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First Post Here: In his best interest? (xposted)


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  #1  
July 19th, 2009, 02:00 PM
TeresaMomTo2Boys's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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So I get a phone call from DH a while ago. Said 14 yr old SS (Step son) called him, left a voice mail saying he wants to stay in Kansas with his mom, SD (step dad) and lil sis (same age as Aidan). Well, DH is a bit hurt and he calls me. Of course, with all the issues we had in the past with SS and his school issues and not listening and not helping, etc my heart jumped out of my chest and I wanted to scream YES HOORAY PARTY!!! Okay, a bit mean, I know but if you went through the same things I went through in the last 2 years, you would think the same thing,
BUT...instead of sending out BON VOYAGE party invites, I simply stated, "You have to think of what is best for him."
A while back we took SS to the psychologist to get mentally evaluated an he told her that his SD (step dad) beat him up (which DID NOT happen by the way).
Well this summer he went to Kansas to visit his mom and there him and his SD have been golfing (which SS LOVES to do and DH doesn't), camping, and hanging out more. He told his SD that he wanted to stay there.
Well another point DH brought up is that we moved so we can put SS and Aidan in a lot safer and better schools and also so we have more room for the family. If SS doesn't come back to live with us then it is almost like we moved for no reason BUT we still have Aidan and he NEEDS the safer neighborhood and "play dates".
On the other hand, it will cause LESS issues with DH and I because DH works nights so he sleeps during the day and works nights so I am dealing with 2 kids...one that hates me (no joke...he calls me a *****) and one that is going through the terrible 2's and sometimes I feel he hates me LOL. So....DH and I will only have one child to deal with and less issues as it caused A LOT of stress since DH was "working and sleeping" all the time, I was the main disciplinarian and stressed more so I was always yelling at DH to do his "dirty" work with his own child since SS was not mine.
So....you think I am being mean when I say I dont want SS to come back or you think I have very good reasons and it is for SS best interest to stay with his mom?
Also, it is funny because we were threatening to move him back with his mom for months and SS kept saying "no I dont want to go back" and now we get this "I want to stay with my mom' phone call.
Also his mother is going to be kind and not make us pay child support which is good because we have had SS for 2 years and haven't made her pay ANY child support.
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  #2  
July 19th, 2009, 11:40 PM
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Well...if you reall want to do what's in his best interest, sit down and write a list of pro's and con's....sit down with DH and think it through. why doesn't his mother have custody of him in the first place? is there a reason he was living with his dad instead of his mom? were there problems before?

i totally get you on the night shift thing. DH works nights so i feel like the only parent...he sleeps all day, works all night, and wants the weekends free to play around on xbox and goof off with his friends. i tell him that he should change diapers and stuff on weekends and he tells me he doesn't feel like it, that's MY job b/c i'm a SAHM. grrr. anyway, sorry for hijacking! but if i were you, i'd be thinking it'd be a lot easier to only have one than two of them also, ESP if your ss disrespects you and calls you names. that is something i just could NOT tolerate!

Good luck with whatever decision you guys make and I hope it turns out to be the right one!
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  #3  
July 20th, 2009, 07:52 AM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
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Welcome to BF's, I am Chantelle, one of the co-hosts here. I am both a bio & a step-mother, I have a child from a previous relationship, my DH has a child from a previous marriage, together, DH & I had 2 more children. I receive CS & my DH pays CS. I've watched my DH get taken to court & I've had to bring my ex to court. I've seen it all really....

When you married your DH, you married his child from his previous life. Even though it would be difficult to handle his bio-child, why on earth wouldn't you want them in your life too? Is it harder to raise someone else child? Perhaps...but you could look at this as a good thing too, an opportunity to get the child on the same page as the rest of your family.
I can relate to this b/c when I met my DH, he had a child from his previous marriage. I wasn't the biggest fan of my DSS, it's hard to love someone who is always defiant & rude. It wasn't an easy transition, but it's been going well & as time goes on, it gets easier. He's grown-up a lot & we seem to be on a better page when we're all together.When my DH (then SO) met me, I too, had a child from a previous relationship, so he was w/ my DS all the time since my DS live(s) w/ me. My DS has a decent relationship w/ my DH, but not the one that I had imagined they'd have. I think they are more friends than anything & my DH tries but he is blind to the reality on some issues.

As far as bio-mom not asking for arrears in child-support, you are lucky, or I should say, your DH is lucky. Most bio-moms wouldn't be so nice. Be careful & make sure all CS is paid for moving forward, you can get into major issues w/ that. I went through this CS issue w/ my ex, and I personally waived all back in arrears b/c I personally felt like I wanted to move forward, and not look at the past. Sometimes I regret that kind move when we get into heated discussions about things, but it is what it is. I also watched my DH get taken to court for his CS to be increased, while I had just given birth to our first DS (now 3)... it sucked & I was furious. This woman got her CS weekly, always on-time, never late & on DH's behalf, it was garnished from his wages b/c the courts ordered it to be, my DH chose to take the CS & deposit it into her account w/ every pay check. He paid all uninsured medical expenses & even DOG SUPPORT...yes...DOG support (, I know)... this woman had it all & then some, he had his DS 6 out of the 7 days per week & yet she wasn't satisfied & took my DH to court, the amount was increased based on the guidelines & it was what it was, but b/c we don't pay her after the fact (auto deduction) we don't miss it either. It's easier that way. IMHO. So I've experienced an ex who ducked me in CS for a while, and I was kind enough to waive the arrears & move forward, and I also watched my DH get taken to court for the most stupidest reasons (she was jealous that he was married & we had a house & another child)... so I've seen it all in CS. I've also seen my bio-dad NEVER give me a dime for CS since MY birth, which to me, he is dead to me, I've never met him & to not be accountable for a child that you/he helped create, is a dead-beat, sorry. If you make a child, you pay CS, if you don't pay it & have excuses for it, it's just that, excuses & lame... anyone that doesn't pay for their child, is a dead-beat, period. To "get away" w/ not having to pay what was owed... wow...and to look into a mirror & be happy w/ yourself afterwards, a sensitivity chip is missing big time. How horrible it is for 1 parent, the custodial one, to do it all, including financial while the other absent parent just squeeze by in life w/ no accountability. Sad. Sorry that I am blunt that way, but I have to be, take's 2 to make a baby, so both should be accountable on all avenues for that child(ren).

