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Should I write the email.. an introduction w/ a question.


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  #1  
June 28th, 2009, 09:18 PM
teacherinlove's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Hello, I have lurked in this forum for a while now. I thought I would introduce myself.

I have a 4 year old boy and am in a relationship with a man who has a 3 1/2 year old boy.

He has gone to Alaska for a month to commerical fish and his son is with the mother during this time. Since i am a teacher, I get summers off. He asked the mother if my son and I could spend a few days a week with his son when he would normally be in daycare. she agreed. However, the day before he was to leave when we dropped off his son, she went back on her words and said she would definitely call me regarding us visiting him.

I do not understand why she is not willing to allow my son and I to take his son for the day 2x's a week. He would normally be in daycare anyways.

While at the airport, he told me to email her explaining why I wanted to see his son and what we would be doing. My question, should I just let it go and not email, because she is obviously being very insecure and jealous about all this? There have been previous things that she has said about me, so maybe she is just fueling the fire here.. Should I email her?
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  #2  
June 29th, 2009, 12:57 PM
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I would leave the email issue up to him. A lot of this depends on how long you guys have been together and how serious you are also. Are you just dating, living together, or on the verge of marriage? To me, it would be up to him to make arrangements with the ex. I would not want to be in the position of trying to arrange visitation like that. She may still have issues over their relationship and may feel threated by your involvement. If you aren't married or living together, I don't know if I would even be involved at this point in getting him for visitation.
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  #3  
June 29th, 2009, 01:34 PM
teacherinlove's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Thanks.
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  #4  
June 29th, 2009, 05:02 PM
MommyLovesLauren's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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You obviously have very good intentions, she probably is somewhat insecure about you being around. I wouldn't push it on her, if she's said some ugly things to you it might not be so good to have that happen without your SO to defend you, KWIM? It's too bad because it would be awesome to have your children building a relationship but you will have plenty of time for that in the future I'm sure. Hope that helped! It's up to you to decide what to do though as you know the whole situation best, good luck!
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  #5  
June 30th, 2009, 05:02 AM
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i have found alot of time people just don't think & get offended for some reason or another.....

I do have to agree first of all you to are not married.... Second of all you truly are concerderd a mommy threat... All mommie's are afraid the child is gonna like you & start calling you mommie.... That was the first thing out of my hubby's ex's mouth,,, She DID NOT want there daughter to call me Mom NOT EVEN step mom....

She is all go tho about me watching her...( b/c that means she don't have to )

People who are like me ,,,, I have to KNOW the person BEFORE they can watch my kid/go over to there house w/o me ETC.....Sometimes this makes me a HORRIBLE HORRIBLE mother ( yes i'm being sarcastic ) sometimes i do feel bad b/c these parents don't want to get to know me ,, we all have buzy lives & it's hard to get together with people... So my daughter 15 has yet to have/go to a slubber party b/c i won't let her go over to strangers houses.....
I have seen these kids & they look well cared for 1 particular just had a "grad party" She just graduated from 8th grade.. Had a little get together at there house... This girl's father has been getting My daughter home from dance's all yr ( a 4 minute drive from the school to our place ) & i meet then for 2 minutes after the grad ceramony... NO i'm not letting her spend the night...

My hubby get's on my case about this BIG TIME... But that's my rules.

Some people JUST DON"T CARE & pawn the kids off to anyone who shows interest.....

Anyway Give it time.. once she see's he is well taken care of down the line maybe she will let you take them...You never mentioned how long you've been together with your BF

Sorry this is long
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  #6  
June 30th, 2009, 07:41 AM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
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Welcome to BF's, I am Chantelle, one of the co-hosts here on BF's. I am both a step & bio-mother, I have an 11 yr' old DSS from DH's previous marriage, I have an 8.5 year old DS from my previous relationship. DH & I had 2 more boys, a 3 yr' old & an an almost 19 mos. old. I have it on all levels...

First question I have for you, how long have you been in this relationship w/ this man? That right there would speak volumes to me, if it's a newer relationship, I could see why she wouldn't want that visit to happen but you didn't state how long you have been together w/ your SO.

