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  #1  
December 16th, 2008, 03:33 PM
MrsRestivo's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Hello. I am a JM addict, and thought I'd introduce myself to yet another board where I fit in. I'm Alyssa (21) and my husband is Andrew (26). He has a 7 year old son Tristan. He has full custody and he broke up with baby's mama when Tristan was 2, and only sees hin 3-4 times a year, so she's not a big deal.

He is a great father, but since I've been around he's passed off a lot of the parenting to me. I've been dealing with his poor behavior and grades in school, and his attitude problem at home. I've made chore/behavior charts and I'm really trying to work with him. When he misbehaves or gets bad checks on his behavior chart at home, there are set consequences so he knows what he's getting into by making those bad choices. When he does do something though my DH always gives in, and says "he's just a kid." I've explained to him that while I do love him, its hard for me to keep looking past things like he does. And he has NO respect for me. He calls me names (nothing major, but still) and doesn't listen to things I ask, walks away and says no when I ask him to do things, etc. He always says "I'll go ask Daddy then," if I say no. My DH says I need to EARN his respect which I completely don't agree with. I have earned his trust and friendship- we usually get along pretty well- but I feel like he needs to respect me because I am an adult. Period. My mother would have beat my behind if I ever acted this way towards any adult.

Am I crazy?

Advice? Thoughts?
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  #2  
December 16th, 2008, 05:52 PM
*Kiliki*'s Avatar i have absolute power
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ohh no no no you do not need to earn HIS respect....he needs to earn YOURS!!! you need to sit down with your dh and be on the same page with this parenting thing or you will get no where! hopefully you can talk to yoru dh and explain all this to him....like you did here
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  #3  
December 17th, 2008, 08:27 AM
JustBecca's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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First off Welcome! I am Becca one of the hosts here. Our other host is currently trapped in her house with her family up in Mass. because of the ice storm that hit last week.

I think that you need to have a talk with you DH so that he knows that rules are rules and that he has to follow them. There should be no I am going to ask daddy then if you have already said no to something. He needs to back you up or nothing wll ever get done.

He needs to respect you because you are an adult.

In other words...no I do not think that you are crazy.
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  #4  
December 18th, 2008, 08:31 AM
peimum's Avatar life blows sometimes.
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HOLY CRAP! I could have written that myself! My DH and yours must be related!!! MY step son is now 12, and things are only getting worse, because my DH just does not get it. I have finaly told him that if her does not get his son under control then I am taking my girls and leaving, because I am tired of DH thinking that I need to earn the respect of a 12 year old!! I TOTALLY FEEL YOU!
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  #5  
December 23rd, 2008, 02:39 AM
Ellemphriem's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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No you are not crazy, 'i'll go ask daddy' if you say no, just denotes lack of respect to your person.....talk to your hubby and work on the kid together. BTW the kid sees that lack of respect from somewhere and mimics it. I sure hope that lack of respect is not first given off by your husband to begin with. Don't leave it at that, it will get out of hand. Painful as it may seem a good honest heart to heart with DH is what is needed here i think.

Welcome btw
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  #6  
December 24th, 2008, 07:43 AM
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Welcome!
The "I'll go ask daddy then" garbage goes on in bio-families also so it isn't just your stepkid that does that. I remember having that happen when I was married to my ex. We finally made a rule that neither parent would say yes to anything unless they first asked "Have you asked your mom/dad about that?" If the child said "Yes", we'd find out what the other parent said BEFORE we said yes/no. If they said "No" then we could either give an answer or tell them to go ask the other parent. It meant a lot of back and forth but it did save me (because it was usually me who'd say no because of something the child had done beforehand) from being the "bad guy" all the time. If the child said that the other parent either didn't care or hadn't been asked and we found out differently, the child always knew it would mena a week's grounding AND that they would not be allowed to do whatever they'd wanted to do in the first place. It took a while, but it was SOOOOO worth it!
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  #7  
December 29th, 2008, 06:21 PM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
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Welcome to the board... I am Chantelle, one of the co-hosts here on Blended Families. I am both a bio & step/mom. Between DH & I we have 4 boys together. I have 1 DSS, 3 bio-kids (2 w/ DH).