There was a time in my life that I wasn't my DSS' biggest fan, time has evolved & he's a pleasure to be around. I think it's what you make of it. The whole "dirty work" comment, sort of claims that your step-child is "dirty work"... how so? I mean, as it is, you are raising your bio-kids w/ your DH sleeping all the time now, you could also consider your time w/ your own-bio-kids also "dirty work"... I think as mothers, we can all relate to having to be the nurse, teacher, mother, cleaning lady, chef, taxi driver, all of the above, and men, they will work hard outside of the home, come home & help a little but that's about it, and us as wives get frustrated b/c being a parent is a 24/7, 365 day a year job, there is no vacation time, there is no punching out of a clock when coming home, you are there, constantly. Do us parents/mothers get frustrated, YUP! but at the same time, I think it's b/c it's instilled in us to be a mother (most of us anyways, some weren't meant to be a mother), and men don't see how a child's needs come first (i.e., naps b/4 fun b/c if a child goes w/ out their nap, they are cranky & it ruins the day). This would be no different than what you're already doing in caring for your own children, adding his bio-child, your step-child, might be helpful. Will it always be easy? No. You can look at this as a good opportunity or a bad one. Just remember, this is his child, his flesh & blood, so saying that caring for his additional child would be "dirty work" might be somewhat hard for him to hear, he may get defensive, I don't know, because I don't know him. It's still his child, and as I said earlier, when you married him, you married his child from his previous situation too. Come's w/ the territory.

Not sure how much I helped but I hope that it did some what.

GL & KUP
~C
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Last edited by Daisyfields; July 20th, 2009 at 02:37 PM. Reason: Had to add info.
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  #4  
July 20th, 2009, 02:14 PM
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I don't know if you are mean or not, cannot judge that. I don't know the circumstances and i cannot judge from what you say either because every coin has two sides and you only tell yours. I can tell for sure though that your DH will be the one that may feel sad for loosing his son. I don't know what you are going through i really don't. I hope you all be happy with your decisions though for whatever the reason.

PS: The only thing i 'might' comment on is what you said about telling your husband to discipline his son because he is not yours. The fact is that being at your house 24/7 for 2 years means that you have to be involved also, in discipline, love, education, activities and anything related full time. He is a child also and not being born by you doesn't make him any less of HIS child in your husband's eyes.....and to tell you the truth i wouldn't blame him........
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Last edited by Ellemphriem; July 20th, 2009 at 02:18 PM.
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  #5  
July 20th, 2009, 03:21 PM
TeresaMomTo2Boys's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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elis momma:

1. Why his mother has custody in first place?
Because his mother had an affair that was not proven with Dh's best friend, DH beat the $h!t out of best friend, got fired and went to jail for a night. So, court gave SS to his mother since Dh had no job and had a "record" basically.
2. Is there a reason he was with DH?
Yes because in the state of TX (texas), the child has to be of 12 yrs of age to decide who he/she wants to live with. SS decided to live with DH because he said his SD (step dad) alledgedly beat him up and he ran away 2 times because he did not like his step dad.
3. were there problems before?
Yes, would not listen to mom, school issues, issues with step dad and he is a juvenile delinquent in state of Hawaii for running away 2 times.

Oh i understand, DH tells me b/c I am a SAHM it is my job to do everything...that is why I am "stay at home". GRRRR

Blundoboys:

We have had SS for 2 years. 2 years that he failed school because he was lazy and wrote 0's on his own paperwork himself. 2 years of not following the rules. 2 years of him stealing from us and 2 years of him lying to us. So 2 years, he has enough time to get on the "same page" as the rest of the family. When I met Dh, SS was 8 years old. From that age on he stated "she is not my mom, never will be and I hate her." He has told my family, his family, his mom and his friends that he hates me and I am a *****. So it is hard to "love" a child like this even if he is DH's bio child. I care about him like any other parent and want what is best for him but I do NOT love him.

