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Ok Im having an issue .. I am a member of August DDC, I havent posted on this forum. My husband has two kids.. ages 5 & 6. I am getting to feel resentful towards them because 1. the way they act is just not ok wth me.. its like they have no home training at all.. and 2. he is constantly putting his ex and them in front of me.. and sometimes that is necessary but I get tired of being put on the back burner.. for example.. our daughter was in NICU for a week and a half... I stayed there with her the whole time.. I was also suffering from post partum depresssion. Well one day he promised me the next day he would come and spend a lot of time with us, and he would try adn stay the night (there isnt much room in there for two people to sleep).. well the next day he ended up getting an extra job (which is good because we need te money) and then i figured he would come to the hospital after he was cleaned up.. no he went to go get his kids becuase their mom deecided to get a second job without talking to him first and now expects him to get them extra days (it is supposed to be week on week off in summer).. now I was super hurt because I was so emotionally/ spiritually/ physically broken and I needed my husband.. it seems like I live my life like this.. like I can't plan anything or do anything myself because Im just constantly waiting to see what him and the mom are going to plan last minute. It is driving me nuts and the resentment is ocming out on the kids.. and Im not sure how to handle it.
Last edited by lilmiss_33; July 22nd, 2009 at 04:49 PM.
Oh i am so sorry This sounds bad from what you describe, but try not taking it out on the kids. It's not their fault. Actually it is not the ex's fault either. It is only your DH to blame and no one else and it is him you have to talk with. Although i know how hard it is so early on after a birth and with PPD issues at hand (i went through that myself). Do you have any other help or is it only him? If that's the case then things might get even harder as time goes by. Pls sit him down and talk to him honestly. Don't keep those feelings inside you. They will only come to a boil and then all hell will break loose. When i was with PPD i tried to find the slightest reason to get back at the world, not just my husband. Thank God my step-daughter was left out of this. Mainly because of me, but also because her dad had the reason to keep her out of the house the days that i was furious with everything. It all passed and now we are happy all of us together and the two little half sisters like each other very very much. Oh, i so wish you to get over this, because i know how it feels. Talk to him ASAP......don't let it get on like that. Make him see that he MUST cover obligations on all sides not only the one. Or else simply things will not go very well.
" \m/ Now I’m riding through the air
going to where no one dares
on the way I’ll cross the line forevermore \m/ "
i have been and still am battling with the same exact thing... I'm so sorry first that your LO is in NICU!!! I almost had to deal with that with my LO ,,, But luckly she did well enough & we both came home together....
You put it better in words than i could have..& believe me & can no longer call her anything but his kid ....
I really did try at first & everything was great but then after we got married the bio mom started her crap & it's been a down hill spirl from there...
The only thing we really can do is write it down with people that are going threw the same thing you are... Get it out & off your chest or it will eat you up & take it out on the kids...
I understand what ellemphriem said.. & i some what agree with her....BUT sometimes you can't talk to the hubby b/c what he is doing is RIGHT in his eyes...He ( just like my hubby ) looks at it as great i'm seeing them more b/c ..THIS REASON OR THAT REASON & that is hard to except.. b/c it was good before & we had a routen you know....
like i said i am going threw the same thing you are & i hope everything smooths out for you a bit....
( P>S> ) Our daughter is now 5 weeks old She just like me & my oldest daughter will ALWAYS get put behind the first daughter... I have excepted that & fully take care of the youngest.... IT"S HIS LOSS
Leah, I'm Chantelle, one of the co-hosts here on BF's. I am both a bio & step-mother, I have an almost 9 year old DS from a previous relationship, my DH has an almost 12 year old DS from his previous marriage, together, and DH & I had 2 more boys, a 3 year old & 19 mos. old. I've dealt with both cooperative and complicated exes, CS issues, going to court, paying "and" receiving CS. There's not much I haven't experienced. This is a great group of gals here on BF, we're all here because of our situation, which isn’t just what we envisioned when we reflected our fairytale outlook in life, but it is what it is. We're all pretty straight-forward & will give you recommendations as it's asked for, no fluff or sugar-coating I guess is what I mean.
When I read your story, it sounded like you were me, back in 2006, when I was about to give birth to my DS, who is now 3. I can retain information how my DH would hurry to his DS (my DSS) every want. He'd do what ever he had to do as soon as his ex-wife/bio-mom would ask. My doctor's appointments where always without help yet he'd find time to escort his ex-wife to his DS' apts. I felt, and sometimes still do experience as if I am being placed on the backburner, that EVERYTHING, his work, his ex-wife, CS, first DS, all comes before me. I'd cry, shout, and the misery was horrible. I also had PPD after my 3rd DS (that's another story but remained yet another challenge for my DH to be with me for every day, including Mon. & Tues. because I had to have someone with me at all times for a while, my DH wasn’t happy with that need but he had to deal).
I have down pat this memory of being at a restaurant one day & telling my DH (as I was pregnant & tears were welting in my eyes)..."I can't do this anymore, something has to change, you have to be there more for me, or this isn't going to work, the way it’s going now, I can’t imagine you having any time for your newborn son that’s coming". He looked sad, alarmed & I said to him "I love you, take my vows sincerely, and want you in my life forever...BUT...I do not have to have you in my life, so if I have to come second to everything from your past marriage & your first child, then I can't do this, we all have to matter". Evidently, there would (and still are) times where one child demands more consideration or that a situation is more great & I have to give a little. But I had given him that dispute. We eventually went to marriage counseling, something he claimed he didn't trust in but I replied with "then I guess you don't trust in our marriage because its either therapy or we're condemned to be another statistic of severance and or divorce".