Discipline... always a hard one. If it was working for you & he respected you, then I'd say continue w/ the chart but like Dr. Phil says "how's it working for you?" it's not...so at this point, it's time to disengage. It's clear that your methods are not only being ignored but you are being treated like garbage, not okay.

Time to go to plan "B"...

When we as step moms come into the lives of these people, many of us already mothers to our own bio-kids, we willingly assume that we can expand our mothering role to include our new stepchildren, intending to keep on doing what we've been doing. Even those who have never had children of their own have those "mothering genes." Our problem is that we don't have the bonding with these kids that is required to give us the "moral authority" to parent our stepchildren. The only way we can get that "authority" is through our DHs, & he must give it to us by expecting & demanding that his kids respond to us with obedience & respect, or at least respectful behavior. THAT is what is meant by a supportive DH. Most of them THINK they are supportive, & many of US think they are supportive. But unless they are willing to discipline their children every single time they speak disrespectfully to us, or ignore us, or disobey us, they are giving their children permission to continue & sometimes escalate, this behavior. And because our DHs have NEVER had to be mothers, they don't know what we're talking about when we try to get their help. They are still being the same parents they were when they were married to their exes, things worked out ok there, so they assume that the problem is US!

The more we "nag" & point out what's wrong with their kids, the more convinced they become that we have no parenting skills. The more we are determined that these kids ARE GOING TO MIND US, the more parenting we do. And the more parenting we do, the less our DHs have to do. This is exactly the way they want it. They would rather we didn't scream so much, but we're getting the job done (the kids brush their teeth when we're red in the face; they go to bed when we have spittle spewing). Dad can just keep on being a father, which means he doesn't fool with this stuff. But he's still thinking we're crazy, & can't understand why we're so mean to his kids. In addition, our "criticism" of his kids is seen as a criticism of him.
DH is not a mother, has never been a mother, & doesn't know what it means or requires being a mother. DH is content being the same parent he has always been, & thinks his kids are fine the way they are. He's just as confused as we are about why we're having so many problems with our stepchildren, but in his heart, he believes that we are at fault.

Now we come to the kids themselves. Here we have children who, for the most part, have been raised by two parents with whom they are bonded & for whom they accept the power of their bio-parents authority. We step moms come into their lives with no bond & with no authority. But we blindly assume the role of mother in our own homes, & all the responsibility involved. After the "honeymoon" with the kids is over, if we even have that period of peace & tranquility, the kids begin to test the waters. Now, keep in mind, they do this with their bioparents too, but quickly submit to the authority of these people for whom they have respected & admired since birth. They look to DH to see what they can get by with, because they have no intention of submitting to our authority until they are made to do so. DH has never involved himself in these struggles between his ex & his kids, because she can handle it herself. He doesn't see the problem. The kids don't know that he can't see the problem. They think he is giving them unspoken permission to defy us. And so they do. The struggles become more angry, more bitter, more frustrating.

And another amazing thing occurs. In some cases, we give these kids their first real taste of power. With their parents, they are willing to submit, because if nothing else, they fear the loss of their parents' approval. They feel no such need to have our approval. They find that with the mere shrug of a shoulder or a rolling of the eyes that they can turn a big strong adult into a raging maniac. By this time, we have become so frustrated, everything they do infuriates us. And in getting by with disrespectful behavior (& they get by with it because DH doesn't stop it), they are encouraged to even greater heights of disrespect, & gaining an even greater sense of power. We end up handing these kids tremendous power over us, on a silver platter, & they love it.
There we are, doing all the work (laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, chauffeuring, supplying needs, the list is endless), doing everything reasonable to maintain our family as we had envisioned, and these kids are treating us like bugs on the soles of their shoes. We are raging to our DHs, who can't understand why we're so angry, & we're wondering what we're doing here, working our rears off, trying to raise these children, feeling abused & unappreciated by DH AND his kids. Sometimes we think about divorce.

Now it's time to disengage.

In order to successfully disengage, you have to accept some realities.