We have paid ALL of our child support that we owed. He came and lived with us for 2 years, and we never once asked her to pay anything becuase she had no job (i know, they can take it out of step dad's paycheck..i know the whole thing becuase my mom has been married before...to my dad who is now no longer my dad). So she told DH, because we were so sincere and kind and not taking her to court to pay CS for the last 2 years, she is dropping any and all payments for the next 4 years if he decides to stay with her.

ellemphriem:

I have done ALL the discipline in this house even to SS. DH said last night (because he didnt get onto Aidan for something) "I hate to see my kids cry and be upset" and that is why he doesn't discipline. Therefore, when I discipline SS it makes me look like a bad guy which further makes him hate me more. So that is why I said that DH needs to discipline his own child becuase I have disciplined ENOUGH.
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  #6  
July 20th, 2009, 07:02 PM
MommyLovesLauren's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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That's a very tough and complicated situation. I think it's almost impossible to always get clear advice on a board like this, because all of our situations are so different and complex and details get lost and emotions take over sometimes too. I know when I first posted on the board I got a real negative vibe coming my way(from some), and I was just thinking that wow.. these people don't really know. It's not bad, they just really don't and some are biased by some situations that they've been through. I actually questioned if I expressed myself wrong.

I think you have some real reasons to not feel guilty about hoping he might not choose to live there. Whether it's in his best interest is not for me to decide, but you're only human. Can't beat yourself up because of thinking about it.
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  #7  
July 21st, 2009, 07:21 AM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mom2aidan View Post
Blundoboys:

So 2 years, he has enough time to get on the "same page" as the rest of the family. When I met Dh, SS was 8 years old. From that age on he stated "she is not my mom, never will be and I hate her." He has told my family, his family, his mom and his friends that he hates me and I am a *****. So it is hard to "love" a child like this even if he is DH's bio child. I care about him like any other parent and want what is best for him but I do NOT love him.
He's a child, the key word is CHILD...you do NOT give up on a child. That's what your DSS wants, he's testing you over & over, and over & over again, you are meeting his expectations of being the wicked step-mom by saying that you care about him like any other parent but you don't love him, that's not possible. If you are a parent to a child, you love them, no matter what... you don't say "I care but I do NOT love him"... giving up is NOT an option...well...it is if you want your life to be hell w/ this child, but if you don't, then it's time to put the negative feelings aside & let the love come in, slowly... Being part of a blended family is not easy, I know this, trust me....but...giving up & saying you don't love him, wow... I would HIGHLY recommend counseling, both family, marriage & personal (which I do all as well). You are angry, bitter & your telling the world that you don't love a child. Listen to what you are saying, "I care about him but I don NOT love him", that's not okay on any level, if you are a parent, you do what is necessary. Any other one of the ladies on this board will tell you that this child, your DSS, is testing you, and he wants you to give up, because he expects that you will, and that's what you're doing. He feels the lack of love from you, he can sense that you are bitter & angry w/ him, and loving to others. You don't think he's hurting from that? He, as a child, doesn't have the mental capability to truly understand what he's going through. He too is going through hell. He didn't ask for you to enter into his life, he didn't want that, but...he has to deal w/ you. Sure...he doesn't want you to be his mom, and you shouldn't want to be his mother, as he already has one, what you want to be to him is a close friend, a family member, someone he can come too & talk too about things, someone he can trust. Right now he doesn't trust you & that's because of the stuff that's happened both on his end & your end in the past 2 years, which for the record, isn't that long for bitter kids to be testing you, not to say that it's right, but it's normal. He's confused as a child, he feels like you're trying to take over as his mother, he's afraid that you will do that, and he has loyalty to his mother (no matter how poorly she may behave, it's still his mother), and from the sounds of it, he's doing poorly in school as a cry for help and serious attention. Instead of getting this kid into family therapy & trying to work w/ him, you are all getting more angry & upset & he's just trying to get the heck out of your house & never return. Remember, his father is in that house, and he does love his dad, and he wants his dad, but he doesn't want to share his dad w/ anyone...including you, the new "mom" in his eyes... you have to sit this child down & explain that although you married his father, you are not his mother, never will be & will never try to replace his mother, but you are married to his dad & you want to be there for him as a friend, etc. If you think you are unhappy w/ the situation, you can only begin to imagine what is going on in his head right now, being torn from one side & the other, confused, scared & feeling unloved.

With the part of DSS' mother & the friends talking about you. Do you honestly believe that they spend all their days talking about you? And if they do, so what? who cares? they are not your friends, you don't need to be their friends. When it comes to ex's, they are certainly going to talk crap about you. If they talk negatively about you in front of the child, then shame on them! My DH's ex, talks bad about him to the child, and in front of the child, as result we've had a lots of problems, but we've managed over the years to come over it. Same w/ my ex, I know they talk about me, and I know they do it when my DS is in an earshot b/c I hear it. I blow it off & don't go there. If I go there, I am just as low as them. There have been times that I've heard things through my DS & if it's bad, I call my ex & call him out on it, I don't sit & take it & we BOTH expect to respect. What ever I say to my DS, I would say to my ex & his wife etc., I have no means of talking behind a person's back. Don't you see what his bio-mom is doing? She's talking bad about you & she knows 100% that her DS is going to run back & tell you what she said, she wants you to hear this garbage (which again, shame on her) and she wants to stir your pot, and you know what? it's working...she's getting under your skin & she loves it, so does DSS. People don't do things w/ out a payoff in return, in this case, it's your anger & reaction that they are rewarded w/ so what you need to do is turn the other way & not give a rat's behind about what they say, how they say it or who they say it too (as long as it's not slander where you could be held accountable legally, then that's a bit different, but that's an entirely different case/scenario).

