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  #1  
January 13th, 2009, 10:34 AM
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  #2  
January 13th, 2009, 06:38 PM
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I am really sorry that you are having to go through all that. I know that it has to be hard on all of you. You are not the first step mom to be done with the step children and I am sure that you are not going to be the last. Maybe with some time away from ya'll she will see that she misses the family time that you had together.

Does the younger DD still come to visit or will your DH just visit her when he goes to visit the older one?

Did the older DD know that he was not her bio dad her whole life? I am just curious because my sister's both have different dad's than me and eachother for that matter. One knew their entire life that my dad was not her bio dad and the other didn't know until she was 10. They both have SERIOUS issues with my dad now because of it. (they are a little y to begin with) I just thought that maybe if this is new info that she is having a hard time adjusting.

I am not sure that I even offered any support to you but I am glad that you were able to get it all out!
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  #3  
January 14th, 2009, 06:22 AM
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wow i dont know much of your situation but i totally cannot blame you for just stepping back!! i would also if i were in your type of situation!
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  #4  
January 14th, 2009, 08:22 AM
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  #5  
January 14th, 2009, 11:32 AM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
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<div class=\'quotetop\'>QUOTE(My2miracles @ Jan 13 2009, 01:34 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div><div class=\'quotemain\'>I'm way better looking & much, much thinner! Plus DH & I had a much wanted but a complete surprise pregnancy after our divorce but before we got married...

In November, DH adopted my DD from my previous marriage. This fueled the fire...

But I am worn out & I truly believe I have Post Traumatic Stress syndrome. I just don't have the strength to fight another battle right now. Plus my DD has been to hell and back with me. She deserves better. She's only 6 and has seen things grownups should see....

Before anyone flames me....

Wow I didn't mean to write this much. It just came flying out.[/b][/quote]


Okay... firstly, the comment of you being better looking, that made me smile, in a good way, you cracked a joke & I've never heard you do that before, you've allowed yourself to be YOU and your letting your true self out there, it's a side of you I've never seen & it's cool to see that you are able to be comfy w/ us.

I can see how the ex & the DD would be "acting out"... if this is the way they've acted in the past. I wish I could give you advice to change things or how it would get better but from the sounds of it, it doesn't sound like it will. My DH's ex is similar (not as bad) but similar & my DSS is also devious (again not as bad) but I can relate & it's trying on a person's life. The difference w/ me is that I don't really see my DSS, my DH see's his son at my MIL's house during the week & I am not there. The sad part of that is my children, DSS' brothers, aren't bonding & forming a brother relationship, which is sad.

Any who... back to you. You shouldn't have to put up w/ the drama. It sounds like your DH has been her doormat for years & unfortunately when he's tried to move on w/ his life & did the "right" things in his life w/ his wife (who treats him right) the ex/bio-mom gets angry. This is normal for a bio-mom/ex to do sometimes. Often no matter what you do, the bio-mom will not be happy, even if they don't want your DH back, they don't want to see your DH happy, and he is, and then to add that he adopted a child that is not biologically his, well... that was icing on her cake, KWIM? She has no say in what he does, he can do what ever he wants, he can adopt 10 more kids if he wants, it's none of her darn business, but she likes to think so & in retaliation, her way of behaving is making your life heck. As a wife, or as wives, we TRY to be there for our DH's (or SO/DF's) and listen, be the shoulder & give advice. The problem w/ that is after a while, it's the SAME OLD STORY, just a different day. You might as well be shooting a dead horse. For him, it's horrible & feels like a new story, for you, it's the same story different day & you want to shake him & say "what's your deal? enough is enough! stop adding fuel yourself! stand up for yourself & US as a family and ME as your wife & yourself as MAN & your DD that you adopted & don't allow these people to manipulate our lives anymore!" right? Something along those lines. Not those exact words perhaps but you know what I am trying to say.

I had to stop listening to my DH.. I know that sounds harsh but unless it's major, and I mean major drama, something that is going to affect ME or my CHILDREN directly, I don't ask or listen. The moment DH's ex-wife call's the house, I can tell, his tone changes, as much as I want to hear what he has to say, and when he starts yelling as much as I'd love to hear her attitude problem, I walk away. I used to put my ear up to the wall to get an ear shot of what he would say before he would tell me, how sad is that? Then I realized that I was in the drama & ended up making my day be a mess for nothing. It had nothing to do w/ me, it didn't really affect me, it wasn't my issue to resolve & I had to stop listening.

Now when DH does try to tell me something about his ex-wife, I usually listen but I don't really listen. In that I mean, I don't give advice, but I don't just hang up the phone or walk out of the room either. But I don't get involved. I might say "really?" or "wow"... or "sorry that happened"... but I don't say "what are you going to do?" or "now what?" I don't ask questions EVER... because that leads to more answers & more questions & then I am involved. Then I end up a mess emotionally. DH & I end up fighting & it's over his ex-wife & DS & it's not worth our marriage to fight over that.

I am def not going to "flame" you... not at all. You don't deserve that & there is nothing that you said in your post that I would bash you or respond in that manner. Certain things are sometimes posted on this forum & I often say "are they for real?" but nothing in your post did I think that. I just feel really bad. Your DH finally adopted your DD & I thought "wow, she finally can move on w/ her life & get things in a good place"... I wondered if you'd ever post anymore, but to hear you open up, I am so glad that you did. You needed a place to come & let it out, you finally felt okay to do it. I am so happy that you were able to trust us enough to go there. That's a hard thing to do sometimes. And, you did it w/ your head up & w/ some humor. Life is hard & we all know that it is.

