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First Post Here: In his best interest? (xposted)


Forum: Blended Families

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  #21  
July 24th, 2009, 02:13 PM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
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I remember that debate Kris... which I still don't get why you got that heat. That was a hard one.

I don't think it's taboo to not love your step-child (your own flesh & blood, perhaps), but the whole "I love them so much, like my own" when you've been introduced to them, not only not at birth, but...later on in their lives, is a hunk of crap. I think it's a big mistake that people who "aren't" in a blended family have, b/c they think that every mother, or mother to be, automatically love every child w/ those motherly instincts.
You have no bond w/ that child, and if you are lucky, can have a amicable relationship w/ no competition. The reality in life is that we usually meet these children (step-children) far into their childhood, they have their own idea of agendas & then they are bitter & jealous that their bio-parent has found another person, other than their custodial parent, to cohabitation or marry (common). There is no immediate bond, it's like growing & nurturing a relationship w/ another man "or" woman... Love doesn't start right away, you build on it, and it's based on attraction & things in common. When you deal w/ kids, that isn't the case, you aren't attracted to the child, you don't have much in common (if at all) and they (the step-kids) are angry & jealous. Now you have to somehow be "expected" to love & admire these kids that are not your own. It's a hard thing for ANYONE to have to do. It takes time & when the child (step-child) is constantly lying, manipulating, being rude & mean...it's VERY hard to fall in love w/ them. So we all get that, and it's not taboo, I think it's the expectations that people have & until you've walked a mile in a person's shoes, you can't speak on their behalf.

Want to talk about a messed up Brady Bunch? My DS, my almost 9 year old, is one of 6 kids and by 3 different mothers. Let me explain. My DS, I had him w/ my ex, who married my DS' now step-mother, who just had twins (boy & girl) about 4 months ago, then I married my DH, who had a child from a previous marriage, then together, DH & I had 2 more children, both boys. I could go on & mix this in, my DH's parents are divorced & one re-married, so my DH has a step-mother, and then his mother (my MIL) is engaged (for the past 14+ years now) to this man who has a split situation as well. So I have it blended on that end, my kid are blended, my mother married a man who is my step-father... the list well... I could run on for ever. Talk about your Jerry Springer situation.
This is just the surface of the "blended family" that I am in, if I went into further details you'd probably have to pick your mouth off the floor.

I've seen it all, I've watched things unfold that were so out there I can't even describe, I've had to endure situations that normal people should NEVER have to go through, as a child myself, again, being in a blended family. Yes... I have BTDT...but for those of you ladies on this board that know me, you pretty much know all these details & some more so than others. My BTDT is not "crap"...it's my life thank you very much.
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  #22  
July 24th, 2009, 09:23 PM
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Here's how I explained it to my DH:

When he looks at his dd & sees her acting up, he remembers the sweet little 5 year old that used to call him daddy. He remembers all the cute things she said & did. He remembers how much she loved him & how much he loved her.

I don't have that with ds. I met an angry preteen who turned into an angry young woman. I have no fond memories to fall back on.

When my dd turns 14 & goes through things like all 14 year olds. I'll remember all the adorable things she did & said and how close we once were. That will get me through those horrible teen years. I'll be able to last until she sees I'm not horrible and loves me again
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  #23  
July 24th, 2009, 10:53 PM
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I guess the only thing to hold out for is one day all the step children in the world that made the step parents lives hell will realize it. I know I did.

I was an adult with 2 children when my dad married my step mom. I was mean and I admit that I didnt like her. He is MY DADDY and you can not have him. I told her that I wished that she would "bleed to death" (she was having a lot of female issues at the time). I was hateful and rude and snotty and I did not care because he was MY DADDY and I didn't care that I was an adult with my own family. I am sure that she was questioning what she got herself into because my dad did nothing. He didn't take sides so to both of us it made us think that he was picking the "other" person. I am not sure what happened but now my step mom is one of my good friends. I enjoy spending time with her and talking to her and doing things. My dad still will not take sides on anything and maybe that is what really did it. He was staying out of it. For 22 years it was me and my dad. We knew that it would be an adjustment and it did take time. Things have only changed in the last 4 years.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that I was a bratty 22 year old who made her step moms life hell and things turned out so don't give up on them. Maybe one day the step children will realize how their behavior has affected your lives and make a change for the better.
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  #24  
July 25th, 2009, 03:03 PM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by My2miracles View Post
Here's how I explained it to my DH:

When he looks at his dd & sees her acting up, he remembers the sweet little 5 year old that used to call him daddy. He remembers all the cute things she said & did. He remembers how much she loved him & how much he loved her.