From the info you've given me, the bio-mom is uncomfortable w/ the whole visit w/ her ex's new gal pal (SO), and that she's not comfy. She's feeling threatened, unsure & probably after much thought & discussions (w/ friends, a therapist, family, whomever she talked too), she decided that you are not her family, she owes you & your DS nothing & doesn't want to allow her DS to be alone w/ you...yet.

IMHO, I wouldn't take this personally at all, this has nothing to do w/ you as a person or a mother, this has to do w/ her insecurities & her trust.

With that being said. I would let this go, 100% allow your SO & her to talk, if she wants to even talk about it. She doesn't owe you a visit w/ her DS, she doesn't owe you guys anything...really...unless you said you were in this relationship for years on end, even at that, it's a tough place to put her in, you guys aren't married, she knows this, so legally, there are no real obligations for her to allow her DS to be w/ you in any way w/ our her ex present.

It took me YEARS to feel comfy about my DS to go to my ex's home w/ his wife w/ out him being there, and they're married. To this day, sometimes I have to remind myself that my DS wants to go & sometimes I do say "no" depending on the situation & circumstances, 99% of the time I do allow my DS' step-mother to take my DS, but again, this took YEARS. My DH's ex does NOT allow me to have DSS (her DS), she doesn't even want her DS at our home if my DH is working or has to leave the house "and" if my DH has to leave the house to do anything (run to the store, something simple & quick) she doesn't want her DS alone w/ me. Which I don't get but that's her requests & in legal terms, she doesn't have to be okay w/ me being alone w/ her DS, even though it would be NICE for her to do. My DH has to respect her wishes & he does.

I know this is hard, but you did the right thing in not emailing her & getting involved. I would give her time & reassurance. That's what she needs. It could takes months, years, I don't know, but until she feels okay, you can't truly be mad at her, and remember, this has NOTHING to do w/ you as a mother, person or trustworthy adult. It's about her, her insecurities, remind yourself of that when you think it's about you, even if she does tell you it's YOU, it's not, trust me on this one.

Hang in there, KUP, and HUGS....you sound like a really great person w/ a lot of heart. Don't give up, time will eventually give her the security she so needs to allow you into her DS' life w/ our her ex in the same room.

HIH
~C
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  #7  
July 2nd, 2009, 11:42 PM
teacherinlove's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Thankyou for all your replies. I read themalland they gave me more imput and things to think about.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 8 months. His son and ine go to the same daycare, so, I knew his ex and him before dating.

She did end up calling me and I have spent time with their son on Tuesday and Wednesday, like we had discussed before. His ex is very, how shall I say, two face. Her actions speak insecurity and jealousy. I guess I can understand her actions, but with her having a fiance' I question why is she still insecure about me? If she has love somewhere else, why be so defensive towards me. Looking into the picture from the outside, I am threatening her as a mother.

I am still trying tofind what would be my place in a blended family. The concept is foriegn to me. I was raised in a 2 parent home and this was all I witnessed around me. Now, I am in a relationship with a man who comes from a blended family background.

Ok, I guess I am rambling now. Thank you for reading and commenting.
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  #8  
July 3rd, 2009, 08:00 AM
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i'm not going to lie to you,,, somedays it's hard other days it's easy...

Having to keep my mouth shut on somethings is very hard!!!... with me being "hard nosed" on somethings,,, where my hubby is more relaxed... you know...

Then it's dealing with the ex's & stuff

I honestly think it's easier being in a blended family where the other parent is absent... like my daughter's "sperm donor" lives out of state so we don't have to deal with him...& his ex is not even a peice of work & want her to leave state

