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  #1  
March 26th, 2006, 08:32 PM
Regular
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 4
Hi everyone.
Im brand new to this site. I was searching the web for a forum to post about this in and this one seemed to be perfect.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. He has 3 children from a previous relationship (they were never married). The oldest is a boy, age 10(this one is not biologically his son). The middle is his daughter, age 9. The youngest is a son, age 7.... And I have no children.....Okay, here it goes, sorry if its so long, I tend to ramble and try to get in every little detail!

When I got together with him, he had not seen his kids in about 2 years. He and his ex lost custody of the kids about 3 years previous to me meeting him to his ex's parents. They hate my boyfriend, and even their own daughter, too. They didnt loose custody because they were abusive or anything, but thats a whole other story in itself. He did have visitation rights, but they grandparents never let him see his kids. So, we saved money and September of last year, we took them to court and he got his visitation rights restored. At first it was only for 6 hrs every other saturday. Back then the visits were great, we all got along great. Then at the first of the year he got visitation every other weekend from Fri nite to Sunday nite. The boys listen to me just fine, but his daughter is another story. I have caught her lying to me (nothing major, but thats not the point). I tell her to do something, she goes and asks daddy, and he tells her she doesnt have to do it. He tells me to leave her alone, right in front of her and she just gets this little smirk on her face. Mind you, this is MY house, that I bought. He gives them no rules, doesnt make them clean up after themselves. These are NOT babies or toddlers! They are old enough to learn responsibility! Anyway, he treats her so diffrent from the boys. She never gets in trouble. She can do no wrong in his eyes. Hes always hugging her and talking to her and taking her places with him. He does not do this with the boys. It makes me soooooo angry at him. He has 3 kids, not just her. Yes I know shes the only girl, but those boys need his love and attention too. He has to share himself equally between them. He chose to have 3 kids, so he needs to be attentive to all 3. Its so hard to explain in words.

Example: Today, he was going to the auto parts store, and little miss said can I go daddy? Of course, he tells her yes.... He didnt even ask the boys, just told them to stay here and be good. Later on, the little one said to me, "daddy didnt even ask me to go with him". I confront him on it and he tells me that the way he treats his kids should be the least of my concern, its none of my business. This after I went with him to court and testified and went thru background checks and fingerprinting etc.... Its none of my business!!!!!!!!???????????????? I can cook for them and clean up after them, and buy their clothes, but when it comes to this its none of my business?????!!!!! His oldest son says his daddy is boring. The little one today told my boyfriend "I cant stand the sound of your voice". But little missy is always at daddys side and hes always telling her he loves her. He is making me not like this girl. I cant even stand to look at her. I spend most of the weekend with the boys. I barely say a word to the girl. He tells me I have no respect for his daughter and he is going to leave me over her. So he had decided that I am jelous of her... I have admitted that it IS hard for me to see him with her, because I never had my dad when I was little. But I have never used that as an excuse for anything. I accepted it and dealt with it. I want a child of my own, which I told him at the very begining. Now hes not sure if he wants another one. Honestly, if we did have a child together, that daughter of his would be so insanely jelous of this one, especially if it was a girl. I need help. I love him so much, but this is killing us. Its as if there isnt even an "us" anymore. I dread every other weekend when they come. Things just arent turning out as I wanted them to.

