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Ok so....my bf has a daughter and she calls his mom Grandma and his dad Grandpa. My brother has a little boy and he calls my mom Grandma and my dad Grandad. So...has anyone had to deal with this. I am not sure as to what my bf's daughter should call my mom....Im trying to figure this out because when we get married it needs to be figured out. She doesn't really call them anything right now and that bothers me as well. I want my mom to have a unique and individual grandma name that eventually his daughter and our future children will call my mom. She won't call my mom grandma cause she already has one...so please help!
If you have any suggestions I would LOVE your help!
<span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS">IMHO his daughter shouldn't have to call your parents anything. She can call them by their first names. I don't mean to sound snotty or anything, but we are dealing with the whole "LABEL" thing in our situation. I don't believe in labels. I'm not sure of the whole situation, like how long you and your bf have been together, or how old the children are, but I don't think that your BF's daughter should have to call your parents anything other than their first names.
DH's mother was very gracious in the beginning of our relationship. She talked to DD & said "you can call me Grandma Sandy if you want. But you don't have to. But I would love to be an additional grandma to you"
It was appropriate since we were having a child together who would call her grandma. And eventually DH adopted DD so she's legally grandma now.
So my parents are grandma & grandpa (as DD only had 1 set before) & DH's mother is Grandma Sandy. My parent live in another state so we don't see them much. I suspect if we saw there more we would use their 1st names as well.
When I was growing up my parents never divorced but we called my grandparents on both sides grandma lastname & grandpa lastname. It wasn't weird at all.
Of course, in your case it depends on how comfortable DSD is with the grandma title.
Okay... this is hard. Let me give you some advice from MY experience.
My DS has had his NOW step-mother in his life since he's been born....BUT....when he was born, step-mother, was only a girl-friend, not a fiancee, or a wife, but a girl-friend. Girlfriend took it upon herself to have my DS call HER mother "grammy/grammie"... which honestly... was out of line. To this day, I do think that was called for, and I totally 100% think that it was a BAD decision for them to do that. They did not ask me, they did nothing. There is more to the story but again, this "grammy/grammie" was NOT related to my DS' in any way shape or form, blood or not.
Now... I understand that you love the child, I understand that your mother (potential grandma) loves the child, but I don't think that calling mom anything other than her REAL name is a good idea. Maybe make up a name like "mimi" or something fun, but nothing on the lines of "grandma, granny, grammy, memere" I just think that is totally disrespectful...UNLESS...UNLESS...you have had a long & hard discussion w/ the child's bio-mother & the bio-mother is 100% in favor of this name for your mother.
I realize you love your man, I realize that you want to blend things in a good way, I honor you for that on a lot of levels. I just think that putting that name there is a bad idea. It's sort of like this. Would you expect the child to call you "MOM" now? The child already has a bio-mother, you wouldn't want the child to call you mom and I can bet that the child's BM would be hurt, and furious if she discovered that you were trying to fill that title. I know it's just a title, but it's a title that is earned in a way that really can make things messy.
IMHO, I truly believe that anything other than her REAL name is not a good idea. Some may disagree w/ this, some may not. You may have more to your story that would support this decision. I am speaking solely from my heart, from my personal experience & how it made me feel very hurt, and disgusted. I wish to God that no one else had that happen to them.
I know this doesn't give you the happy answer you wanted, but it's speaking from my heart & from what I went through. As I said, maybe a nickname like "mimi" or something along those lines, that only SHE has for a name w/ the child would be nice? That might work. Otherwise I have no real advice.
My dad started dating a woman about 6 years ago. I call her Deb. She and I had a discussion about it. She said that my grandchildren call me Nana and if your children would like to call me that I would love it. Or they can call me Deb or Grandma or Stinky face! They were living together and I had already made a bet for a $100 that my dad was going to marry her so I knew that she was sticking around. They started calling her Nana Deb and then they just dropped the Deb and only call her Nana. They call her mom GG-MA for great grandma. They they call my DH's mom Grandma, my mom Granny, my dad Grampbum and DH's dad Grampbum in Alaska. They call DH's grandparents Blue Grandma and Grandpa and his other grandma they call Grandma Kalina.
Then there is the situation that we are going to have to deal with shortly. My FIL is getting a divorce. They never had any children but my kids called her Grandma Diane. That is going to be weird to have to explain all that to them, which I won't until they ask about her which they never do because we have only seen her a few times in 12 years (that is how long they were married).