GL i hope everything goes well.. KUP .. and more important we are here for you when you need to talk
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  #9  
July 3rd, 2009, 08:26 PM
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As secure about my children's love for me as I am, there are times when I feel a twinge of jealousy about the time that my kids spend with their dads GF. She is a much different kind of person than I am and they have a different kind of relationship. Plus she doesn't have 7 kids to worry about--only 2--so she can afford to do things that I cannot. Don't get me wrong, those moments of jealousy last a heartbeat and are gone because I am glad that she has a good relationship with my kids and that they get to experience things that they might not otherwise get to experience. I hear horror stories about step mothers--which I am one of those too so don't bash me--being cruel and hurtful to the kids. Since it looks like this relationship may be permanent for my ex, I sincerely hope that the kids really love her and she them. I know that she will NEVER take my place in their hearts but every once in a while...KWIM? I think that might have been what your SO's ex was feeling--that moment of "Wait a minute this is MY child and I need to feel like I have some say in this matter!" Speaking from my own experience with one of my ex's previous GFs, I will tell you that it is close to panic when you see someone taking the control that is normally reserved for you, away. Until now, she has had the final say in who her child spends time with other than dad. Now dad is saying Oh, btw my GF is going to spend time with our child so (basically) deal with it! I'd be threatened too. I might even stomp my little feet and have a temper tantrum and say things I regret later, just basically showing you that I AM the mom and I DO STILL have a say in who my kid spends time with. Nothing against you, per se. Just flexing her muscles and letting you know I was here first so you don't get any ideas. I think it's normal and natural--some of us hide it more than others...some of us get past it quicker than others and some of us just never let it go...at all...ever! LOL Be glad that yours seems to have gotten past it rather quickly and hopefully you two will go on to have a great relationship and help each other out with the kids and all that. Most likely, you will have bumps along the way like any other relationship but unless she's feeling threatened again, she won't fluff up her feathers in front of you again. You can do a lot to prevent her getting bent out of shape over things by asking her permission, ideas, thoughts, etc before making decisions regarding her son. That's not something you HAVE to do, but it would go a long way in making her feel at ease with you. Always consider her feelings and whenever possible, get her input. You don't have to go along with everything she says but let's face it, she knows the boy better than ANY of you! She spends every day with him and even daddy doesn't do that. You're new to the "family" so you can't know him like she does either. Make her your ally and you will have a MUCH easier time of it than you will if she sees you as "his new gf". I hope that helps.
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  #10  
July 5th, 2009, 11:16 PM
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i'm glad you were able to finally come to an agreement. but just my two cents. if my hubby and i got divorced and he left the state and wanted me to send my child somewhere with some girlfriend of his, i wouldn't just be like "oh yeah, sure!" you know, this is my KID we're talking about here.

if you're married (or in a very long term committed relationship) it's one thing....but i wouldn't just let my child go off with some stranger, even IF our kids went to daycare together and i had chatted briefly in the carpool line or something!

no offense, just my personal opinion. put yourself in her shoes, and think about what you'd do if it was YOUR kid....that might help a bit.
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  #11  
July 6th, 2009, 09:55 AM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
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I know you think this mother shouldn't be insecure b/c she has a fiancee etc., but inside, having another mother/gal be a motherly figure scares her, it could for years. It's her child, she's afraid of the child loving you more, even though that's not possible, she afraid that the child will want YOU as a mother, not her.

She's not two faced, she's confused & scared. I've BTDT, she's being a tad immature, but 8 mos. isn't that long of a time.... I think back in my situation & I remember that my ex was engaged & after he married, I was STILL not okay w/ my DS going w/ his now step-mother. It took a long time for me to get over that insecurity. Some people NEVER get over that insecurity, some people need reassurance, or time. There is not much you can say or do to make her hurry up to feel secure, but it's her deal, again, not yours.

The best thing to do is allow her to come to you & be nice about it. Don't ever look like you're taking over, don't tell her what your opinion is on the child (medical, school etc.) just leave it simple & basic. You can have an opinion, but unless she goes to you & asks you "what do you think_____?" then I would NEVER, EVER go there, that will push her away more. Trust me. I've BTDT for me personally & I've seen my DH's ex-wife in the same light too.

She could be married, have a maid/nanny, life of luxury, you name it, that wouldn't change her feelings about her child & her insecurities about her child being w/ another parent/mother... it's how she feels, status, money & marital status means nothing in this.

It's not you, it's her.
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  #12  
July 7th, 2009, 11:47 AM
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I guess I don't understand the insecurity comments. Perhaps because I've worked my children's whole lives & had them taken care of by daycare workers. No matter that they spend more waking hours in daycare.... I'm their mommy. No one will love them like I do & they won't love anyone else like they love me. The more people that love them the better. It adds to them - it doesn't take away from me.

That being said... there's no way in h3ll that I would let my DD & DS go off with my ex's girlfriend of 8 month - no matter how wonderful she may be. Unless he was dating my sister or a long time family friend that is.

