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DH and I were married last month, after years of friendship. I am now officially Bonus mom to two wonderful children DSD is 8 and DSS is 6. Last week DH was talking with a close family friend and mentioned that his divorce was one of the best things to happen to him, that he has a new lease of life and is very happy. DSS overheard this conversation and hit DH commenting that DH doesn't love his mommy. DH and I have had numerous conversations about this DH and his ex were together for 20 years, they have two wonderful children. DH cares for his ex but not as his wife but as a friend that has been a large part of his life and is the mother of his children. My feeling in regards to his ex are that I can only be thankful and care for her, again she is the mother of two wonderful children and without her my life would not be what it is today. DH and I are both very happy and have been through some rough time together. Yes, DH ex can be a witch a times but we roll with the punches and look for the happy times.
Has anyone else's children gone through this stage of accusing the bio parent of not loving etc toward the other bio parent? This entire exchange concerned me a little because we have gone to such great lengths to remain respectful, kind and caring toward DH's ex. We have always reiterated that we care about mommy, always listening to the children and never speaking badly about mommy.
no we have not gone through that at all...i would just reassure the child that both parents love them very much and that one parent does care for the other.....just because its not love doesnt mean they dont love them
This goes back to when they got a divorce/separation & how that was handled. What was said to the children. Usually in a healthy situation family counseling is involved & the kids are explained that regardless of the fact that the parents have decided that they have chosen not to live in the same house anymore, that the kids are still loved by both of the parents & that both parents have respect for one another (even if they hate each other in reality), KWIM? If that never happened in your DH's situation, perhaps that might need to happen. I mean, in that DH & his ex-wife might need to sit down w/ the children & explain that the divorce was not a result of anything THEY did & that this was their decision & that the love they have for each other isn't the same anymore & although the love changed in THEIR situation, the love for their children WILL NEVER, EVER change. Most children fear "well, if mommy & daddy's love changed, then how will I know if they will love me or if their love will change too?" they start to doubt or second guess themselves & wonder. This is when they need reassurance & explanation. This is when a therapist, family counseling, is EXTREMELY important. Children have this thing of thinking that everything is their fault or that this could happen to them too.
Unfortunately our situation is bad. Bio mom telling DSD that daddy is dead so she wouldn't meet him. They are still in court after 9 years. So DSD knows how things were and never says anything similar. She just says 'i wish things have been different and mom and dad could be together'. But that is more than justified in my book. I think your DH should have a talk with his son though. The kid hasn't understood what is going on. Or he is not believing it is forever, or he just needs to talk it out with his dad. Alone....and not with you honey.
I wish you guys to find your balance......
" \m/ Now Iím riding through the air
going to where no one dares
on the way Iíll cross the line forevermore \m/ "
LOL : ) , I'm stationed 2,000 miles away from DH, DSS and DSD, we are working very hard to teach them that our marriage is forever, even though my duty station is here my heart is at home with them. It is a struggle but in the end we feel it is only making our marriage stronger because we are both committed to making the best of this situation and continuing to grow as a couple and a family.
My concern for DSS is that he is not seeing the different between when mommy and daddy separated and started living in two homes, versus DH and I who are geographically separated while still very much committed to each other, the children, our marriage and have very open frequent lines of communication.