They are:

1. Your stepchildren, they are not your children.
2. You are not responsible for overcoming their previous "raising."
3. You are not responsible for what kind of people they are.
4. You are not responsible for what kind of people they become.
5. You are not obligated to become an abused member of the household just because you married their dad.
6. You are not responsible for raising your stepchildren.
7. All the responsibility belongs to your DH.
8. Your DH is not a mother.
9. Your DH is not going to raise his children the way you want him to.
10. Your stepchildren are not going to turn out the way they would if DH supported you.

What all this means is this:

You must stop parenting your stepchildren.
You must stop telling them what is expected of them.
You must stop disciplining them.
You must turn over all responsibility for them to your DH.
You must allow DH to make whatever mistakes he makes.

But first, you must explain to DH & your stepchildren what is happening. This is what you say: "Everyone is unhappy, our home is miserable, & I'm completely frustrated & angry all the time. You kids are angry & frustrated with me, & it's getting worse. Someone has to do something about this, & I decided that it will be me. I have decided that I will no longer be responsible for getting you to bed on time, or getting you up in the mornings. I will not tell you to wash your hands before dinner, & I will not tell you to brush your teeth or take a bath. (You must list all those things for which you have assumed responsibility, whatever they are). I am no longer going to do anything that will give you the opportunity to treat me with disrespect. In the future, if you need anything, you must ask your dad. I will no longer take responsibility for (whatever, getting your school supplies, shopping for your clothes, doing your laundry, taking you to basketball practice, etc.) What I hope to accomplish is for us to begin to get along with each other, & the only way I know to do that is to let your dad be the parent."

Many of you may be saying, does all this mean I have no rights? Absolutely not. You must choose your battles, & to disengage, your battles should be about those things that DIRECTLY affect you. For example, you have a right to keep your home with the degree of neatness & cleanliness that you desire (just leave the stepchildrenís rooms alone & concentrate on the communal areas). You can say, "From now on, I expect everyone to put their stuff away by bedtime. Since I will no longer be asking you to do it because I don't want to argue with you, anything that is left out after 9:00 will be disposed." Period, no discussion, just do it. If it's important to DH for his kids to keep their "stuff," HE will parent his children, or do it himself. "If you don't clear the table after dinner, I will not set a place for you at the next meal." Period, no discussion, just do it. If it's important to DH for his kids to eat, HE will parent his children, or do it himself. "If you leave your dirty clothes on the floor in the bathroom, they will be disposed." Are you getting the idea?

You see, the REAL problem is not between you & your stepchildren; it's between you & your DH. These children are HIS responsibility, & if he wants good things for them, he will parent them. If he doesn't care (believe me, he really does!), why should you beat your head against the wall?

My son ALWAYS had a bedtime; my stepson NEVER had a bedtime. Now I tend to my son, & let DH tend to his. If he wants them to get a good night's sleep, he will parent them. If it's not important to him, I don't make it my concern. And I told DH that if he wanted to help his son start his day well, he might consider making sure that stepson goes to bed at a reasonable hour, but that I would no longer make it my concern. DH decided to parent his son.

The point is this: DH must decide what is important to HIM. You must be willing to put up with some degree of inconvenience to "allow" him to parent his children. But whatever inconvenience you suffer will be minor compared to the conflict that might be part of your life right now. My DH stepped up to the plate. Your DH might not. But that's HIS decision. Don't expect him to agree with your "new position." He doesn't agree with your current position. Don't expect him to like what you are doing - or to be more precise - not doing. The less YOU do, the more HE must do, & that will not make him happy. You must remember that he has no right to expect more parenting from you than he is willing to do himself.

You may be thinking, this is nuts! We agreed to be "parents" to each other's children. Yes, but he also agreed to be a parent to his OWN children. None of this means that you can't do ANYTHING. It's very likely that DH will need your help. That's OK. The issue here is that DH must ASK you for your help; instead of what you've been doing - assuming the responsibility & being unappreciated for it.