Two years... nothing...you met this child and the child was already imprinted on how they would be for their life... the crucial years of getting a child to behave in an orderly way, to respect BOTH homes, is now much more difficult than it would have been if you met the child as a baby or toddler. I've been going through this, the same issues you have w/ your DSS for...hmmm...let's see...since 2003, that's right, and it's 2009...do the math, we're still having a hard time. My own DS (from a previous reltionship) is STILL trying to get the sound relationship that he wants from my DH (his step-dad). And my DS is a good kid & doesn't give up.

This child, your DSS, is testing you by doing bad things, he wants to see what you do. He wants to see your reactions. He knows you don't love him, you think he doesn't feel the difference there? He sure does, why not test you? You are eating out of his hands. I know this & I write this b/c I was once EXACTLY like you, to the "T"... you have a choice, give up, which it sounds like you're doing, or work w/ this. If you give up, your marriage, your life is going to get more sticky. Do everything in your power & be the best role model, positive person you can be in YOUR environment (which is all that you can control), and be consistent & spend 1-on-1 quality time getting to know your step-child individually, w/ out your DH present, or anyone else for that matter. You CAN do this, if you want it enough. Believe it or not, when your are nice to someone you don't love that much, and you do it over & over again, it becomes a natural way of being, then after a while you see that you actually will begin to care about the child, and eventually even love them. I had to do that exact thing.

With all of that said. I'm going to leave you w/ a couple of books that helped me when I was in your exact position & hope that you pick them up, they're in paperback, cheap & worth the read, easy reading too...

  1. Ex-Etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After a Divorce or Separation by Blackstone-Ford and Sharyl Jupe
  2. Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child by Ricci
  3. How To Win As A Stepfamily by Visher
I really hope you can get these books, read them, and use them as I did to work on my blended family. As I mentioned before, it's not easy. No one wakes up & decides "oh...let's get involved w/ a step-child & have an ex in my life etc., etc., etc." No one asks for this, no one. But it's how you react, how you handle it, what you do, your expectations, that will help you make this the life you want it to be.

I in no means try to "attack" when I give this info., I am speaking from a place of BTDT & if you knew me like the other gals on here do, you'd realize how sticky my life has been w/ my DSS & what I've endured w/ my DH's ex-wife & how hard it's been. It's STILL a work in progress.

I am here to help, listen. If you want to talk, you can PM me, I'll extend myself more & we can talk via phone as well. What ever you need, I am here to help. I hope you see that.

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  #8  
July 21st, 2009, 12:10 PM
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This is where Chantelle & I agree to disagree.. (love you Chantelle)

Yes, you married your dh knowing he had a son. But you didn't expect this. It's hard to love someone elses child especially when they won't let you.

I have a 14 year old sd that I haven't seen seens New Year's Eve. I'm so relieved that things finally came to a head. It was horrible whenever she came to visit. She was impossible. I tried everything. Dh was always supportive & really has been seeing the light lately.

It's tough on dh not seeing his dds as much (there's also a 10 year old). But it's so much easier not to have that stress every month. So I understand.


On a another note: Has your dss been to a therapist? From what you've written, I wonder if some therapy might be in order. He sounds like a very trouble kid that needs some professional help.
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  #9  
July 21st, 2009, 03:29 PM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
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I'm not one to sit here & deny that loving a child that constantly gives you negative feedback is easy, in fact, it's practically hell. I can remember dreading my DSS coming over to the point that I'd barricade myself in my bedroom, even at meals, I'd make lunch, take mine in my bedroom, close the door & watch TV. It was obvious that I was avoiding my DSS, b/c if he weren't around, I would have been at the dinner table. Believe me, I hated the thought of him coming over, that child would make me so anxious I thought I was having a panic attack. The thought of him visiting or spending "any" time w/ him, was pure hell. So now you're probably wondering, "wow...she just pretty much said how I feel about my step-child, what's her deal?" well... what it took was a lot of time, a lot of therapy "and" my DSS growing up, maturing & working on it.

I still, to this day, when finding out that DSS is going to be around "us"... I have some anxiety, I never know what to expect, but so far, he's exceeded my expectations, in a positive way.

There was a time that when ever my DSS would come over to my house, my entire family would be crying, screaming, it was awful! I'd cry & I couldn't wait for him to leave so my kids & my family could be "back to normal"... (what ever normal is)... he'd lie about things, he'd twist things & tell his bio-mom LIES about me, I'd get nasty calls (still have the v/mails) about how I needed to behave (thanks bio-mom, thanks for telling ME a grown woman how to act)... I still crindge when I find out that I have to spend time w/ my DSS....BUT...and here is the BIG BUTT...time has changed us as a family. He is "suppose" (according to court order for visitation) to sleep over our house every other weekend, that hasn't happened in over 2+ years, this is b/c when he does, he creates a bad environment for our family & simply, he doesn't want to sleep here. So I said to my DH "why force him? why make him? it's going to make him more angry, he's going to do what ever it takes to get out of being here (hence making it hell) to leave so that we wont have him over for the night"... finally, that expectation of DSS sleeping over our home, was done. He doesn't, period. My DH spends his quality time w/ his bio-son (my DSS) every Mon. & Tues. night at my MIL's house, one-on-one, no me or the kids about (there is a long distance otherwise he'd take him home to our house). The fact that I don't see my DSS much & there are no expectations of him being w/ us for long periods of time, I think has played a major role in letting the drama out of the situation. I think also, him not feeling like he had to come & sleep here stopped him from being angry w/ me, and started to be nicer to me. All of a sudden, we BOTH stopped being mean to one another, he stopped making up stories & back-talking, and I started to come out of my bedroom & give him chances.

