. If he doesn't like it - tough![/b]
I second that! You made your effort to be there after the funeral. That was your compromise. He wants all or nothing, not realizing that you would go OUT OF YOUR WAY to be there for him afterwards. Tell him to go cry about! lol
I am glad that I am not the only one that sees it this way. I went to my therapy session last night & she too, said that I was not being unreasonable & that I needed to be at my son's religious sacrament. That "IF" this were my DH's father, mother, immediate family member, then obviously this would be completely different, but since it's not, and I've never met, or heard of her, don't even know this woman's name, still don't. That's it's ridiculous for me to blow off my son's important religious moment that we've worked so hard for. That it would not be fair. She said that perhaps DH is jealous or envious of me or that he is embarrassed & doesn't know what to say to his family. If he doesn't want to tell them that I am not there because I had to bring my son to his 1st religious sacrament (which is mandatory/required), then he could always tell them that we had no baby sitter for the children & we didn't think it would be appropriate to bring the 4 kids to the funeral. That could be another option for him.
Either way, he's acting like a child & I told him this last night.
I told DH that I was planning on taking the children to see Santa on Sunday (my ex let me switch weekends) & DH said "I'm working on Sunday"... okay... now what? he said "you are trying to exclude me in everything, you are doing this to hurt me". WHAT?!?! He's losing his mind, seriously. I can't take them to see Santa on Friday for 2 reasons, my baby is having his shots & will be miserable & my older kids are in school "AND"... almost forgot, we're having a quick BDay celebration at 5:30pm for Teighan.
Saturday, I have the religious obligation at 10am, then our family is going out to brunch & will be celebrating w/ my DS for his sacrament, nothing elaborate but something to do as a family. DH has no idea that we're doing this & I am not telling him. I've offered to drive almost 2 hours one way to be w/ him & his side of the family after the funeral but that was not good enough & as a result he said "either you come to all of it, or stay home"... so I am staying home & doing stuff w/ my family instead. If I told DH that I was doing brunch w/ my family, I am going to put $$$ on it that he will freak out knowing that.
Just when you think DH hasn't lost his mind entirely. When I mentioned Santa on Sunday & he said he was working, DH suggested that we do Santa on Saturday. HUH???? I said "aren't you at a funeral & w/ your family on Saturday? how would that work?" he responded "well, you could meet me there after wards"...
So let's review. He wanted me to cancel Teighan's BDay celebration out of respect for his aunt's passing b/c it was inappropriate, yet it's okay for us to sit in line for 3 hours & take photos w/ Santa now? That makes NO sense what so ever. AND to top it off... my babies (2 & 1) will NOT be happy campers to sit in line for 3 hours at dinner time (that is their bewitching hrs) for Santa photo opts. I explained this to DH last night & he said "fine, take this away from me too, do what ever CHANTELLE wants to do, it's obvious her wants come first".
***!!!! What's wrong w/ him? Seriously? He keeps freaking out? He's acting out of control! My 2 year old who barely speaks BTW, last night as we were having this "dialogue" (well, I was talking & DH was yelling & cursing) said "no yell, stop yell"...yeah... my 2 yr old was upset & asking my DH to stop yelling, nice, really nice.
I said to DH as I was leaving to go to my therapy session "when you are ready to talk to me, be normal let me know. I know you are upset, I know you are stressed out & sad, I know that there are a lot of things going on right now that are out of your control & it's upsetting to you, it's hard to handle, and it's hard for me as well, there's not much we can do about it. I am trying to keep these kids happy & continue along w/ normal lives as much as possible, they are suppose to be happy & enjoy this time of year, not hear yelling all the time, and that's my job, when you are ready to stop biting at everything I say, let me know, I can't talk to someone who is going to attack & blame me for everything I do or say". And then I walked out the door w/ out saying good bye or kissing him, which I "never" do. I was tired of it all.
When I returned from home last night, he wouldn't look at me, he wouldn't talk to me, he wouldn't even move in the bed close to my side. He normally shifts to my side. He didn't do that at all. Usually by now (it's already 8:30am) he would have called to say "good-morning"... he hasn't even attempted a call. He's acting like a jerk, a child & I am pissed off! I cannot believe that he is making me feel like this. I am seriously so hurt. He's treating me like garbage, blaming me for a death & not saying good-bye to an aunt that I've never heard of & now making me feel worst by the moment. I don't need this. I don't. I am a good person, mother & wife. He's a royal jerk right now. What did "I" do to deserve this? I did all the shopping for the kids Xmas, I do it all, and now I am carrying a burden of someone's death? How is that okay? How is any of this okay?
