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  #1  
January 9th, 2009, 06:26 AM
ToonTownGirl's Avatar Super Mommy
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  #2  
January 9th, 2009, 08:41 PM
mommy-heather's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Thats not fair to your DSS or to your SO or to you for that matter. I kind of in the same boat but not with my DS sperm doner or anything cause shot he could care less if he see's DS he never calls or wants to see him anyways but DS sperm doner has a 3 year old son whos 9 months older than DS whom he doesnt see either and hasnt since he was a year old anyways his 3 years old mom has keep in touch with me so DS and his brother can keep in touch well in august for Ds birthday she let me take him for a few hours to my moms house which is right down the road from her house which she knew where that was to DS's 2 bday party everything went great and then she got PG and everything changed and she has stopped all contact with me and DS has not been able to see his brother... well DS is at the point where is always asking for his brother wheres he's at, wants to talk to him ect. and he cant he has even cryed for hours before going to bed cause he wants his brother. But my DF has tryed to tell him that we cant talk to him right now and have no idea why. but with him being 2 years old he doesnt understand. so im kinda in the same boat but not really.

Thats crazy that she is doing that cant you take her to court or something..

Im sorry you and your SO and Your DSS has to go through this.
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  #3  
January 10th, 2009, 08:26 AM
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  #4  
January 10th, 2009, 08:30 AM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
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Speaking from personal experience w/ not only my son but from my DH's son.

When a kid is sick, it's usually bio-mom that handles it, not the bio-dad. Usually when a kid is injured or ill, they want to be w/ their mom. Now if it's life & death, obviously you want both parties there, but if it's a bump on the head, pink eye, stomach flu, ear infection etc. JMO.

When ever my son is sick, he does not go w/ his father. He stays home in his house, in his room, in his bed, and recovers. I take him to the doctors, I take him to get the medications, I do it all. Always have. My ex doesn't do that. If my DS gets sick in the middle of being w/ his dad on a weekend, his father will call me & I pick up my DS & bring him to the doctors & take him back home w/ me. Visitation is done for the remainder of the weekend. Just the way it's been w/ me. Same as w/ my DH & his ex wife & their son, if their child is sick, he stays home w/ her, and he doesn't see his son, and that's that. Everyone else I talk too that is in the same situation around me, same rules pretty much apply. They aren't to be vindictive or rude or trying to keep the child isolated or from the father, it's just a matter of "mommy knows best" (usually).

Now, my ex does have a copy of my DS' medical insurance card, so if something happened & I wasn't around, he could take my DS to the doctors or the ER. But again, it's always been me.

I know it may "seem" vindictive. And perhaps in your situation it is? but I am speaking from my experiences & from my DH's experiences w/ his ex wife (which isn't even mine) and my friends. They are all the same.

I know that it's time taken away from the child & father, and that is not fair too, and dad probably feels like he's capable of caring for the child when the child is hurt or sick just as much, but... kids usually want to be w/ their mother. I know my DS has always said "when I'm sick I want to come home mom"... when he's not sick, he never asks to come home. He loves to stay w/ his dad. It's just one of those things.

Sorry you feel like she's denying you. Maybe think of it as how I've just explained it?

Yesterday my son was sent home from school w/ an ear ache & fever, he also got pink eye & when we brought him to the doctors he got medication & now has the stomach flu. This weekend he was "suppose" to be w/ his dad & dad was "suppose" bring him to BBall & Religious Ed. but he isn't b/c he's sick. He understands too. At first he used to be upset but it's normal now.

HIH

Chantelle
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  #5  
January 10th, 2009, 02:07 PM
mommy-heather's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
<span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS">I'm sorry that has happened to you, and especially to your DS. It's weird how adults seem to think that things are better for themselves, then what's really the best thing for their kids.

***UPDATE***

Well we ended up getting the DSS this weekend. After the day progressed on, and pressure from her family, we got DSS for the weekend. But now, she has told him that he has a choice in whether or not he wants to stay here or come back to her house. Ummm... no, he's only 8. This is why children have guardians, to make decisions for them. We won't be answering the phone when she calls. They can talk when we drop him off tomorrow. She has completely denied ANY kind of contact for my SO to have contact with his DS while he is with her, so why make the some compromise for the 2 short days that we have him.