I don't have that with ds. I met an angry preteen who turned into an angry young woman. I have no fond memories to fall back on.

When my dd turns 14 & goes through things like all 14 year olds. I'll remember all the adorable things she did & said and how close we once were. That will get me through those horrible teen years. I'll be able to last until she sees I'm not horrible and loves me again
Kris, this is so true... when my almost 9 year old "talk-back" to me, I'll go & look at his pictures when he was little, a baby, a toddler...and then I remember how innocent he was & still is (for the most part)... like you said, there are fond memories, pictures, thoughts, the whole kitten-caboodle. When you meet someone who is instantly wanting to rebel, you are like "uhm..hello?" not only do you not have the memories to fall back on, but you are now being forced to enjoy a nasty attitude? No thanks. It's not that easy. I know it's hard for our DH's (or SO's) to truly understand, but it's their children, biologically speaking. No matter "what" they do, there is an unconditional love there, at least in most cases (not all b/c my bio-dad doesn't fall into that category). Even w/ babies & toddlers, those sleepless nights, the temper tantrums, the drawing on the walls, breaking of your nick-nacks, etc., you are angry...but eventually, the anger is let go b/c those babies/toddlers/children, they look at you & you melt... you can't help but feel the love, b/c they are YOURS & you have been in their lives since day one. When you meet someone who is not YOURS since day one, has a piss-poor attitude, how on earth can you have that unconditional love for them? To me, I end up viewing these step-kids as the cousin you don't see often but when you do, you aren't that thrilled about it b/c they bug you. In our cases (others cases), the step-parent ends up getting heat from the other bio-parent b/c we aren't as compassionate w/ their bio-kids as they are.

I know speaking as an insider looking in...I've watched my 3 year old (when he met my DH), rebel against his step-brother "and" step-father... so even at a small age of 3, they are already pretty set in their ways. It was a difficult spot for my DH to be in, he wasn't sure where he fit in when it came to disciplining, he didn't want to overstep boundaries & respect his bio-dad (my ex)...the list goes on. He loves my DS, I know he does, but I know from my heart that he doesn't love my DS as much as he loves his bio-kids, and I don't fault him for that. I wish he did, but I can't expect that feeling when it's not there. Also, I can understand, b/c I do not have those feelings of "love" and "warm-fuzzy all over" when I see my DSS too. It's not that I hate my DSS, it's just been a long journey. It's getting better, it is, but it's been a SLOW process & it takes a lot of tears, and patience to handle that stuff. On the flip, some people end up having a separate life w/ their bio-kids from their first marriage (previous relationship) b/c the children are so disruptive to the new family, that it's no longer healthy. I've seen that & experienced that too.

I don't know where I was going w/ all of that explanation, but I guess the way you explained how your DH (Kris) looks at his daughter, even when she acts up, he can recall those sweet smiles & memories, and you don't have those to reflect on. Make's sense. I get that, great explanation too by the way.

From a step-child's perspective, it was explained to me like this:

A therapist said to me once (and in books)... "how would you feel if your DH came home w/ a new gal & said that I'd have to share my DH w/ this new gal, would I be okay w/ that?" HECK NO! Apparently, these step-children, feel that same anger & jealousy w/ the new step-parent involved, they feel that they are jealous & angry, they don't want to share their bio-parent w/ ANYONE new, and to see that happening, just tears them up inside. The problem w/ that is the children do not have the vocabulary to articulate this to their bio-parent & as a result, end up w/ a child who is manipulative and angry...OR...you can get the other, a bio-child that acts like everything is PERFECT b/c they want to please but are a volcano awaiting to errupt. That also make's so much sense to me.

On that note....gotta get my kids their dinner. Hope everyone is having a good weekend thus far.

~C
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