These good times are new, this is w/ in the past year or less... so make no mistake, it's not been roses. I don't think that it will ever be perfect either...but...I do think counseling, for this child, for you as a person & for you "and" your husband as a couple, would really help. I am not saying you guys are crazy & need psychological help...but...counseling sessions can be like a nice mediator, a place that is safe to talk about what hurts & what you can do to make things better, and...if the child is truly out to be the most evil child in the world, perhaps this is where the therapist tells your DH "look...your child is determined to come between you & your wife, it's time to set boundaries"...which could very well be the truth, or...perhaps the bio-mom/ex needs a wake-up.

There are so many things that could play a role in this. I am not there, I don't know what type of a mother you are, I can sense someone who's stressed out, had it, is sick of dealing w/ it & wants it all to go away. Which is where it's hard...it's your DH's son, it's not going to just go away. You are eventually going to have to deal w/ this child/teen/adult at some point.

I remember when my DH's grandfather passed away, the day of his calling hours, my DSS said not one word to me b/c his bio-mom was there & did the same, I was invisible, literally & it made me hurt & angry. The next day, the day of the funeral, we had my DSS alone...and for the first half an hour, I was distant, didn't say anything to him....then I said to myself "Chantelle...this is stupid, he's a child, don't give up!" and I started a conversation. He was nice, he was courteous & sweet. I was floored. I realized that this child was holding back b/c his bio-mom never (still doesn't) allow her DS to love his other siblings & his other family. In fact, she's made that evident & clear. I realized this kid was being brain-washed into believing that we're not his family & he had to push us away.

I think what really hit my DSS to make him WANT to be in our lives was my 3 year old, he said his name & said "look....it's my friend!" and my DSS was hurt, and I said "you know, he'd know you as his brother if you were around, he loves you, cries for you, and you're never here". I think he realized how much he was wanted & how much he was truly missing out on his brothers/siblings.

Phew... okay, so I just said a lot... but I wanted to add my recent issues & situations so that you could see that I am not trying to paint a perfect picture or that you have to sit there & be abused verbally by ANY child, especially one that is in your family. No m'am...you are deserving of much more than abuse...but...please, please...don't give up, you never know...you too may have YOUR moment when the light bulb pops for either him or you, or the 2 of you together. I pray that you do get your moment, b/c once you do...it's worth the battle up that hill to get it.

Hope that all made sense.


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  #10  
July 21st, 2009, 04:43 PM
TeresaMomTo2Boys's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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OKay for one I NEVER NEVER NEVER stated to my SS that I do not love him. I have in fact stated OVER and OVER and OVER again each time he "tested" me that I am not his mother but I care about him as if I were and I am doing everything in his best interest whether it be agree with DH to hold him back in middle school, to take away a video game, to ground him, etc. BUT I never told him I do not love him. I could not tell a child that. That would hurt them more. Trust me I have BTDT. My mom divorced when I was 3. She had 2 other kids to raise. She married my now step dad who one night took me in a room and spanked me until my mom came home from work to only use the excuse that I did not call him dad and I would not call him dad. Mind you I was only around 6 years old at this time. My step dad NEVER once in his married life to my mom told me he loved me or my other siblings. (he went on to have a child with my mom). He never told me he loved me until I told them I was moving out at the age of 20 to move in with my now DH (9 yrs older than me). He NOW tells me EACH and EVERY time I see him that he loves me and he will hold me close and kiss my cheek.
Thanks Kris, I agree that it is hard to love a child who does not let you love them.
I have over and over again bought this child toys, video games, movies, clothes, and asked him to go to the movies, the arcade whatever with me and spend some time. He in turn turned me down and went and stayed in his room all day to later state that he was bored and had nothing to do. I would again bring up the offer to go "hang out" and he would again turn it down.
He has in fact been to a therapist who told us after SS lied about the alleged abuse by his step dad and his parents divorce, told us that SS has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. EVEN THOUGH he was not abused in any sort or way by anyone. BUT he did not tell her that he ran away twice when he lived with his mom in Hawaii because he hated his step dad.
Okay a lot of time and theraphy??? How much time? I only saw my SS every other weekend before he moved to Hawaii and the FUNNY thing was him and I were like best friends/buddies before he moved to Hawaii. When he came back (after his mom got remarried) it was like I was the evil one and he wanted to test me in every way possible. Yes at the time he moved he was only 10 and he came back at 12-14 years old and that is the teenage years but something had to have happened whether with his mother or step dad while in Hawaii. And in the 2 years before I got married to DH (that we were together/engaged) we only got him every other weekend. Then he was gone for 2 years in Hawaii and then another 2 years with us and the 2 years with us he hadnt shown any "compassion" or like to be there. He wouldnt follow the rules, he would talk back, throw fits, etc. He even wouldn't even talk to his dad when it was just the 2 of them. I was out of town for a week and DH took him fishing and to the movies and NEVER once did SS talk to DH. He may have said a few words but from DH told me, SS spent most the time in his room when I wasn't there. NOT hanging out with DH like I thought he would.
I never once said I want SS to go away. I want the stress to go away because at times it almost feels I am raising 2 toddlers. One is enough but not 2. (That is why I could not have twins or multiples or work for a daycare). I just wish I knew what was in his head and wish SS would talk to me about how to make the "relationship" between him and I better. Maybe i AM doing something wrong but I dont know what unless he talks to me. He always told DH when asked "Do you not like her?" "No I like her" he would tell DH. "Is there somethign you dont like about her?" "no I like her" he would tell DH. "Why dont you like her?" "I DO like her" he would tell DH so what is it...why does he hate me so?? Maybe it is because his mother told me that when she married her new DH SS took his step dads belongings and put them outside on the porch and told him "We dont want you here becuase my mom is going to get back together with my dad."
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  #11  
July 21st, 2009, 06:40 PM
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Teresa, your story sounds so close to mine except that sd lives with her bio mom. I bought her with my bonus an IPod when she was 12 & a $170 TV/DVD/VCR combo the next year. She is so miserable with whatever that she refused to see any good. I'm actually the nice stepmom. The one that is lenient & kind... etc. Her bio mom is very rigid & in my opinion borders on abusive. But still for some reason this girl has decided to put all her anger towards me. It's not fair to me or to my 2 children (3 & 7).

