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I have written a few times about the nightmare which is my dh's ex. That is not what I'm here to talk about today.
My ex and I have had a somewhat good relationship. We lived near each other, by choice, and the kids would walk over to see him whenever they wanted. He would take them EO weekend and on the off weeks Wednesday/Thursday nights. I couldn't have asked for a better situation and in return I only asked for not even 1/4 of the child support. (he gave me $100/mth, sometimes and sometimes he gave me nothing but for the sake of his relationship with the kids I never ever said anything about money, if he handed it to me I said thanks and used it to buy extras for the kids).
Well, during the past 4 years he has had an on again-off again relationship with a woman. I've only met her once and she actually seemed nice. My ex has said some very nasty things about her but he does lie and the kids have said she's always nice to them. They have a 3 yr old daughter together. In April they bought a house together, it's about 45 minutes from here. I mentioned that I didn't think it was good to drag the kids there on school nights any longer as they would need to get up at 5:00 in the mornings. So I thought everything was fine but then the first weekend he took them friday night and brought them back saturday (he also brought all their things that they had there, clothing,toys,etc...) then every weekend after that was the same. He's actually leaving them with a sitter on Saturdays and then feeding them supper and bringing them home! He just called me yesterday and said "I'm not taking the kids this weekend, I won't be here." I was polite and said " what about the nest weekend you're to have them will you be seeing them then?" The only reason I asked was so that I could figure out how to tell the kids that their dad doesn't want to see them for at least a month! Oh I should mention that he's a school bus driver so he's not even working all summer but yet can't take the kids! We do have court coming up to change the custody papers and he has been paying me full support. How can someone want nothing to do with their kids that they loved so much? I can't even sleep I'm so upset by this. So, as the BM of course I'm wondering if his woman has anything to do with this. As far as I know nothing else has changed.
Last edited by dawn72; July 22nd, 2009 at 06:35 PM.
This is a very difficult thing to deal with. Im the stepmom, but our situation is different, we want her whenever we can! My husband did not have a court mandated visitation situation when we met and he hadnt seen his daughter in over a year as his ex pretty much cut off all communication. We have a court mandated visitation schedule but we all work together now if something wont work.
Like Tami said above, you cant MAKE him see his kids. It is so sad as the children will eventually end up getting hurt. Continue to feel things out and perhaps let him know that you need at least 24 hours notice if he cannot take them for their usual visitation.
This does seem very strange though, that he would suddenly do something like this. KUP
Thanks for your comments. I'm not sure what is going on, my DS said that his dad and gf argue alot so maybe he just doesn't want them to see that. I don't know. I'm hoping to catch him on the phone when she's at work tomorrow. I think I should at least tell him that the kids were sad he wasn't going to pick them up on friday. I'm pretty sure he must still love them but I can't figure out why he wouldn't at least take them for a day through the week. (He gets the whole summer off.)
Wow... sad to read. I'm sorry to hear that your ex is pulling away, not a good sign. Do you think something else could be going on & it's not this girl? I only ask b/c if he's struggling w/ something else, maybe personally, doesn't want to expose his kids to that, maybe he's doing it out of love? One would hope. If he's just pulling away, then...that's his horrible choice. He will have to deal w/ the consequences of his actions NOW later on in his life. He will have to explain the lack of being in his child's life, not you. Will it be hard for you to explain? Sure... but you can always go to counseling, family, and have them help you articulate a good way to explain this to them. Maybe for now, telling them that he has to work & is really busy but loves them. I know it's an excuse, and you probably wonder "why" you should give him that benefit, but it's to comfort your kids' questions w/ basic answers.
If you are going back to court, bring this up. Document EVERYTHING, all his times of phone calls, the times he's not taking the kids anymore...all of the above. You'll need it.
KUP, so sorry that you are dealing w/ this. But remember, it's not you, it's him, and you can't force a relationship w/ anyone, if he doesn't want to be there, that's his POOR choice, not yours. You don't want a child at a home that clearly is unwelcoming, right?
Today we were going to the grocery store and my DS said "that's where daddy gets his groceries". Well, my DD (5) started to cry and said "I miss my daddy". If I could have punched him in the face right then I would have. I told her that it's sad but I can't make him come pick her up and that he will be sorry he missed spending time with his precious girl when she gets bigger. I tell the kids that they can call him anytime, they know the number, I also have never said anything bad about him and continue to defend him even though my DS (9) seems to be picking up on the fact that his dad's wacked, it's getting harder to defend his craziness and eventually I'll have to stop and just be honest with the kids. My DD didn't want to call him and I didn't want to push it so I called him from another room and said "that's really nice that you made DD cry, she misses you and you don't even care". He said he'd call her but I wouldn't hold my breath waiting.
We went threw the same thing,, ( my daugther & i ) and is now going threw the same thing ( my hubby & his daughter.....
I understand the children misses him.... BUT it hurts the children more the 1 or 2 phone calls out of the yr... or the 1 x visit a month.... It gets them all excited the down again...
Before my daughters sperm donor left state... she broke her arm & i contacted him.. ( i was at work at the time ) he said he'd call later about 5... NEVER DID... That was the last straw,,, wasn't going to keep getting her hopes up JUST to have them shatter them...
She would cry worse over the 1 time a month visit's for 5 minutes... then she did after a couple weeks of not seeing him....
I don't know if i'm explaining this right or not.... idk i just that over time she stopped asking about him & we were able to move on,,, instead of being in the visious cycle of him hurting her all the time.. the empty promises... bla bla....
My hubby's ex is now doing the same thing to his daughter & it's RUFF!!!!
Well, he showed up. I was just parking the van and he came over to talk to me. I did tell him that I was very angery with him for letting the kids down and that he'd better smarten up or he will regret it later. He said he knew that what he was doing was wrong and that he's moving out of his gf's house on friday. She told him last night that if he went to court today they were through. According to him she wanted him to pay the full support and then just not see the kids. She thought this was doing his part in raising the kids. The woman at the courthouse looked like she was going to fall off her chair as she listened to him. She said he was to pay me $413/month, she cannot make him visit with the kids but she did tell him that they need a dad as well as a mom. I asked for joint custody to remain, for $150/month and for him to take the kids every other weekend and then the Wesdnesday/ Thursdays of the opposite weeks. I also added that they are not to be near this woman at all. She is always yelling and cursing at their dad and it's just a bad environment. He agreed to everything I said. Now we'll just have to wait and see if he follows through. I do believe him that's he's leaving, he looked like he'd be awake all night arguing with her.
He is weak though so it's just a matter of time before some other girl comes along and tries to convince him not to see the kids again, then we'll be headed back in court. But for now all is well !