When DH needs something done that he can't do himself (a ride for one of the kids while he's a work, for example), first, you have already told the kids "Go ask dad." So DH is REQUIRED to become involved in his children's lives. He now must THINK ABOUT what's involved in raising his kids, & we all know it's a lot of work. And you can agree to help out, only if DH asks. BUT, to disengage, you must be willing to withdraw your agreement to help IF the kids, between now & the event treat you disrespectfully! And you must refuse to assist next time if DH & the kids don't say "Thank you." You also have a RIGHT to have your efforts appreciated.

When you begin to value yourself in this whole relationship by expecting to be treated with respect & appreciation, you'll feel a lot better. When I say "to value yourself" I mean that if your efforts are not appreciated - don't do it! Sometimes the stepchildren will think, "Well, we're in the car on the way to the ballgame, now I'm home free to be disrespectful!" BAM! They smart off to you! Well, turn that car around & take them back home - don't raise your voice or act insulted or point out how ungrateful they are. Just say "I'm sorry you've decided to treat me disrespectfully. I must withdraw my offer to take you."
BTW, these are also good methods of getting your OWN children's respectful behavior!

I know, from my own experience, just how hard it is to "let go." But it's up to you to make the choice - "Am I going to continue to live in this awful situation, or am I going to do something about it." While you fear what will happen to everyone when you "disengage," as if the family will fall apart, you will be surprised at the change in your own life. I can't guarantee that everything will turn out the way it has for me, but I can guarantee that you will no longer feel angry, frustrated, resentful, & hurt. The HARDEST part is giving up the need to straighten out these kids & "change" them into the children YOU want them to be.


HIH, and again, welcome to the board. Keep us posted.

HUGS
~Chantelle



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  #8  
December 30th, 2008, 11:17 PM
Ellemphriem's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Dreamland...........
Posts: 2,646
Quote:

Now it's time to disengage.

In order to successfully disengage, you have to accept some realities.

They are:

1. Your stepchildren, they are not your children.
2. You are not responsible for overcoming their previous "raising."
3. You are not responsible for what kind of people they are.
4. You are not responsible for what kind of people they become.
5. You are not obligated to become an abused member of the household just because you married their dad.
6. You are not responsible for raising your stepchildren.
7. All the responsibility belongs to your DH.
8. Your DH is not a mother.
9. Your DH is not going to raise his children the way you want him to.
10. Your stepchildren are not going to turn out the way they would if DH supported you.

What all this means is this:

You must stop parenting your stepchildren.
You must stop telling them what is expected of them.
You must stop disciplining them.
You must turn over all responsibility for them to your DH.
You must allow DH to make whatever mistakes he makes.

[/b]

AMEN TO THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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going to where no one dares
on the way Iíll cross the line forevermore \m/ "

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  #9  
January 2nd, 2009, 01:51 PM
ToonTownGirl's Avatar Super Mommy
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Posts: 729
<span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS">I agree, he has to respect you. You need to talk to your hubby and explain to him, that this behavior is unacceptable and it needs to be fixed. From the sounds of it, your DSS walks all over his dad, and dad does nothing about it.

We have one of those too, until I finally said to my SO, you need to do something about this, or else this kid is going to turn into a thug by the time he turns 12. A foot needs to be put down and say look, you are now going to be accountable for your actions. You act like a bonehead, you get treated like a bonehead. End of discussion.

Good luck, we had a turn around, hopefully you can too!

Cheers,
T</span>
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  #10  
January 2nd, 2009, 11:19 PM
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For once, I am in complete disagreement. Maybe it is because I have been in DSD's life since she was 2 and is now 5. I treat DSD as if she is my own. I teach her proper manners and behaviors. In fact, DSD respects me and my authority MUCH more than her own bio-mom's. DSD walks all over her mom. She listens to me and my DH. I know that the only reason DSD behaves so well is because I set the rules in my house. I give her the boundaries. I give her the rewards. I know that the majority of the way she will be when she grows up is because of me. Dh may have become a parent before me, but I have the parent skills. I have been raising my brothers for years. I have been raising people's children for them. In my household, my word is final.

Am I missing something in the previous posts? Did I read that we are to disengage from our step-children because they did not come from our womb? It's 1:30 am. Maybe I missed something.
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