It's sad. I've tried everything I can. She refuses to see it & bio mom doesn't help. Both dh & bio mom made mistakes through the divorce process & I did through the early parts of our relationship. But I can't undue what's been done unfortunately.

It's not unreasonable to want peace in your life. Not 1 bit. These situations are hard & there is no easy answer.

(((hugs to all)))
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  #12  
July 22nd, 2009, 07:49 AM
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Originally Posted by mom2aidan View Post
Blundoboys:

He has told my family, his family, his mom and his friends that he hates me and I am a *****. So it is hard to "love" a child like this even if he is DH's bio child. I care about him like any other parent and want what is best for him but I do NOT love him.

Although you didn't tell your DSS that you don't love him, per above, you most certainly did say, in black & white, that you did "NOT love him"... your step-child. Was that a mistake? I mean, you capitalized the word "NOT" when you say "I do NOT love him." which is why I touched on that very topic & statement. Even though you have never told the child you don't love him, it's one of those things that as a person, or a child, any human or animal for that matter, you can feel the love if it's there. You can tell when a parent is distant, cold or absent. It's like that feeling you get when something's wrong, that gut feeling, we all have it, even as kids. You may not have told HIM that you don't love him, but you don't, you said it here, and if you don't love him, you don't love him, the feelings aren't there & therefore you can pretend all you want to the child's face, you can't fake a feeling to someone, unless a person is a good actress/actor, the truth comes out in how a person really feels.

As far as how much therapy, could be a day, week, month, year...maybe two...or more. It's how you use the therapy & what you get out of it & how everyone involved handles the therapy & actually uses the keys in their lives. Everyone is different. If you don't believe in therapy, it wont work. It's what you do w/ it & how you believe in it. Lots of faith & praying has also worked for me, everyone's challenges are different & how we deal w/ those challenges, how we react to them is the key to getting where you want to be in your life.

I have given you both the positives & the negatives, as well as my own personal struggles w/ my step-child & blended family, all the BTDT... I hope you can find the peace that you need to get to a point in your BF that isn't an angry one anymore. We all strive for that here.

HIH & GL

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  #13  
July 22nd, 2009, 08:16 AM
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Originally Posted by My2miracles View Post
Both dh & bio mom made mistakes through the divorce process & I did through the early parts of our relationship. But I can't undue what's been done unfortunately.

It's not unreasonable to want peace in your life. Not 1 bit. These situations are hard & there is no easy answer.


If the bio-parents made mistakes on the separation/divorce part w/ the child, it becomes even more difficult to handle. BTDT w/ my DH & his ex-wife, they never really dealt w/ the divorce, which made the future for my DH & his DS (my DSS) so much harder than it could have been.

Kris, you are 100% accurate, these life situations, very hard & there is "no" easy answers....so true, and again, well said.
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  #14  
July 22nd, 2009, 10:10 AM
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I don't love my dh's oldest daughter. How can one be expected to automatically love a child that isn't theirs? Especially when that child makes it impossible.

Personally I fell in love with my husband & married my husband. I didn't fall in love with his children as well. I did fall in love with his youngest but that was secondary. And I fell in love with her because she let me.

And trust me - a 14 year old is not completely an innocent child either. Yes they aren't full adults but they are much closer to that than an innocent 2-3 year old.

This fallacy that you will love his children because they are his is just that - fallacy. Real life isn't like the Brady bunch. I don't even like dh's dd let a lone love her. She is a nasty, manipulative, angry young woman.

This board should be a place where we can safely express our feelings - what ever they may be. Each of our circumstance is completely different. Some of our relationships with our step children will be salvagable - some will not. (mine isn't. I would love it but I have to face reality).

No one should feel less of a woman or mother if they can't love someone else child especially when that child is making their life difficult.
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  #15  
July 22nd, 2009, 11:54 AM
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Thank you Chantelle for making me feel like a piece of ****! I am sorry to say. But ****, come on now. I am NOT the only who does not love their SC (step child). Even Kris stated above she does not love or even like her oldest step child. I have a sister in law who has been with the same guy for 7 years (just about) and she has an 8 yr old son. So the guy has been (they aren't married) in the relationship since the little boy was a year old and he does not love that child. there are other people besides myself that dont love their step child.
You can push and push and push that child to do things with you and you can try to love that child until you multicolored in the face DOES NOT mean he/she will love you or that you will love them. Just like a relationship between a man/woman if one doesnt love the other then it is hard for the other to love the one not loving them. (if that made any sense).
I have found from experience with my step dad that the more he pushed the more I got angry. I wanted my space as a step child to learn to accept the fact him and my mother were together and that he was now my dad (since mine was not in the picture). The more space he gave me and respected my space and trusted me, the more I became to love him...same with my step son.