As far as your ex & how he treated you & hurt you. My heart aches for you. Being abused is no joking matter & I wont get into it b/c it's something I've never done...yet...but I'll tell you that I DO understand 100% how you feel.

As far as your child seeing things or hearing things that she shouldn't be around at that age, ITA & you being aware of that, is awesome. As a mom you are in tune that it's not okay & when arguments or certain things happen around a child that is not for a child to hear/see, it changes who they are forever, and the fact that the ex-wife (being a psychologist) doesn't have respect for that of a child, shows some serious character flaws. I'd wonder if she has her licenses up to date to practice and if she does, if a report is in order. I'd be looking into that as an option. Not trying to give you ideas or more "fish to fry" but I hate to see this person who is trained to "help people" hurt people, especially innocent children.

I wish I had more advice to give you. It does sound like you have a plan of action. Your DH is aware of the seriousness, he is going to see his kids elsewhere & that's a good thing for your DD but it's sad for you & it's sending a message to your DSD that she's won in a way, but what else are you suppose to do? put your house in a mess for her? NOT! I did what you are doing for the same reasons. My DSS made my house impossible to function and he no longer spends weekends here. It's sad but it's true. My DH's relationship w/ his DS is 100% separate from our relationship as a family w/ our 3 kids at home. It's so not right but it's the ONLY way. We've tried over & over & after family & couple's counseling, there are no other options.

I truly hope that you can find some sort of resolution in all of this. You sound like such a good person & your DD is non-deserving of this mess. I hope & pray that all goes accordingly. If there is anything we can do, we're here for you & of course, PM me if you want. I have a lot of stuff in common w/ you, more so that I ever thought.

Again... we're here for you girl, hang in there!



~C
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  #6  
January 14th, 2009, 02:53 PM
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  #7  
January 15th, 2009, 05:43 AM
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We teach people how to treat us. That's a common statement that I've heard but it's so true. I look at my DH & his ex-wife, and they've been together since he was 14, she was his first, and they've grown up together, they've never truly learned any other way to behave other than as children. As a result, he still sort of behaves like that child at 14. And so does she. He is afraid of her, he's admitted that, and it's b/c he's afraid she will take his son away, which I've assured him that will NEVER happen, but he doesn't get it. He just has the fear of God in his mind that she can do what ever she wants & what ever she wants, he does. That means, he will push me down, walk on my face, walk over our kids as well to get to her & his son from that previous marriage to do what ever THEY want. It hurts like hell & it's something that I hate. Looking back, had I known today that I'd be the LAST one on his list & our kids would be LAST like this? I don't know if I'd be here. It's hard to say, I love him, I love our kids, but knowing all the hardships I've been through & the ones I've YET to go through, I can't say.

Being abused... gosh, if I had a penny for all the times someone emotionally, physically damaged me, I'd be a millionaire. It's sad. Breaking the cycle is so difficult too. You try so hard but then you find yourself saying stuff that you look back & go "wow... what just came out of my mouth?" or "why am I putting up w/ this?" and then you realize that although it's not being punched in the face, you might as well be, it would be better actually, the bruise would heal faster than the emotional crap, right?

Dealing w/ family drama & secrets. OMG... I wish I could elaborate on something right now but b/c of lurking eyes I cannot but I will PM you b/c I have to share. Just know, you are so not alone in this.

I am not regretting that you've opened up. I am glad that you have. It's taken you a long time. You can tell that you've been hurting & you've taken me by surprise. When I saw your post I thought "wow"... and I read it but I didn't want to respond until I had the time to truly elaborate b/c you were one of the gals who had NEVER done this before & I didn't want to just "half *****" the response. Not that I do that to the others but I knew that was a big step for you. It was something I wanted to touch on w/ every bit that I could.

Keep your chin up!


~C
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  #8  
January 15th, 2009, 09:40 AM
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Thanks Chantelle.

I am truly lucky. My DH is the most wonderful human being on earth.
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  #9  
January 16th, 2009, 10:13 AM
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I am really sorry that you are having to go through all that.
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  #10  
January 16th, 2009, 07:04 PM
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<span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS">Sorry to hear that you are going through such a rough time, I hope that things get better. Stay positive and make sure that you take care of yourself. It's hard to take care of anyone else if you aren't looking out for you first. Stay strong, it sounds like you have a great head on your shoulders and you know what you want. I'm super proud of you for standing up to DH and telling him the way that it is, and how it's going to be. That's awesome!

Cheers,
T</span>
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  #11  
January 17th, 2009, 12:19 AM
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I am so sorry. It is so sad. Most of all for the kid (the 14 year old). It was not her fault and she is the one paying for it. Apparently all her actions are a reaction to what happened. She needs help. So sad. You two have each other. The ex-wife has her own life and lives in her own world. Your kids have a dad and a mom. The only one truly alone here is that poor girl. I don't see her as a witch. Just as someone truly hurt by what life and people dealt for her......
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  #12  
January 19th, 2009, 11:05 AM
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Quote:
I am so sorry. It is so sad. Most of all for the kid (the 14 year old). It was not her fault and she is the one paying for it. Apparently all her actions are a reaction to what happened. She needs help. So sad. You two have each other. The ex-wife has her own life and lives in her own world. Your kids have a dad and a mom. The only one truly alone here is that poor girl. I don't see her as a witch. Just as someone truly hurt by what life and people dealt for her......[/b]
whatever
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