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  #2  
December 29th, 2008, 12:27 AM
Ellemphriem's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Dreamland...........
Posts: 2,646
I am sorry to say but it seems that the one destroying the balance is your DF He is the one that needs to talk to ex and manage her, and he is the one that must present respect to your person as an example to DSS....and you are the one that has to talk to him about that........
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  #3  
December 29th, 2008, 03:52 PM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: In the enchanted forest
Posts: 5,257
First off, welcome to Blended Families. I am Chantelle, one of the co-hosts here. I am a step & bio-mom, I have a son from a previous relationship, my ex is married, expecting twins any time now. My DH has a son from a previous marriage, she is a piece of work (reminds me of your DF's ex) & then DH & I have 2 son's together. I am slightly outnumbered in the boy department.

Any who... welcome. You've come to the right place. We've all BTDT or are going through it right now.

I want to say that what you just explained, how your DF had plans based on his ex w/ his son & then the ex decided to change the plans at the last minute & then DF decided to drop all the plans & just pick up & leave to get his son & not think of the rest of the family involved, well... that's my life in a nut shell. My DH is the same way. He does it out of guilt. It's something that he's just unaware of & although we've gone to couple's therapy for it, it doesn't seem to change.

I wish I had better input for you or advice on how to change it, but if I did, I wouldn't be in it or still in it. I know that when it does happen to me, I want to scream. We'll have all the day or weekend as planned & then all of a sudden DH will change things b/c his ex wife calls & decides to allow him to see his son or she wants him to take him (keep in mind we live far away & she does NONE of the driving). It's awful on so many levels.

Thankfully this doesn't happen daily, otherwise I wouldn't still be married to him, seriously. But when this does happen I try to remind my DH how hurtful it is that he drops the rest of us for his previous situation.

The part that we've encountered now is that my DH has decided to go behind my back & see his son w/ out telling me or tells me AFTER the fact. Like he'll be working or on a job & instead of coming straight home, he'll go see his son or he'll say he has to work & go see his son at a game instead. That makes me angry, he's lying for no reason at all & that makes me mad. He says that he doesn't want to tell me b/c it's a fight every time but the fight isn't about his son, it's about how he handles the circumstances around them. He doesn't consider that he has a wife & 3 other kids & just does what he wants, makes decisions, both time wise & financial wise & then tells me AFTERWARDS & expects me to go w/ the flow. I don't do that b/c I can't. If it were just DSS, we'd be able to accomodate a lot but since we have 3 other kids, 1 is in sports, 1 is special needs & the other is only 1, well... I can't just give up all my spare time for my DSS, and drive all over creation & spend all my $$$ on him when we have other kids & bills to consider.

Trust me, I hear your frustration on this. From the sounds of it. And I could be wrong. Your DF is doing this out of guilt. He wants to see his DS & he feels guilty that he doesn't see him all the time & the moment he has the opportunity to see him, he takes it, no matter what is happening around him, no matter whom else it may or may not hurt both emotionally & maybe financially. In the end, it's making you resent not only your DF but also even his son/DSS, correct? You feel as though your needs, your child are on the backburner & you can't win, right? It's not fair. When will this be treated right?

My argument w/ my DH is that w/ my DS & my ex is that we have a schedule, which yeah, it can vary but for the most part it's every other weekend & we stick to that. I don't just call him up & say "do you want to see him?" when it's convenient for me. I know that it's important for not only my ex & his wife, but for my son to have stability & consistency. I think that is the major factor/problem in our DH/DF's lives right now. They don't know how to put their foot/feet down & say "I need a schedule"... or some sort of stability.

But I hear you when you try to talk to him about it, he gets defensive & automatically thinks you want him to blow off his son or that you're jealous of his son or that you want his son to be out of the picture. I've heard all of that w/ my DH over & over again. This is not new statements to me. I try to remind my DH that it's not about jealousy, it's about fairness & that he's chosen to separate our family & he's doing it by omission & w/ out us. I also try to point out that he has a responsibility to the other children & me as his wife to keep us together, not apart. I try to remind him that allowing his ex-wife to "call the shots" isn't in his divorce agreement & that it's not only illegal & he can take her to court for it but not good for his relationship w/ his son. In the end, the son is calling the shots as well.

I know I haven't given you many solutions on this issue, but I can say that I DO know how you feel 100% and I know what it's like to have a day/weekend planned & then at the last minute get that call & all gets changed in a heart beat. It's like the second my DH's cell phone rings, I know, I know the tone in his voice, and his words & then after he hangs up what he's going to say & my heart sinks. I know how the weekend we've planned is all a mess & now we are going to drive all over creation for his son b/c his ex is wanting to go out drinking or she doesn't want to deal w/ their child. The list goes on. If you ever want to chat. I am here, you can PM me.

Not sure if this helped or not but I hope it makes you feel not so alone.

HUGS
Chantelle
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  #4  
December 29th, 2008, 04:00 PM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: In the enchanted forest
Posts: 5,257
First off, welcome to Blended Families. I am Chantelle, one of the co-hosts here. I am a step & bio-mom, I have a son from a previous relationship, my ex is married, expecting twins any time now. My DH has a son from a previous marriage, she is a piece of work (reminds me of your DF's ex) & then DH & I have 2 son's together. I am slightly outnumbered in the boy department.

Any who... welcome. You've come to the right place. We've all BTDT or are going through it right now.

I want to say that what you just explained, how your DF had plans based on his ex w/ his son & then the ex decided to change the plans at the last minute & then DF decided to drop all the plans & just pick up & leave to get his son & not think of the rest of the family involved, well... that's my life in a nut shell. My DH is the same way. He does it out of guilt. It's something that he's just unaware of & although we've gone to couple's therapy for it, it doesn't seem to change.