He told me that he is going to leave me if "I" don't change. I said "is that a threat?" then he said "no, it's what it is"... oh okay... let me call our attorney then. I don't need threats. Then he continued. This is why I don't tell you anything, this is why I do things for Jake (my DSS) & work & never tell you b/c I don't want the argument. WHAT???? Okay, so now we're lying to me? Lying by omission? Let me get this straight, so instead of WORKING on the weekends (like he claims to be doing) he's going to his son's basketball games, spending time w/ his son (DSS) & not telling me now? Good, good to know. You know what? How about I make things easier for all of us. How about "I" file for divorce & he can have 2 more child support payments to make, an alimony payment & deal w/ that. I don't need to be threatened, I won't be threatened & I certainly will NOT be lied too about where he is & what he does. That is bull crap!
I am seriously on the verge of a collapse I am so upset. I can't even think straight. I am suppose to be CELEBRATING my DS' 1st Birthday, his very 1st Birthday, and you know what I am doing instead? I'm seeking legal advice about separation. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm sorry you are going through so much. My heart goes out to you and your family. I'm not sure if you said DH is not being understanding but hopefully he is. Go to your sons event. Be proud and happy for him. I know how hard that is when your in such a rough spot, but just remember, your son worked hard for this and like you said, deaths arent planned. Therefore your son deserves all the respect possible. Afterwards, you can sit down and say a prayer with your family in honor of the aunt. I know it is definately not the same but to respect your husband and kinda be there for him, you can take time out for that purpose. I hope things smooth out for you soon. I cant imagine being in your spot right now. I had a really bad 2 years and eventually it did get a lil better this year! There is light at the end of the tunnel! I will keep you and your family in my prayers! Good luck sweetie.
okay-we were posting at the same time so I didnt get to read your last post! Im soooooooo very sorry DH is being a punk!!! I dont know what to say about him except he is obviously got some issues going on. I hope he can come to his senses soon and realize that you arent trying to sabotage him at all. I think you need to really sit down with him on a calm level and try to work things out. I know being lied to is definately something that needs to change and you have every bit of right to be p*ssed off at him. You are not wrong what-so-ever!!!!! Again, I will keep you guys in my prayers.
TY so much for the T&P, I need them, really... I am fed up & it's hard. It's weird, during the day, w/ just the kids, I am almost okay, he's not here, there is no yelling, I do what I need to do, I run the ship. The "HE" comes home & all hell break's loose. Isn't that sad that I have to refer it to that? But it really almost is that way.
Funny thing, well...not really funny but wanted to share this.
When DH & I were in therapy, he would constantly tell the therapist that I (me) was jealous of his son (my DSS) & that I was angry that he was spending time w/ his son & not home w/ us on Monday & Tuesday nights. I had to laugh, not because of the statement but because that is so far from the truth. I actually look forward to the time that he doesn't come home. Sad eh? Because when he comes home, this is how life is. He is either sleeping on the couch, doing "do-it-yourself" projects (that he doesn't know how to do). Or watching "Hogan's Hero's" re-runs on TV land or anything on the Military or History Channel. He has no interaction w/ me or the kids & when he does, it's yelling or angry. So why would I look forward to that? I feel like a single mother as it is. I actually said to him the other night "listen, if you are threatening to leave, then just leave, I've been a single parent for 4 year's before, I am capable of raising these kids w/ out you, I've been raising myself alone since 14, again, I am self-reliant, so if you want to leave, leave". He said "so you don't need me?" I said "I don't need you to survive is what I am saying, I love you, I would like to spend the rest of my life w/ you, which is why I married you, I'd be emotionally crushed if our marriage ended, but I'd be able to pick up the pieces for myself & my kids & move forward & do what I need to do, I am pretty independent & you know that, so please, do not threaten me, if you want to leave, leave, if you are saying this to scare me, it's not working in your favor, you are pushing me farther away".