So there is ALOT of Grandmas and Grandpa's in our family.
So in my experience with MY children they can never have too many Grandma's and Grandpa's that love them. There are even 2 older ladies at my church that my kids call Nana and Granny because they love them.
I would talk to the bio-mom before doing anything because she might be one of those people that feel weird about it.
I think I might have rambled a little!
GL to you and please stick around because we would love to have you.
Thank you ~* Helen *~ for the best all about me siggie! You are absolutely fabulous!
My SDD calls my mom Mimi, which technically is a variation on her first name but is what my nieces and nephew call her as well. Our children will call her that in the future and we did not want SDD to feel different from all my moms other grandchildren, dont you think she would feel weird being the only one to call her something else? My mom loves them all equally and therefor they should all be treated them same. I agree with the previous poster what is wrong with calling them that? It doesn't hurt anything...
Here's my issue. My bf and I ARE going to get married. I know that whatever she calls my parents that is what our kids will call them. My parents are NOT going to called by their first names by their grandkids. As of right now she has been told to call them by their first names but she is not comfortable with that. She doesn't know what she is comfortable with. So thats why Im trying to figure this all out. I will not have her call my parents anything without it being ok with my bf and his daughters bio mom. I would not want to go behind her back at all. I mean she is not my daughter and Im not trying to take her moms place nor am I trying to push her other grandparents out. I think you all understand that. And my mom won't be called Nana that is what her mom was called(she passed away and she feels that she can't do that) my dads mom was called Mimi so again she won't take that name. So Im just in a rock and a hard place I guess!
Here's my issue. My bf and I ARE going to get married. I know that whatever she calls my parents that is what our kids will call them. My parents are NOT going to called by their first names by their grandkids. As of right now she has been told to call them by their first names but she is not comfortable with that. She doesn't know what she is comfortable with. So thats why Im trying to figure this all out. I will not have her call my parents anything without it being ok with my bf and his daughters bio mom. I would not want to go behind her back at all. I mean she is not my daughter and Im not trying to take her moms place nor am I trying to push her other grandparents out. I think you all understand that. And my mom won't be called Nana that is what her mom was called(she passed away and she feels that she can't do that) my dads mom was called Mimi so again she won't take that name. So Im just in a rock and a hard place I guess![/b]
I want to applaud you for respecting the bio-mom's feelings. A lot of people out there (including in my situation) would say "well, I'm marrying them, so I'm doing this, deal w/ it" attitude. In the end... certain toes get stepped on. Again, not saying that you should have the child call your mother by her first name but on the other end, you "could say" something like "G-ma" or "Mimi" or "Granny ______" insert mother's name there. This way, you aren't totally taking up the name. Sure, you are sure that you are marrying your BF, but UNTIL... you are married, you aren't. KWIM? And even at that point, you aren't 100% tied to this child for ever. Hypothetically speaking (this is horrible to think this way but I have to throw it out). If something happened to your relationship/marriage or SO, this child wouldn't have any ties to your mother. Therefore, this "grandmother" wouldn't be grandma anymore, chances are... that would confuse the child more. Again, the likely-hood of this happening is slim to none, but it's still a "chance". Something you have to consider for the sake of the child's well being.
If you want to give your mother a special name, I think you need to have this disucssing w/ your SO "or" the child's BM, period, and prior to this ever happening. It's just sometihng that if you don't do, you could potentially cause some serious hurt feelings, drama & God knows what else when a simple heart to heart conversation would eliminate all of the above.
Again, just speaking from personal experience & I hope it helps. The fact that you are thinking about this & are concerned shows that you care & you are concerned. That's a positive thing and you want that to come across in your conversation, sympathy & empathy goes a long way. Making statements like "we're going to be together and I won't have my kids or any one be treated differently" response wont get you far, even if it's how you truly feel. Going in w/ a positive feel will get you further.
It sounds like you are really stressed about this. I would first try to talk to the bio-mom and see if she has any objections to other names. Then maybe your mom and DSD can sit down together with cookies and let the two of them work it out knowing what the objections are. It might be something fun and bonding between them two.
Thank you ~* Helen *~ for the best all about me siggie! You are absolutely fabulous!