So therefore, dont give me this BTDT crap and tell me I am WRONG not to love my step son when it is NOT a one person game..takes 2 to love a person and give love in return.
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  #16  
July 22nd, 2009, 11:55 AM
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I too fell in love w/ my DH and not his DS... it was hard b/c he came w/ a child, who I didn't have a bond w/ so in the beginning it was fake... I cared, because he was my DH's son, but as time moved on, I had no emotions other than anger towards him, because of his manipulative behavior. I'd try to turn the other cheek but after he'd lie about things, try to get me into trouble, or my personal favorite, accused my DS of trying to choke him (LIE...)...then this was a good one... he pushed one of his brothers (my bio-sons) down a flight of stairs, stairs made of bricks... yeah...that was a good day...oh, almost forgot...pushing my DS into POOP...OMG... I was furious beyond words to be able to describe it, but I wanted to just scream "GET HIM OUT OF MY HOUSE!" which I eventually did at one point due to a very manipulative, lying moment. I can remember...he'd come to the house, and our visit was not only poor but it was the norm for his visit. He'd get dropped off & w/ in an hour (most of the time less), my DH would get a phone call on his cell (I'd be right next to him in the car) & I could hear the screaming at him for this & that...most of the this & that were lies, and some were true but it was the yelling at him saying that I had no right to do this, and that & she didn't want me to be alone w/ her son for even a split second, the list went on. It was horrible. I'd wait for the calls & like clock-work, that phone would ring & be on the phone cussing him out. Heck, I'd even get the nasty v/mails (still have them to this day) from her about how I should back off... yada, yada...

I look at that, how the heck does one love a child who lies about you, makes up stories & then causes so much drama in your life? The answer, it's hard & most of the time, impossible. How can you love a kid/teen that is out to sabatoge your relationship & make your life pure hell? You can't. You'd have to be a Saint, I am not one that's for darn sure.

I touch on this, because I had said this earlier that although my situation w/ my DSS is getting better, and I am begining to enjoy him, we still have ways to go "and" we used to be so bad that when his name would come up, my face, the expression, regardless of how hard I'd try to pretend that I wasn't feeling that way, would appear. My DH would say "every time his name comes up you get pissed off"... yup, sure did, he was 100% on the dot. One day I said "you know what? he doesn't want to be a part of our family, his mother hasn't given him permission to love us & his siblings, he comes over, everyone is fighting & once he leaves, we're left w/ nasty calls about our parenting & everything else that he's decided to lie about"... (not those exact words but you get the picture. Finally I told my DH "you're right, I do not love him, how can you love someone who pushes you this far off? he's like a porcupin, you can't hug someone like that, you just can't". My DH was hurt.... he was defensive (as any other bio-parent would be). And it's taken a dramatic toll on our marriage.

I don't judge anyone for saying that they aren't close to their step-child, or even hate being around them or do not love them. I just want people to own their true feelings & not flip flop & say in one sentence that they care about them like a parent should/would & then the next say that they don't love them. That was my only "beef" if you even call it that...but my only issue of saying "wait a minute..." I call it like it is, so do you Kris, which is why I value your opinions & also why we had a hard time getting to know one another in the beginning, but b/c we have had similar issues & we both have strong personalities, as well as big hearts, it can be misleading, especially on the internet, what we say in writing may come off entirely different than what we'd mean or say in person, face to face.

Our marriages/relationships are hard enough to work on, raising our bio-kids are hard too...then you add someone else's child who has a different set of values, was raised to be one way & has a different idea of what is right & wrong, meanwhile...we have to some how accomodate them? It's so unfair to the parents (mother or fathers) that have to take on these roles of being a step-parent. We're expected to be sweet & if we dare put our foot down, it's like World War II.

Kris, I feel for you in your situation (as well as Adain's mom) w/ your DH's daughter, boy...that was a hard reality, but your DH finally saw what it was doing to your family & your kids didn't need to be exposed to that on top of it all. Do I love my DSS? Yes...but do I love him the same as I do my bio-kids? No. It's just not the same. I wish I could say that it was, but it's not, and I am not entirely sure if it ever will be. I like him a lot, I care, and I love him b/c he's my DH's son, but I don't love him as my child, I love him more like a good friend.
I don't want anything bad to happen to him, I would be sad if something did, but I don't particularly want to see him all the time or have him living w/ us.

Maybe one day, everyone can have the easy answers to fixing these problems... but... that's why we're called a "blended family"....we're blending 2 families (sometimes 3 or 4, like in my case), and everyone has their own opinion what is right & wrong, everyone has different expectations. You can't win sometimes, and it's not about winning, it's about making it through life, hopefully joyful & decent w/ out too many kinks in the road.

I too wish that this were a Brady Bunch... but we all know it's crap & a bunch of bull... no family is that perfect & if anyone ever tries to tell you that theirs is, they are feeding you guys w/ a load of crap as well... it's a lie, no such thing... Even in regular families (no ex's or step-kids), there are many issues.