When he's not home, and it's me & the kids, as hectic as it can be, we just laugh & do what we do. Sure we have our moments, mostly b/c my 8 yr' old thinks he knows it all & teases the 2 year old, but all in all, we run things well & no one yells or screams, no fighting. The MOMENT my DH comes home, it's like a light switch, the kids start yelling, fighting & it's tension, because, that's what has been created.
When DH made the statement of me being "jealous" his son, I laughed, I am far from it. The only thing I am towards his son is angry, I am angry that he feels guilty towards his son in that he spoils him more than the rest of the children IN FRONT of the rest of the children. I am ANGRY because when DSS is around everyone (the rest of the kids), DH turns into Mr. Martha Stewart, Mr. Nicey Nice & the kids are confused, and so am I to be honest. We become resentful because the moment, and I mean THE MOMENT DSS leaves our home, not in our surroundings, Mr. Martha Stewart becomes Mr. Cranky Rude Puss, that quick, that fast. THAT is what I am upset about.
And now to find out that my DH has been lying about WORKING & making extra money for our family, instead going to his son's games, taking his son out to movies, dinner, what ever, & lying about his whereabouts b/c he doesn't want to tell me the truth, we're in a new ball park all together.
DH has been taking out cash every now & then through the ATM & I'd say "what was this for? why didn't you pay directly w/ debit?" and he'd make an excuse & say "oh, this guy at work bought us lunch one day & I owed him money" something along those lines. And I bought it b/c I had no other reasons to believe otherwise. Then I start to catch him in the lies...again...
This is NOT the first time DH has lied to me. He had a MAJOR lie that he tried to cover up a couple year's back that I don't want to get into, it's too embarrassing on my part & I'll leave it at that but he swore to me, the therapist, on our children lives that he would never, ever do that to me again, he would never risk our marriage & be stupid in any way, never lie about even the smallest things. He is trying to weasel his way out of this recent discovery by saying it wasn't a lie, that he simply didn't tell me & I didn't ask. Oh okay...lying by omission, it's the SAME THING you big jerk! Try to sugar coat it all you want, a lie is a lie, whether you admit to doing it immediately or after the fact or year's later, it's a lie, it could be about your favorite meal or cheating on your spouse, it's still...a lie. If you lie all the time, you have no trust, the trust is broken, if you have no trust, you have no foundation & no foundation means no marriage. He's beyond thin ice, he's falling into cold waters & struggling for air at this point, waiting for someone to rescue him. I can't do it either. I can't "fix" him and I don't want to fix him. He has to want to fix himself. I am not his mother & I am not his doctor or therapist. If he can't figure out that there is something seriously wrong w/ lying to your wife, then he has more problems than I ever expected.
Sorry for the lengthy post. I know I am probably rambling now.
Is it so hard to want a happy family? I feel like I deserve it. I put up w/ a lot both medically & emotionally. I've tolerated a lot from my ex & his ex & I do a lot for everyone. My toddler has been sick, I am sick, and I just want some happiness. I don't expect rainbows & sunshine everyday, I know that, but we're good people, we believe in God, go to church, we pray, have values, we donate to non-profit charities all the time, volunteer, I mean, I don't do this stuff for stuff in return, but I thought if you did good that good things would happen & you wouldn't have a horrible life like this. Should I just give up on all that I do? It's obviously not rewarded & it's not doing anything. No one seems to care either way at this point. Right?
wow that's a lot to deal with. I'm so sorry this is getting worse instead of better.
Your dh is starting to sound a lot like me ex. Not saying this will happen to you but when I finally kicked him out it was a relief. DD & I had so much fun. We didn't miss him a bit. He didn't interact with us when he was there. He would sleep or watch tv. And the tv he would watch would be inappropriate for a young child to see. So DD & I would spend all of our time in one of the bedrooms.
I remember the 1st night - we ate dinner in the living room watching kids shows on the tv. It was so peaceful. I didn't miss him at all.
That being said, I hope you & your dh can work things out. Maybe it's time to start up counseling together again. Lying about working & seeing his son instead is a huge red flag.