Any advise? Any? Thank you sooooo much!
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  #2  
March 27th, 2006, 01:29 PM
Mom2DyJessAva's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: chicopee ma
Posts: 15,513
((HUGS)) sorry your going through this.. i think you should sit him down and talk to him about the way he is acting toward his daughter and let him no that he is hurting his sons.. i understand that she is the only girl but he should be giving all 3 the attention that they need..i personally think it is your business considering its your house and u helped him get to see his kids again.. a long talk with none of the kids there would be good..also let him no that if he disagrees on something u tell the kids to do that he should talk to u in person(without them around)..why from my boyfriends experience(he has a 7 year old from someone else) when his daughter didnt wanna do something and went to her mom the mom would go and tell my boyfriend off right infront of her..its not good because they catch on fast and learn that there able to get daddy or in your case you in some sort of trouble(theyll use it as much as they could!)..soon shes going to realise she could get away with anything and will do anything to see you two fight..let him no that your NOT jealous of his daughter but that you feel bad for his sons considering they need a father figure also..about wanting a child with him..if he wanted another baby before and now he doesnt no because he has his kids back thats just plan messed up!...me and my boyfriend never really talked about having kids (i always wanted to have a child well actually more then one) he made me seem like he didnt wanna have any more kids because he already had his daughter so three years later i end up pregnant and i love this little boy inside me but i have been through hell because hes worried about hurting his daughter (he wasnt even thinking about our unborn son!) and it took him a good 6 months to finally accept the fact that we're having a kid...i no for a fact that his daughter is going to be jealous because she never had to share her daddy before..also another sign is when i brought my little cousin( 2 at the time) to the water park and he met up with me with his daughter everytime my cousin would go near him she would jump on his lap and stuff...maybe u could look for signs of jealousy from her..just get all the facts about what he wants and include what u want and see if you two can come together on something..i actually dont have many people to talk about situations with andwe are kinda in the same boat so if u would like my sn is galanisb@aol.com or u could pm me anytime u need advice..sorry if i didnt give the best advice but i hope it helps a little!
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  #3  
March 29th, 2006, 08:47 PM
Regular
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 4
Thank you for posting back. I havent really had much time to be online. Its kind of late, but I think I will take you up on your offer and email you within the next day or two. Really, I appreciate it more than you know!! Thanks again!
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  #4  
March 30th, 2006, 10:55 AM
Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 573
Okay...your boyfriend is DEFINATELY wrong for trying to exclude you as far as the kids, especially after all you do and have done for them. That is just a slap in the face to be honest, you can spend your $$ and your time on his kids but have no say so when you address how he treats his boys??

Now I will say that I sense major attitude in how you talk about th elittle girl..calling her "little miss" and it is not coing off in an endeering way...becareful how you channel your dissappointment in how he treats the boys into resentment or harshly judging her....she should not be the focal point or recepient of your displeasure because it is your boyfriend not her who is not giving you the respect you deserve (as far as say so, etc)

You have to really understand children of blended famalies...especially the psyche of little girls in a blended family. You do not seem jealous of her, but I think you are misdirecting some of your frustration.

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/blended_fa...tepfamilies.htm

That is a useful site, it says "marriage" alot but you and your man live together so for the sake of raisng kids it is close enough.

I am sure the boys tell fibs and are not angels, yet they are not villianized like DD is. And I think it is more your boyfriend than anything. he may have a severe case of the Daddy in "daddy's girl". He NEEDS to understand that his boys need his attention and love as well..some men think they need to be "harder" on the boys for whatever reason, find out if he thinks this and then show him how that can be detrimental to their father/son relationship. They already think he is "boring" and they should be thinking how fun and great it is to have so much more time with dad now...but only the girl seems to have reason to feel that way and that is not fair to the boys.

Take alook at the site, read the different affirmations and see if it helsp any. Also try to not refer to her in a negative light...calling her "little missy" was not endeering and made her seem like the problem and she is not. He is the adult and he needs to correct her and include you in the child rearing if you all are going to be a family. Good luck!
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  #5  
March 30th, 2006, 11:10 AM
Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 573
Also you can't fault kids for being kids...of course they will be jealous. Even kids in all "natural" bio families experience jealousy when a new baby is coming or comes. It is just about growing and maturing and that comes with time. You can't expect a 5,6,7,8,9 year old girl to behave as an adult woman should. it is natural for them to feel like they may be "losing" their dad or mom depending on the situation. Also a loyalty issue comes into play. Kids can be very loyal to parents and may see a new baby or a new spouse/SO as a threat and they will then naturally get territorial. You can't correct that behavior buy fussing or punishing or judging or scolding or to simply tell them to "get over it". You correct that behavior through communication and love and time.

It will be important to create time and space just for DD when the new baby comes becasue she will need it. She should have daddy time and 'step mom/SO' time and then do family things.

DD and DF and I had a rough go of it at first so I have been there and back and it helped when she was able to have maybe 2 hours a week just with DF where they would go to the park, or read or play games or anything just teh two of them. Then she and I would do things alone so she knew she was not "losing me", then the family time we spent together was also a great thing. So try that, it worked for us.

Also it may be tempting to brush her off or simply tell her "we need time with the baby" but that is when you have to work hard as a co parent to make sure she does not feel alienated or not wanted, she will already be jealous, but if her feelings are not handled correctly she will act out and then it will be tempting to blame her and call her a "problem child" when really the problem is with parents who did not do what they could to make her feel like her place in the family was "secure".