Cheers,
T</span>[/b]

Your right. When he seem his little brother at the bday party for the first time in like 5 months all he could do is hold onto to his little brother and want to be next to my DS so you know her DS misses his little brother as well. it just kills ya know.

but im glad you and your so got DSS for the weekend. and making a 8 year old choice is nutts im sorry but no way. what is she thinking.
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  #6  
January 10th, 2009, 04:31 PM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
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Quote:
<span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS">I'm sorry that has happened to you, and especially to your DS. It's weird how adults seem to think that things are better for themselves, then what's really the best thing for their kids.

***UPDATE***

Well we ended up getting the DSS this weekend. After the day progressed on, and pressure from her family, we got DSS for the weekend. But now, she has told him that he has a choice in whether or not he wants to stay here or come back to her house. Ummm... no, he's only 8. This is why children have guardians, to make decisions for them. We won't be answering the phone when she calls. They can talk when we drop him off tomorrow. She has completely denied ANY kind of contact for my SO to have contact with his DS while he is with her, so why make the some compromise for the 2 short days that we have him.

Cheers,
T</span>[/b]


Rule # something or other in the Blended Family situation, NEVER, EVER, EVER have a child make a decision, EVER! All decision are to be made by the parents, that's why they call it "co-parenting".
The parents are to discuss details & discuss possibilities & so on, and then options & then decide how to deliver the "options A or B" to the child which of course the child doesn't realize this but the parents
have already made the decision(s) for them prior w/ the best interest for all parties involved before talking to the child.

These are some major co-parenting issues going here. Ex-etiquette for parents, it's a book, I would recommend either having her or your Dh or you even reading this.
Can't hurt. You're already at this point.

Hope things improve.

~C

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  #7  
January 11th, 2009, 08:22 AM
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  #8  
January 11th, 2009, 01:34 PM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
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What does your DH have to say about all of this? How does he feel? I know you're upset about how things are going, but you have to remember, this is the child's bio-mom, regardless of how much you may or may not like her, KWIM? If you give off a negative vibe about bio-mom around DSS (even if you don't know that you are), you might end up pushing DSS away by accident. It happens.

Surely co-parenting in a blended family is difficult, you are dealing w/ two different environments & two different set of rules etc., what you have to remember is no matter what, this child's mother is the primary, and technically, you really don't have much legal say in what happens. I don't say that to be mean, but you might want to take a step back & let your DH step in & have him deal w/ her. That used to be my biggest mistake, I used to get all bent out of shape & upset about my DSS' bio-mom & sometimes, I still do, but in the long run, I had to take a step back & say "not my kid, not my problem"... and let my DH parent his son because ultimately, that is between him & his ex-wife, not me. Your step-children are not your children & you're not responsible for them. Sure it hurts to see your DH not have his child as much, but if he's upset & has issues w/ how things are going, he needs to have that conversation w/ her, and let that be between him & her. If he's fine w/ how things are going, then you shouldn't let it be bothering you either.

If bio-mom is using this as leverage, I dunno... it's not good. But I am not her, I don't know the story & as Dr. Phil says "I don't care how flat you make a pancake, there are always two sides". Meaning, I can't be completely objective when I have only 1 side. I can only go by w/ what you are saying.

I am trying to save you future headaches, since you're not a bio-mom to this child, I would highly recommend to step back & not be so involved & get so upset. Obviously be there for your DH if & when he needs your advice & support but if he doesn't ask for your advice or support on these issues, I wouldn't even offer anything more. I've learned this over the years, it's not worth it. You can choose to be upset daily about something you can't change or you can choose to let go on something that your DH isn't wanting to change at all & focus on other things that make you happy. Having a negative mind set on bio-mom all the time is just going to make things so much more difficult. All you can do is offer a positive environment in your home & be a good role model when the child is w/ you. If DH wants your assistance or help w/ an issue, be his support system. Just keep in mind, w/ the legal system, you wouldn't be part of the equation if he took bio-mom to court. They rarely like to hear from the new wife/husband's unless there is a special circumstance (i.e. abuse allegations).