He didn't interact with us when he was there. He would sleep or watch tv. And the tv he would watch would be inappropriate for a young child to see. So DD & I would spend all of our time in one of the bedrooms.[/b]
^^^^That's my DH ^^^^
As much as Family Guy, Two & Half Men, etc. are funny, they are NOT appropriate for my children to see. Same w/ "The Unit" or anything w/ shooting & violence & the moment I say "please turn that off" he'll say in response "it's almost done"... uhm... that's NOT the point "SHUT IT OFF!!!" and I say "I DO NOT WANT THEM WATCHING THIS!" and I say "we have a TV in our bedroom, if you want to watch that trash, watch it in there". He gets mad & says "I should be able to watch my shows in the living room if I want too". And I said "ITA, which is why we purchased DVR on this TV & you can tape all the shows you want, this way, when the kids go to bed, you can watch all the shows you want, or when you wake up in the morning, you can watch them earlier too".
He had the same fit w/ the parental control/blocks that I put on the TV in the family room. There is a 4 digit code that you have to enter if you want to watch anything that is PG-13 & above, at the begining, he was fuming mad. He'd turn it off. Same w/ the "adult titles" not that the titles said anything, but next to the title you'd see the rating "adult" but when I put a lock on it it said "locked" and nothing at all, for some reason, to an 8 yr old boy, if they see the word "adult" or "rated X" they are tempted, KWIM? you can shut them off so the words don't show when you are scrolling through the channels or "on-demand"... he would go onto the menu, by-pass my codes, remove my locks & we'd have fights, finally after about 6 months of back & forth, he gave up & gave in.
Still though, I'll come home, and my kids are sitting down w/ DH watching Family Guy, Two & Half Men etc., now do I personally think they are funny? Yeah... I think they are hilarious. But there is a lot of sexual stuff that is said that I don't want my kids to hear. Period. There is a time & a place. My kids go to bed at 7-7:30pm, why can't he watch it then? or why can't he go into the bedroom to watch it? or is it THAT important that he has to be apart from the family? can't he comprimise & watch something that we all enjoy? King of Queens isn't bad, the kids like that, not too bad, I don't mind, not perfect but nothing like the others. I am willing to bend on that one.
It just stinks. I really hate this. It's like I am having to be HIS mother too. His son, who is 11, has a bad child behavior issue, they (his mother I should say) claim that it is ADD, it is not ADD, what it's called is poor parenting & lack of parenting. They've allowed that kid to watch Rated "R" movies since he's been 5, they have no limits on him, swear in front of him, you name it. That kid is out of control b/c he has had no boundaries on himself & when you put him in a structured environment like say...school...of course he is going to get into BIG trouble, he thinks he can get away w/ the same stuff, do the same stuff & say the same stuff, & he can't, so that's why he is getting into trouble left & right. It's not that he's a bad child, he has had poor role models as parents. And I've told my DH this, he has no role models, flat out said this to my DH. That the co-parenting is ridiculously out of control. DH said "there's nothing I can do" the heck there isn't, he needs to set a good boundary on HIS end first, but he can't even do that for his kids at home, so he's not going to do that w/ his 11 year old, why would he? That would require my DH to SACRIFICE his shows or personal enjoyment, and that would be too difficult.
Do you think I enjoy watching Noggin, Nick Jr., or the movie Cars over & over again? Do you think I love sitting there & watching Elmo or Dora the Explorer? No, I do not. But my kids do & that is age appropriate & it makes them HAPPY. When they go to bed, and they are tucked in. I go to the living room, turn my DVR on & watch "Desperate Housewives", "Dr. Phil", all the stuff that my kids aren't exposed too b/c I feel that it's not appropriate. On the RARE occasion I let my kids watch Oprah if it's about health w/ Dr. Oz or the morning News, even at that, there are a lot of things I don't like my kids to watch, KWIM?
Counseling... yeah... it's time...
I could go on here for ever, the fact that I could, is not good. I do love him, if I didn't, I'd be gone. But I can't continue this back & forth & being lied too, no way, no how, not okay at all. Will not tolerate it. If he's lying to me about something so small as seeing his son for quality time, what else is he lying to me about? No, really? What? I don't even want to go there. I will start to flip out.
Yeah, have you heard when it rains it pours.....they know what their saying. And i know how you feel. I've had MORE than my fair share in 'pouring' during my life......
They say you are never dealt more than you can handle.........
" \m/ Now Iím riding through the air
going to where no one dares
on the way Iíll cross the line forevermore \m/ "