It isn't about being immature (I'm 43) or insecurity. The basic fact is that you have no ties or rights to these children at this time. I don't even have those rights to my SDs & DH and I have been married for 3 years. I can't imagine them coming to visit when he wasn't going to be here....

Just my thoughts.
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  #13  
July 7th, 2009, 11:53 AM
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double post
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  #14  
July 7th, 2009, 02:16 PM
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My2miracles I also didn't "get" the insecurity comments...sure some people may think that way i guess, but for me, it's just about not letting my kids go off with strangers.

But what you said about your stepdaughters, maybe i am misunderstanding...do you not have a close relationship with them? how often do they visit you? i have been married to my dh about the same amount of time and i certainly take my sd places without dh and all 4 of us parents try to view each other as equals....IMO only the bio mom and bio dad are the "parents" but sd doesn't really remember BEFORE her stepdad and i were in the picture so this is what she is used to, having two moms and two dads.
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  #15  
July 7th, 2009, 10:21 PM
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NO you shouldn't. And it is not right of him to ask it of you to do something like that. Also it is her right NOT to want her child left with you (if i understood correctly and you'll be alone with him). The dad must be present. It is only after 3 years that the bio mom of my step-daughter is willing to drop of her child in my house when DH is not there....and i give a lot of credit for that. I don't see it as her being jealous. I wouldn't do it either. I don't know you. Why would i leave my bio-child with you. Don't write any emails to her and tell your man to deal with it, and not put you in the middle of it all
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  #16  
July 8th, 2009, 12:47 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eli's momma View Post
My2miracles I also didn't "get" the insecurity comments...sure some people may think that way i guess, but for me, it's just about not letting my kids go off with strangers.

But what you said about your stepdaughters, maybe i am misunderstanding...do you not have a close relationship with them? how often do they visit you? i have been married to my dh about the same amount of time and i certainly take my sd places without dh and all 4 of us parents try to view each other as equals....IMO only the bio mom and bio dad are the "parents" but sd doesn't really remember BEFORE her stepdad and i were in the picture so this is what she is used to, having two moms and two dads.


They live in another state - so no we aren't close and we don't see them often. So there would be no point for them to visit if DH wasn't here. He gets to see so little of them.

My point was more that I wouldn't expect their mother to let them stay with me when DH wasn't here. Not that we couldn't do it but I wouldn't call her & demand it KWIM? I am not a party to their parenting agreement. I have no legal right.
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Last edited by My2miracles; July 8th, 2009 at 12:50 AM.
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  #17  
July 8th, 2009, 02:01 PM
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Ok Kris, I see, that makes sense in your situation!
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  #18  
July 9th, 2009, 04:10 PM
teacherinlove's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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When I say she is two face, I mean she is extremely hateful in regards to me. Since I am a single mom she has made horrible assumptions about me and my son. However, when we talk, she is a sweet and caring person.

We had talked about this arrangement a month, maybe a month and a half before he left for Alaska. He then called her to discuss it about a week before he left, and she was fine with it. Then the day before he leaves, changes her mind in a rather rude way and tells him how it is going to be. She did eventually call me and my son and I have been seeing their son every Tuesday and Wednesday.

She has the actions of a person who expects her ex to be on the back burner while she goes off and decides what she wants out of life.

As far as bing a stranger in her eyes, I have watched their son alone [with my son] more times that I can count when he was in her custody. I have picked him up from daycare and taken him to the doctor alone. so, for the thought of me being a stranger is hard for me to understand.

I have never understood her motives or the reasons she acts the way she does. Its quite confusing. Insecurity manifests in many ways and it is something very hard to overcome.

Thank you for all the responses. I thinkfor the future, I am not going to offer to see their son while he is away. It just causes more grief than it is worth. It was a nice gesture for their son and mine to play together that was taken out of context and then turned into something stressful. This scenario has made me take a step back.
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  #19  
July 9th, 2009, 07:31 PM
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Boy I can understand that situation. DH's ex so wanted him to be waiting in the wings so to speak for her. She was so mad when he met me & we got married & had a son. She even went so far as to tell their kids that DH had an affair with me. When in truth, she had multiple affairs during their marriage.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. It certainly doesn't make things easy.
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