We finally, after time, came to the union that my DH would spend time with his DS (my DSS) every Mon. & Tues. night, from 4-7pm at my MIL's house (there is a big space from our home to where my DSS lives, otherwise he'd bring his DS to our home). I now know, it's planned, that every Mon. & Tues., my DH is not home until later in the evening, he's home for the rest of the week despite the fact that he may have a long day at work, I know he’s not going to be bouncing back & forth as he used too.
On occasion he'll ask to switch a day, because something comes up in that we had to switch, no biggie, but we had a plan. At first this arrangement was hard because sometimes his ex-wife would say "we need to switch to Tuesdays & Wednesdays from now on for the next 5 months" and my DH, instead of checking with me to make sure that this would work for the rest of his family & would accommodate EVERYONE'S needs equally, he would tell her “yes” & then be shocked when I would say "sorry, this is not going to work for our family, I can accommodate a few of the weeks but not all these months". After quite a few of these "oops" on his part, he now calls me first & asks me if we can do this day instead of another, and usually I can work with it with out any issues. It took a while for my DH to see that he had another family, other children to be concerned with, it took a lot of solid work with a therapist in order for him to see that I wasn't jealous of his DS (my DSS) but that it was his disrespect for us (me, and our kids at home) while he would do it all for his first child. It took a while, like...3+ years.
We're still working on this, it's not just right, but I will say that we’re doing better. He has to work a lot (we also need the $) and we “had” a day, it was Sunday, suppose to be family day, no matter what, no working, no other plans, just family. That's slowly been thrown to the side the past 5+ months & I am not satisfied about that, I am starting to get back on him about the needs of family first again. I think a little reminder that with out our weekly family time it's going to create bitterness.
With that all said, I've practiced a lot of your issues, and not because I wanted too, it was my cards that I was dealt with. My 3 year old is special needs, the apt, the surgeries, the OT/PT/ASL & Speech therapy, continuing, thankfully for hard work, my DS is doing better. I've had my kids in NICU several times after procedures/surgeries & watched my DS take "work-related phone calls" while I am walking back & forth in fear of my kid's lives. I feel like taking his work phone & running it over with my mini-van.
There are no ideal answers to what you are experiencing, and there are no wonderful solutions or ways to approach these problems...BUT...know that you are NOT alone, we have BTDT, we identify with the hurt, feeling like a second class citizen (if I had a penny for every time I said that, I'd have a nice savings account), and wondering how to make the man in your life understand that stability NEEDS to be created & the more this continues, the more angry you will be which is not what he is going to want for an end outcome.
With any luck... my reply made you feel like you are not on your own. I am here for you 110%, we all are. If you want to PM me or talk, my door is always open. Sometimes it's easier to chat with someone one-on-one instead of threads/postings. Which ever you feel more comfy with.
Hang in there, and please don't be uncertain to come to us with what ever you are feeling or going through. I'm glad to see you coming to this board; I think it will help you a lot when it comes to your current & on-going blended situation.
Simply put, let him know that unless he wants his second marriage to be as unsuccessful as his first one, he needs to tend to it. Unless he wants to pay out child support on another child, he needs to put that child higher on his list of priorities. As Chantelle said, you're not alone. I think the DH's/BIODADS feel completely torn in this and are too often so guilt ridden that they feel the need to "make up for the divorce" time and time again. Some kids play on that, others just enjoy it, very few if any rebel against it. Most BIOMOMS/exs also eat it up. Too many of them start the crap right after the new marriage begins...ours did. It's a very difficult balancing act we all do, trying to keep the ex happy, the Skids happy, the hubby happy and the biokids happy. EVERYONE at some point feels taken for granted or take advantage of. The trick is to not allow that to be the ONLY feeling you have or the feeling you have the majority of the time. Talk to him. Tell him you understand that he's caught in the middle and that sometimes he does have to put his other kids first but that you NEED him to consider you and your baby also or you simply will not make it as a couple. He loves you. He will try.
I just want to say I've been there too. Until I lost it one day. I realized the resentment was building & building. Dh's dds live 4 hours from us so planning was necessary for them to come visit. Dh would check his schedule, his ex's schedule and his dd's schedule but wouldn't consult me on my schedule or my kid's schedule. I felt like I could never plan anything because I never knew when they were coming. And when I did find out, it was usually Thursday night & they were coming the next day. Dh would have to drive 1/2 way to get them after work. It would be 5 hours round trip with the stop. They wouldn't get to my house until 10-11pm. I had a 2 year old and a 6 year old at the time. They wouldn't got to sleep until the sds got there & then were up for hours. Of course they were awful the next day for lack of sleep.
Anyway, I finally put my foot down when I realized how I was feeling. Dh listened and understood. Unfortunately for us, there was too much bad and it was too late (long story). But now Dh has 2 separate families. Ours & his girls - for right now we are never all together.
Please talk to you Dh. Tell him how you feel. Tell him this is serious & needs to be addressed. If things don't change, there are only 2 outcomes - you will divorce or the strain of his children will make it miserable for you all to be together.