I wish I had better input for you or advice on how to change it, but if I did, I wouldn't be in it or still in it. I know that when it does happen to me, I want to scream. We'll have all the day or weekend as planned & then all of a sudden DH will change things b/c his ex wife calls & decides to allow him to see his son or she wants him to take him (keep in mind we live far away & she does NONE of the driving). It's awful on so many levels.

Thankfully this doesn't happen daily, otherwise I wouldn't still be married to him, seriously. But when this does happen I try to remind my DH how hurtful it is that he drops the rest of us for his previous situation.

The part that we've encountered now is that my DH has decided to go behind my back & see his son w/ out telling me or tells me AFTER the fact. Like he'll be working or on a job & instead of coming straight home, he'll go see his son or he'll say he has to work & go see his son at a game instead. That makes me angry, he's lying for no reason at all & that makes me mad. He says that he doesn't want to tell me b/c it's a fight every time but the fight isn't about his son, it's about how he handles the circumstances around them. He doesn't consider that he has a wife & 3 other kids & just does what he wants, makes decisions, both time wise & financial wise & then tells me AFTERWARDS & expects me to go w/ the flow. I don't do that b/c I can't. If it were just DSS, we'd be able to accomodate a lot but since we have 3 other kids, 1 is in sports, 1 is special needs & the other is only 1, well... I can't just give up all my spare time for my DSS, and drive all over creation & spend all my $$$ on him when we have other kids & bills to consider.

Trust me, I hear your frustration on this. From the sounds of it. And I could be wrong. Your DF is doing this out of guilt. He wants to see his DS & he feels guilty that he doesn't see him all the time & the moment he has the opportunity to see him, he takes it, no matter what is happening around him, no matter whom else it may or may not hurt both emotionally & maybe financially. In the end, it's making you resent not only your DF but also even his son/DSS, correct? You feel as though your needs, your child are on the backburner & you can't win, right? It's not fair. When will this be treated right?

My argument w/ my DH is that w/ my DS & my ex is that we have a schedule, which yeah, it can vary but for the most part it's every other weekend & we stick to that. I don't just call him up & say "do you want to see him?" when it's convenient for me. I know that it's important for not only my ex & his wife, but for my son to have stability & consistency. I think that is the major factor/problem in our DH/DF's lives right now. They don't know how to put their foot/feet down & say "I need a schedule"... or some sort of stability.

But I hear you when you try to talk to him about it, he gets defensive & automatically thinks you want him to blow off his son or that you're jealous of his son or that you want his son to be out of the picture. I've heard all of that w/ my DH over & over again. This is not new statements to me. I try to remind my DH that it's not about jealousy, it's about fairness & that he's chosen to separate our family & he's doing it by omission & w/ out us. I also try to point out that he has a responsibility to the other children & me as his wife to keep us together, not apart. I try to remind him that allowing his ex-wife to "call the shots" isn't in his divorce agreement & that it's not only illegal & he can take her to court for it but not good for his relationship w/ his son. In the end, the son is calling the shots as well.

I know I haven't given you many solutions on this issue, but I can say that I DO know how you feel 100% and I know what it's like to have a day/weekend planned & then at the last minute get that call & all gets changed in a heart beat. It's like the second my DH's cell phone rings, I know, I know the tone in his voice, and his words & then after he hangs up what he's going to say & my heart sinks. I know how the weekend we've planned is all a mess & now we are going to drive all over creation for his son b/c his ex is wanting to go out drinking or she doesn't want to deal w/ their child. The list goes on. If you ever want to chat. I am here, you can PM me.

Not sure if this helped or not but I hope it makes you feel not so alone.

HUGS
Chantelle
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  #5  
January 1st, 2009, 10:10 AM
JustBecca's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Suffolk, Virginia
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Welcome back! I am Becca the other co-host here.

I would suggest that you talk to your DF about why you make plans and how it is hard on everyone when they are changed at the last minute. Remind him that you love DSS but it is hard to just up and change plans. I think that the counsuling is a great idea if it works. Maybe this is something that you can bring up. Maybe the counsulor will have some advice to share on why that is difficult to do.

I wish that I had the fix for this. I am a little fried these days!
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  #6  
January 2nd, 2009, 01:47 PM
ToonTownGirl's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 729
<span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS">I hope that things work out for you and the DF. I know that feeling too. The "X" decides that it's convenient for her, so therefore it disrupts everyone else's lives. And if you say well we can't we have plans, she proceeds to inform the DSS that his dad doesn't love him and doesn't want to spend time with him.

I pray that things get better for you. It's gotten to the point where I was driving across the city twice a weekend, to pick up DSS and to drop him off. I have finally put my foot down and they can come and get him. They get pissy about it, but I really don't care. Why should I be sacrificing MY time, and MY gas to bring him to her? When in her infamous words "It's not my responsibility to get DSS to you, you have to come and get him". But that only works for her apparently, until I put my foot down, and said forget it. You want DSS, YOU come and get him. She has threatened to call the cops, and we tell her to go ahead, and suddenly 20 minutes later someone is here to pick up DSS. Just tired of the games, and her trying to control everything. And she's ticked off that we are fighting back. So we will see what 2009 brings for us.

Cheers,
T</span>
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  #7  
January 3rd, 2009, 02:06 PM
*Leslie*'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I usually just lurk in this forum, but felt compelled to reply when I read this thread. The stories that you all are telling sound EXACTLY like mine. I am glad to know that I am not alone in this. To the original poster, I know what you are going through. Just keep talking about the issue. That's what I do, and it gets hard and I feel like I'm beating my head against a wall. But just letting it go isn't going to solve it in the long run, while arguing isn't either. Goodluck!
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