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  #17  
July 22nd, 2009, 12:10 PM
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I care about SS...okay so CARE: to have a liking, fondness, to be concerned about

I do not love SS...okay so LOVE: to hold dear, to feel devotion, to feel affection

I care about him like a mother. I care about his education so I help him out with homework/projects (even sometimes when he decides to write a 0 on the paper himself). I care about his grades so I will call up the teacher for a meeting to understand why SS is failing some classes and see what we can do to make it better. I care about his health, so I will take him to the doctor when he is ill and I will give him medicines and let him rest in bed. I care about his food intake so we monitor what he eats (since he used to be over weight as a little boy...he would fit into Dh's pants at the age of 9 and my DH is not a string bean...skinny). I care about him in a sense that I dont let him run out in the middle of the street while a car is coming down it. I make sure he doesn't watch too much violence on tv as well as nudity and sex scenes. I let him use my phone to call his mother after asking "hey do you want to call your mom" since DH never offers. I let him go to my moms and stay the night with my nephew since they are like best buddies even though there is a 7 year age gap. I get him xmas gifts, birthday gifts, throw him parties etc. So I care about him but no I do not love him. Does that make everything easier to understand???
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  #18  
July 22nd, 2009, 12:34 PM
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Originally Posted by mom2aidan View Post
Thank you Chantelle for making me feel like a piece of ****!

So therefore, dont give me this BTDT crap and tell me I am WRONG not to love my step son when it is NOT a one person game..takes 2 to love a person and give love in return.

You are observably very disappointed today, possibly the circumstances as a whole has made this issue hard for you to talk about and handle the recommendation(s) that people, like myself, are trying to give that have BTDT, which is why you don't identify with, I am sorry for that. Which ever the reason(s) for you feeling annoyed or offended, I apologize; I never want anyone to feel like they are uninvited on Blended Families. If you feel poorly, that was not my purpose, so please accept my regret for the miscommunication that we seem to be having at the moment.


I will, however, not make an apology for anything that I said, I stand by what I say 110%, if you prefer to be angry with my advice, then that is your preference and I cannot change your views. I in no way said it was unheard of to not love your step-child, and if you re-read my answers to your thread in greater detail, you will hopefully notice that it's not the case at all.

The gals here will tell you, I don't sugar coat, and it's not because I am a terrible person, I am truly one with a big heart & wear it on my sleeve. I don't like to give answers that people wish for, instead I offer guidance on what will actually help, which is why you came to our board right? To get aid in your situation? I am apologetic that my recommendation(s) didn't help you in the way you anticipated. If you set your expectations to hear what you wanted to hear, and not some truth, then I don't have anymore information to give you except I wish you, your family and your situation, nothing but the best & hope that one day, things can turn around for the good.

If you want to talk I am here & you can PM, my door is always open.



~Chantelle


Quote:
Originally Posted by mom2aidan View Post
I care about SS...okay so CARE: to have a liking, fondness, to be concerned about

I do not love SS...okay so LOVE: to hold dear, to feel devotion, to feel affection

I care about him like a mother. I care about his education so I help him out with homework/projects (even sometimes when he decides to write a 0 on the paper himself). I care about his grades so I will call up the teacher for a meeting to understand why SS is failing some classes and see what we can do to make it better. I care about his health, so I will take him to the doctor when he is ill and I will give him medicines and let him rest in bed. I care about his food intake so we monitor what he eats (since he used to be over weight as a little boy...he would fit into Dh's pants at the age of 9 and my DH is not a string bean...skinny). I care about him in a sense that I dont let him run out in the middle of the street while a car is coming down it. I make sure he doesn't watch too much violence on tv as well as nudity and sex scenes. I let him use my phone to call his mother after asking "hey do you want to call your mom" since DH never offers. I let him go to my moms and stay the night with my nephew since they are like best buddies even though there is a 7 year age gap. I get him xmas gifts, birthday gifts, throw him parties etc. So I care about him but no I do not love him. Does that make everything easier to understand???

Again, I express regret... I in no way said you were a bad parent or person. If I did, I would be a charlatan because I've been in your situation as well & I'd have to entitle myself as terrible person and a awful parent too, and I am not.
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  #19  
July 23rd, 2009, 11:33 PM
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On Blended Families you will come to see that we are all about personal opinions. We do NOT sugar coat things, we call them like we see them and we NEVER intend to personally hurt someones feelings. Being part of a Blended Family is not easy. There are so many of us that truly have been where you are right now, there are some that are there and I am sure that there are some that will be there shortly. We are all here to support one another. We may disagree and that is OK. You do not always have to agree. I think a little healthy debate is good every now and then. With that being said..I really have nothing constructive to say. There have been others who have said what I would have and I am sure that you are not looking to have things repeated to you over and over again. Regardless if it the answer that you are looking for or not.

BTW: I am Becca, the other host here. I have 3 children. Sadie is 10, Lilly will be 8 in a day and Gabriel is 4. I have been married for 8 years to my BFF, Kal. I am currently on vacation and have limited access to the internet. I will be back to my home in about 3 weeks.
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  #20  
July 24th, 2009, 01:22 AM
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I got flamed on another parenting board for saying I didn't love my sd.
Something about stating that you don't love a child really hits a nerve with women. I don't get it but it does.

It bothered me at 1st but I'm over it now. Don't be hard on yourself or feel bad. You aren't alone. I suspect there are more of us than not. It's just taboo to admit it.
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