My best advice is to let a lot of your personal frustration w/ bio-mom go & let your DH take the reins on this. It's hard to do but it will make things easier for all involved. In the end, no matter how much you dislike her, she is still this child's mother, that is never going to change. You can either try to deal w/ it, ignore it, embrace it or let DH deal w/ it & focus on issues that you have a say in.



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  #9  
January 12th, 2009, 12:06 AM
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Again, I would have to disagree with Chantelle. I am more mother to my DSD then her bio-mom. I am the one that has taken her to the dr when she is sick. I am the one that takes her to the dr for her shots and well-visits. I am the one that takes her to the eye dr and gets her glasses (3 pairs now). I am the one that gives DSD medicine if she doesn't feel well. I am the one that gives her allergy medicine. At bio-mom's house, she gives benadryl when sick....to knock the kid out so she isn't a hassle. The last time biomom took DSD to dr for a well-visit was when she was 15 mo (maybe younger). The last time biomom had to hold DSD when getting shots was that long too. The last time biomom took DSD to a dr when she was sick was Feb 2006. Most times, she runs DSD to the ER for minor things, but she doesn't even do that anymore.

All situations vary of course, but there is no reason why a step-parent cannot fill the roll of parent in their household. Co-parenting, in my experience, is crap. Our house is structured and well-run. DSD knows the rules. SHe knows the consequences. Bio-mom has no set rules. DSD gets put in the corner or smacked with a belt if she breaks a rule. Scratch that, if she bothers mom. There are no rules. It is random punishment. DSD is homeschooled per bio-mom, but I do more schooling than she does. Easy to get a child to pass into the next grade when step-mom is the one teaching DSD. Anytime DH discusses co-parenting with his ex, she doesn't want to hear it. SHe doesn't care about consistency for DSD. Even when we tell her that HONESTLY, we don't have ANY of the problems with DSD that she has, she doesn't want to hear it.

Bio-mom tells DSD ALL the time now that I am the best step-mom. SHe tells me that I am more than she could have hoped for because I love my DSD as my own. I treat her as my own. DSD calls me mom and mommy now more often. SHe says when she calls me that, it means she has 2 mommies.

AS DH's ex has said "if you show up every 1st, 3rd and 5th Friday, I HAVE to give DSD, no ifs ands or buts." The court papers state the visitation rights. There is no "if child is unwell" clause. WE have every right to her and we take her PERIOD. Unfortunately, DH's ex hasn't made too drastic a mistake with DSD yet. It's a bunch of smaller things that all add up to bad parenting. Is it enough to get custody? I don't know. Is our household 100 times more stable, loving, and productive then bio-mom's household? ABSOLUTELY HANDS DOWN YES.

There are bio-parents in this world that treat their children like pawns in a game. Whether the reason be revenge or manipulation...who knows why. When, as a step-parent, you care more about the child's well-being than their birth parent, it is frustrating and infuriating. But when I said "I do" to my husband, I knew that I was taking on a DSD and an ex. I said I do to a family. I pledged to love my DH thru good times and bad. Bad times include his ex and all the fury of that situation. My life would be much easier if I stepped back and let the situation go. But I would lose out on the love of a child. I would lose out on being a stable mother figure in her life. I would be saying to DH that I don't give a rat's *ss about how his child turns out. DSD will become a stronger more independent woman because I am in her life, as a mother. Without me taking that role, she would be a lost cause. Unfortunately, courts don't see that as good motivation to take a child away. They don't care if the child becomes a blight on society. COurts care that the child will live.

In Texas, step-parents are a great factor in custody. My friend LOST custody of her children because the judge believed her husband at that time (the children's step-father), was a bad influence. He was not abusive. The court decided that the bio-father and his wife were better for the children than the bio-mother and her husband.
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  #10  
January 12th, 2009, 05:47 AM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
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Quote:
Again, I would have to disagree with Chantelle. All situations vary of course, but there is no reason why a step-parent cannot fill the roll of parent in their household.

There are bio-parents in this world that treat their children like pawns in a game. Whether the reason be revenge or manipulation...who knows why. My life would be much easier if I stepped back and let the situation go.[/b]
It's fine to disagree with "ME" but at least quote my comments on what you disagree about, because from the above comment I just quoted, it actually sounds like you agree with most of what I said.