I don't want to come off as harsh, but as parents or the adults, we have to set the tone and be hands on and active and not just scold the children but really listen and learn about their feelings and why they may feela certain way. It is easy to just tell them not to be jealous and that you love them to but the proof is in the pudding and you have to demonstrate that as well. DF and I have already worked out how we will incorporate DD's special time into having a newborn around. It was she and I for 5 years and only in the past 2-3 has DF been involved, so at first it was hell to pay for DF because in her mind I was HERS and he was in the way...you have to show the kids that there is room for EVERYONE, and the primary prson who has to work at proving that to the child is the natural parent, in you guys place your boyfriends have to be hands on and not make matters worse.

Good luck to both of you. As a member of a blended family who was ROUGH at first, pleas eknow it canand will get better with a little work.
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  #6  
March 31st, 2006, 07:15 PM
Regular
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 4
Thank you everyone. We have a lot to work out, I know. Its just hard. This is a rough situation to be in. I know that I probably sound resentful when I speak of his daughter. But, I also know that kids are not all innocent as we would all like to think they are. I do know that she is a child, and I am an adult, but sometimes a fact is a fact. The boys surely arent angels, but they do treat me with respect and for the most part follow my rules. She does not. As far as slamming doors and taking food and drinks into her room when she knows shes not supposed to. She thinks that she deserves her dads attention more than the boys do. Once, she was laying in bed with her daddy watching cartoons, and the oldest son came in and laid down with him too, she got up and stomped out and into her room, slamming the door. Then we had her birthday party on a Saturday and she was all smiles and giggles. Well, her we celebrated her brothers birthday 2 weeks later when they came for the next visit and she sat in a chair and pouted the whole time, not even breaking a smile. She couldnt stand that all of the attention wasnt on her.

I know she is the only girl, but these kids need to be treated eually and all of them need to feel loved. She is no more sspecial than the others. They are all special. He has 3 kids, not one. If she was the only child, he could show her all the attention in the world. He going to have a hard time for letting her get her way all the time when she gets older. Its going to be "I hate you" when she doesnt get her way. She's already screamed at him before to "shut up and leave me alone". And he didnt say a word to her. The boys would have gotten into big trrouble for that. Its soooo hard to watch this. They have all been away from daddy for the same amount of time. And if anyone needs more attention from him than the others, it would be the youngest. This is really like him meeting dad for the first time, since he was so little when everything happend. Hes just getting to meet dad and dad is spending the majority of his time with is daughter. The older 2 remember their dad from before and have memories of him. The little one doesnt. I have found pictures in her notebook that she drew of her brother on the boat with an arrow pointin overboard and next to it it says "Justin is stupid" and "I hate Justin". Everywhere in that same notebook its "I love daddy". I mean everywhere.

I grew up without my dad, who walked out on me and my mom when I was 2, and then he passed away when I was 7. So I do know what its like to miss your daddy. Thats why I tried to help him as much as I could to get his visitation rights restored. I know how important it is. I also never used not having my dad in my life as an excuse for any of my problems.

I know its not her fault, it is his for not treating them fairly (in my opinion anyway). But I try to mention it to him, and he gets sooooooooo defensive about it. He doesnt want to hear it. Its none of my business how he treats HIS kids. Geez, Ive done more for these kids than their own mother (who doesnt see them at all, she went out and a 4th child with some other guy). Im loosing it, its like I have absolutely NO control in my house when they are here. I feel like an outsider, like I should just leave, so I wont be in their way. I dont want to loose him, but I dont know what else I can do. We dont ever tall, sex life is NON existent. Im talking months. Im only 26 and hes 29!!!!!!!!!!! Thats not normal either. What can I do?????
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  #7  
April 10th, 2006, 01:48 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 9,091
The problem is not the kids but your boyfriend. The 2 of you need to sit down & form a game plan & stick together on it. If they are staying at your house - you should be able to have input on the house rules.

I know how difficult it is when you both have different ideas on how children are raised.

Favoritism really sucks. I have a similiar situation with my DH & his 2 daughters. The 11 year old is a good kick but she plays him. The brooding pre-teen. Plus she's not his bio kid (mom had an affair well several during the marriage) so she plays on that too.

My DD & his 7 year old get along really well. So basically, I get left with the 2 younger ones while he caters to the older one. Mostly that's fine but the little one gets none of his time. She's not the type to complain. But I finally got fed up with it the last weekend they were here. The older one wanted to go to a movie & the 2 younger girls wanted to go to the park. Well, I had bronchitis & was 6 months pregnant so I couldn't go to the park. Then I suggested that they all go to a movie. His older DD was not happy. But it wasn't fair. The youngest needs his attention too. Fortunately, he listened to me & realized that I was right. This past weekend we did more as a total family. Funny older DD wasn't brooding at all & interacted with everyone.
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My 2 miracles: Lucinda & Noah
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