Blended families, they are all different, they are blended, no two are the same.

Any ways... the point is... every situation is different, per above we all know that. And, unless DH wants to really press the issue w/ the bio-mom, then stepping out of boundaries isn't something any one should do (i.e., visitation, custody), but when it comes to a child being in YOUR home, that's different, you have the child in YOUR home, they need rules, and you can enforce those rules if you want too & DH agrees that you can do so.

The whole exchange of the child, weekends, holidays, etc., is between the bio-parents, not step-parent, unless it's stated in the divorce agreement, period. Which if your DH/SO of DF wants to get the courts to modify his current court order to have you (the step-parent, meaning, you must be married, no court will care on if or when you are planning on marriage, you must be married), added in as a person of say to the child in question, your DSS or DSD, then & only then do you have legal say in the child's legal custody or rights. But again, when the child is in your home, even if you are NOT married, you have a right to enforce your rules as you see fit as long as you & your DH/SO/DF have agreed that these are the "house rules"....

Yes, some bio-parents like to use their children as a game. It's sad, but it's reality.



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  #11  
January 12th, 2009, 05:58 AM
ToonTownGirl's Avatar Super Mommy
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  #12  
January 12th, 2009, 06:24 AM
ToonTownGirl's Avatar Super Mommy
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Yes, some bio-parents like to use their children as a game. It's sad, but it's reality.

[/size][/b]
<span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS">.</span>
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  #13  
January 12th, 2009, 06:26 AM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
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Sounds like you have a great plan. I've read a few books, which have REALLY helped me along the way, I think they would help you too. Good luck!
  1. Ex-Etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After a Divorce or Separation by by Jann Blackstone-Ford (Author), Sharyl Jupe (Author)
  2. Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child by Isolina Ricci (Author)
  3. How To Win As A Stepfamily by by Visher (Author)
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  #14  
January 12th, 2009, 10:55 AM
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I agree that every situation is different. I see no reason why the bio dad can't & shouldn't have the child's medical card. And can be completely capable of taking care of a sick child.

I also think books are a good idea. Knowledge is power kwim. However, it's 1 sided knowledge. If the ex is bound & determine to cause problems, no book is going to help. I learned from experience that dealing rationally with an irrational person is impossible.

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  #15  
January 12th, 2009, 11:08 AM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
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Quote:
I agree that every situation is different. I see no reason why the bio dad can't & shouldn't have the child's medical card. And can be completely capable of taking care of a sick child.

I also think books are a good idea. Knowledge is power kwim. However, it's 1 sided knowledge. If the ex is bound & determine to cause problems, no book is going to help. I learned from experience that dealing rationally with an irrational person is impossible.[/b]
Couldn't agree w/ that more, some people are just miserable no matter what you do. All the counseling & books wont do anything, they are just there to be miserable & make everyone else miserable. I've BTDT as well.

Father's do great jobs w/ their kids too, I know some that do better jobs actually. Unfortunately, there are some that are oblivious & don't do as "good" of a job. Men can be oblivious to a routine w/ medical needs, especially if a child is medically challenged & requires more than just some Tylenol. I know I am constantly the one is telling my DH "did you give DSS his Rx yet?" he ALWAYS forgets, and I mean ALWAYS..never, ever remembers. It's nuts. He doesn't do it on purpose but he just does. If I weren't around he wouldn't give the kid his meds at all.

Thankfully, when my DSS is around, I am here too...
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  #16  
January 12th, 2009, 02:02 PM
ToonTownGirl's Avatar Super Mommy
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Quote:
Sounds like you have a great plan. I've read a few books, which have REALLY helped me along the way, I think they would help you too. Good luck!
  1. Ex-Etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After a Divorce or Separation by by Jann Blackstone-Ford (Author), Sharyl Jupe (Author)
  2. Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child by Isolina Ricci (Author)
  3. How To Win As A Stepfamily by by Visher (Author)
</span>[/b]

<span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS">Thanks for the suggestions I will for surely check them out! Any kind of help is appreciated.

Cheers,
T
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